What Happens in Hollywood.
by Adrian Tullberg.
"Michael?"
"Hey Don."
"Got a sec?"
"Sure."
"What's happening on the voice for Optimus Prime?"
"Still haven't decided. But ... I had an idea..."
"... that being ...?"
"Okay. Picture this. James Earl Jones."
"That look on your face buddy? You love it."
"... do you think he'd agree to take on another cult character? I mean, seriously?"
"I don't know ... but that voice of his? On a big honkin' robot?"
"Maybe we should consider Peter Cullen."
"Not again."
"It's a small thing budget wise, but a big thing for the existing fan base, which means a better opening weekend. Win win."
"Listen. This is a Michael Bay film. And on this Michael Bay film, guess who has total, creative control?"
"Steven Spielberg?"
"Ste ... No! Michael Bay! Not a bunch of guys living in their mom's basement playing with old toys, got it?"
"There's ... other reasons..."
"What?"
"This came this morning..."
"Wha... what have the LAPD got to do with my film?"
"No, that's just an envelope the detective in charge put the photocopies in, because the originals are now evidence in an ongoing investigation."
"AHHH!"
"Yep."
"That's ... that's me."
"Yeah."
"What the hell's being done to me?"
"It's called 'drawn and quartered'. Medieval form of execution for somebody they really didn't like."
"Ow."
"You see Braveheart?"
"Oh."
"And there's more..."
"Oh Christ."
"Trust me. God had nothing to do with this."
"I'm being ... violated ... by ... what do they call those things again?"
"Ewoks."
"Why Ewoks?"
"Do you mind if I pass on the whole psychoanalysis here? Just looking at those pictures is going to give my therapist another yacht."
"Do you know the scary part? This is actually a good likeness of me naked."
"What?"
"See? Right there? It's covered a bit by my intestine, but that's my birthmark."
"You have a birthmark?"
"Actually, it's more a of a mole than a birthmark. But ... I've had it a long time."
"So, unless you made a ... student film nobody's known about, this means whoever drew this has been following you around places like your gym for artistic inspiration..."
"Not good?"
"Very not good."
"Oh. Oh my."
"You okay?"
"Well, I'm seeing a picture of me, having my manhood torn off and stolen by ..."
" ... a coyote?"
"No ... I know this ... what stole Meryl Streep's baby?"
"A dingo?"
"Yes! A wild dingo. You know, this would be a funny scene."
"What, your genitals torn off by a wild Australian?"
"Actually, imagine a scene, right? Where some poor schmuck is being tortured for information? In fact, it'd be perfect for Steve Buscemi - he's pleading for his balls, somebody pours steak sauce all over him..."
"Mike?"
"Yeah?"
"Focus."
"Sorry."
"Focus."
"Okay."
"What are you going to do?"
"Focus?"
"Good. It's got everything to do with Transformers, because instead of your personal office, someone paid a courier to deliver this over to your office on the set, so it's pretty clear why this person is ..."
"You know, this is pretty good."
"... well, yeah, but ..."
"No. Seriously, this was, just pencil work? But the detail's fantastic."
"Mike..."
"Do you think we can get this guy to do the promo art when they catch him?"
"This person's threatened to kill you, and you want to do a promotional deal?"
"Dude. Hollywood."
"This persona has obviously spent a lot of time imagining and detailing your torture, degradation and death ..."
"Dude. Hollywood."
"... and you want to sit down and explain marketing strategies when the only thing you should be handing this guy is a restraining order?"
"Dude. Hollywood."
"Take this seriously. Please."
"This guy's ... this guy's just blowing off steam..."
"An angry rant on Aint It Cool is blowing off steam. An anatomically correct detailed drawing of your internal organs is seriously disturbed."
"One guy, blowing off steam."
"Michael? Apart from every producer's dream of being part of a project that grosses more than Titanic and wins fifteen Oscars, do you know that I want from life?"
"What?"
"To live."
"Oh."
"And when the end does come, to have the option of an open casket."
"You seriously think this guy, or other guys like him, is going to come after us?"
"Not us. You."
"Huh?"
"Well, Stephen's got a pretty good cred ... I mean, he's gotten away with working with Tom Cruise twice..."
"That means they're gonna come after us."
"I also have six hundred pages of documentation and two and a half hours of footage which shows I tried my best to preserve the original Transformers continuity but you ruthlessly overrode me at every opportunity just to provide an excuse for more explosions."
" ... you'd leave me out to dry at the mercy of a bunch of fanboys desperate to tear me apart?"
"Dude. Hollywood."
"Great ..."
"Look, this was put in evidence before anybody saw it, and I got the detective and his supervisor to sign confidentiality agreements. Don't ask me how. We can put out a press statement that Peter Cullen was screen tested and won the part fair and square."
"Just ... how good is this Culkin guy anyway?"
"Cullen."
"Whatever."
"He's done a ton of voice work for years. A real professional."
"Uh huh."
"Disney, Blizzard Entertainment, even did some work for Knight Rider..."
"What, he was the car?"
"No ... he did the evil car ... not David Hasselhoff's car, the .."
"Oh yeah! I remember that! That was seriously cool."
"So ... he's in?"
"Okay. He's in."
"I'll tell the press office."
"You think this'll stop 'em?"
"Well ... some of them. The rest will wonder how badly you're going to screw up the rest of the movie."
"You know Don - you're handling this pretty well."
"Mike - lemme buy you a drink. Then, at the bar, I'll tell you about the fanbase of a guy called Alan Moore..."