Eight: The Hardest Part to Heal

Kakashi woke up not knowing where he was. It was like the first few mornings he remembered at Sensei's house, right after he had moved in. His surrounds were familiar yet foreign. The smells of the hospital that hit his nose made his stomach cramp with sickness. He felt so ill.

W-what happened to me? The harder he tried to remember, the more confused he became. A mission. Rin's kidnapping. A fight with Obito. Obito…He put a hand up to his face and felt the intense sting of a cut below his bandages. It was a deep cut that ran over his left eye. He remembered the ninja who had given him that cut, the moment Obito had finally activated the sharingan, a rock slide…and suddenly Kakashi wished he could forget.

"Kakashi!"

A loud voice called to him as the door flew open. Iruka was standing there, smiling widely with relief as he saw that his friend was finally awake. He rushed over to his bedside and sat down on the chair there. His expression was a mix of joy, nervousness, and sympathy. Kakashi didn't need any more clues to know that Sensei had already told him everything. He didn't want comfort right now, not even from his best friend. He just wanted to be left alone…

"Kakashi," Iruka said quietly, noting the stoic expression on the other boy's face, "are you okay?"

Kakashi didn't say anything. He was still feeling the weight of everything that had happened coming down on him. Obito was gone. He had been killed on the very first day Kakashi had been given the leadership role in their squad. And the reason he had died was because Kakashi had been too stubborn to listen to him when Obito had insisted on going back for Rin instead of continuing the mission. It's my fault, he thought. What kind of jounin fails this miserably on their first day?

"I'll never see him again," the silver-haired boy whispered, almost to himself.

Iruka's eyes widened, and he looked down at the fists clenched in his lap sadly. He didn't know what to say to his friend to make him feel better. No one he had been close to had ever died. He couldn't imagine what it was like to lose a teammate, but he could sense the pain Kakashi was going through. The younger boy waited to hear what else was on his friend's mind - because it was the only thing he could do.

There was nothing but silence, though. Kakashi was too tired to beat himself up anymore. He wanted to just lay back down and close his eyes, shut himself off from this world, and pass it all off as nothing more than a dream.

"I'm sorry about what happened, Kakashi," he heard Iruka say. It sounded like his voice was really far away. The jounin had never felt so detached from everything since his father had passed away. "Obito was really brave. Sensei told me how he finally activated his sharingan during the mission."

"Didn't help him much."

Iruka flinched at his friend's words. Kakashi suddenly found it easier to be mad than guilty.

"Of course a crybaby like that wasn't going to last one minute without the Yellow Flash to protect him. How was I supposed to be responsible for him? I wanted to go forward with the mission, but no! He had to give into his own weakness and try to play the hero. Now he's dead. He's dead and the last words I said to him the day before we left were that I wanted him that way."

"Y-you didn't say that!"

"No…but I might as well have."

"You can't blame yourself for what happened! Obito's death wasn't your fault."

"Everything is the leader's fault. You don't stray from the mission. You put the goal before everything else, and in the end, the results are all in your hands, including who and who doesn't get to come home afterward."

"It's not that simple," a new voice said, startling the two.

Sensei walked into the room and stood next to Iruka while Kakashi turned his face away.

"Glad someone could finally get you to talk," the Yellow Flash told his charge as he put his hand down on Iruka's shoulder. "You need to get it out, Kakashi. I know it's not easy for you, but your burdens aren't going to go away if you keep them bottled up."

"Talking about it won't break him back," Kakashi muttered. It just makes it hurt again.

"No," his teacher replied, "it won't. But it'll help you heal on the inside, where other medicines are ineffective."

Kakashi just looked down at his bed sheets. Minato waited a while to see if his charge would listen to him for once, but the boy didn't seem to have any interest in talking about it further. The blonde man sighed, aware of the work the hokage still had waiting for him concerning all the paperwork from the last mission and the affairs that needed to be dealt to complete Obito's death report. He knew it wasn't a good time to tell Kakashi that his statement would be needed to record the details of what had happened during that part of the mission. Maybe the boy had already guessed.

"I have to go," Sensei said, rising. "Stay with him for a while, Iruka. Maybe you can get him to tell you about the new jutsu he's developed."

With that, he was gone, leaving a curious Iruka looking at Kakashi hopefully. He hoped his friend would feel better if he talked about something else to get his mind off of his teammate.

"What kind of jutsu is it?" he prompted. "Does it do a lot of damage?"

"It's nothing that special," Kakashi muttered, even though he would have been proud of it were it not for the circumstances through which it had been perfected. "I'll show it to you next time I'm training."

"Do you think they'll let you out of here soon?"

"Yeah. Since I'm awake now and don't have major injuries, it probably won't be that long before they discharge me."

That's how it usually goes. Kakashi could still feel the stitches on his arm from the deep cut he had gotten during the mission. He also had no idea what his eye looked like…He had a feeling he wouldn't be looking in a mirror anytime soon. It's his eye. His eye is in there right now…The thought disturbed him.

"Does it hurt?" Iruka asked quietly.

Kakashi hadn't even realized his hand had gone up to touch his bandage.

"Not as much as it did before," he replied. He wished Iruka wouldn't stare at that spot. He knew his friend was curious to see what it looked like beneath the bandages, but Kakashi felt uncomfortable and a bit self-conscious. What kind of face would his friend make when he saw the long cut bisecting his eye? What about when he saw the eye that didn't belong to him?

"Sensei told me that's why you passed out," Iruka said. "Because you can't turn off the sharingan, and it drains your chakra."

Kakashi gave him a nod. "That's why I have to keep it covered."

"You should use your headband!" Iruka suggested, making a tilting gesture with his hands. "It could be like your trademark way of wearing it. It'd look so cool!"

Kakashi managed a small smile in spite of himself. Iruka could always lighten the mood.

"Yeah…maybe I will."

"Oh!" Iruka said suddenly. "I almost forgot!"

He dug into the pocket of his pants and pulled something out. It was a necklace with a small thin whistle hanging off it.

"I got you this for your jounin present. It's a dog whistle!" Iruka said, handing it to Kakashi. "I thought maybe you could use it for the ninken."

"Thanks," Kakashi said, putting it around his neck.

He couldn't offer Iruka a smile though, and the tanned boy felt a stab of disappointment. At least he could keep his friend company for a while in the hopes of cheering him up.

/

The hospital did end up releasing Kakashi, but not until the next day. Sensei came to pick him up, and the jounin mumbled something about not having to be treated like a child anymore. The blonde man just ruffled his hair.

"I'm not here to carry you home. You may be old enough to sign yourself out of the hospital, but that doesn't mean I don't want to come keep you company."

"I thought you were too busy for things like that," his charge muttered. He knew the real reason his guardian had come was because he was still worried about him after what had happened. Kakashi was tired of him trying to get him to talk about it, though.

"I'll always make time for you, Kakashi," Minato said seriously.

Kakashi gritted his teeth beneath the mask. He didn't want to be fussed over! He didn't like Sensei treating him like he was going to break just because he didn't want to talk or think about Obito. He was a full-fledged ninja! His heart wasn't made of glass. He could get over this, would get over this. And he didn't need his guardian to hold his hand while doing it.

"I know you're angry right now," that annoying voice came back to say. "You can take it out on me if you want, but that won't help anyone. I know what it's like to lose teammates, and I have to be honest with you, Kakashi - he won't be the last. A shinobi's life is full of losses. I know it's hard-"

"It'd be easier if you just dropped it and let me work it out for myself!" Kakashi interrupted, finally out of patience.

The Yellow Flash stopped walking and stared at him silently. The new jounin suddenly felt a pang of guilt for snapping at his mentor, but he just looked away and kept going in the direction of their home.

"Maybe you should try going that way," he heard his mentor call back from behind him.

Kakashi turned his head wondering where in the world Minato was suggesting he go, and paused when he realized where that finger was pointing. Down the road to their left lay the training fields and the forest. And next to the fields would be…

"The memorial stone?" Kakashi asked quietly.

The Yellow Flash nodded.

"They put his name on there yesterday. I visited it this morning before coming to get you. Maybe you should go…pay your respects there. It would be just you and him."

The jounin contemplated it. It was either go home and mope in his room or go sit by that stone and think about what he'd been trying so hard not to think about all day. At least the second option meant he'd get away from Sensei and his babying. He turned and went down towards the field without looking at the blonde man again. But he could still hear his voice trailing after him even though the rest of him didn't follow.

"I'll have dinner waiting for you when you get back!"

/

The pub Minato was sitting at was empty except for him and his guest. The blonde put down his cup of sake, an exasperated expression spread over his face.

"I don't know what I'm going to do with him," he sighed. "He won't listen to me. He's always been like that! But now it's worse because he's turning into a teenager and is starting to show that lovely rebellious side that comes with it."

He looked towards his drinking partner hopelessly, feeling a bit pathetic. The great Yellow Flash - complaining about parenting problems.

"It's just a phase," the playful voice reassured him. "You shouldn't let it stress you out! He'll grow out of it soon enough. I know you can handle it!"

Minato laughed as he was smacked playfully on the back. His date sure wasn't gentle. At least she would always listen to his venting and offer more support than any other friend he had.

"He didn't come home for dinner," he told her. "I cooked the food I knew he liked - even the eggplant miso soup that Umino-san gave me the recipe for! She said he'd never have just one bowl of that, and he still didn't come! I went out looking for him for an hour and by the time I got back, I found him curled up in bed, dinner untouched."

"Sounds like he's being a tough case."

"Yeah, well, I don't blame him," the Yellow Flash mumbled. "He lost a teammate the first day he was put in charge. It can't be easy on him, but I still can't get him to talk about it. He's too proud to admit he's hurting, and then he goes sulking around like a kicked puppy."

"Just give him time. He'll open up when he's ready. You can't expect to force it out of him right away. A kid like him needs some time alone before he's ready to talk. He only just got out of the hospital."

"But what if he's too stubborn to pull himself out of it?" Minato asked worriedly. "I hate seeing him so depressed."

"I'm sure he knows how much you care about him," came the reply. "You're like a father to him, Minato. Even if he pushes you away right now, you're the one he's going to come to when he finally feels like talking. You've been there for him before, and you know him the best. Just be patient."

"Maybe you're right," Minato replied, feeling a hand rub his arm sympathetically. "Thanks, Kushina."

The redheaded woman grinned at him.

"Anytime."

/

Even after lying in bed for two hours, Kakashi couldn't sleep. He tossed and turned and tangled himself up in the sheets. Even when he tried clearing his mind or counting shuriken, it was no use. He kept thinking about that memorial stone…and how he hadn't gone.

Are you mad at me, Obito? Did you want me to come apologize or something? Your body isn't even there. I'm not going to sit by some rock and cry like when I was seven. It never made anyone feel better.

But there was something tugging at him, begging him to get out of bed. Maybe it was guilt. It could have even been the Uchiha's spirit itself. But whatever it was, it was so persistently annoying that Kakashi, with one last huff of frustration, finally rolled over and stood up before walking towards his window and slipping away into the night.

It didn't take him long to get to the memorial stone, but once he had, he stopped in disappointment. It seemed that someone else was already there. Who is that? Who else is crazy enough to come here at this hour? As he watched the figure in the darkness, though, he realized her shape looked familiar. As he got closer, he could see her moonlit face.

"Rin…"

The girl flinched and turned around to face her teammate. She was clutching something in her hands. Kakashi looked down at it and knew what the object was right away. They were Obito's goggles.

"K-kakashi! I didn't expect to see you here…"

"I meant to come earlier," he replied, "but, well, I couldn't."

Rin nodded down towards the stone.

"I know…You just got out of the hospital today, didn't you? I visited when you were still asleep. Sorry I didn't come back after that."

"You don't have to apologize."

"Still, I'm glad to see you're feeling better."

Better…right. Kakashi didn't say anything.

"How's your eye?" his teammate asked nervously.

It's not my eye.

"It's fine," he said, putting a hand up to where the bandage still covered it. "I don't feel any pain."

"That's good," Rin said, breathing a sigh of relief. At least her transplant had been successful. "Don't strain yourself. You don't want to drain your chakra again."

"Yeah," was all Kakashi said in response.

The two stood there quietly, looking down at the stone. After a moment, Rin knelt down and lay the goggles by some flowers that were already there.

"I think Sensei left those," she said, indicating the plants. "He doesn't show it, but I think he feels really heartbroken about what happened too. He's always looked out for us before. I wonder if he feels guilty because he wasn't there…"

Kakashi looked at her questioningly. Had Sensei mentioned something to her?

"It's not his fault Obito's gone," he said. "I was the one in charge of our team at the time. Sensei knows that."

"You can't really think he puts all the responsibility on you," she said, unbelievingly. "He knows you're a new jounin. There's only so much you could have done. Even if you had more experience, those were two formidable ninja in unfamiliar territory." Her voice lowered to a whisper. "Maybe if I hadn't been so careless…If I hadn't let myself get captured - he'd still be alive."

Kakashi stared. He opened his mouth. And then he did something neither of the two expected - he laughed. Not loudly, just short spurts that came choked out from within him. As he fought them back, his body shook, and Rin looked at him at first like he had grown two heads and then with a mix of hurt and concern.

"W-what-?"

"This," Kakashi breathed finally, able to control himself at last. "Us. This is so…stupid. First I blame myself. Then Sensei blames himself. Now you're trying to do it too. We all want some of this guilt. Why? Doesn't it hurt? It just makes no sense. If Obito were here, he'd be laughing too."

Rin turned away from him, and Kakashi suddenly felt horrible. He was still trembling a little. It had felt good to laugh at himself, as if a bit of the burden had been lifted from him, but he doubted Rin found it as relieving as he did. She just stared off towards the moon and stars, leaving Kakashi to look at the back of her head.

"He really did love me, didn't he?" she said after an awkward silence. "That's why he was so insistent on coming back. He wanted to rescue me."

Kakashi hung his head down. "Yeah…" And I was about to leave you behind.

"He was a good friend," Rin said, turning her head to smile at him, "and a brave shinobi. I'm sure he would have been great with the sharingan."

"He was," Kakashi told her, conscious of the eye that lay within him. "He took down one of those enemy ninja all on his own. The same one that gave me this scar."

"I wish he hadn't left us so soon," his teammate said. "Maybe we…"

Kakashi waited for the end of a sentence that would never come. Rin was kneeling by the stone now, her eyes fixed on the goggles. Kakashi remembered his last promise to his friend. I'll take care of her, Obito. You don't have to worry. I know how you felt about her. I'll make sure she stays safe until that day comes…when we can all be together again. He felt the wind blow against his skin, the warm breeze comforting him in a way that was hard to explain. It was as if it was trying to carry off some of his guilt and sadness while replacing it with something familiar…whatever it was that he had lost. Kakashi felt a rush of gratitude and relief. He had almost forgotten Obito's last words to him, but they came back to him now, reminding him that his friend and teammate was still alive. "I can become your eye, and from now on I will see the future." He finally took the bandage off.

Not too far away, leaning against a trunk near the training grounds, Minato watched his two students pay their respects to their teammate. He crossed his arms and smiled. It never gets easier, he thought. Even after you learn to accept it, there's always the same amount of pain. I've already asked for enough forgiveness today. Now my only wish is for them to get theirs. His golden hair was rustled by the wind. The Yellow Flash closed his eyes and felt the presence of his former student within him as the Will of Fire they shared connected them. Thanks, Obito. Rest in peace.

A/N: Sorry for so much Emo!Kakashi in this chapter...Minto's gonna have a lot of fun with him. XD; At least he has a hot date to help him relieve some stress!

Anyways, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who commented on or faved the last chapter. I was so surprised! Your interest is encouraging, and your support really means a lot to me. Keep being awesome!

-K.I.