X/1999 Life
Goes On
She wouldn't admit it to anyone, but she was afraid. She feared her dreams, that was the truth behind it. She was afraid if she saw him, just once within her mind, she would have lost all the work she had tried to put into healing. He made her promise him that she would live for the both of them, to keep their love alive. She was a good girl and did as what was requested, so at night, when the only thing alive were the nocturnal lights, she would let out all the pain that was still inside and go to sleep. Knowing sleep was her only refuge.
Within your dreams, you see what you think and feel. Your subconscious forms your dreams with information that has been given to it by your regular conscious and heart throughout the course of the last twenty-four hours. Anything that crosses your mind can be gathered and placed as a story-line, as if life is its inspiration. Whatever you hold within your heart that can relate gives all the characters within your dream the life they need to make it whole. And then, it begins. No one can figure out, however, how dreams continue the story they possess, but that's just how it is. It's as if they're alive inside you.
The Ise Shrine priestess wasn't, no isn't dumb, so she knows that. She understands as much as humanly possible. For you see, as a child, she lived the same way then as she does now. She would cry herself to sleep whenever she felt completely alone. It was both a blessing and a curse. She enjoyed the escape so she could set some of her tortured soul free. But she wished she didn't have to. It was sort of a wheel of events that just went round and round each day. A spiked, painful wheel that couldn't change its path.
That is, until her 'care-taker' gave her hope. The day the woman who she now recognized as a motherly figure told her about a piece of her destiny, the spikes dulled and the wheel slowed enough for a peaceful sleep. She told the seven year-old girl that throughout her life, people will look at her with their own eyes. They may like or hate even just the sight of her. They may not even know why themselves. But life will hold meaning with the ones who do care. Especially the one who will grow to love her; her soul-mate. That day changed her life and gave her the strength to pick of that pair of chopsticks and eat. It was truly a heart warming sight.
Not to say that she doesn't eat now. It's just that she never lets anyone in, especially after dark. Many times after the legend had Yuzuriha offered to spend the night with her or let her stay over at her place, but each offer was rejected respectfully and sealed with, "Maybe some other time." Though in both the young girls' hearts, they knew that was a promise Arashi figured she never could keep. Oh, how she wanted to, to see Yuzuriha change those eyes of hurt into joy. But…no matter how hard she tried, Arashi couldn't stop the tears. She lived the life she had as she had promised, but it wasn't much really.
The way she trudged down the street to the train station every weekend would make anyone look at her with pity. Walking by her, just as a passing, made people stop to look at her, to see if she was really as sad as they felt from her aura. Once confirmed of their thoughts by the sight of her paces, they would always give her silent wishes for happiness. However, they meant nothing to her for she knew they couldn't change anything. So, she would just walk on. No matter how much it would grind her nerves, she could barely feel it in comparison to the anxiety of seeing her Sorata's grave.
She would go every weekend. During the week, she never had time because she had to make a living herself and she promised her remaining friends she wouldn't become obsessed with going to visit. They feared if she did, her grief would truly consume her. They knew those nights she surely went home and cried. They had no idea about the others. They tried to keep her happy by coming up with a schedule for her, so she wouldn't have to juggle her time to 'go see' him. Subaru even went with her sometimes to say a chant, a peaceful spell if you will, for his young comrade. But he only went when he felt it was right. Arashi sometimes asked him to go too often, and for that he would refuse. Only due to the fact that she needed to slow down or she would wipe out and he figured if he didn't go, she wouldn't stay as long, knowing she had nothing but a small prayer to give.
So on those weekend nights, when her tear flow would increase, even though she couldn't possibly cry anymore, I would try to visit her. I always tried to sneak into her dreams, but there was never anything there. And so, in the darkness of her unconscious mind, she could never hear me call. I could never do anything, but I think I'm wearing her down. I think it'll be a matter of time before she'll see me again.
I pray I can help her…
XoXLiving in a small one-room apartment isn't much, but it is a life. A life promised to live. Every day is the same, every week. But it is a calm, easy-going pattern, so it's bearable. This life that one would assume as a tragedy or a lost soul's path isn't not hard nor easy, but it's one promised life through another. There are no more troublesome calamities, no more strife between friends. Every lives their own lives as how they wish to. And honestly, it suits them very well.
Including Arashi Kishu. Everyone says, "Oh my, look at her. Poor thing,"
'Thing?'
"She looks so sad, like she's in pain,"
'That's because I am!'
"She doesn't even look like she's happy living."
'NO! I am!...Because I promised I would…I promised him I would be happy and live for both of us, so I will…even if…I wish…I didn't have to…'
It's not that living for both of us is a chore or a problem; it's not. But I'd rather it have been in a way where we could both live or… I don't know anymore. I want to keep Sorata alive in my heart by fulfilling his last wish; for me to live for the both of us, to keep our love alive. But why can't we…just be together? Why can't I be with him? Now? That's all I've ever wanted. That's why I betrayed my comrades and became a Dragon of Earth. For his sake. I would never have wished to go up against Kamui, but the other Kamui, Fuma Monou, told me it was the only way. In the end, it was too difficult and my efforts were in vein.
In the end, nothing was changed. He wasn't saved.
And for that, I can't let it go. It's too hard to move on. I got to share one spectacular night with him, and that is all I'll ever get. After that, I left in search of the other Kamui, so I could try to change his destiny. I realized that night, while lying in his arms, that I couldn't let him die. I knew then if he did, this would happen. I knew I would end up like this. Just as he had known all along he would die for me. Truly, I was a fool. I am probably condemned to hell for my crimes. I betrayed heaven in order to assist the demons of Earth to fight against a heaven's angel's destiny. And attacked one of 'my comrades'. There is no way to justify my crimes and I shall accept my punishment if it means I could at least be closer to him one last time.
If the other…I mean Fuma could still grant wishes, I wish he could grant mine. I wish to see Sorata at least one last time before plunging into hell for my horrible deeds.
No one knows how I feel. I bet even if Sorata is watching over me like he promised, he has no idea just how much I'm suffering. He didn't think I would suffer, that's why he asked me what he did. That's why he used his final breaths of life to make me promise such a thing. After I told the remaining Seals what had happened, they cried for me. Even Yuzuriha held me and told me she knew keeping my word would be difficult, especially when I'd rather be with him, but she promised me she would always be there to help if she could. That's why she keeps inviting me for sleep-overs. But it's impossible for me. When he left my life, he took more than my heart. He took everything from me that required it. Including the ability to live through life. No one can live their life without a functional heart.
I think that those nights lessen my tears, the ones where she asks me to stay. Because it gives me support, knowing I have something left. I try to be thankful for them, I really do. And I value their assistance so much. But I really wish they didn't have to put up with me. Every time I walk into the room, I see their faces harden, as if, if I see happiness, I'll be sad, which is the opposite from the truth. And them doing so makes me feel as if I am burdening them.
I remember one night I actually tried to get involved with them. They wanted to take Mr. Kusanagi to the movies once he had healed. I was just coming back from the cemetery and was unaware of this. But I saw them passing by and called out to them. It was a mistake I'll never forgive myself for. Of course they saw me and looked at me with those eyes. Then Inuki came over to me and started pulling on my skirt. That's when Yuzuriha asked me to join them. Figuring this was one way I could pay her back for all the refusals, I agreed. Also knowing if I did, they would soften those stares that always make me feel as if I'm troubling them.
We went to the theatres and all sat together. I sat in between Yuzuriha and Subaru. I was shocked to see Subaru with the group, since no one had told me and he didn't seem like the type to sit and enjoy a movie, but I just brushed it off. I can't really remember what the movie was called, but I remember it had singing characters. Some of it was getting to me a little, but I calmed myself by closing my eyes and remembering my nightly activity. But at one point, the two main characters began this song. It started with the line,
"Without you…"
Instantly, I was on edge. And I only got worse as the song went on. Then, the last few lines hurt me so much…
"Life goes on… Without…you…
But I'm
gone
'Cause I die…
Without you…
That was it. I bolted out of the theatre and ran home. I cried too much to even describe that night, I don't even know for how long. I didn't talk to my friends for a few weeks. I only returned to them after an encounter with Subaru. The first time he came to see Sorata since the funeral. I was staring blankly at his tombstone, holding back my tears so I wouldn't cry in front of him. I didn't want to worry him and ruin his place of rest. That's when he said,
"Crying won't bring him back."
I looked at him with eyes mixed thoroughly with emotions. He took my silence as a chance to continue.
"Sorata was a good kid. And he cared for you deeply. Sitting here and mourning for the rest of your life isn't making anything better, and surely isn't making anyone happy."
"…I'm here because I want to be with him. Is that so wrong?"
"No, it's not. But it's not right either."
"Are you trying to tell me he doesn't want me here?"
"Yes."
"Why would you say that!"
"Because it's what he would. You are sitting here, with your soul rotting away, day after day. Do you think that's what he would want? Are you fulfilling his last wish by doing this? You're not letting go, you're not moving on and that's why…we, as your friends, can't look at you the same. We don't know how to approach you because you are truly consumed with grief."
"No I'm not! I am paying respects to-"
"If it were me, I wouldn't want you here either. All you do is come here and pray. The when you run out of things to say or tell him, because you do nothing, you just sit here and waste away. Get up and prove to him that you are doing as he asked of you. Prove to him you're happy and he will be too."
Subaru's words to me that day both cut me and healed. That's when I made a deal with him. If he would come honour the 'passed-on' Seal once in awhile, I would only visit Sorata on weekends. He was the one who thought of my half of the deal, and I his. I can't say I was one-hundred percent happy with the terms on my end, but after what Subaru had said, I was afraid I was upsetting Sorata. So I agreed. And it actually gave me more to talk about with him when I went to visit. Not a whole lot more, but enough o let me stay a bit longer then usual.
But after my visit today, I got to thinking. This isn't a horrible life. This isn't a blessed life. This is just a life. A life forced to live on due to a promise. And that's when it hit me; a forced life is a life that isn't whole. I want to grant his wish, but at the same time I want to be with him. Was my destiny to suffer? Without him, I cry every night. I spend my entire weekends at a cemetery. Most my clothing is black for remorse. I always hesitate to eat, even if I'm starving. I never again will feel the pleasure of a dream.
Life just goes on…and my soul's gone.
Once again, I feel the hot tears trace my face. This has to be a record, I think, for I am not even in my sleep wear or on my bed yet. So, knowing once they start I can't stop, I quickly get into my pyjamas and jump into bed. The usual routine follows until I have no energy left to live the rest of the night…
XoX…XoX "…Wh-where am I?"
"Hey there, Arashi."
Turning her head slightly while gazing at the grey space she currently resided in, Arashi's hazy mind gave her enough control to turn her head in the direction of sound she had heard. Immediately upon finding the source, she opened her eyes wide and gasped. With one hand over her mouth, fingers grazing her cheekbone to catch any tears, she pushed herself up to stand. One by one afterward, she took a step at a time until she was sure she was approaching…
"Sor…Sorata? Is it really…you?"
"Yup, the one and only."
"Oh my…" she whispered under her breath as she quickened her pace, wanting to be in his arms again. That was her wish, after all.
"Stop," Sorata held up a hand to stop her movements, only six steps away from her now.
"Why? What's wrong?" she asked worriedly.
"You won't…be able to touch me. I am a spirit after all."
"Oh…" she sounded hollow. With downcast eyes, she squinted trying to close the dams known as tear ducts in her eyelids.
"But I really wanted to see you. So even though we can't touch, at least we're together, right?" Sorata tried to comfort his girl.
She sniffled and looked up at him slowly. With happy eyes, she nodded with the tiniest smile.
"Good. Now there's my girl. Nice to finally be able to respond to you. It's a shame really. I don't know if I deserve such a beautiful woman coming to visit me all the time. I bet many guys would be beating me up right now if I weren't dead."
"I would beat them up then if they tried."
"Heh heh…right. So missy, lose the tears, alright?"
"Okay…" "C'mon, let's take a seat over their." Sorata pointed in the direction behind them. She turned her form to catch the sight just in time of a bench fading into existence. She gasped in shock, but followed Sorata two steps behind.
"So…we're…" she let it hang, waiting for an answer from him as she watched him take a seat, following close behind. "In your dream." He answered a bit seriously.
"Really…" she sounded mesmerized, as if this was an all new experience for her.
"…Wait, but how…? Why?"
"Arashi," she was sad not to hear her nickname being used, "you haven't been keeping your promise to me."
"What?" she was hurt by that remark, "What do you mean? Of course I have! I'm living, aren't I? I-"
"Not completely."
"…Pardon?"
"Arashi, by staying in the past and only living on my memories, you're torturing yourself, your friends and your soul. And because your soul is in pain and it knows what you really want, it's slowly been escaping your grasp. It's slowly been sneaking away into your subconscious because it's a place to human can tap into. And it's a place where I've tried to come visit you a few times."
"You…have?" she felt her eyes fill, knowing he was keeping his word.
"I've been trying to talk to you for a while. I've been trying to come into your dreams for as long back as I can remember as a spirit. But you don't have dreams anymore. Do you know why?"
"I'm…not sure."
"It's because every night, you cry yourself to sleep. You think of me, trying to preserve any memory you have. Because of what I told you, how even my memories of my mom were fading, you've been afraid that that'll happen to you when it comes to me. You're afraid that if you don't remember me each day, I'll be gone. And you don't want that. Believe me, I don't want that either. But each night when you think of me, crying your eyes out, you drain yourself of so much energy, your brain can't deal with offering you a pleasant dream. And how am I suppose to feel when I come visit you and you're not there? Or when I know you cry every night because of me?
"But…what do you want me to do? Smile?"
"No, I-"
"I'm living like you asked me to! I didn't have to! I could've killed myself just to be with you! Even if I ended up in hell I would've been eternally happy to see you once more!"
"But you wouldn't see me in hell…"
"I know! But on my judgement day, I would ask for just one wish. Just to see you one last time before I plunged into hell."
"And how do you think that would make me feel to see you drop into hell like that while I'm happily up in heaven! Do you think I would be happy!"
"Do you think I'm happy that you're in heaven and I'm on Earth!"
"Missy…"
"You wished that I would live on for us so both so our love could. And I am. I'm living on without my soul-mate because he asked me to while I wait on Earth for my final day. But I don't know if it'll ever come! Tell me Sorata, did you ask to know my destiny while you flew around on angel wings?"
"No, only because it's not my place to know."
"My soul-mate can't know my fate?"
"Missy, you're not being fair."
"Neither is life! I want to be with you but I'm stuck on the only thing next to hell; Earth! Why is it so bad? Because I live every day hoping to see you again. You got your wish, you fulfilled your destiny. But what about me? Does anyone care for my wish? Does anyone know my destiny? Does anyone care about how I feel at all?"
"MISSY! You know I do! But what can I do to help? I-"
"Take me with you."
"Wh-wuh-what?"
"When you leave me dream and return to heaven, take me with you."
"WHAT? Missy, you're asking something crazy here! Do you realize what you're saying?"
"Yes I do. I only lived on because you asked me to. When I was seven, my…mother asked me to eat. And I told her I wouldn't because I hadn't decided f I wanted to eat and live or starve and die. She told me many things to boost my confidence, but the one thing that made me gain the will to move on was that one day, someone would love me. I thought I found that someone, but…"
"Don't EVER question if I love you EVER AGAIN!" his outburst caused him to stand up, fists clenched and an angry fire lit his eyes, "After all this time, you think it's okay to question if I still love you? What, because I'm a spirit, I can't feel or love? Missy! You know I love you, otherwise I wouldn't have died for you."
"But I wish you didn't! I wish you hadn't loved me! I wish…I had never even glanced at those chopsticks, never picked them up to eat. That way, I could've died and you wouldn't have died protecting me. You could've died for some other girl. And even if you loved her more than me, at least I would meet you in heaven. And if I did, I know I would fall in love with you because then I truly would be in eternal bliss. Even if she died later and you loved her more, I would still love you and be happy for you!"
"…You keep sacrificing yourself for our love, don't you?" he sounded as if he had calmed down. Arashi watched as he turned to face her, his eyes so pure, they made hers widen in surprise, "But you see, there could never be another girl I would ever love. Because in my eyes, you are the most beautiful girl in the world. And that was part of my destiny."
"Oh…Sorata…" she began to cry again. Sorata realized this meant it would weaken her again, meaning the dream would be ending soon. So, he continued on. As she the grey began to fade, he approached her, kneeled down to look into her eyes and went on.
"Missy my dear, you've got more then just me to live for you know. You've got Yuzuriha, and Subaru, Inuki, Mr. Aoki and Mr. Kusanagi. Plus, as a Dragon of Heaven, you have to live on for all those who died in the battles we had. It may sound hard and confusing, but if you cared about them as much as they care about you, you should be happy and live. We all love you, especially me," at that, she smiled and laughed slightly, "so be happy for us please. All of us up in heaven can't wait to see you smile again. I can't wait to prove to them all just how right I was, 'cause you see, I…uh…"
"Yes?" she asked him to continue, noticing his blush. He exhaled and leaned in to whisper in her ear.
"I kinda bragged to everyone up there how you have the most beautiful smile ever. They're all waiting to see it and so am I, okay?" he pulled back to look right into her eyes. Her tears now flowed silently as her smile grew more so and she nodded her head in agreement.
"See? Now show that to everyone when you wake up, alright? Live on missy. If you love me as much as I love you, then you want to be happy right?"
"Of course!"
"Good. Then smile and be happy with our friends. Have so much fun, for the both of us. And if you do, I promise you, when it's your time for judgement, I'll be the one to come get you, okay?"
"O…kay…" she coughed out through sobs.
"That's my girl. I've got to go now," –he saw the fright in her eyes- "but if you can stop your crying every night and be happy, I may be able to visit you more. But know no matter what, I am always watching over you."
"I know."
"Good-bye, my special missy."
"Good…bye…Sorata…"
XoX…XoXShe awoke from her dream so happily, it was as clear as day in her eyes. She held tears of joy to support the feeling as she sat up to grab on of the few remaining Kleenex she had left on her night stand. She delicately wiped them away and sniffled. After placing the cloth back on the stand, she looked out the window. There were raindrop residue on the glass. 'There must have been a storm last night…maybe even a thunder storm.' She judged by the rain on her window. Pulling back her bed covers, she got up and walked over to the said window. With it covered so much rain and losing the ability to see through, she opened it up and gazed out side.
Her assumption was obviously correct. A thunder storm had occurred while she was deep in slumber. But at the far end of the sea which could clearly be seen, she could see the sun peaking through the remaining clouds and over the water as if to get see her and only her. She them remembered the deal she made with Sorata and smiled in its direction.
Almost instantly, she could've sworn she heard Sorata cheer within her head.
She smiled even more as she gazed out at the sight, until she heard someone at the door screaming, "Oh, ARASHI! You up? We're all going for brunch, you wanna come?"
"…Yeah! I'll be right there."
'Life goes on…so I'll live, just for you.'
With one final look to sea, she got up and headed toward her front door, not realizing how many new opportunities awaited her once she reached out to open it.
'I'm glad, missy. To see you so open and happy.'The End.
!oo!
Hope you enjoyed that! I just watched the last three dvds of 'X/1999' last night and cried so hard when Sorata died.
This fanfic is in
memory of Sorata, and his love with Arashi. R.I.P.
Sorata!
Please R & R