Disclaimer: I don't own 7th Heaven

I stared at myself in the mirror one last time. I smoothed my plain black dress along my body. It had been a week since the attack. Everywhere I looked I thought of that day. Every minute, every second of every day. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't erase the pain. But I hadn't cried. Not once since Robbie raped me.

"Ruthie," I heard from behind me. I turned to see Lenny standing in the door way. He was dressed in a black suit.

"The cars here," he said quietly. I nodded, grabbed my things and walked out of the room.

The Ride to the church seemed to take forever. The car was silent. No one really knew what to say. Lenny even shed a few tears when I told him the news five days ago. Tuesday afternoon I was waiting in the police station with Martin when I heard. They had found Roana's body in a construction area near the apartment building. Police assumed Robbie had walked in not expecting Roana to be there. Knowing Roana she probably pulled a knife on him, she did that a few times before when I had snuck in the house late after a night of partying and drinking and thought i was a burglar. She was killed with a bullet to the head. The apartment surveillance had seen Robbie come through the Lobby carrying one of my huge suit cases which was found near the body. My entire world was shattering into a million pieces before my eyes and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I felt a head leaning on my side, I turned to see Denny sitting beside me. He had taken the news of Roana pretty badly. He was only six years old, he didn't understand how this could have happened.

I put my hand on the other side of his cheek and kissed the top of his head as I felt one of his hands grip my own.

Once the service started I could feel the tears coming all over again. When the minister called me up to speak I walked up to the front of the church with a piece of crumpled up paper in my hands.

"Nadie es perfecto. Nobody is perfect. That's what Roana always used to tell me. Every time I was dieting, every time I asked her about the outfit I was wearing that's was she would say. Some people may ask themselves how could I possibly be hear mourning over my house keeper? Well, to me, Roana was far more than just a house keeper she was friend, one of the best friends I have ever had. No matter what the story was about she would listen to me ramble on about just about anything, from a photo shoot I had just been at or how the hair dresser had done my hair wrong once again. She was one of the most amazing women that I have met. Everyone who ever met Roana can agree that she was the kind of woman that could make you laugh when you were sobbing. Walking in after a long day of work and not finding Roana singing some american rap song in spanish will be one of the many things I will miss about her. She died so tragically that..." I stopped, I could feel me start to lose my voice. This was all my fault. Me being raped, Roana dying all of it was my fault. If I would have just let Martin get married to Lana like he was supposed to do then I wouldn't have gone over to their house, I wouldn't have stopped at the bar, I wouldn't have run into Robbie, I wouldn't have had sex with Robbie, Robbie wouldn't have been left with my purse, he wouldn't have broken into my house and he wouldn't have killed Roana and raped me. Everything was my fault.

As the funeral service came to an end I tried to calm myself enough to make it back home. At the moment I was staying with Lenny, but I was planning on moving soon far away from New York. To where, I don't know yet but being in the city is too much for me at the moment my life took a drastic U turn when I ran into Martin however many months ago, which caused me to slam the breaks on my entire life.

Two people had died in that small apartment. Yes, you saw it right. Two. Robbie was shot and killed when Martin attempted to grab the gun out of his hands. The gun was discharged and it struck Robbie in the chest, killing him instantly.

The moment we arrived back at Lenny's house I ran to the guest room where I was staying, ripped off the black and slipped into a pair of sweat pants. I walked over to the bed and slipped my body in between the layers of sheets. I closed my eyes trying to forget everything. God, you do not know how bad I wanted my alarm clock to go off right now, telling me it was all a dream, that nothing like this ever happened. I wanted to wake up with my head pounding from a hangover. I wanted none of this to be real. As I peeled my eyelids back I saw that I was still in Lenny's guest room. So, I guess this was real after all.

I laid there in that bed for God knows how many hours, doing nothing at all when I heard a knock at the door.

"Ya?" I said not taking my eyes off the ceiling. I heard the door squeak open. I tilted my head to see who it was.

"Martin?" I said surprised.

"Ya, hey," Martin said as he walked into the small room, closing the door behind him.

"Hey," I said quietly as I pushed my self up in bed. I hadn't seen him since the day he found me in my apartment six days ago.

"How you feeling?" Martin asked as he walked a little further into the room. I sighed.

"...numb," I said quietly. He gave me curious look.

"I've cried so much lately that I've just been emotionless," I said. Martin sighed and nodded. Silence fell over the room. The awkwardness between us stopped all the words that were lingering behind our lips as we let the silence over come us.

"Ruthie..." Martin said after what was probably a minute or so, but to me seemed like eternity.

"Hm?" I asked looking up at him.

"This probably isn't a good time to tell you but..." he stopped trying to put together his thought.

"tell me what?" I asked him.

"Lana left," Martin said as he dug his hands into his jeans pocket.

"What do you mean she left?" I asked him plainly.

"I mean she left, she ran off with some guy, she left me note and now, she's gone," Martin said as he sat on the edge of the bed. This news should be making me happy but now, it didn't faze me. Love didn't exist and I knew it. Love is some big myth that will cause you to do crazy things that end up shattering your entire life and way of living. It screws up everything and it digs a whole in your heart that can never be refilled it comes into your life, steals your sanity and then tears your entire world apart before you even get a chance to blink.

"Oh," I said to Martin after he had finished telling me the news. The silence fell over the room again.

"Martin?" I asked finally.

"ya?" he said turning and looking at me.

"Can you promise me something?" I asked him.

"Sure," Martin said.

"If anything ever happens to me can yo take care of Denny?" I asked. At this moment I didn't know why I asked him I didn't know whether I was scared of something happening to me like what happened to Roana or whether in the back of my mind there was some thought of me taking my own life, I didn't know.

"What?" Martin asked eye brows raised.

"Just promise," I said looking him straight in the eye.

"okay, I promise," Martin said.

"All of this is my fault," I said suddenly.

"Ruthie no it's no..." he said. But I cut him off. I never told him about how Robbie got the keys to my house.

"Yes it is," I said not daring to look over at Robbie.

"I HAD SEX WITH HIM!" I finally yelled as I looked Martin in the eye.

"What?" he said confused.

"Martin I got drunk the day after you told me Lana was pregnant I went to bar, met him and then had sex with him, leaving my purse keys and car with him, all of this is my fault Roana dying Robbie dying, all of it,"

"Ruthie, you can't do this to yourself," Martin said as he moved closer to me on the bed.

"But it's true," I sighed. I felt a hand brush up against my cheek. I glanced up and came face to face with Martin.

"I'm sorry," I whispered as the dam that I had been trying to build to hide my emotions finally broke as Martin cupped my face in his hands. Martin brought my face closer to his and kissed my forehead and pulling my body closer to his until I was wrapped in his warm embrace as the tears started to flow from my eyes.

A/N: I know this chapter was horrible but I am honestly running out of ideas for this story! I'm totally stuck on how I should end it. But it will definitely be ending within the nest chapter or two. Please tell me what you thought.