(insert witty disclaimer here)

A/N I wrote this at three in the morning. It's got to be the worst piece of crap I've ever written. How ever, I was getting sick of the whole Harry Potter fanfiction business and decided to make fun of it.

Also, I'm American. I'm not going to pretend that I know how to make characters in my story have English accents. So If I write anything that sounds even remotely American, pretend it wasn't even there, okay?

Finally, I would like to say sorry to anyone I will or have offended. Offending people is something that I do.

Cheerio!

xxMexx

Harry hated fanfictions. The angsty, love stories, the action adventures, even the CRACK! fics.

Unfortunately, he was a character and couldn't do much about it.

Harry sat down on one of the old worn out chairs in the Gryffindor common room, worn out. It had been a long day of fanfictions. His proper writer, Mrs. Rowling, had had severe writers block. So he was stuck with the teenage girls (and sometimes boys!) fantasies.

Right now was his most likely only break time, where the authors of those horrible stories were too preoccupied with Hermione /Draco fics to remember him. Ah, it was hard being a main character. It was hard being any character really. Why, Zambini had only three lines in the original books, and he had his own category!

He stretched out, yawning. Suddenly, there was a POP! And Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger appeared in the middle of the room, looking disgruntled. Ron's ears were bright red.

"What happened this time?" Harry asked, bored. "Another Ron/Hermione fic?

"Worse, Harry." Hermione said, flopping down on another chair. "It was a three way one with me having to decide over Ron and Malfoy."

Harry made a face. "What is it with teenagers and their love stories?"

"Harry" Hermione said patiently. "Teenagers have hormones. They need a release for their hormones. And we are the release."

Ron just stood there, massaging his neck. He gave a look to them that said, 'I'm going to bed' and trudged up to the boy's dormitories.

Harry rolled his eyes.

"Harry" Hermione said tentatively, "I'm worried about you. You haven't said barely three sentences after yesterday."

Harry groaned, remembering the horrible incident the day before. "It was a porn without a plot one. VERY descriptive. And it was with Godric Gryffindor. I think I'm going to be emotionally scarred."

"Don't worry about it." Hermione replied. "It's just-"

Suddenly, she was cut off by a voice saying from the clouds;
"Think it's time to go work on my fanfiction."

Then, the Gryffindor common room faded from view. The great hall came into focus, filled with students. Harry, Ron, and Hermione were sitting by each other on a bench by the Gryffindor table. Their hands and feet were tied by string like marionettes. They groaned. The golden trios were stuck in another teenage relief session.

Harry heard the Authors voice rumble from the heavens. "Like yeah!" The ridiculously bubbly teenage girl giggled. "So, I am HarryPotterfreakwitharidiculoslylongname! I decided to make a fanfiction about how Harry Potter and Ron and Hermione meet a Canadian witch that makes them all fall in love with her! So Hermione is a lesbian now! Yay!"

Hermione sighed.

"Okay, so Harry, you say, I don't know why Dumbledore called us to assembly."

"Idon'tknowwhyDumbledorecalledustoassembly." Harry said, gritting his teeth.

"Oh, no. Too fast. Say it slower." HarryPotterfreakwithridicuslylongname corrected.

"I. Don't. know. Why. Dumbledore. Called. Us. To. Assembly." He said, as slow as he could say it.

"Okay, fine." The author grumbled. "Then 'Mione, you say, I think there is going to be a new student."

"MY name is NOT 'Mione." Hermione corrected. "It's Hermione."

"Just SAY it."

Hermione, not wanting to argue, obediently said, "I think there's going to be a new student."

Suddenly, Albus Dumbledore appeared at the middle of the staff table. "Albus, you announce there's going to be a new student called Kiera. She's going to be from Canada. And amazingly gorgeous.'

Dumbledore blinked his wise old eyes. "But wouldn't there be a wizard school in Canada?"

"Don't ask stupid questions, just say it!" The writer snapped. "You know what? I'm getting sick of this crap. I'm just going to force you."

Harrypotterfreakwithridicuslylongname suddenly soared down from the clouds into the great hall. She wore glasses, had a lot of acne, and was wearing pajamas that said 'Padfoot is my homedog!'

"Now!" She giggled. "I can force you with my fanfiction magic wand!" Harrypotterfreakwithridicuslylongname drew from her pajamas a long stick that looked very much like a pencil. "Dumbledore, say it!" She demanded.

Dumbledore suddenly found himself saying the script.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione looked at one another, shocked. No one had had a magical fanfiction wand before!

"Now, let's introduce my new character, Kiera!" Harrypotterfreakwithridicuslylongname yelled.

The great halls doors opened with a BANG. A gorgeous blond strode through the hall. Students everywhere looked around at her. Everyone, even the girls who were straight and didn't want to, felt strangely attracted to her.

"Yay! It works!" Harrypotterfreakwithridicuslylongname squealed, clapping her hands.

"Look, Harrypotterfreak-" Harry started.

"Please, call me Jesse, Harry dear."

"Uh…Jesse. Where did you get the magic wand?"

"Oh." Jesse glared at her writing tool. "I don't know. It probably comes from being an awesome original author. And don't try to flirt with me-" At this point she batted her eyes flirtatiously- "I'm totally in love with Sirius. And Ron."

Ron, who had been trying to scarf down all the imaginary food, looked up. He rather looked like a deer caught in the headlights of a car.

"OmigoditsRupertGrint!" Jesse cleverly projected herself onto the Gryffindor table right in front of Ron and tackled him. Ron yelped, "Bloody Hell!" The crazed phangirl started kissing him all over. All the other imprisoned students including Harry, stood up from their spots on the table, shouting "Fans! Fans! Fans!" What a friend.

Hermione grabbed onto Jesse's arm and shouted, "Let go of Ronald, you evil, vicious pig!" But Jesse, due to her almighty fanfiction powers, shook her off and sent Hermione flying, resulting in Hermione hitting Draco Malfoy, (who had no lines yet) right in the groin. "Effing Mud blood." Malfoy groaned, and sank to the floor.

Jesse continued kissing Ron through this scenario, causing him to scream very loudly. Harry, like all the rest of the students, just stood there and watched.

Ron, who was under the torture of Jesse, noticed that she had her fanfiction magic pencil while she was trying to snog him. He grabbed it from her hand, managing to throw her off him in the process. He got up, panting, while she lay on the floor of the great hall.

The rest of the students stood around her in a circle, so she couldn't escape. "Let me go, Hot Hogwarts students!" She gasped.

Ron fumbled with the pencil/ wand, finding a breaking point in it and snapping it in half. The snap echoed loudly in the Hall, making all noise stop. The only thing you could hear was Jesse's loud breathing. "You…You…" She stuttered.

All of a sudden, there was a loud CRACK and Jesse disappeared, along with the fragments of the magic fanfiction wand. Ron Weasley had destroyed the most important kind of fanfiction- The Mary Sues.

Everyone in Hogwarts could hear the screams of the Mary Sue writers from the clouds. "Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Their regime was over.

Hermione stood up from where she had lay from hitting Draco Malfoy. "We have destroyed the Mary Sues!" She yelled.

"WOOOOO!" Everyone else yelled back, celebrating.

There was another loud crack, and Harry and the crew were back in the Gryffindor common room.

"Harry…" Hermione said, flopping down on a couch. "You do know we figured out how to defeat one part of fanfiction? WE might be able to destroy fanfiction itself!"

Harry looked up, smiling at her. "We just might."

-Meanwhile, at any fanfiction Harry Potter addicts house-

"What the heck? How come half of the stories are missing?"

A/N This is possibly the worst story I have ever written. If people like it, I MIGHT continue, depending on my interest level and dealing with the other stories that I'm writing at the time.

Flames are welcome!