So my friend (Falcon226 on fanfic) came over and we were reading all these spoofs and decided to make our own! We don't mean to offend anybody, so if we do, we're sorry. We're sugar high. So here it is!
Villagers: HOORAY! LET'S RIOT!
Random Villager: Um, what are we rioting?
Other Random Villager: Does it really matter?
Random Villager: HELL NO! I'll go get some pitchforks and torches!
Villagers: HOORAY! You-Know-Who is dead!
Harry Potter: You mean like Voldemort?
Yet ANOTHER Random Villager: Gasp! You said his name! But no, the Wicked Witch of the West you dimwit!
Harry Potter: Oh, that IS good news! LET'S RIOT!
Glinda: Wait! I'm here! Marvel at my beauty and obscenely obnoxious voice! Oh, and you can't forget about my KICK ASS BUBBLE!
Villagers: HOW COULD WE FORGET THE BUBBLE? -die of shame for forgetting the bubble- -come back to life-
Glinda: Well, let's put aside my beauty and discuss the topic of the hour: THE DEATH OF THE WITCH! Who was, ironically, my best friend. I wonder how that works…
Villagers: … Let's pretend we didn't hear that.
Glinda: Sounds good to me. Oh, by the way, she had a mom and dad. You might not of known that even though it's the only way for people to, um, EXHIST in this world.
Villagers: History. GIVE US SOME HISTORY!
Glinda: -rolls eyes- Fine. You want history? Fine. Mom and Dad. Dad- left. Mom- had an affair with the wizard but we don't know that until MUCH later in the play. And you didn't hear that…
Villagers: Well, since we only WORSHIP you Glinda, NO WE DIDN'T!
Glinda: -beams- Oh, yeah, she was also born green and everyone hated her just like now. FLASHBACK TIME!
FLASHBACK
GAlinda: Joyous joys, school. -rolls eyes- Shoot me. I'm only the most popular girl here! Why can't I be more popular? WHY?
Nessa: School! Hooray! Now I can actually have fun!
Elphaba: -pushes all thoughts of assassination out of her mind- Little brat. I'm her SLAVE! I WANT FUN TOO!
Nessa: What was that?
Elphaba: Um, LOVELY WEATHER WE'RE HAVING!
Nessa: Oh Elphie, you're such an optimist!
Galinda: Despite everyone saying you can't judge a book by its cover, I still hate you because you're green and ugly and smart and actually probably very nice and pretty and would give me some competition! SHUN TIME!
Elphaba: You're so hypocritical…I hate you too!
Shiz Students: Look, Galinda's shunning that girl! Shun the frog!
Galinda: Hey, let me tell you the symptoms of my hatred! My face is flushing; my pulse is abnormally fast and the world's spinning.
Elphaba: If anything I've read in cheesy romance novels is right, it sounds like you're in love. I'd protest, but I know that once this thing hits Broadway there'll be countless fanfics where we end up proclaiming our UNDYING love for each other, so I'll leave it.
Doctor Dillamond: Hi, I'm your teacher. I'm a Goat with a capital 'g'. The authors stuck me in here cause they had nowhere else to do it.
Authors: SHUT UP GOAT BOY!
Doctor Dillamond: That's DOCTOR Goat Boy to you!
Elphaba: -obsesses- LIKE, OH MY GOSH, YOU'RE LIKE, MY FAVORITE TEACHER!
Doctor Dillamond: That's…nice, but I don't believe in cross breeding.
Elphaba: I'm green. They call me a frog. Does that count?
Doctor Dillamond: No! Anyway, you have to fall in love with Fiyero or else there won't be any kind of plot drama! And then the show would fail and none of us would get paid.
Leopold Bloom (from The Producers): Actually, you can make more money with a flop then with a hit.
Everyone: WTF!
Leopold Bloom: BLUE BLANKIE! -disappears-
Everyone: Okay then…
Fiyero: I'm SO hott! I give MYSELF an orgy. I'm actually smart, but you wouldn't know that cause I don't do anything. Life's short, SO DO NOTHING WITH IT!
Galinda: Fiyero you're so hott!
Boq: Galinda, even though I'm supposed to be really short but am actually normal sized in the play, I NEED TO CONFESS MY LOVE FOR YOU!
Galinda: Um, ew. Go…make out with Nessa. I'll pay ya twenty bucks!
Boq: Twenty bucks from Miss Galinda? -sighs happily- I'd cherish it forever. ANYTHING FOR YOU!
Nessa: Even though I shouldn't fall so easily because no one EVER loves me I'll be naïve and fall for Boq! -swoons-
Boq: Even though Nessa is probably the best I'll do, I'll continue to swoon over Galinda, cause she's SEXY!
Elphaba: Ooh, big, ugly, black hat that looks like those hats that witches wear in stories! MAJOR FORESHADOWING! I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!
Galinda: I'm bipolar, so now you're my friend! BE POPULAR! EMBRACE THE POPULARITY! BECOME ONE WITH IT!
Elphaba: Um, toss, toss?
Galinda: Good enough.
Baby Lion: I don't want to be saved.
Elphaba: DEAL WITH IT! I NEED TO GET THE HOT GUY!
Fiyero: Did someone say my name?
Elphaba: No.
Fiyero: I'm pretty sure someone said 'hot guy'.
Elphaba: It's not on your birth certificate.
Fiyero: Actually…
Elphaba: Whatever.
Lion: I'm a coward now.
Elphaba: I'm sure something like that won't come back to haunt me.
Lion: MAJOR FORESHADOWING!
Galinda: Oh NO! Doctor Dillamond is gone! Now it's just Glinda.
Elphaba: Oh, Madame Morrible sent us to see the Wizard. It's okay that we left her out until now.
Glinda: Works for me, BEST FRIEND!
Elphaba: Whoa, clingy much?
Emerald City People: The Emerald City isn't actually green, it's the glasses. They're tinted green so it LOOKS green. The Wizard's a cheapskate that way.
Elphaba: Isn't that from the book?
Emerald City People: Um…THE WIZARD WILL SEE YOU NOW!
Wizard: Fear me. Fear me! FEA- oh, hi Elphaba!
Madame Morrible: You have to have awesome powers that you didn't have in the book. Read from this!
Elphaba: Now I'm a Mary Sue. GREAT!
Glinda: Lucky.
Elphaba: Givith wingsi toith thy monkay!
Monkeys: Whoa, we have wings. Wait, we're not supposed to talk. We'll shut up now.
Wizard: Cool. Now you get to know my BIG SECRET! I'm a fraud and I used you!
Elphaba: I hate you and your creepy, parental stalkingness!
Wizard: Drat, now she's going to tell the whole world!
Glinda: Elphie, calm down! STOP PMSING!
Elphaba: NEVER! I HAVE WEIRD CRAVINGS!
Glinda: You're pregnant now?
Elphaba: Nah, that's only in the book.
Liir: I was called?
Elphaba: TIME OUT!
Liir: Meh, fine.
Elphaba: Let's enchant this broom so I can fly! WEEEEEEEEEE!
Glinda: I'm regretting my decision not to go with her. She gets a cool broom and all I get is a bubble! -pouts-
Boq: But it's a sweet bubble!
Glinda: Shut up Biq.
Boq: Biq?
Glinda: Oops, typo. Shut up Boq. The authors of this play make that same mistake so many times!
Audience: I thought it was intentional.
Glinda: I'm not THAT stuck up! Oh, by the way, Fiyero and I are getting married, even though he doesn't know it yet. Isn't that right sweetie?
Fiyero: Wha-? Oh, yeah, sure. Marriage is the way to go. We'll get divorced in a week anyway.
Glinda: Ignore the problems of the world and come celebrate!
Villagers: Hooray!
Fiyero: Wait, I love Elphaba! -mourns-
Glinda: Happiness is overrated!
Cyclone: MORE FORESHADOWING!
Boq: Oh, by the way, I'm the tin man now, even though it's completely wrong from the original story!
Nessa: -is squished-
House: -is doing the squishing-
Elphaba: Stupid little girl. She must be a spy! She took my sister's shoes! What kind of deranged psycho does that?
Glinda: A sweet little girl! Anyway, I'm the one who told her to do that! AND I sent her on a meaningless journey to get back home because she can get back any time she wants!
Elphaba: You're a bitch, do you know that?
Glinda: Yup.
Guards: ARREST THE WICKED ONE!
Fiyero: No! Take me instead!
Elphaba: -gags at sappiness- I…love you too?
Fiyero: Yes! She loves me! Too bad I'm gonna die now. -wink- -wink-
Elphaba: Off to my castle to wait patiently.
Glinda: You mean to torture the little girl?
Elphaba: Ya. Oh, by the way, we're never gonna see each other again. You changed my life.
Glinda: That sucks. Whatever, catch ya later!
Elphaba: Sure. Oh look, that girls coming. Why does she have a bucket of water? AH NO!
Glinda: Oh no! My bestest friend is dead!
Villagers: No one mourns the wicked! Gosh Glinda, BE A ROLEMODEL!
Fiyero: Hey look, I'm a scarecrow!
Elphaba: And I'm still alive!
Fiyero: Now we can be ugly and happy together and have kids that are butt ugly!
Elphaba: How could I 'do it' with a scarecrow?
Fiyero: We'll figure that out later…
Elphaba: Sounds good!
Liir: Now they can make a play about me!
Boq: But you were never in the first one.
Liir: Oh…DAMN!