Title: A Letter To Hermione
Author: Mjade
Disclaimer: The whole Harry Potter series belong to JK Rowling, and no matter how much I want to own Draco and Remus, I don't have the authority.
Rating: T/Angst
Warnings: Rather tragic. Not for fragile hearts.
Summary: The fear that is gripping my heart for most of these days is the possibility that you may die. It is funny how much I have denied the existence of having a heart until I felt it breaking. I know I shouldn't care, I know you should mean nothing to me, and I should just focus on the job at hand, but every time I do it I am slowly dying inside. (HBP Compatible)
Author's note: Set during sixth year. It is actually an excerpt from hikaranko's amazing fma/hp crossover, Cerulean Silver vs. Amber Gold, that I am editing and co-writing with her. Just think of this as a preview to a future chapter. I've never written something so sad because I am partial to happy endings, but there's a first time for everything. Excuse the cliché's and hope you enjoy!
I must have started a hundred of letters to you, never knowing how to begin. I have sat like this one too many times in some illusion of glory, with a quill in hand and numerous crumpled pieces of parchment scattered across my bedroom floor. I hold my breath as I write each word, wondering why each one of them seems to give me so much grief. I must be foolish in thinking that somehow writing this would bring me closer to you. Hell, I don't deserve to be closer to you. You owe me nothing and I am nothing to you. I'm just an image, a representation, an epitome of your rage and anger, where all your frustration and fears turn me into something of meaning to you. But that's all I'll ever be. You hate me…and I don't blame you. Merlin knows I deserve that. But I'm not asking for your sympathy. I don't need pity nor do I need compassion, least of all from you. I don't write this expecting something—some miracle. I don't believe in them. Not anymore.
There are so many things I want to say to you; so many things that you need to know. I wish I could tell you that I never meant to cause you so much pain, that I am not the person you think I am, that I can be someone who…but I lack the courage. I am so much of a coward because I know that I meant every single one of that. I am so much of a goddamned coward that I hide behind the mask of the person I should have been, the ideas I should have believed, the misleading uncertainties and irrational fears that was supposed to be me. But now, I don't even have the slightest clue who I am. I have spent so many years being this one person; this thing that I hated beyond belief but have never stopped being. I can never be the person to make you smile, make you laugh, evoke any positive feeling out of you. I can never be the person who would protect you, who would stand up for you, who would love you…
No, I am not that person. No matter how much I wish I were, how much I pray for it everyday, but I cannot be that person for you. Those privileges were never meant for people like me. I don't know what love is. I am not sure I have even experienced it. I just know that when I look at you, hear your voice, catch your scent, or even when I allow my mind the slightest thought of you, I get a feeling that is so agonizing yet incredibly invigorating at the same time. And I hate you for it. That is probably the only thing that I have been honest about. I hate you. I do. I hate you for being of Muggle heritage, I hate you for being my rival's best friend, I hate you for making me feel things I know I shouldn't be feeling, especially for someone like you. It goes against everything I have ever thought and have ever believed in. With you, nothing in my life makes sense anymore. I can't even make sense in my own mind anymore.
Do you think that I brought this kind of insanity upon myself? That I haven't tried to stop it, tried to hold it back, tried to deny it, tried fervently convincing myself over and over and over again that this was nothing; that this whole madness would pass? This is your entire bloody fault, you know that. If you had never entered my life, if you had never existed in the first place, none of these things would have happened. I would have never endured all the anguish, the suffering, the sorrow of wanting something I could never have. I would have never displayed disloyalty to my family, be betrayed by my own thoughts, or felt guilt of wanting to be someone that I'm not.
But, then again, I would never have experienced so much contentment, so much freedom, and so much happiness even for just one blissful moment. But it drives me insane to know how wrong it is to feel that way. Happiness is something I cannot afford to feel. It rules against my family's ideals of duty, obligation, and honour. And I don't know what gives you any right to make me realize that there are far more important things than that. And all you had to do was to be your damned noble self. I hate you for doing this to me, but most of all I hate you for taking away all logic and all reason from the world I thought I knew. Yet, in my strange revelation, I never knew that the person I despised so much was the same person I so longed to be with.
However, we can never be together…and I have to live with that knowledge every single day of my life. I know you will always feel nothing but hatred towards me. And I know you long to be with someone else. You will never be laughing with me the way you laugh with him, you will never seek comfort in me the way you seek comfort in him, and you will never look at me the way you look at him. It kills me to know that you are exactly who you should be with. But deep down, I know he doesn't deserve you. Every time he ignores you, every time he takes you for granted, there is only so much keeping me from killing him with my bare hands. I know that he will never appreciate you the way I do. Despite all of that, I know that you will never be able to see past the mask I have worn for all of these years.
I can no longer protect you for I have placed you in a very dangerous position. Others, who have the ability to hurt many, have found out about my feelings towards you. They believe that you have become a threat to me and to them and they will do everything in their power to stop you. I can't let that happen, I have to end this. I can only say I'm sorry so many times. I want you to know that I never meant for this to happen but I should have expected it, instead of letting my selfishness and foolishness consume me. At the beginning of the year, I was assigned something that will without a doubt hurt you and everyone you care about. But I have no choice. If I refuse or if I fail to do it, the only person that I have left in the world will die because of it. And if I succeed, I will never forgive myself if I hurt you once again.
The fear that is gripping my heart for most of these days is the possibility that you may die. It is funny how much I have denied the existence of having a heart until I felt it breaking. I know I shouldn't care, I know you should mean nothing to me, and I should just focus on the job at hand, but every time I do it I am slowly dying inside. The thought of you lifeless, dead—I can't even begin to imagine it. Life will go on, the world would continue spinning, but the one thing that made me feel alive, even for a short while, would be gone for good. You'll never know how much you've saved me from this hateful person I've become and from the raging lies and fear that I was fed over and over again. But, despite that, I cannot stop what I'm doing. No matter how much it is killing me. Why does our world have to be so full of prejudices and discrimination? Why does everything that surrounds us have to be so complicated and conflicted? When can we finally breakthrough and find freedom, looking beyond what our world deems most vital? When will I find a way to ever be with you?
You will probably never get to read this or many of the other letters that I have written. However, this is the last and final one that I would ever write to you. I know I said that I don't know what love is, but I don't know how to explain it any other way. I promised myself that for once in my life, I would tell the truth. I would stop denying everything I say or do; it will never prove anything and that is not fair to you. So, as I end this, without you ever knowing how strongly I felt for you, all the pain and pleasure you have given me, the prison and sanctuary I found in you, it has finally become clear to me. And I need to say it before all courage fails me again.
I love you, Hermione Granger.
Goodbye forever,
Draco
A/n: Tissue anyone? As a standalone piece, this could probably be written just before Draco lets the Death Eaters into Hogwarts. However, I strongly recommend reading Cerulean Silver vs. Amber Gold so you know how it all came to this and because it's an entertaining read. Heh heh, well anyway, here's hoping for a happy ending! Hope you liked it, it's not my best piece but it's the first really tragic one I've written.
- Mjade