Title: Breakdown
By: Cella
Rating: High R
Summary:He had faith in me, faith that I would have faith in him surviving the battle, and here I am, talking about goodbyes.
Ship: H/Hr
A/N: For goldydollar who wanted Harry to lose his virginity before he went and got himself dead.

Breakdown

There's a scarf around my neck, and it's choking me to death.

He's burning. He's fire.

It doesn't hurt me. I just never want him to let go.

But in the morning he'll be gone.

We knew this would happen in the end. In the end, when we'd finish destroying the Horcruxes, he'd leave to finish his mission in life. I knew he'd leave us (leave me) and leave to kill his enemy. I just never thought he'd want to leave without telling us.

I step into his room, and he stops pacing around his bed, turning to look at me.

"Harry," I start, wanting to tell him so many things. (Things like "I love you", like "Please don't go" or "Please don't go and die".)

"Don't. Hermione, don't," he chokes out, turning his back to me, harshly.

I feel cold, and it's not because it's winter. There's a scarf around my neck, it's just that cold in the abandoned childhood house of Harry Potter. But when he turns away from me, my heart freezes.

"I have to do it, Hermione," he whispers, his head bowed down.

"I know," I whisper back, taking a few steps until I'm behind him. "I just thought…I just hoped you wouldn't leave without saying…"

"Goodbye?" he sneers.

He's mad with me, I think. He had faith in me, faith that I would have faith in him surviving the battle, and here I am, talking about goodbyes. "It's just that…"

"Just that I might die?" he laughs cruelly, and turns around to face me. "Say it, Hermione."

I shake my head, and gasp when he grabs my shoulders.

"Say it, Hermione, say it."

My eyes are filling up with tears, but I don't want to give him satisfaction, I want to give him the hope that he'll live. He pushes me, and we end up falling on his bed, a mix of arms and legs, hair, clothes and fear.

"Say it, Granger," he growls in my ear, squeezing my shoulders harder.

"No," I choke out, a few rebel tears managing to escape my eyes. ("Come back," I want to tell them.)

"Hermione," he whispers, pulling back and bringing his hand to rest against my cheek. "Please," he begs, and I give in.

"I know that you might die. But it'd kill me too, if you'd die, Harry." It would kill me, because I love him too much to let him go.

"I don't want to die," he whispers, his forehead coming to rest against my neck. His scar is burning and his eyes are filled with tears. It's a mixture of hot and cold that runs against my neck, making me shiver, making me break.

"I don't want you to die," I croak out, a sob escaping my lips. "I don't want you to leave, Harry." I hug him, and he tightens his arms around me, so tight it makes me cry even harder, because I can feel how broken he is.

"I need you," I whisper in his hair.

"I want you," I whisper, my lips brushing against his ear.

"I love you," I whisper, my lips covering his in scorching embraces.

There's a scarf against my neck, and he's choking me with it.

It's the only piece of clothing he leaves on me, only the winter scarf. I'm naked and vulnerable against his gaze, and he pulls at my scarf, hurting me, his eyes glowing with this darker side of Harry I've never yet met. It's slow and torturous, our breaths the only sound in the room. I feel like we're in slow motion, and it makes it all so very painful, and painless at the same time.

In the end, he falls over, and I catch him against my chest. The scarf is the only barrier between his skin and mine, but he removes it just before I go to sleep.

"I love you," he murmurs, kissing me softly again, his tears mingling with mine.

The next morning when I wake up, he's gone, and he took my scarf with him.

"I don't want you to die."

END