I don't own Bleach. Plain and simple

"I Would Kill the Sexiest" Normal Speech

"But Suicide…" Flashback talk

"Is a crime…" Chibi Talk

Chapter 1: You Agreed to do What Retsu?

Kenpachi Zaraki was having a wonderful day, at least from the perspective of any passer by. He had on a wide grin, completely ignoring the world around him, including Yachiru who was trying to get his attention.

'Ken-chan! Ken-chaaaannn" Yachiru whined, jumping up and down, desperate to get his attention and find out what was wrong with him. After all, when you see a bloody-thirsty fighter who loves battle leave 4th division without hearing any screams of pain with a smile on his face, you know something is up. It was almost as if he had a skip in his step.

As he passed by the 11th division's self-proclaimed 'war zone' or training area, everyone paused to watch their Captain pass by, completely ignoring them.

Ikkaku and Yumichika looked at each other. "Did captain Zaraki seem a little happy just now?" Ikkaku asked.

Yumichika stroked his chin. "Yes, he did." He ducked just in time to dodge a slash from Ikkaku. "Hey, don't strike at a unexpected opponent! You could have marred this beautiful piece of art known as my face."

Finally, Yachiru jumped onto Kenpachi's head and started playing with the bells that he stuck on top of his spikes. That got his attention very quickly.

"Hey, stop that!" He said, pulling Yachiru off his head and putting her on his shoulder. He set her on the ground. "Okay now what's this about?"

Yachiru waved her arms up and down. "Ken-chan, what are you so happy about? It's like you're on cloud nine!" Yachiru gave him a suspicious look. "Quiet lady didn't do anything…to make you really happy, did she?" She started to scrutinize him up and down. "No, your hairs not messed up. Hmm, clothes don't look like they were recently taken off." It finally dawned on Kenpachi on what she was getting at.

"No!" Kenpachi practically shouted, "We didn't do anything…sexual." He almost always forgot that even though she may look like a child, she certainly didn't act like one all the time.

"Well, what did you do when you went into her office?"

"Nothing important."

"Nothing important? Ken-chan, its bad to lie."

"I'm not lying."

"Then why are you so happy?"

A big smile appeared on Kenpachi's face. "Well…"

FLASHBACK

Kenpachi walked into the 4th division medical headquarters after wandering soul society with a look of disgust. Shinigami men (and woman) that could be shaped into warriors were instead running around healing people. With the defection of Aizen and the other 2 cowards, there was definitely going to be a lot more fighting and soul society needed as many fighters as it could.

"Tch, just more kills me. If I'm lucky they'll be strong." A small thought bubble appeared above Kenpachi's head that had a picture of a Chibi version of himself in a brazen battle field dancing upon mounds and mounds of dead hollows, and Ichigo for good measure, waving his sword around in some sort of victory pose. "Heh heh heh…"

"Is something funny Captain?" a woman's voice asked. Kenpachi's thought bubble popped out of existence and turned to glare at the voice that ruined his fantasy. Ah, it was the 4th division Vice-captain, Isane Kotetsu, another weakling. He heard how she got beat in a matter of seconds by Ichigo, along with the 1st and 2nd division Vice-Captains Chojiro Sasakibe and Marechiyo Omaeda, with only his hands no less. She took an involuntary step back at his glare before straightening herself up. "I mean can I help-"

"No." He answered shortly before walking off to his true destination. After all, there had to be a very good reason for Kenpachi Zaraki to enter 4th division.

"Ken-Chan!" Yachiru jumped from the table right into his arms as he opened the do0r to the examining room. She easily climbed to the top of his head, grabbing his hair for support, a smile plastered onto her face. "Quite lady said I'm perfectly healthy and can easily be put up against the stronger hallows."

"Of course you can, you didn't need a check up for that."

"Quite lady also gave me candy, look!" Yachiru dangled some sort of red lollipop right in front of his eyes. "Isn't that nice of her?" Kenpachi merely grunted to appease the tiny vice-captain. "I don't get why most of the shingami in our division our afraid of her." Yachiru added, eagerly sucking on her candy.

Kenpachi stroked his chin. He had heard some mentions about how scary Retsu Unohana was, but he thought the fears were unfounded. He had never seen her get angry before so he doubted she yelled at them. He heard the door open behind him and looked to see Unohana walk in.

"Hello Captain Zaraki, Vice-Captain Yachiru." She said quietly. Yachiru waved while Kenpachi just grunted. "Yachiru is extremely fit. She seems to have a boundless amount of energy and is very strong. I heard she carried you around after you lost to Ichigo." Even though he had a great time fighting Ichigo, it was still a sore spot that he lost.

"Ken-chan didn't lose, Ichigo cheated!" Yachiru burst out. Unohana looked over to Kenpachi.

"Long story." He said simply. She motioned for both Yachiru and Kenpachi to follow her. After a short walk through the medical center, they arrived at Unohana's office.

"Captain Zaraki, would you mind if I talked to you alone for a little while?" Unohana asked.

"Sure." Kenpachi looked over to Yachiru. "Stay here for a bit, I'll be out shortly."

END FLASHBACK

"We ended up talking for while. She wanted to give me an examination and I said no way. Something about the General Yamamoto's orders. In the end, she said she would make me an offer if I agreed to come in for my first check-up." Kenpachi finished as he stepped into his office.

Yachiru looked very curious "So what did Quite lady offer?" She asked.

Kenpachi turned around, a giant grin on his face. "Captain Unohana agreed to..."

In Unohana's Office…

"...Spar with Captain Zaraki!" Isane shouted, her hands slamming on the desk. Unohana set her cup of tea down, which she had an endless supply of, and folded her hands in her lap.

"I did." Unohana said simply.

"Why?" Isane blurted out. Unohana started racking her brain for a good answer, and when none came up, she said the most natural thing in the world.

"Because." Isane looked at her incredously. After a few moments, she bowed her head and sighed, knowing that she would not get a good answer anytime soon. "Honestly Isane, its not that big of a deal."

"Its Kenpachi Zaraki, he's crazy when it comes to fighting. Its likely he'll try to kill you!" Isane ranted, sounding hysterical.

Unohana looked down. "Do you really have that little faith in my fighting capabilities?" She said quietly.

"No, I'm just worried about you. You could get hurt Captain." Isane did sound and look very worried.

"Well, you'll be accompanying me anyway. Captain Zaraki said both of us could bring one person to watch the fight." Unohana explained. For some reason, Isane seemed to perk up at this tidbit of information.

A smile appeared on her face. "Will it be Ikkaku?" she asked hopefully.

"Probably not, he's very close to Yachiru and will probably bring her…" Isane smile slipped from her face and looked to the ground. "…but you never know, it could be Ikkaku."

"Yeah, it could be…" a shadow of a smile slowly crept onto her face. Isane stood up straight. "Well, if you'll excuse me Captain, I have some patients to attend to. Have a nice day." Isane stated, turning of her heel and leaving Unohana's office.

Unohana frowned slightly as Isane retreated from her presence. Ikkaku, the lucky dance shingami? Sure, he was powerful, even for a third seat. There were some whispers that he had achieved Bankai, along with several others, but those rumors were quickly dismissed. Why would anyone want to stay in 11th division when they could be a captain? Then again, Unohana, along with many others, didn't fully understand the workings of the 11th division.

"Captain!" One of the newer shingami burst into her room. "Some of the 11th division patients are acting up again!"

"I'll take care of it." Unohana said. She had no idea how she would explain this to general Yamamoto. Why had she offered to spar in the first place?

FLASHBACK

"Well? Spit it out." Unohana took a seat behind her desk and motioned for Captain Zaraki to also take a seat

"The future is looking very uncertain…" She managed to get a grunt as a reply, so she continued on. "Going to war with-"

"Shut up and get to the point." Now began the hard part.

"…" Unohana looked at Kenpachi straight and the eye and said "I need you to come in for your check-up, just-"

"No." Kenpachi stated flatly but Unohana went right on over him like he didn't even say anything.

"-Like every other shingami has to. General Yamamoto's orders. You know he said that the times ahead of us will be some of the most difficult ever."

"Don't care." Kenpachi said, completely disinterested. He got up out of his chair and headed for the door.

"Please, ever since you became captain you have not come for your decade checkup even once." Unohana pleaded. Chibi Unohana waved her hands around trying to get Chibi Kenpachi to listen to her.

"Pfft, why should I need to accept any help form a weakling as your self?" Chibi Kenpachi did not listen to what Chibi Unohana even said, just pointed and laughed in her general direction. "Why should I even listen to you? I'm perfectly healthy and ready for combat." Here he went again, off on his monologue about how weak her division was. She took a deep breath. Chibi Unohana opened her mouth to try to convince Chibi Kenpachi to listen to reason when he said something very mean. "It would probably be better if your division was disbanded or never existed in the first place. Everyone here could be so much more useful else where."

Retsu Unohana's eyes clouded over and she inadvertently broke the glass of tea (both of which were very expensive, mind you) she was about to drink from. On the outside she was as composed and calm as a gentle stream. On the inside she was seething. Chibi Unohana's eyes widened and she quickly walked over and kicked Chibi Kenpachi in the family jewels very, very, hard. He would be lucky if they didn't pop out of his mouth. Chibi Kenpachi opened his mouth to cry out in pain, but nothing came out. Chibi Kenpachi fell onto the ground, withering in pain, while Chibi Unohana stormed off to plan some evil things to do to Chibi Kenpachi. "Sorry, I spilled some tea on myself." She said as she dug out some napkins and cleaned up the mess. Kenpachi just eyed her warily. It wasn't often that she openly displayed her anger.

"Like I said…" Kenpachi began "I don't need to be examined. What I need is a good fight."

"What if we make a deal?" Chibi Unohana stroked her chin, thinking of a way to both get back at Chibi Kenpachi and do her job at the same time.

"What kind of deal?" Kenpachi asked, now slightly interested.

"I will…spar…with you." Chibi Unohana stood over a very beaten Chibi Kenpachi, her foot on his chest.

Kenpachi's face lit up like a Christmas tree. "Really?" Chibi Unohana strapped Chibi Kenpachi to a wooden table.

"Yes…but each of us is allowed to bring one other person and you will come to 4th division afterwards for your examination, win or lose." Chibi Unohana turned around, pulling out a giant needle as Chibi Kenpachi looked on in horror

"Deal!" Kenpachi shouted before bounding out the door.

Unohana rubbed her temple. "What have I done?" Chibi Unohana was repeatedly beat over the head by Chibi Yamamoto's cane for her foolishness.

END FLASHBACK

"Ah yes, that's how…"

2 days later, in a unimportant empty area…

"Umm, Captain… why are you bringing me?" Ikkaku asked, very confused about why he was coming with Kenpachi to a deserted training ground.

"Unohana asked for your presence and I don't want her to cancel spar over something little like this." It was fantastic. He should get a good fight out of Captain Unohana. After all, she was a captain.

He looked ahead and saw Unohana and her Vice-Captain, Isane standing in the empty opening. He didn't bother to hide his smile as he walked to stand only a few meters away from her.

"Captain Zaraki, you have finally arrived. I was wonderi-" Unohana was interrupted as Kenpachi unsheathed his Zanpakuto.

"Whatever, lets fight. Ikkaku, go over there by Isane." Ikkaku didn't offer any objections.

Isane stood rigid as Ikkaku approached her. She desperately tried to think up of any kind of conversation starter. "So who do you think will win?" She asked numbly.

Ikkaku was easily pulled in. "Captain Zaraki. Captain Unohana has no chance, even if she uses her Bankai." Isane looked sideways at her crush. This could prove useful.

"How about a bet then?" Isane asked. "If captain Unohana wins, then you have to…" Isane leaned over and whispered something in Ikkaku's ear.

Unohana slid her Zanpakuto out. "I am ready..." She said quietly. Kenpachi started running toward her. "Bankai."

5 minutes later…

Ikkaku looked on in horror as Unohana stood over Captain Zaraki, a 3-pronged nun chuck in her hands. "How….how…"

Isane only smiled. "Come on! I won and you promised me a date." She grabbed his hand and skipped off, dragging him behind her.

Kenpachi couldn't believe it. Unohana had completely destroyed him. How could the head of a weak division be so powerful?

"So, are you ready for your…'check-up', Captain Zaraki?" Unohana asked smiling. "You also remember our real bet, don't you? The one we made when I asked for Ikkaku to come?" Kenpachi slightly smiled, even though he was in a lot of pain.

"Yeah…I would take you out to dinner."

"I expect it to be some place nice Kenpachi."

"Only the best…Retsu."

FIN

Author's note:

I've always pictured Unohana as one of the more powerful Shinigami, ever since Aizen ran away from her. So I figure, why not have her do a little spar with Kenpachi. It's not that original but hey, I liked it. Also, I got the Chibi idea from someone who wrote a fan fiction about Evangelion. If anyone knows the story or the writer's name, I would greatly appreciate it. He did a amazing job with it. I still feel that the story is a little incomplete. I might add more if I ever have time.