Disclaimer: I don't own these characters.
Author's note: The angst-filled plot bunny is back again. I tried some fluff, but this story kept eating at me. It's all told in first person from the points of view of Hawkes and Lindsay. It's essentially a Hawkes/DL story. Expect twists. Thanks for your support.
COPING - Chapter 1
Sheldon Hawkes
Rubbing my eyes did nothing to help the heaviness I felt in them this morning. I approached the latest crime scene at 7:30 a.m. and I had been up until 4 a.m. talking to Faith. She was crying as always about her latest argument with her boyfriend, Robert, and as always I told her she deserved better.
You deserve me, I wanted to say. But I didn't, just played the devoted friend, just as I have since our days growing up in that shitty neighborhood in Queens. The logical part of me knows Faith is a dead end and I should move on, but the heart is a fickle thing. With a deep sigh I resolve to focus on the job at hand, which today involved a CPA shot through the temple in his office.
I nod to Det. Don Flack and headed toward the office. When I arrive I am glad to see steadfast, kind-hearted, hard-working Lindsay Monroe. We've always worked well together, and she's been a good friend since we went to the opera a few months before. Actually, it happened quite by accident - Faith cancelled on me at the last minute because she and Robert got back together. I asked Lindsay on a whim, figuring she'd enjoy the experience being new to the city.
It's good we kept our friendship secret - Lindsay certainly rumors so early in her career here, particularly unfounded ones. I notice today that I am not the only one in turmoil. Her face is lined with weariness and tension. We rarely discussed our romantic lives, but I know she and Danny were seeing each other since after Louie's hospitalization. He seemed to make her happy until that bungled hostage situation that nearly got Lindsay killed. Since then, the tension between the two was palatable, and I have the distinct impression they aren't together anymore.
Lindsay
Sheldon. Good, I couldn't handle Danny today, or even Stella. He could be relied upon to just do his job, not pry into my personal life as a well-meaning Stella might, or ratchet up the tension and pain like Danny.
It had been several weeks since Danny and I had a civil conversation outside of work. I remember how concerned he was about me after my undercover attempt, how he held me back at the apartment, telling me how much he cared. Then he made love to me with a passion and fury that was almost frightening. Early the next morning, when I woke and he wasn't beside me, I knew something was wrong. I found him on the balcony.
"It can't work, Lindsay. We can't do this anymore."
Those simple words devastated my like no other. We argued - cursing, crying, yelling. But what it all came down to was Danny closing himself off, protecting himself from the pain of possibly losing me. Nothing I said worked.
I can't do it, Montana," he said sadly, using my nickname for the first time in our discussion. "I can't let you inside me, let you become part of my heart, then lose you. I survived a lot, but I couldn't survive that."
And so he was gone from my life, and I tried my best to move on. I sigh, focusing on Sheldon. "How are you?" I ask, eager to getmy mind off Danny.
"Tired, Linds, but okay."
Not really, I can't help thinking. I know Sheldon is haunted by a woman - likely the one who dumped him the night of the opera. Faith was her name … I saw a picture of her when I picked Sheldon up for work while his car was in the shop. When I asked if she was a friend, his answer had been cryptic…. "Yes - no -I don't know. There's isn't a word to describe my relationship with Faith, Lindsay."
Hawkes
Robert Jenkins, the CPA, was a murder victim, as examination of his head wound proved. The shot to the temple was fired from about 4-feet way, according to Hammerbeck, which ruled out suicide. Lindsay, Flack and I spend the day interviewing suspects and processing evidence. Soon, we zero in on small-time mobster Manny Grimaldi. It appeared Jenkins was cooperating with police to bring down Grimaldi, using evidence he found while processing his taxes.
Later, with Grimaldi safely in a cell and the DA's office processing the necessary paperwork to get a trial date, I headed gratefully to the locker room. "Hey Danny," I say when I see Messer.
"Hawkes." Danny's monotone voice is telling. Like Lindsay, he appears weary and sad.
Damn it man, tell her you love her and fix this, I want to say, but it isn't my business. And, truth be told, if Messer couldn't get his act together, Lindsay may be better off.
After Danny leaves, I prepare for another evening at home. Dating is exhausting - my mind is always elsewhere - and I prefer to spend most nights listening to jazz, reading and - much as I hate to admit it - waiting to hear from Faith.
The locker room door opens, and Lindsay appears. "Hey Sheldon. What's going on?"
"Nothing, you?"
"Nada, which is my problem. I just don't feel like going home. What do you say? Want to catch some dinner?"
Lindsay
I'm relieved when Sheldon agrees to go out. Danny had scarcely spoken a word to me that day, but kept staring, studying me. He loves me, dammit! But his screwed-up honor code prevents him from coming back to me.
Truth be told, I know Sheldon can use a night out as well. This Faith person seems to send him for a loop every time she enters his life. I know they were seeing each other when I first arrived in New York. That ended the night of the opera, when she ditched him for her ex. Sheldon didn't tell me that, but I figured it out from things he said.
"So, where do you want to go?" I ask.
"Well, there's this new Mexican place on Fourth and Goddard. What do you say, want to try something spicy?"
Hawkes
A couple of hours later we leave Felippe's with full stomachs and satisfied minds - Lindsay is an intelligent woman, not some stupid yokel as some would believe. I always enjoy our dinners. My neighbor across the hall suggested I ask her out, but we are meant to be friends, that's all. I'm grateful to have a woman in my life that I don't have to puzzle over.
"You ready to head home?"
Lindsay pauses and shakes her head. "Know of any other good spots, Doc? I just don't feel like being home in my apartment tonight."
To my surprise I agree with her. A night alone is no longer as appealing. "What about Cozy's? On Fridays I think they have this contemporary jazz ensemble that's pretty good."
A hour later we head into DeMarco's, an upscale bar on 23rd. There's dancing, current music and comfortable seating. It's a decent alternative to Cozy's, which was packed full of people. We settle at a little table just off the dance floor.Luckily, DeMarco's isn'ttoo loud, and Lindsay and I can actually talk without shouting.
"So, why aren't you out with some hot woman tonight? Sheree in the trace lab certainly has her eyes on you."
I smile. "Not my type, too showy. Anyway, I'm not good boyfriend material right now."
"Faith? Don't look surprised, Sheldon, I'm a detective. I'm good at reading signals."
I'm trying to think of a way to respond when I see Lindsay's attention shift tothe dance floor. I turn to see what has captured her attention, and it doesn't take long to figure it out.
Lindsay
I can't believe it. Danny is slurping on some tall blonde's neck, not 20 feet away. The bimbo - complete with fishnets and micro leopard skirt - is giggling. I can tell from his stance he's drunk - if it weren't for Bambi he probably wouldn't be able to stand.
"Lindsay?" Sheldon's voice breaks through. "You want to go."
It takes me a moment to gather myself and hold the tears back. Dammit. "Yeah, there's nothing for me here."
TBC