RENT in Fifteen Minutes

Mark: Fuck. Roger, check it out, we're getting evicted.
Roger: Oooh. Can we set shit on fire?
Mark: Totally.
Roger: Hey, look: whore on floor two. See? (Winks at Mimi)
Mimi: (Winks at Angel)
Mark: Wait, where the fuck is Collins?

Collins: Owww…
Angel: Hola! I be Angel magnifique! C'mon, I'll heal you with the Wonders of Sex.
Collins: I'm so there. Wait a sec, can't. I have AIDS.
Angel: Haha, sucks for you - oh wait, I have AIDS too. Come to support group with me?
Collins: Yeah, right after sex. Hang on - are you a guy or a girl?
Angel: Um.
Collins: Oh.

Mark: I have to go find Collins. I hope he's not having sex with a drag queen again.
Roger: Kay, have fun!

Roger: Woe! The pain that is my life! The constant strain, the endless strife! April's dead, can't be my wife, 'cause I'm a silly tart. So now I'm pining for my ex! I'm whining 'bout the lack of sex. The wand of fate has cast a hex upon my noble heart! Whoo. THANK YOU, AIDS GROUP!

Mimi: Dude, light my candle?
Roger: Yeah, sure. Is that a sex metaphor?
Mimi: Well, if you have to ask…
Roger: Wait, wait! I've seen those breasts before. You look like my non-Hispanic, non-brunette, non-anorexic dead ex-girlfriend, April.
Mimi: Yeah. Light my candle?
Roger: So, like. You like guitarists?
Mimi: LIGHT MY CANDLE!
Roger: Yeah, yeah. Hey, where have I seen you before?
Mimi: Light my candle? I work at a strip club.
Roger: Hey, I don't work at all!
Mimi: Light my candle. Like my ass?
Roger: Hell, yes.
Mimi: Light my candle. You look like my dad. Sleep with me?
Roger: See above: Hell, yes.

Collins: Check out this catch.
Mark: Nice chick you got there. I'd do her.
Collins: …You do know Angel's a guy, right?
Angel: A guy who just killed our landlord's shitty dog.
Mark/Roger: I'd do her.
Angel/Collins: Get in line.

Mark: Heya, Drama Queen Maureen said you need my help.
Joanne: No way! I'm fine on my own! –electrocutes self-
Mark: So, like. DQM calls you Pookie? It means she's dumping you.
Joanne: Noooo. She never calls me that.
DQM: HEYYYYY, POOKIE!
Joanne: FUCK!

Gordon: I'm, like, almost dead, but hey, I feel great.
Angel: Me too!
Collins: Yeah, me –
Mark: -makes tons of noise- Mind if I put you in a documentary and expose your innermost feelings to the outside world?
Life Support Members: Sure, go ahead, whatever.

Collins: I'm opening up a restaurant in Santa Fe.
Mark: But, um, Collins, you don't cook…
Angel: Or manage things…
Roger: Or live in Santa Fe…
Collins: …So?

Angel: Love you, bitch.
Collins: Love you too, babe.

Mimi: Yo, dude. Drugs. NOW.
The Man: Sure.
Roger: HANDS OFF MY CHICK!
The Man: Yo, you wanna go?
Roger: No, I want to have sex with Mimi.
Mimi: I'd go for that.
DQM: MOOOOOOOOOOOO!
…
…
…
Roger: So anyways. Come with me to Bohemia's birthday party?
Mimi: …Sure…
DQM: MOOOOO!

Mark: Inspiration!
Angel: Dildos!
Roger: Mylifesucks…
DQM: Hey baby, wanna have sex?
Benny's Client: AHEM.
DQM: Duhhh… she's my sister…
All: TO S&M!
Benny & Client: I'm so outta here.

Roger: DUDE! There's a PADLOCK on our DOOR!
Angel: Like, really. –smashes padlock-
Mimi: Roger, baby, will you dress up as a girl for me?
Roger: HEY! Where's our shit?
DQM: Mark? Wanna sell out and make money?
Mark: Oh, fuck you. –develops erection-
DQM: -totally notices- You want I should take care'a that?

DQM: Haha, we're engaged… great… oooh, sexy waitress.
Joanne: DQM! STFU! I HATE YOU WE'RE SO TOTALLY OVER! -spazx10-
Maureen's Mom: Oh, so does that mean she can date you again, Marky-pie?
Mimi: NO.
Roger: …
Mimi: I mean, cause, um, Mark's… a guy? A guy, right?
Mark: Yes. I'm a guy.
Roger: I wouldn't be so sure.
Audience: WHERE THE HELL IS BENNY?

Benny: Two years ago I slept with Mimi.
Roger!!!
Mimi: Duh, that was before I met you.
Roger: Don't care. Go die on the street.
Mimi: -obeys-
Angel: -is totally dead-
Collins: SHIIIIT!
Roger: -is still sulking-

Roger: Mkay, so I'm going to Santa Fe.
Mark: I'm so over with this shitty job.
Roger: He-hey, check it out! I'm back in New York again.
DQM: SHIIIIIIT! MIMI'S HALF-DEAD!
Collins: You want I should call an ambulance?
Roger: Nah, I'ma sing her a song.
Mark: Dude, when I said take a year to write a song, I didn't MEAN it.
Roger: Shaddup. Mimi, your eyes are great. -stares at Mimi's forehead-
Mimi: Yeah… soooo… Angel said I should, um, not die, so I'm here.
Mark: CHECK OUT MY AWESOME MOVIE!