BACK ON THE CHAIN GANG – Chapter 4

Please see Chapter 1 for disclaimers.

Well, that went way better than I was afraid it would, Alex thinks as she pulls out of Jen's driveway. Beside her, Bobby is quiet, staring out the passenger window again. She wonders what he's thinking.

"Hey, Bobby?" He turns his head towards her. "Sorry about dinner turning into such a circus – I didn't know all those people were going to be there."

"It's okay – I'm glad I came. I like your family."

She snorts. "That's more than I can say, some days."

In her peripheral vision, he waves a hand at her, his standard I don't buy it gesture.

"Oh please, Eames. They drive you nuts, but you love them." She can hear the smile in his voice.

"Yeah," she says after a second, taken aback by how…sure of her he sounds. "Yeah, I do."

He's probably got me pegged six ways from Sunday now, with all the material I've given him tonight, she thinks, feeling exposed. But…if it helps us get back in sync…and he'd never take advantage. Would he?

She concentrates on driving, and tries not to think too hard about how comfortable it felt, having him there with her family tonight.

"Jen seemed a lot…calmer… than I remember. Steadier," Bobby says suddenly, into the silence.

They're stopped at an intersection, and she almost forgets to accelerate when the light goes green - she's too busy gazing at him in amazement.

"And you've spoken to my sister what, maybe two or three times before?" She shakes her head ruefully. "Not that I should be surprised." Then,

"Yeah," she says softly. "I don't think I truly realized how badly she wanted a child, until I saw her with Owen, after he was born…saw the difference in her, how she is – just in general."

"She's happy," says Bobby, but there's a question in it.

"Sure, but it's more than that," Alex says slowly. "It's as if…a part of her was…missing, before, and now that she has Owen she just – copes better with everything, somehow. I mean, she was a wonderful, smart, competent, loving woman with a full life before she was a mom…but I guess – I don't know, it makes me wonder if some people are just meant to do certain things, and something's always going to be…off kilter, until they find a way."

Bobby considers this. She sneaks a glance sideways; he's leaning back in his seat, eyes sleepy. He looks relaxed, she thinks with relief. I hope he'll sleep tonight after all.

"It's possible, I guess," he says. "It'd be different things for different people, obviously…maybe even different things at different times in one person's life…although I have to say, I've never been too keen on the idea of fate, or predestination."

"Me neither. I like to think I make my own choices, thank you very much. But…" She shrugs. "I don't know."

Silence for a few blocks, and she figures he's drifted away, back into his own thoughts. But then,

"It's how I felt when I transferred to Major Case," he offers. "Like I was…finally in the right place."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Well, you know, after I got settled in." Eyes on the road, she feels rather than sees the sheepish grin he shoots in her direction. She rolls her eyes.

"I remember." Oh boy, do I. Talk about a rocky start – our problems lately are nothing compared to back then. God, that feels like a long time ago. So weird to think of a time when we were strangers to each other…

Bobby continues. "I mean – in Narcotics, I was good…really good at what I did. Lots of people thought that's where I belonged – even me, for a while. But running those undercover ops – the lines get so blurry. Before you know it you're acting like the bad guys, and it's all in the service of the bust so it's justifiable…I don't know. It was just too easy to – get lost, I guess. I don't do so well without…boundaries. Clear structures."

"So what you're saying," she says drily, "is that you actually like having the Captain and the DA haul you over the coals on a regular basis."

Problem with authority, my ass. You are so busted, my friend…

"Yeah," he agrees with a small, rueful laugh. "Or at least, I think it's necessary, for me. To have lines drawn like that."

She thinks about that, negotiating a difficult left turn. It feels like this conversation is turning into something different, something important – like maybe they might get somewhere if they pursue it, but she's damned if she knows where that is…and before she can figure it out, they're pulling up in front of his building. Damn.

Bobby unbuckles his seatbelt, and she tries to think of something to say that won't sound completely trivial. A bright, cheerful So - see you at work tomorrow just doesn't seem…enough, after the way they've just been talking.

"It's not just Deakins and Carver," her partner says abruptly, his voice a little too loud in the uncomfortable silence. Distracted, she rewinds the past few minutes in her mind, trying to figure out what he's getting at. Then,

"I mean, the reason I feel like I'm in the right place – it's mostly you."

And just like that, she's struck speechless. Painfully grateful that it's dark, that he can't see the blood that has rushed to her face, the way her heart has lodged in her throat.

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to make you uncomfortable," he continues awkwardly. "I just – want you to know. I guess I didn't really realize it till you were gone, which sounds like such a cliché, but…and we've – well, since you got back things have been…difficult. So…I just want to say that I'm sorry if it seems like I've been…pushing you. Or – or asking for something that you can't give."

"Bobby," she starts to say, helplessly. "You aren't – you haven't –

"No, wait," he cuts her off, moving uncomfortably in his seat, and when did this car get so damn small? she wonders, trying to take a deep breath without missing a word of what he's saying.

"I need you to know - it's only because I've been so – eager to get back to…to working with you. I didn't know – didn't realize how much things have changed for you – with Owen, and everything. But – seeing you with your family…I understand better, now…and, well, the last thing I want is to get in the way."

Oh, Bobby.

Since the last month or so of her pregnancy, she's been slowly getting used to the feeling of being submerged, knocked down by waves of emotion that leave her shaky and vulnerable. She'd thought it was only Owen who could do this to her – twist her heart with this strange combination of joy and pain, as though light is shining into corners of her soul that have been dark for years. But apparently someone else is on that short list.

She flails mentally, desperate to make him understand…to ease the loneliness she can clearly hear echoing underneath his words.

"You haven't been getting in the way," is the first thing that comes out of her mouth, and she cringes inwardly at how inadequate it sounds.

Lame, Alex. Not the time for pat, comforting answers. Don't screw this up – it's too important.

She takes a deep breath and tries again, twisting in her seat to try to see his face.

"Look, Bobby…yes, things have changed. I've changed," she says slowly. "I'm still figuring out how to deal with – with a lot of things. And it means a lot…a lot…to know that you see – that you understand."

He glances at her, and then quickly away, and she can feel how tense he is. He's waiting for a "But…" she realizes. The need to reassure him is instinctive, urgent, and before she's even conscious of any decision to do so, she's reaching out to curl her fingers around his, stilling their tapping against his knee. He freezes, his eyes locking to hers. She lifts her chin, wills herself not to look away.

"I need you to understand something, okay? Wherever I end up, with all this change…I want you to be there," she says as clearly as she can.

"I want us to be working together…I want us to be friends." At that, she feels his whole body relax, all of a sudden, and tries not to shiver. "I just – I've really missed you, Bobby."

For a long second he stares at her hand covering his. Then, slowly, he turns his palm up and squeezes her fingers. "Likewise," he says, and she can tell from his voice that he's as overwhelmed by feeling as she is.

Then he looks up, and before she knows what he's doing, he lifts her hand and drops a lightening-quick, soft kiss on her thumb knuckle.

"Thank you," he says, and his shy smile makes her feel just a little bit dizzy.

She shakes her head, embarrassed. I will not squirm. I will not.

"Are we okay, then?" she checks. He nods, eyes soft, and she takes her hand back reluctantly, looking away and smiling at the steering wheel.

"I should warn you – I'm probably still going to be a bitch to work with for a while."

He laughs, more freely than he has in weeks.

"That's all right. I'm no picnic myself, or so I've been told." Then, serious again, "It'll be okay, Eames. We'll figure it out."

"Yeah, we will." And she really believes it, for the first time in far too long.

We're back, she thinks on a wave of relief, as he says good night and gets out of her car. When he gets to the doorstep he stops and looks back, and gives her a funny little wave.

We'll never be quite the same as before…but maybe that's a good thing. So many new beginnings – why not one for us, too?

She lifts her hand to him, and as he turns to go inside she can see that he's smiling. She laughs out loud in her turn, alone in the dark, for gratitude and sudden, simple happiness.

Now we're back in the fight

We're back on the train

Back on the chain gang…

-- The Pretenders

THE END

Author's Note: "Back on the Chain Gang" is actually a pretty angry song…but I thought I'd put a more positive spin on it, at the end. ;) Thanks for reading!