Thoughts on My Life:

The Dark Lord is Balding

In all the moving pictures I've seen of the Dark Lord, he remains surprisingly still, as if he had already moved onto a different platform of life, leaving others behind. I say platform of life, but it could easily have been a visual reflection of his ascendancy to almost-immortality. The Dark Lord has always been an eerie man, and an eccentric one in his ways of living if not in his methods of torture—one can seriously get bored with the Cruciatus.

So I was looking at one of his Hogwarts picture and looked sideways to compare it to the present Dark Lord. The red eyes were definitely a new addition. And the Dark Lord had certainly lost his luscious and soft mop of dark chocolate hair. All that were left were tufts of brown and gray sprinkled here and there at the temples of his head. He even attempted to hide his increasingly bald spot by brushing long strands of gray over his skull. It was pathetic and I told him so and got crucio'd, as you probably expected.

"Keep this in mind, Harry, my abundant hair is silver!" the Dark Lord said in a particularly petulant way. "Silver is a very noble color and is reminiscent of my age and wisdom."

Not having learned my lesson, I snorted. "Calling your five strands of hair silver is just trying to convince yourself you still have enough hair to even have a conversation about it. Talk about denial, sir!"

"And no offence meant, of course…" I added.

I think he did take offence because I got cursed again.

"I really think you should consider the advantage of a wig, sir." I said, rubbing my chest to soothe the pain of the recent curse. This time I ducked when a curse came flying my way. Rolling on the floor, I managed to get myself near the door. I scrambled to my feet and said: "Think about it sir, you could look ten years younger and a lot less scarier!"

"What's wrong with looking scary? I'm supposed to impose fear into people," I heard him mumbling as I dashed into the corridor.

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The next day, I went to the Dark Lord's study, needing his superior knowledge of languages to translate a scroll on hexes I had discovered rolled and hidden in a corner of the library. I knocked and without waiting for an answer, walked in. You can imagine my surprise when I saw the fearsome Dark Lord with blood-colored irises trying on a set of dark brown hair similar to that of his youth.

I was so shocked he'd actually taken my advice that I just stood there and gapped, the scroll forgotten in my hand. I lie, I was more shocked by the fact that the Dark Lord could be so vain as to pat the top his head where the wig sat and to turn his body to see in which angle his hair looked best.

The image is actually pretty nauseating, now that I think about it. I shudder still at the memory. But I shudder more at the massive and unforgettable thrashing I got for walking in on the Dark Lord uninvited and catching him in the act of admiring himself. I don't think I've had that many curses and hexes thrown at me since. Not even when I was fighting twenty aurors single-handedly.

I think I stayed comatose for a month after that. That was before the Dark Lord had deigned that I had suffered enough for my intrusion on his privacy and healed me. I think I would've stayed in bed another couple of months had he not forgiven me.

The Dark Lord thus decided that wigs weren't too much his thing and opted to shave his head completely. I wonder who got the job of relieving the Dark Lord of his five strands of hair.

He keeps his head shaved nowadays because it does inspire more fear than tufts of brown grayish hair would. This has had people believe that he is actually bald. The fact that he has no eyebrows does not help. But the last time I passed in Diagon Alley, they were advertising this hair-invigorating potion. I might get it for the Dark Lord as a present next time he conquers a country or something.

It remains my everlasting belief however, that the Dark Lord is not actually bald, as opposed to what a lot of his followers think; he's just balding.

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Author's Note: It's not particularly funny or original but I've always wanted to write how Voldemort got bald. The chapter is a bit shorter than I expected. Anyhow, thanks for reading!