A/N: Well, my muse decided to kick me out of bed and conduct a literary experiment. I'm a part of the Reffie community at LJ and for every two weeks, they're holding a writing challenge. The first challenge was Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover and I wanted to write something more aimed towards Reno's actions than Yuffie's. I got five of my closest guy friends to write ten tips each that they would give to a friend who was trying to break up with his girlfriend. I took the most reoccuring themes and turned them into numberd tips: they're really is no numbered list! Well, that's my reasoning for this ficlet and I hope you enjoy.
Disclaimer: I don't FFVII or a car.
Early
Graves:
Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover
Tip #16: Always Make Her The First One To Know
Reno dragged out the last of his nice, top-brand suitcases to the foyer, his breath hitched with the effort. The cramped apartment that he and Yuffie had shared for almost a year was bathed in the white sun, and Reno blinked in the sudden brightness of it. He could hear Yuffie brushing her teeth in the near-by bathroom, and he glances at his watch for the fifth time in the past two minutes.
"Goddamn it, Yuff, we have to go now!"
Reno heard the squeak of the faucet as she turned the water off and the clank of her toothbrush hitting the counter.
"Shut up," she replied simply, breezing through the narrow hallway and into the bedroom, "I have to change real quick!"
Reno groaned yet again and leaned against the door.
"We're going to be late!" he shouted, his voice laced with annoyance.
Yuffie appeared yet again in the hallway in a simple purple tank top and a khaki skirt.
"Reno?"
The red-headed young man looked up from flicking his lighter, eyes falling on his girlfriend-type-deal. According to her, anyway.
"What?" he asked irritably, straightening his posture.
Yuffie grinned and lifted up her shirt, revealing her patterned bra.
Reno blinked in surprise as the young woman proceeded to giggle in delight, grab a suitcase and was out of the door. He shook his head at her antics, grabbed the rest of the suitcases (of course she had grabbed the lightest one), and followed suit.
"You're going to put me in an early grave," Reno stated resolutely as they reached the end of the apartment hallway, punching in the correct elevator key.
Yuffie giggled in reply.
"You seemed irritated," she countered, helping Reno drag his allotted suitcases into the elevator car (they were hers, after all), "I thought it would help."
Reno grabbed for her waist and pressed hot kisses along her jaw.
"Like I said," he growled as he shoved her up against the elevator wall, "you're going to put me in an early grave."
Yuffie's breathing quickened as her hands began to wander.
"Y'know," she began breathlessly, hands fumbling over Reno's belt, "we wouldn't have been in this position if someone hadn't rolled over on me at seven in the morning, insisting that we had time!"
Reno scoffed against her neck as his hands slid under her shirt over slight breasts.
"Well, I wasn't thinking clearly, Princess," he nibbled at her ear, "I forgot it takes you three hours to get ready."
Yuffie laughed triumphantly as the belt came free.
"More like an hour," she countered playfully, unbuttoning his pants, "and it would have been quicker if you would have left whip cream out of the whole mess."
Reno chuckled against the hollow of her throat.
"Yeah, well, I remember the shower after chocolate syrup being quicker." He replied, hands shoving their way past the elastic waistband of her khaki shorts.
"That's because," Yuffie retorted, fingers tracing patterns on his lower stomach, "you were in it with me and kept insisting on drying off and getting on the kitchen table!"
Reno snorted.
"But it's such a nice kitchen table," he responded, fingers sliding easily into her, "and you looked so sexy on it."
Yuffie gasped.
"You said I looked fat." She managed, breaths increasing.
Reno nodded and pressed into her deeper, eliciting a longing moan.
"You are. But you're a sexy fat person."
"Well, if I'm fat, then maybe you should break up with me." She whimpered; his skin hot against her own.
"Did you hear the sexy part or do I actually have to compliment you?" Reno groaned, her hand finally slipping down into his pants.
"Um, excuse me?"
The couple whirled around in surprise, two sets of surprised and slightly embarrassed eyes landing on an older looking woman.
"Sorry," the woman apologized quickly, shifting her shopping bag on her hip, "but I need to get to my flat."
The pair blinked in tandem. Yuffie handed Reno his belt. Reno withdrew own hand form under her shirt and the other from in her pants.
When the lady had taken the elevator back up and they had walked out of the lobby, Reno frowned at Yuffie.
"You're going to put me in an early grave." He repeated, eyes narrowed at the fat, sexy, girlfriend-type-deal-according-to-her-anyway young woman before him.
The girl grinned youthfully at him while she hailed a nearby cab.
"Don't I know it!" she replied cheekily, artfully slipping through the opened door.
It was only after he had finished grinning at her that he realized she had left him to carry all the suitcases to the trunk.
o.o.o
Tip # 27: Get Her to See Your Point of View
"I want you to quit smoking."
Reno's eyes fluttered open in surprise, the silhouette of Yuffie filling up his early morning vision.
"What?" he questioned, face contorted in confusion.
Yuffie sighed, pulling aside the window curtains and staring out at the snow that was blanketing the city. She walked back to the edge of the bed, perching herself neatly against his bony hip.
"I want you to quit smoking." She repeated; her lavender eyes clouded.
Reno sighed in irritation, raked a hand through his hair, and pulled himself into sitting against the headboard.
"Why?"
Yuffie looked at her hands.
"It's bad for you." She replied simply.
Reno shook his head, and grabbed her chin.
"I've been smoking the whole time we've been dating, Yuff. I gave up the bar every night-"
"Reno, you still go every week."
"-which is a major improvement! Anyway, I wasn't a one-woman man until you came along! I'm even playing house with you!"
Yuffie sighed yet again and mumbled into her hands.
Reno frowned at her odd behavior.
"Yuffie?" he asked, pulling her shoulders up and turning her towards him.
Yuffie continued to avoid his gaze.
"What did you say?" he prodded, bending his neck so he could get a look at her face.
"Nothing." She muttered.
Reno snorted.
"Gawds, Yuff, would you quit being so goddamn dramatic! Quit being such a child and tell me what you said!"
Yuffie looked up angrily.
"I'm not being dramatic! I'm just saying you should stop! It's not good for you! You're going to kill yourself!" she countered, her hands curling into frustrated balls that landed on her hips.
"No," Reno shouted back, swinging his legs over the opposite side of the bed, "You're going to kill me! You're going to put me in an early grave!"
Reno threw the sheets aside and made for the bathroom.
"I don't know what more you want," he called from the narrow hallway, "I've been all but trained. Just because your old man's gotten sick-"
Reno dropped his toothbrush in realization. Godo was sick. Yuffie didn't want him to die, but the doctors said he was going to. He smacked his forehead, squared his shoulders, and berated the image of the asshole that was reflected back at him from the bathroom mirror.
He crept back through the hallway, the cold air prickling the hairs on his arms and chest.
She still sat at the edge of the bed, eyes trained on the quiet snow that fluttered down through the window. She looked so small then, amidst the snow and the bed of tangled sheets, clutching at the doctor's letter and a pack of Reno's cigarettes. He sighed to himself and sat beside her silently. He reached for her small hand and gripped it tightly.
"I'm not going to quit smoking anytime soon." He said, the words hanging in the air.
Yuffie nodded.
"I will still drink heavily." He continued, turning his head to face her.
"But I will always be here, whether I'm drunk off my ass or coughing up a black lung." He ended, sliding a finger gently underneath her chin.
Yuffie's eyes met his.
"You're going to die if you don't stop." She stated unhappily, eyes falling again.
Reno jerked at her chin and forced her to look up at him again.
"Yeah, I know, I know. But I don't look half as cool without a cigarette dangling from my pouty lips!" He replied, a crooked smirk hanging off his features.
"Cause I'd so break up with you for not looking cool." Yuffie said, rolling her eyes yet again.
Reno shrugged.
"You should break up with me: I'm a hazard to your health."
Yuffie giggled, chucking a nearby pillow at him. He responded by grabbing her lithe form, falling onto the bed, and pulling her atop him. He positioned himself to where their noses were touching, and when her eyes met his, he smiled.
"You get what I'm tryin' to say, Kid?" he asked softly, hands traveling slowly along the dip of her back.
Yuffie nodded.
"Yeah, I get it." She replied just as softly as she tangled her hands in his wild hair.
And even in the romance of the moment, where images fade around the edges, Reno couldn't stifle the chuckle at Yuffie's inability to bite back the word "Geezer" as she nibbled at his ear.
o.o.o
Tip #48: Don't Change Your Mind
"Yuffie, we need to talk."
The orchestral music tinkled in the background as the glow of candles bathes the restaurant in a soft glow. The pair had decided to go out for the evening, and had made reservations at Yuffie's favorite restaurant: an up-scale traditional place that demanded tight cocktail dresses and pressed suits.
Reno fidgeted as his girlfriend looked up uncomfortably.
"W-why?" she asked hesitantly, her hair piled stylishly on her hands, the dusting of make-up bringing out the color of her eyes and highlighting her cat-like features.
Reno cleared his throat uncomfortably as he played with his soup.
"You're the head of Wutai." He stated; his eyes on his spoon.
Yuffie simply nodded.
"Yes…?"
"I'm a Turk."
Yuffie frowned.
"Ex-Turk."
Reno frowned as well.
"A Turk all the same."
"Reno…"
The fiery-haired man dropped his spoon, eyes cold.
"Let me finish, Yuffie."
The girl sighed dejectedly.
"I'm not…suitable for you." He forced out, the words lumpy and painful in his throat.
Yuffie glanced up at him, confused.
"What's that supposed to mean?" she demanded, her hands gripping at her starch white napkin.
Reno forced himself to look at anything but her.
"It means I think we should call it quits. Now that Godo's kicked the can, you got a country to take care of. And I'm no King. Dealing with all that shit would put me in an early grave."
A silence descended upon the pair as his words sunk in.
"You're right," Yuffie began bitterly; "you're not suitable for me. You're low-life scum. I have the world at my feet and you have absolutely nothing."
Reno flinched at her words and the rise of her voice.
"You aren't rich or smart or charming! You drink and you smoke and you swear and you check out other girls when you think I'm not looking, you know you do!"
Reno glared up at her.
"I have never looked at another girl since I've been with you," his face flushing, "I've been loyal!"
Yuffie scoffed, pushing her chair back and standing. She ignored the quiet stares and dying down of dim noises in deference to their argument.
"Loyal my ass! You're a Turk! You're nothing but scum! I don't even know what I saw in you!" she screamed, her words harsh.
She threw her pearl bag down on the table and made for the exit. Reno grabbed for her shoulder, confused at the rush of words and accusations that flew his way, and pulled her towards him. He searched and probed at her face with his eyes, bewildered at her instantaneous reactions – he had thought it would have been more civil than this! Hell, he had expected her to argue with him, not agree with him.
"I didn't cheat," he maintained angrily, his eyes pleading for her confidence, "why would I have cheated when I had you?"
The words enveloped around the pair and forced Yuffie to drop her act, cupping his cheek gently with her hand.
"And why would I want someone charming and dull when I can have you?" she countered, eyes soft.
Reno blinked and then frowned.
"Huh?"
Yuffie smiled a small smile.
"You idiot," she responded, pulling him into a tight hug, "I don't care what you are. I love you. You love me; don't deny it. I don't want a good guy: good guys aren't clever enough to keep Wutai above water and I can't do this by myself."
Reno gazed down at her silently.
"Besides," she continued airily, throwing down money on the table for their unfinished dinner and dragging him towards the door, "I'm late and there's no way in hell you're getting off that easy."
Reno dug his heels into the soft ground as the made their way towards the parking lot.
"Wait, wait, wait, you're pregnant?" he asked, bewildered.
Yuffie rolled her eyes.
"Yes, Reno I'm pregnant even though I'm on the pill and we use a condom every time."
Reno blinked again.
"So you are or you aren't?" he repeated slowly, refusing to move.
"No, Reno, I'm not pregnant! Remember how I have my coronation ceremony tonight? You know: the reason why we went to dinner tonight? Well, we're going to be late if we don't run home and get you changed right now!"
Reno sighed in relief…until he realized the horrible fact.
"I'm going to have to wear another tie, aren't I?"
Yuffie grinned cheerfully at him, yanking him towards the car.
"You already agreed to be my escort; can't change your mind now!" she trilled, falling into the soft leather seat of the limousine provided for the pair.
The young man glanced down at her and smiled oddly.
"You know what?" he asked, as he rearranged himself to accommodate her head resting on his shoulder.
"Hmm?" she sighed softly, gripping at his arm.
"I really was going to leave you." He stated, pressing a kiss to her forehead.
Yuffie punched at his arm, but didn't move her head.
"Well then, you suck at breaking up with me: quit trying to. Besides, it's not like you can find a girl as fat and sexy as me!"
And as he encircled his arm around her thin shoulders, he sighed in resignation. Not only was she right, but he was going to have to wear an ugly tie.
o.o.o
A/N: As always, please, please review! Feedback is a Drug.