Disclaimer: I don't own HP or "Gomennasai" by tatu.
If you don't like girl/girl don't read. And if you don't read, don't flame.
A/N: This is a ONESHOT that came to my mind after finishing the "Oxygen" "If Only" and "2nd Chances" series. It has to do with Pansy now that she's married to Malfoy, yet still in love with Hermione. It's a really angsty followup, but I hope you really like it. When I read the lyrics of 'Gomennasai' this ONESHOT came to my head immediately.
I haven't seen her in years, yet here she is, laughing at something Luna is telling her. To her I don't exist anymore, not after I married Draco, but we'd always known that it would end in that, we just never really wanted to accept it would happen so soon. I remember our last night together, I'd never been so happy yet so sad as we sat in the astronomy tower, looking up at the stars in silence, holding hands. I'd told myself that I would never love her, but that night, knowing it would be our last, the truth had hit me like a hex.
It still hurts me.
What I thought wasn't mine
In the light
Was one of a kind,
A precious pearl
When I wanted to cry
I couldn't cause I
Wasn't allowed
I'd married Draco and returned for our last year of school. Crossing her in the hallways without our secret smiles, and seeing her everyday in the classes we shared with Gryffindor had torn at my heart. For her the moment I said 'I do' I'd stopped existing, and had become another Malfoy that was to be detested. Her weasel friend and her came out around the same week, and I had to endure Draco's homophobic comments, knowing that if my husband only knew who my heart yearned for, I would be shunned and mistreated like any house elf.
"I have to admit that though she is a homo mudblood the years haven't been disagreeable with her." Draco announces before taking a sip of his Champaign. We are attending a party thrown in Dumbledore's honor, and since Draco doesn't want anyone to know of his participation in the War on Voldemort's side we were forced to attend this party and mix with those whom he would have killed during the war.
I follow his gaze and nod curtly, yet it's hard for me to look away. She's beautiful, radiant in that blue gown, and the happiness seems to create a halo around her as she holds Cho's hand. They've been the talk of the Wizarding World for years now, yet they've been accepted, just like the youngest Weasel boy and his partner, some frenchie. I've listened to the gossip, and now more than ever, as I watch them laughing, see their looks of love…my blood boils and I down my glass of Champaign.
Seeing them makes me ask myself questions that I've been avoiding for years. What if I had been strong and had accepted her proposition the day I was to leave to marry Draco in Malfoy Manor?
The memory of that day haunts me.
…
"Don't go." Her voice is choppy, and her face is red as she looks at me, rain soaking through her clothes, causing her hair to stick against her face.
"I have no other choice." I tell her, shaking my head and taking a couple of steps back. People would be looking for me soon, and I needed to be far away from Hermione to keep them from suspecting what really happened between us.
"Yes you do." She urged, closing the distance between us, only stopping a breath's distance from me, showing me her hand, eyes begging for me to take it. "Run away with me."
"What?" I gasp, eyes wide. "You can't be serious."
"Why not?" She asks, throwing her hands into the air. "I know that education is important, but you've become important to me as well. I really care for you, Pansy, and I know that you care for me too. I'm asking you to run away with me."
I wipe my face. The rain has grown fiercer. I am completely soaked and my gown ruined. "And where would we go? The Malfoys would never forgive me leaving their son at the altar, especially for you. They'd chase us down and kill us."
"I'll protect you." She outstretches her hand once more, her plea silent yet deafening.
No one had ever said anything like that to me, no one had cared enough, yet I'm too afraid. I'm afraid of what people will say. People like my parents, the Malfoys, society. The Dark Lord. Hermione doesn't seem to care, yet I do. I'm terrified.
"We knew this had to end one of these days. It was one of the conditions."
She winces, and pain crosses her face. "Pansy I--."
"I'm sorry Hermione." I whisper, trying to keep the tears from showing. I turn around and run away, covering my ears when her cry is brought to me by the wind.
Gomennasai for everything
Gomennasai, I know I let you down
Gomennasai till the end
I never needed a friend
Like I do now
What I thought wasn't all
So innocent
Was a delicate doll
Of porcelain
…
Returning to the present when Draco informs me that he will go and greet another Slytherin whom we'd gone to school with and had somehow managed to get into the good side of those of the Light, I nod once more and pass him my empty glass. He doesn't comment on it and leaves me alone, watching her and that oriental fraud. It was amazing how Cho had finally gotten her way. In school she'd literally followed Hermione around like a sick puppy, and she'd finally gotten her.
"Are you feeling alright?" Cho asks as she places a hand on Hermione's shoulder.
"Of course, you worry too much about me." She laughs. "There are just too many people up in here. I need a breath of air."
"Why don't you go to the balcony for a moment, you might see a Satrin. I hear they appear in the sky around this time of the year." Luna announces about one of the many weird magical creatures her magazine, the Quibbler, writes about, and then she frowns. "I should have brought a camera."
Laughing as she shakes her head, Hermione gives Cho a kiss and makes her way through the crowd, waving at certain people whom she'd gone to school with and whom she'd met after graduation. Being the lead journalist for the Quibbler, who had proven the existence of almost all of the weird magical creatures they wrote about, she'd become famous in the Wizarding World.
She disappeared out one of the doors onto the balcony.
Looking around to make sure that no one was watching me I grab another glass of Champaign and make my way to the balcony.
When I make it there I see her standing with her back to me, leaning on the railing, looking up at the stars. Gulping I realize that this is too much like the last night we shared together, and fear fills me, yet I force myself to go next to her and look up at the sky, feigning that I was unaffected by her presence.
"I haven't seen you in a long time."
She jerks in fright and turns to look at me in surprise. For a moment she is quiet, then she returns to leaning on the railing, looking ahead of her. "Our circles don't exactly cross, Lady Malfoy."
I wince at that, but manage to regain composure. "How has life treated you since we—" I almost said 'since we separated'. "graduated from Hogwarts?"
"Good. I've been blessed." A small smile appears on her face. I knew that smile, it appeared whenever she was thinking about something that made her very happy. "I've moved in with Cho, and my job at the Quibbler has been entertaining. I've managed to have both of my passions, I'm lucky that I didn't have to compromise, love or job." She seems to suddenly remember who I am, what we've had, and she clears her throat. "And how has life treated you?"
"I am married to one of the most influential men in the wizarding world, and I am the Lady of the purest dynasty." To most that would sound as if I am in the pinnacle of life, that I was the most blessed of women, yet not for the first time it sounds as empty as it feels. "I cannot complain after being bestowed with such privileges."
"I'm happy for you then." She doesn't sound hurt or angry or even slightly resentful, and I resent that. She turns and smiles to me friendly, as she would some old friend. "I always wondered how you were, and I'm glad to finally be sure that you made the right choice and have what you always wanted."
I just barely keep myself from snorting. What I always wanted had been her, yet in the end I'd been too cowardly to take the chance she was offering us. I chose to live a secure life of misery than to live a more dangerous life of happiness and love, with her.
I won't tear my eyes from the stars and I take a long sip of the Champaign. "I guess we all get what we deserve in the end."
"I don't think so." She says mysteriously before sighing dreamily. "I never deserved Cho. I don't know why she stayed in love with me for all those years and then came back for me. But I'm glad she did. I've never been so happy."
That stabs me in my heart yet I manage to look indifferent. "I'm glad that things have worked out for you too."
"And I'm glad that you came to talk with me." She announces genuinely. "I always hated how we—how we parted. Maybe, now that the war is over and all feelings between us have gone, we can be friends."
Friends? My heart hurts. Had she really stopped feeling anything for me? "My husband would never allow it."
When I wanted to call you
And ask you for help
I stopped myself
Gomennasai for everything
Gomennasai, I know I let you down
Gomennasai till the end
I never needed a friend
Like I do now
Her smile fades slightly, and then it brightens as she smirks. "He always was a pain in the ass."
She had no idea.
"I saw him the other day." She announces, catching my attention. Draco hadn't told me about seeing her, I would have remembered if he had. "He came to the Quibbler of all places, would you believe that he wants to buy some of the assets? Luna was so dumbstruck that she couldn't talk the whole day—and that's something."
I narrow my eyes and turn to look at her. Draco usually mentioned these things to me, yet he'd been silent lately, and now this meant that something was up. Why would he want to become part owner of the Quibbler? The magazine he couldn't help but criticize every time he passed somewhere that was selling them?
"Was even decent with me." She comments with a snort. "I don't know what you've done with him, but whatever it is keep it up. I'd never had a 'Hello Granger, how are you doing?' before from him. I nearly had a heart attack."
Something was definitely up.
Silence reigns between us as she looks up at the skies. Then, turning to me once more, she tilts her head to the side. "Cho's a worrywart and if I stay out here any longer she'll think I fainted and fell over the railing so I better be going. But it was nice seeing you again."
She turns to leave and for a moment I realize what she must have felt the day I ran away from her. I knew that the moment she entered the room that things would return to the way it had been before, and I would probably never have the opportunity to speak to her again.
"Hermione." Does my voice sound that desperate?
"Yes?" She asks, turning around with a little frown on her face as her eyes rest on mine. "Are you okay?"
I want to tell her that nothing in my life had been 'okay' since the day I'd turned my back on her and married Draco. I want to tell her that I still love her, that I think of her every day, and dream of her at night. I want to tell her that if I could turn back time I would do things differently, and even if I mightn't have survived the Malfoy's wrath, I would have run away with her happily.
But that doesn't come out of my lips.
"I'm glad that we talked as well."
She smiles once more, and with a little wave she waltzes into the room and I watch as she goes up to Cho and gives her another kiss, laughing at something Ginny and Luna are fighting about.
Seeing her so happy breaks my heart, because I could have been happy too…if only I'd taken her hand.
What I thought was a dream
A mirage
Was as real as it seemed
A privilege
When I wanted to tell you
I made a mistake
I walked away
Gomennasai, for everything
Gomennasai, Gomennasai,
I never needed a friend,
Like I do now
Shaking my head I throw my empty glass over the railing and enter the room with all the dignity that Lady Malfoy must possess. I nod in the direction of some of Draco's groveling friends while looking for my husband. I'm not feeling well, I want to go to the Manor. Seeing her again has upset me too much to keep up this farce.
Seeing him over in the corner with Blaise Zabini I make my way, yet stop and hide behind one of the plants when I hear her name on his lips.
"She's lesbian, Draco." Blaise announces with a raised eyebrow. "Do you really think that despite that little fact, plus the other fact that you made her life miserable in school, that you're going to be able to win her over? And I'm sure that you haven't forgotten that she'd not pureblooded."
"Elementary, Zabini." Draco chuckles. "Lovegood wants to branch out and start another magazine and I have the funds. We're the perfect business partners, and when I'm the boss, Granger will have no other choice but to be nice to me. In time she'll be mine. She only turned lesbian because the only men around her were faggots. And now that the war is over blood doesn't count any more—power does—and everyone knows that her magic is powerful."
There is some silence. "What about Pansy?"
"Sometimes I think you're in love with her." Draco announces with laughter before downing his fire whisky. "You know better than anyone that it's a marriage of convenience, I don't love her and she definitely doesn't love me. I wouldn't even keep her from having a lover if she's discreet about it and doesn't allow it to keep her from doing her duties as wife and Lady Malfoy by having a Malfoy heir. My parents survived their marriage the same way."
"So you're really planning on trying to court Granger? Because she seems rather happy with Chang there." Blaise points out.
"Who can resist the Malfoy charm?" Draco asks and then both of them give way to dark chuckles.
Rushing away I return to the balcony and look up at the skies. Tears fall down ashen cheeks as my body trembles. What had I gained with my decisions? I was respected by the community yet not even my husband had a little speck of love for me. The way he talked of me was as if he was talking of some annoying slave girl that he had to put up with to be able to bare his precious little heir. That's all I was good for to him…to bare the next pompous, arrogant Malfoy.
Leaning against the railing I give way to sobs, cursing the day I'd allowed my cowardice to eternally separate me from my only chance of happiness.
Gomennasai, I let you down
Gomennasai, Gomennasai, Gomennasai,
Gomennasai till the end
I never needed a friend
Like I do now
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Hey everyone! I hope that you liked it! Would you leave me a little review? I've been feeling down lately, a little sick, and I know that you're reviews would make me feel better!