This story is conceived for rather mature audiences and none of the characters in it are owned by me. Those with weak constitutions should stay away from this completely. It is NOT for children. It deals with a lot of sexual humour and should NOY be read by the impressionable young mind of any younger then an 17 year old. This story is rated M, for mature audiences. Enjoy.
Sexual Problems Anoymous
Warning: Strange things will happen and I'm not responsible for them.
(Self-Help class, The Brain wheels out of his corner
Brain: Hello, my name is Brain.
Everyone: Hi brain.
Brain: I've been a brain in a jar for several years now. My main goal is world domination and such. However one of my long term goals is to get myself a human body so me a Mousier Mallah can finally consulmate our love.
(Everyone in the room vomits on the floor)
Brain: Was it something I said?
Guy off screen: Your a sick minded fuck!
Brain: Mallah, mark that man down for termination
Mallah: Yes master
Brain: We are all here because we have different sexual desires then most people. Not all of us are gay or homosexual but most of us just have different ways of going about doing the nasty. So let's go around the room and introduce ourselves.
(Willow and Tara stand up)
Willow: Hi, my name is Willow, I have magic powers
Tara: I'm Tara, I just hang around and stuff.
Willow: And we are both lesbians.
(Men in room get out video cameras)
Tara: We're not going to do that now you sick little asholes!
Brain: So how long have you been gay?
Willow: Since the college season on Buffy the Vampire Slayer started way back.
Tara: Our first kiss was so hot.
Man off screen: Re-inact it!
Willow: Would you shut up!
Tara: Anyway not many people have accepted our relationship.
Willow: But the writers of the show could care less. Besides, its not for kids anyway.
Brain: I understand your pain. No one accepts me and Mallah's love.
Tara: Oh no offence but I think its creepy
Willow: Yeah me too.
Mallah: Why? Your gay too.
Willow: Yeah, but were two human girls.
Tara: Your a monkey and a freakin brain in a jar!
Brain: I used to be a man you know.
Mallah: And I'm a gorilla
Willow: Still come on! that just means your relationship is based on Beastality.
Tara: Which is really gross.
Brain: Technically we have never done it.
Mallah: I usually just spread my excerement over his dome and then masturbate on his container. Its the closest we got.
(Everyone vomits)
Brain: Your all intolerant assholes.
Willow: Hello! You two aren't even the same species! I mean if Mallah was a human I could understand it, but... well... this is just gross!
Tara: How gross?
Willow: Like when
those scary Gentlemen creatures took away everyone's voices started
pulling out people's hearts.
Tara: Yeah that is gross.
Brain: Well no one cares about your opinion! I'm going to rule the world anyway and your just have to bow down to me and Mallah! So there! Next!
Willow: Your still sickos.
Brain: Silence!
Batwoman: Can I please tell my story.
Brain: Whatever.
Batwoman: My name is Batwoman, I'm the first ever openly gay superhero in DC comics and I have a problem.
All the men in the room: THREESOME!
Willow: Hell no.
Tara: Forget it.
Batwoman: None of you understand how lesbians act do you?
Guy off screen: Why aren't you sluts?
Batwoman: Cause we aren't! Listen, this is exactly the problem. People keep thinking that I'm gonna go off and start having sex with other woman superheroes for some reason. They think I'm gonna start having big rig orgies and stuff. I fight crime! I don't have time for that! Just because I'm attracted to woman doesn't mean I'm going to start humping every lesbo I see! How come people think us gays don't ever just choose one partner? How come they always think that we sleep in bed with several other woman night after night after night? Don't they ever freaking consider that maybe I'm just looking for someone right now? Don't they ever consider that the dating habits of homosexuals are no different then others! We're not exotic sex symbols we're poeple! And I demand that you start treating me that way!
(Slight pause)
Jock in front row: Take it off!
His Friend: Yeah, do it with the witch and the other girl!
Batwoman: Thats it! (Throws batarang and cuts off both their heads) Suck it you little fucking assholes!
Mallah: Look at all that blood master
Brain: Yes its like a fountain. Anyone else want to share?
(Guy with paperbag over his head steps up)
Guy: I'd like to remain anoymous. You see I'm in love with my boss.
Brain: Just like Mallah is with me!
Guy: Ew, no. My boss is a decrepit 120 year old man who runs a power plant and is probably not gay.
(Everyone just stares at him)
Willow: That isn't gross, its just freaky.
Batwoman: Yeah, I've heard of liking older people, but thats just ridiculous.
Guy: Well as his personal assistant its hard not be attracted. I bathe him, feed him, remind him who slobs in sector C-7G are, answer the phone for him, hell I even brush his teeth and help him pee.
Tara: Okay, that I didn't need to know.
Brain: Seriously, what the hell?
Willow: Your one to talk gorilla humper
Brain: Don't make me disintergrate you woman!
Guy: I'm just wondering what I should do? I don't want to come out of the closet.
(R. Kelley busts in)
R. Kelley: You need to come out the closet.
Come on man don't give me crap.
Unless you come out the closet,
you'll never find love and I can't complete this rap.
So why you ain't coming out the closet!
I'm gonna calm myself down...
AND PULL OUT MY GUN!
Brain: Jesus Christ he's gotta gun!
(Everyone scatters)
R. Kelley: You better come out the closet or else I'm gonna shoot some one!
(Mallah tackles him and throw him out the door)
Mallah: Uh, lets move on.
(Slade walks up)
Slade: My name is Slade Wilson, and I like children.
Batwoman: Who doesn't?
Slade: No I mean I really like children, in the creppy way.
(Everyone backs their chairs away from them)
Willow: I want to go home now.
Slade: It isn't my fault! They come on to me! I think Robin had this freaky obssesive thing going on that he wanted to do me. I mean I think so cause of how crazy he was back then but I wasn't even atracted to him. I like little girls, I'm not that sick.
Tara: Yes you are!
Slade: I think Terra was the best one I had! I could of sworn I made her moan like-
Batwoman: You complete that fucking sentence and I will fucking rip your fucking throat out!
Slade: Then I got the feel off that Raven chick during the time I was sending that message. Did you ever notice how awesome her body is without that cloak and leotard on? I mean I wanted to rock her so hard but I couldn't because- (Gets knocked on the head Mallah and thrown out the door)
Mallah :This is getting so wrong.
Brain: Perhaps we need to find someone with less extreme tastes.
(Blackfire gets up)
Blackfire: Hi, I'm Blackfire. Former alien princess and queen of Tamaran. Now I'm eciled, yeah suck to be me. Anyway I need help. Serious help here. I've been in a relationship with General Rage for several months now and we've been having the best time ever. I mean we've done every position in the karma sutra...twice.
Willow: On top and bottom!
Blackfire: Yep, and he never tires out. We've recently gotten into roleplay. I tell ya, he's the best damn wolf to my little Red riding hood ever. We've been acting out pornos and all that stuff, refined our foreplay a bit. However I feel like I haven't been getting enough in the past few months.
Tara: Why?
Blackfire: I don't know, everything just stopped a month ago. He said it was something to do about me being three months pregnant. Do you think he doesn't find me attractive anymore?
(Everyone stares at her confused)
Tara: Um...Blackfire, when your three months pregnant its not a good idea to have sex anymore.
Willow :He's just worried about the kid inside you.
Blackfire: You mean little Sergeant Pain here in my belly is the reason I can't have sex!
Batwoman: Well your four months along now, you only have to wait a few more months.
Tara: Shouldn't you know this?
Blackfire: Its my first Pregnancy and I dropped out of sex ed class when I learnt about the pill and the patch. I didn't bother to go into detail when it came to actually getting a baby.
Willow: Wait a second, you named your kid what again?
Blackfire: Sergeant Pain, it was Rage's idea. I liked it. So masculin and sexy, just like him.
Tara: I think your a little sex starved
Blackfire: So I relationship revolves around lust and sexual stimulation. I still love him for his politics and sadistic murderous ways. He killed like seven drug lords a while back...point blank! He also sometimes lets me lead. A few months back we tried out Sadomachoism on each other and-
Willow: That's enough.
Brain: Me and Mallah are trying that first when I get a new body.
Tara: That's it we're leaving.
Batwoman: Yeah you people are sick. Well except you Blackfire, your the most sane person here.
Blackfire: I know
Mallah: Wait, Jynx has some interesting stories to tell.
Jynx: I now know why they call Kid Flash the fastest kid in the world. Little bastard is like done in 30 seconds. Its a good 30 seconds but its over way too fast for me.
Brain: And Starfire of the Teen Titans comic books is going to complain about how Dick Grayson slept with her and then propsed to Barbara Gordon. We're going to bring both woman out and see them fight in the mud with each other!
Tara: What is this? Fucking Jerry Springer?
Brain: Well you are being videotaped.
Batwoman: What! This is suppose to be a private meeting!
Brain: When I rule the world nothing shall be private!
Batwoman: Over my dead fucking lesbian body! (Throws batarang at Brain and Mallah rushes over to him and runs out the door before Batwoman can catch them. Tara and Willow follow them. Blackfire and Jynx only ones left.)
Blackfire: So is Kid Flash really that fast?
Jynx: Its freaking humiliating that I can't get a decent fuck with him. Would it kill him to take it slow?
Blackfire: Here, (Hands Jynx blowup doll) Rage makes me practice on this so I don't lose the edge when he's at work. Next time Kid Flash wants some bed time, be the man of the show.
Jynx: Good Advice. You ever been the man?
Blackfire: One time, Rage didn't mind thought. He said it wouldn't be fair if I always had to be the one to get most of the pleasure. That and he was tired that night.
Jynx: You two really are freaky. don't you ever get tired from all this.
Blackfire: Not at all, he's a real good lover. We even keep a log of everything we do to each other. Wanna see?
Jynx: Oh hell no.
Blackfire: (pulls out black book) Lets see, saturday is shower night. In the morning of course we watch cartoons while we do it. Making love to the sounds of Bugs Bunny rocks. On Fridays nights we usually go out to the middle east and kill some terrorists for fun, maybe some Notrh Koreans if were lucky and do it in the nearest bombed out building. Sometimes Rage likes to use some vibrators while messages me naked. That always makes me drool. Doogie style is on Wednesdays, we always do at elast one of those on Wednesdays. Thursday...
(Jynx gets her cell phone and dials)
Jynx :Kid Flash, I need a pick up...now!
(Yellow blur goes by and Jynx dissapeers)
Balckfires: Every sixth of each month we... Jynx? Thats the fifth person thats been scared away by my black book. I wonder why? Oh well, time to get back home and order the KFC bucket. Rage loves his KFC.
END
(DON'T EXPECT A SEQUEL)