Title: Angsty Salad Dressing

Summary: Jack is abducted by crazed fan girls with puppets.

Pairings: Uh...no.

Rating:K+ ('cuz of the cursing and the rum)

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, Voldemort, McDonald's, or Pirates of the Caribbean. I also refuse to tell what brand of salad dressing Jack likes to guzzle.

Captain Jack Sparrow glared at the scene in front of him.

The scene in front of him was horrible, hideous, disheartening, scary, and above all...unflattering.

Some weird fangirls had found him, tied him to a beanbag chair, and had decided to put on a puppet show so he wouldn't get bored and have a strange flashback.

Puppet Jack: Why aren't you happy Jack?

Real Jack: I hate you.

Puppet Jack: But whhhhhyyyy?

Real Jack: ...D'you really have to ask that question?

Puppet Jack: We just want to make you happy...

Real Jack: Well...get me some rum and the Black Pearl and we'll see.

Puppet Jack: All we have is salad dressing and a little rubber ducky named Steve.

Real Jack: sigh That'll do.

Strange flashback

Jack Sparrow sat in a bar, drinking low-fat salad dressing and sulking. The Black Pearl needed repairs and his crew had gone off looking for entertainment.

Jack had been horrified when he found out there was a gigantic hole in the bottom of the ship. His crew didn't really look that surprised and pointed pointedly to the below decks swimming pool that Jack had let that crazy guy without hands install.

The reason Jack had let a crazy guy without hands install a swimming pool in his ship was because his crew badly needed baths and a pool seemed the pretty handy (pun intended). A pool was inconspicuous. The crew would jump in, feeling the need to swim and get out shiny and clean.

It just didn't work out that way.

Apparently the man without hands felt very depressed about having no hands and had taken a giant saw to the bottom of the ship while Jack and the crew partied and drank rum.

Jack was a bit dubious about the saw being handled by a man with no hands but all the people he'd questioned had said the same thing: "Sure. Now take off your shirt."

He tipped the bottle up, letting the salad dressing slide down his throat. He wasn't exactly sure why he was drinking salad dressing or why there even was a bottle of salad dressing in the story in the first place, but he felt there had to be a very good reason.

The two crazed fangirls with puppets watched as Johnny-er-Jack fell for their trick. The salad dressing had crushed peppermints in it. And everyone knows when you crush peppermints in salad dressing and give it to an eccentric pirate that they fall asleep. Captain Jack Sparrow was no exception.

Jack frowned as his eyelids started to feel heavier.

"Damn...peppermints..."

End of strange random flashback

Suddenly Harry Potter appeared in front of Jack.

"I'm Harry Potter." Jack screamed at Harry's abnormally large head and passed out.

"That's never happened before," Harry sighed and tottered away to sit on top of Mickey D's.

Harry then fell off of McDonald's because his head was too abnormally huge and Ronald McDonald didn't like his giant M being blocked by Harry's head so he pushed him.

Harry's brains were then fried to make the new, low-fat burger. All the Harry Potter fans went to Mickey D's and ate them and got accepted into Hogwarts.

Voldemort ate one and suddenly became full of angst and the need to hex things that make moo sounds.

oOoOOoooOoOoOooo

A/N

I apologize for all the weirdness. Please accept this humble gift of bribery:

Please review or I may just post a second chapter!