I've been asked what Hyuuga Hiroshi looks like. Just picture the most uninteresting Branch House Hyuuga you can and you've got Hiroshi. The only other thing I can tell you is that he's a chuunin and bad things always seem to happen to him despite being a rather decent sort of person. The author doesn't hate him but the gods sure do.

I also got a question about Early-Morning-Unprovoked-Cat-Attack Fu. This is a cat-owner joke. Most cat owners (myself included) experience mornings where, for no apparent reason, the cat will jump on your bladder and proceed to molest you (or something to that effect). I just took the name and ran with it.

Finally, a lot of you seem to like Purring Naked Neji. I don't know whether to be pleased, amused, weirded out, or a combination of the three.

The Shinobi's Guide to Dubious Jutsu
By Kaori

"I need you to give me the scroll back." Tsunade said.

"What! But why?" whined Naruto.

"I don't like it any more than you do, but the Council is getting annoyed by all the complaints and the villagers are threatening a revolt if you don't cut it out. There goes my only source of entertainment besides torturing Izumo and Kotetsu…"

"Can't I just do one more? One more and you can have the scroll back."

"I suppose one last hurrah wouldn't hurt. Just don't do anything too disruptive. We still haven't rounded up all the squirrels from yesterday's little prank."

"Aw come on, Squirrely Wrath (1) no Jutsu isn't nearly as disruptive as the mountain of pants in the middle of the village."

"You obviously didn't' see what happened to Kurenai. Anyway, the point is I don't want half the village at my door tonight asking for your head on a pike, got it?"

"Yeah, yeah…" Naruto waved negligently at Tsunade as he left the office. He stopped at the door. "Hey, can I be held responsible for damage other people cause when they chase me?"

"Not really…" the question confused Tsuande.

"Just checking." And he left.

Out in the village proper, Sasuke was doing his grocery shopping for the month. When you live alone it is important to keep your cupboards stocked. He bought the minimum amount of perishable foods to a minimum. It would be a waste of both money and food to completely stock the refrigerator when it was expected that he and his team would be called out on missions. He'd learned that lesson along time ago when he came back from Wave Country and had to throw out half the contents of the refrigerator. Disposing of the vegetables (fertilizer for the garden) wasn't too big of a deal, but the meat was a kicker (he couldn't just throw it out because the raccoons and fangirls had a tendency to root through his trash).

"And I had been looking forward to eating that beef too." He sighed at the memory. A high-pitched squeal broke him out of his reverie and into Uchiha DEFCON 1 (2). "Fangirl, twenty meters and closing…from the left!" He jumped onto a nearby roof clutching his grocery bags, and watched as Sakura seemed to fly into a nearby alleyway. She slammed into a garbage can with a satisfying clang. "Che…" He continued on his way.

Naruto smiled as he sat on his favorite stool at Ichiraku Ramen, seventeen empty bowls were stacked on his left, the eighteenth bowl lay empty before him. He patted his stomach in satisfaction and let out a contented sigh.

"Ne, Ichiraku-jiji, that was great!"

"Glad you enjoyed it, kid. You actually going to pay this time?"

"What do you mean? I always pay…eventually." He chuckled, taking out Gama-chan and putting the money on the counter.

"Hahaha! That you do, that you do."

"Well, I'll see you later! I have something I've got to take care of."

"Do I need to close the store early again?"

"Nah, your customers might want to see this." He grinned, and went off to perform his evil deed for the day.

He had thought this out from last night. He couldn't use it on Sasuke himself because he had to be really close to Sasuke to use it. The Uchiha was not going to put up with Naruto using a strange jutsu on him, not after being hit with When Animals Attack no Jutsu and Divine Retribution no Jutsu. (3) Naruto needed a way to get Sasuke to use the jutsu on himself, and he think he'd figured out how…

Sasuke finished putting his groceries away and took out his "to do" list. "Let's see, mail death threat to Itachi…check. Sit in my parents' room and brood…check. Drop off laundry at the cleaners… check. Do grocery-shopping…check. Train to kill Itachi…right. Still have to do that before I can start brooding again. (4)"

As he stepped outside the compound he had to get out of the way in a hurry to avoid a delivery boy running full tilt down the street. "Sorry man!" the boy had yelled over his shoulder. Sasuke gave an annoyed grunt and was about to go on his way when he noticed a piece of paper on the ground. Curious, he picked it up and read it.

"Fangirl Repel no Jutsu. Will repel any female traveling towards you at excessive speeds for six hours." He turned the paper over to see the seals written on the other side and a feeling that he hadn't experienced in a long time welled up inside him. Joy. He would be free of fangirls, FOREVER! The jutsu wasn't all the complicated either. Now he only had to see if it worked.

Walking down the street to deliberately try and get mobbed by fangirls was surreal. He was actually freaking out a little bit. "Come ooon….where are you? I know you're out there, come here and molest me dammit!." He blinked and smacked himself on he forehead. "I did not just say that…"

Somebody up there was listening (praise be to the Authors!) as not one but two fangirls coming out of a nearby shop caught sight of Sasuke.

"SASUKE-KUN!" the squealed, dropped their shopping bags, and dashed forward.

Sasuke resisted the urge to bolt. He'd cast the jutsu on himself and now he needed to know if it would work. He closed his eyes as they got closer and closer and then suddenly…

"EEEEYAAAAA!"

He cracked one eye open just in time to see both fangirls repelled thirty feet backwards. He stood there, staring for about five minutes and then…

"HOO FREAKIN' YEAH! IT WORKS! IT WORKS! I'M FREEEEEEEEEE! SCREW YOU FANGIRLS!"

People gaped as the Uchiha skipped, that's right, skipped down the street. Many of the older people in the village were very surprised as they hadn't seen Sasuke smile in years and had forgotten what that looked like.

"This is the second best day of my life!" hummed Sasuke. (5)

Naruto watched Sasuke cavort and almost felt bad about what was going to happen to the dark-haired avenger (6). Almost. "Enjoy it while it lasts Sasuke, 'cause the way I figure it, you've got four hours of happiness left. Kukukuku…"

In Otogakure, Orochimaru sneezed and frowned. "Who's been using my copyrighted laugh?" Deciding this should not go unpunished, he decided to scour the world in order to find the culprit as he had no money to pay lawyers with at the moment (7).

Back to Sasuke who was thoroughly enjoying watching fangirls fly towards the horizon. It was like Neji's kaiten only invisible. He felt like he could take on the world! Then he realized that it was almost time to recast the jutsu. Gathering his chakra he flashed through the handseals and…

"Fangirl Repel no Jutsu." He suddenly felt his face get warm. "Odd…that didn't happen the first time." He used the window of a nearby store as a mirror and noticed that he looked like he had a slight blush. "Oh well, it's probably nothing." He squared his shoulders and walked down the street, confident that no fangirls would be coming for him today.

"Hi Sasuke." A guy waved at him. Sasuke almost had a panic attack. That was the fanboy's voice! The repelling jutsu doesn't work on guys! What'll he do now? He's not prepared for Dodgedick today! Damn! he didn't notice that the fanboy had since gone on his way until he'd started scanning the street for exits.

"Whew…what a relief." Sighed Sasuke. "Thank kami I only have one fanboy. Although I'm surprised he's not all over me today… Bah, no skin off my back."

"No Sasuke, it's no skin off your back." Naruto smirked from a safe distance of twenty-five feet away. "But it might end up being your shirt…"

Naruto had gone back to the scroll to read more on Fangirl Repel no Jutsu since he'd only skimmed through the explanation. Casting the jutsu more than once in twelve hours didn't just attract males ages thirteen to thirty, it also attracted lesbians. But why? The answer is rather funny.

Fangirl Repel no Jutsu is based on the premise that the fangirls are attracted to a bishounen. Taking this into account, it also assumes that the girls are heterosexual which means that they are not interested in other women. So, the jutsu works in such a way that it emits a very feminine aura tricking the senses of the fangirl into thinking that they are about to molest another female. This in turn, triggers a fight or flight mechanism in their female brains that suddenly causes a burst of chakra to be emitted from their bodies that collides with the bishounen's fake female aura. Instant repulsion.

The jutsu wears off in twelve hours after being cast. Casting it more than once during those twelve hours doubles the effect, which has the side-effect of broadcasting not just a strong feminine aura, but it actually causes any male between thirteen and thirty years of age, within a radius of twenty-five feet believe that the person under the jutsu is actually an incrediblyhot and horny female. This explains why the fanboy had absolutely no interest in Sasuke and, why Sasuke is currently being chased by six lesbians, fifteen male chuunin, six male jounin, and one very confused rooster (8); and the mob was only getting bigger.

"Why is this happening to me!" screamed Sasuke as he raced towards the sunset at speeds that would make Gai and Lee envious.

"Come on sweety, don't be like that!" cooed one of the chuunin. Sasuke shivered.

Naruto continued to watch from his safe point, laughing into his bowl of ramen and wondering if Sasuke can elude his new admirers for another eleven hours. Ah, today was a great day…to bad he'd have to return the scroll to Tsunade when it was over. Oh well, it had been fun.

"You." a voice hissed behind him. Naruto slowly turned around and yelped when none other than Orochimaru was standing behind him. "You used my copyrighted laugh." There was only one thing to do in that sort of situation…

"CRACK IN THE BOX NO JUTSU: NAKED SASUKE VERSION!"

Yep. Totally messed-up ending, but what can I tell say? Crack in the Box no Jutsu and its variations was my favorite. Also, many of you asked for Orochimaru in this story so here he is. I'd tell you what the next Shinobi's Guide is going to be, but I don't feel like it. BWUAHAHAHAA!

1) The phrase "squirrely wrath" is from Neurotically Yours by iLlWiLlPrEsS. Laugh because it's funny get pissed off because it's true.

2) DEFCON 1 is maximum force readiness. Everyone on high alert and all sensors up and running. Uchiha DEFCON 1 is all senses on full alert for fangirls and preparing to run like a little bitch.

3) Gah! I really need to learn to control my urge to torture Sasuke!

4) I was listening to The Emo Song when I wrote that part. I was very tempted to put in something about tacos.

5) The best day of Sasuke's life will be the day he kills Itachi. Or at least that's what he believes…

6) Just so you know, I was so close to writing "dark haired shit-eater". I really need to stop looking at Naruto parodies… On second thought, no I don't.

7) I know it doesn't make sense, just go with it for now.

8) Anybody who asks about the rooster will be molested by Orochimaru in their sleep tonight.