A/N Dun dun dun, this is the first chapter of my last fanfiction (when it comes to ER at least, my actual last one will probably be a Beauty and the Beast one, on bequest of my good friend) The beginning of the end, so to speak. This is a sequel, and I would recommend you read the first one "Perfect" as well as the one-shot "Not So Perfect" to get the full over view of the back story.

However, a quick recap for everyone: Ray's cousin came to Chicago and through a chain of interesting events (lol, well, they might be -you'll have to read Perfect to find out) he managed to persuade Neela to confess her love to Ray. Unfortunately, our Ray, heartbroken as always, had already accepted a job and was moving away from Chicago. The night before he left Neela came to confess, but he left anyway. She said she would wait for him to come back. Then, in Not So Perfect, we hear that Ray wasn't happy in his new position, he wasn't able to "find himself" so, after exchanging letters with our Carter (you know they're both ours lol) he decided to go to Darfur, in the hope of putting things (well, his feelings with Neela) into perspective.

This story is set after he has been in Darfur, though there will be a lot of flashbacks -I hope it doesn't get confusing! It was inspired by the song "Brown Eyes" by Christy Moore (I think Shane MacGowan actually wrote it but I know the Christy Moore version). It's a great song, and if you listen to it, or read the words, you'll see where I get my inspiration. I think.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy. Oh, I think it's going to be pretty short, 5 chapters ish?

P.S Normal font Present, Italics Flashbacks (to Darfur), Centred text Flashbacks/quotes from Perfect

Chapter One

It was almost two years to the day since I had left Chicago and I was back. Back in the cold, the snow, the city. Everything was so different to what I'd recently become used to. There was no scorching sun here, no desert sands, I wasn't standing in the middle of a war-zone. I was in fact standing in the middle of a bar, a beer in each hand. I hadn't had beer for a while, and by my staggering steps I was pretty sure it was taking it's effects with me a little sooner than I'd once been used to.

I sat down at the table, sloshing beer everywhere. "Cheers," I slurred.

Brett, who was sitting opposite me, grinned. "Cheers, welcome home!" We clinked our glasses together then preceded to take elegant sips. Alright, it was more like my face was on fire and I was trying to put it out with beer. Wow, I thought, I am drunk, that was the weirdest description ever.

"So, my dear, how is sunny Chicago?"

Brett laughed, pointing at two men who had just entered, and were dusting snow off of their shoulders. "Whad-ya think?" He paused then looked at me thoughtfully, "Are you back here for good? Or are you going away again?"

"Why are you so bothered?"

"Because, some friends of mine would like to know."

I frowned, "What friends? You don't have any friends."

"Actually, when you left I gathered some of your left overs. One Doctor Lockhart, although she's busy with her kiddly, and oh yes, one Doctor Neela."

I froze. "Neela? Is your friend?"

"Indeed. She comes to our gigs sometimes."

"Does she know I'm back?"

"No, but if she did she'd want to know how long for."

I frowned again, at this rate I was going to get wrinkles. I had spent a year and a half in Darfur, and still just the mention of Neela's name could make me... well, I was feeling pretty sober. However, I didn't think my time in Africa had been a waste. On the contrary, it was probably exactly what I had needed, and I know I had helped people.

Did I come home too early? I thought briefly, before shaking my head. No, I was ready to come home. I was ready to sort everything here out. I had run away from my past, and now I was ready to face it again. Well, I would be after a few drinks.

"Dr Barnett, it's great to see you." Carter pulled me into a hug.

"It's great to see you as well. Shit, it's hot here isn't it," I said, grinning.

"You could say that. It's a little of an understatement, but you could say that. Come on, I'll show you around."

I'd been picked up from the airport by Debbie, she seemed nice enough. We hadn't talked much, there had been no need, I was just staring at my surroundings. It was different -though that again was an understatement.

I was soon settled in, as much as I would ever be. I knew my way around the hospital tent in a few days, mostly out of pure necessity. There wasn't really any chances to get accustomed, things weren't that organised. When people came in here, they were dying and there wasn't a lot we could do to save them. The only thing that would save them was luck, our expertise didn't really come into it. It's one thing knowing how to work a crash cart that would save someone, but it's pretty useless when you don't have the electricity to work said crash cart.

I remember one time, it was a week after I'd first arrived. I was sitting on my bed looking at a piece of paper, I'd intended on writing to Neela, but so far I hadn't written even a word. Carter came in and sat next to me.

"Who are you writing to?"

I showed him the paper, "Someone who can read non-existent letters apparently."

"I know it's hard out here, it's hard to describe to those back home. The ER is hectic but this is just... unimaginable to most people."

"I... that's not what I'm finding hard."

"Oh?"

I sighed, there was something about this man that made you want to talk to him. Oddly, Luka had the same ability. They both commanded that respect that made you think "wow, these guys know what they're talking about."

"I left Chicago, before I came here. I got another job and was all set to start another life."

"You didn't mention that... how come you left?"

"Because I thought I'd lost myself. But things didn't work out, I couldn't just start afresh. I'd run away from everything, and that hadn't fixed it."

"So why are you here? Why aren't you back there, sorting everything out?"

"The truth? I'm scared."

"What the hell is scarier than this, Ray? There's death just around the corner every day..."

"What's scarier than death? Living with your mistakes, living with heart brake."

Carter raised his eyebrows, "I don't think I like where this conversation is going. Ray, you're a great doctor, and a great guy. Whatever mistakes you may have made I'm sure you can fix them. Maybe you should go back to America."

"No, I know how much I'm needed here. Don't worry I'm not going to do anything stupid... I don't want to die, I know I've got things to sort out. I've got things I want to sort out. But I... I don't even know what I'm talking about."

"The amount of times I've felt how you've felt. I know you'll do great things here, it's almost impossible not to -every little move seems great here. But I want you to talk to me if you ever... need to. Alright?"

"Sure, and vice versa."

He laughed, "It's good having you here Ray. I hope you get everything in your head sorted out. And if you find out how to do it, do let me know."

He got up and walked out of the room. I lay on the bed, tapping my finger on my leg in a rhythm of an old Clash song. There were things I needed to get sorted in my head, but I had a lot of time to do it. Here my priorities should be being a good doctor. That was what was important. My life in Chicago, and thoughts about it, should be contained to evenings. And dreams.

I dreamt of her, of course. I had done so many nights before I'd left. But now I knew how she felt, they were worse. I knew she'd never forgive me if she found out I was here. She had been destroyed when Michael had gone back to Iraq, and what was I doing different? So, I was working in a refugee camp, I was still putting myself in danger every day. I'd known she was angry at Michael because she was so worried. Now I knew how she felt, I couldn't help hoping that she would be angry with me too.

"When you come back I want to see those eyes shining again."

"I might not be back."

She had shrugged. "I think there will be."

"What if there is no happy ending with us?"

I had played that morning over and over again in my head, through many nights in Darfur. The rain beating down on us. I could see how it might have gone, ending in a kiss with the credits rolling up soon. But it hadn't ended like that, it had ended with me walking away.

I hadn't thought I would return, even though she had said she'd be waiting. I'd thought I'd stay away for good. I'd thought that that would be the best thing. But in Darfur I'd made a decision. I was going to go back, I was going to go back to her.

And here I was.

A/N I hope you like! Reviews are always welcome!