Disclaimer: I don't own either House, nor the Owner's Guide series. This is just my little homage to both.
CONGRATULATIONS!
You are now the proud owner of a GREGORY HOUSE (hereafter referred to as HOUSE) unit! In order to obtain peak performance from your diagnostician, please follow the procedures detailed in this manual.
Your HOUSE should arrive fully assembled and in upright conditions. Please check that you have all his accessories (see list below).
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS
Name: Gregory House (though Greg or House are more accepted by your unit)
Type: Human Male, of the Painfully Gorgeous variety
Manufacturer: Fox-Shore, Ltd.
Date of Production: June 11, 1959
Height: 6 ' 2"
Weight: Unknown, presumably around 190 lbs.
Length: Data not available but guaranteed satisfactory
ACCESSORIES
Your HOUSE unit comes fully equipped with the following:
a) Two canes; one of the wooden variety, the other silver-handled for fancy occasions
b) One iPod
c) One lacrosse ball
d) One portable television
e) One bottle of Vicodin, containing 30 pills
f) Script pad for writing more Vicodin prescriptions
g) One wooden box containing enough chemicals for a mini-chem lab
h) One STEVE MCQUEEN unit with cage
i) Full wardrobe containing a variety of vintage tee shirts, various pants, button-up shirts and blazers, one lab coat, several pairs of sneakers, pajamas, and one tuxedo
j) One lockbox containing a morphine injection kit
k) One Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital identification badge
l) One cherry-red 1965 Chevrolet Corvette convertible (delivered approximately one week after arrival of HOUSE unit)
Replacement and additional items available upon request. Under no circumstances are you to remove items a, b, and e from your HOUSE unit, unless you want him to lay around on the couch all day in pain. Nor are you allowed to let any WILSON units anywhere near item a, unless you want your HOUSE unit's cane snapping in half.
INSTALLATION
Your HOUSE unit will arrive at your home in a dormant state. Remove him from his box and lay him out somewhere comfortable, as he is programmed to be in Post-Infarction condition. Remove the bottle of Vicodin and the cane from the box and place them within easy reach of your HOUSE unit, as they will be the first thing he seeks upon activation. It is recommended you purchase a baby grand piano and a motorcycle for your HOUSE unit, preferably before he arrives. This will make your HOUSE unit feel more at home with two of his favorite activities readily available to him.
Upon activation, your HOUSE unit may snark at you. This is normal and part of his programming. HOUSE units are not for the thin-skinned and overly sensitive. If he makes remarks about your "funbags," just ignore him.
CAUTION: Married/committed HOUSE owners must ensure that their spouses are otherwise engaged in gardening/car maintenance/crocodile hunting/etc. before carrying out the activation procedure. Fox-Shore, Ltd. is not held responsible for divorce costs, alimony payments, or hospital fees due to careless execution of this procedure in the company of jealous housemates.
NOTE: Do not forget to remove your STEVE MCQUEEN unit from the box and place him in his cage. Your HOUSE unit will wonder where his pet rat has gone and will probably go off to sulk for a while.
OPERATING PROCEDURE
Your HOUSE unit has been designed to be user-friendly and efficient, which means that, unless he has been introduced to a CUDDY unit, he will be readily accessible to perform various functions, but at great reluctance. His controls are voice activated, and include several language packs, including Spanish, Portuguese, Hindi, and some Mandarin Chinese.
Apart from the aesthetic value of your HOUSE unit, and his capacity for a certain kind of activity, which will not be mentioned should a young child get a hold of this packet, he can also perform several other functions around the house:
Poker: Your HOUSE unit has quite the talent for Texas Hold 'Em poker. Next poker night, have him play in your place and watch the cash roll in! Plus, with the added benefit of a little whiskey, he might be persuaded to play strip Texas Hold 'Em.
Musician: Your HOUSE unit is also quite the musician! If you decide to provide him with a baby grand (or a piano of equal or leser value), your HOUSE unit will serenade you with classical and jazz favorites. Holding a swanky dinner party and you need a musician? Just set your HOUSE unit up and he'll play.
Doctor: First and foremost, your HOUSE unit is trained as a doctor. He is a board certified diagnostician with a double specialty in infectious diseases and nephrology. Need someone to examine you at no cost to you or your insurance carrier? Your HOUSE unit will examine you, though he'll probably make several snarky comments and allusions to "clinic duty."
Prankster: Though this behavior is not necessarily encouraged, your HOUSE unit is an accomplished prankster. He comes programmed with knowledge of some basic pranks, and the ability to think up many creative schemes.
CLEANING
Your HOUSE unit does like to stay clean, though he is nowhere near as fastidious as a WILSON unit. However, to keep your HOUSE in pristine condition, it is recommended that you follow this daily regimen. It will provide hours of fun for the whole family, or at the very least private entertainment for the discerning female:
Shower entire HOUSE unit
Comb/style hair
Clean fingernails
Change shirts, pants, blazer
Upon completion of the cleaning procedure, dry your HOUSE unit by rubbing him briskly with a large towel. Do not tumble dry. Do not hang him out on the wash line, unless you want your neighbors to gossip.
COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS
Unfortunately, you will find that your HOUSE is not compatible with most other models. Fox-Shore, Ltd. is aware of this issue, and assure you that it is part of his programming. The comprehensive compatibility list is somewhat lengthy and available upon request. Below is a list of select models that your HOUSE unit is typically known to interact with.
JAMES WILSON: Your HOUSE unit is highly compatible with a WILSON unit Like most units, these two are equipped with two settings: Friendship and Slash. Do not set your WILSON and HOUSE units to Slash, unless you fancy that sort of thing. Be aware that in Friendship mode, WILSON units tend to make bad decisions about the wellbeing of HOUSE units, going to such lengths as making him give up his Vicodin, leading to activation of the Withdrawal program in your HOUSE unit. As stated earlier, do not let any WILSON units near your HOUSE unit's cane, unless you want to buy your HOUSE a replacement cane. It is not advised that these two units reside in the same household together, as WILSON units are fastidious groomers, and their daily regimen takes quite some time to complete before the WILSON unit is completely happy with the way he looks.
LISA CUDDY: Your HOUSE unit is somewhat compatible with CUDDY units. They are equipped with two modes also: Friendship and Romance. Be aware that CUDDY units usually scare HOUSE units into hiding in odd places. Damage to your HOUSE unit may result if any CUDDY units find your HOUSE unit before you do.
ALLISON CAMERON: Depending on what version of programming both units are equipped with, their interaction varies.
Version 1.0 – A CAMERON unit is actively pursuing a romantic relationship with any nearby HOUSE units. Your HOUSE unit will have mixed reactions, telling you and other units that he has no interest in the CAMERON unit, but secretly cares (especially when a WILSON unit threatens to "put the moves on" the CAMERON unit in question). If your HOUSE unit disappears for an evening and returns grumpy and sulking, assume that he and the CAMERON unit in question have gone out on a bad date.
Version 2.0 – There is very little interest involved on either of their parts, since the CAMERON unit is convincing herself that she's over him while your HOUSE unit is seeing a STACY unit on the side. However, put the two of them in a room together wearing their formal wear outfits and watch the sparks fly!
Version 3.0 (beta) – The latest and best programming for HOUSE and CAMERON units to date, if the Romance feature is enabled. Your HOUSE unit is asking the CAMERON unit out on dates, comforting her at difficult periods in her life, and complimenting her hair. This program is still in development, but the beta program has shown promising results!
Please note that for these interactions to work, both units must carry the same version of the interaction program. Mixing a Version 1.0 CAMERON with a 2.0 HOUSE is not advised, as irreversible damage to both units may occur.
ERIC FOREMAN: These units can be compatible, but the FOREMAN unit has the tendency to rebel against your HOUSE unit. Sometimes the rebellion is quite severe. Typically, this is because a CAMERON unit has pointed out how similar the HOUSE and FOREMAN units are in programming, going as far as wearing the same sneakers on occasion. If your HOUSE unit is going out on a date with a CAMERON unit, it is not advised that he be allowed to talk to a FOREMAN unit, as the date will go badly.
ROBERT CHASE: These units are generally compatible, unless the Spying for Vogler program has been activated, which is generally avoidable unless the CHASE unit in question has been exposed to a VOGLER unit. If you suspect that the CHASE unit your HOUSE interacts with has been exposed to a VOGLER unit, separate the two immediately unless you want to see the fur fly!
EDWARD VOGLER: These units are highly incompatible! Interaction with a VOGLER unit will cause your HOUSE unit to sulk and start making fat jokes, as well as additional harm to any units your HOUSE has interaction with. Never leave the two of them locked in a room together, as only one unit will emerge from said room (and it's a high possibility that it will be the VOGLER unit).
STACY WARNER: Your HOUSE unit, if he was programmed with a Pre-Infarction upgrade (sold separately), will interact well with a STACY unit. However, if he comes with his original programming, he will harbor a deep resentment for the STACY unit (especially if a MARK unit is present). If your HOUSE unit comes with Interaction Package Version 2.0, he will take an interest in the STACY unit, ultimately having an affair with her.
JACK MORIATY: HOUSE units and JACK units are fatally incompatible. If both units are forced to interact, the JACK unit will shoot your HOUSE unit twice, and proceed to mess with your HOUSE unit's mind in a hallucination (Note: Fox-Shore, Ltd. cannot be held liable for damages done to either unit).
PRECAUTIONS
Do not expose your HOUSE to fire, strong magnetic fields, electricity, excessive humidity, heartless billionaires, or disgruntled patients with guns.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: How do I obtain a Pre-Infarction upgrade for my HOUSE unit and what's included?
A: Contact Fox-Shore, Ltd. for the upgrade. The company's number is located on the shipping receipt if you wish to place an order for this upgrade. The Pre-Infarction upgrade comes with software enabling your HOUSE unit to walk without a cane, a set of lacrosse gear, golf clubs, and several jogging outfits. The cost of this upgrade is $85.45, American.
Q: My HOUSE unit comes back home early in the morning, carrying several containers of food. Where is he getting all this food?
A: Apparently, one of your neighbors has a WILSON unit. WILSON units are known for their culinary skills, and HOUSE units can't resist the lure of macadamia nut pancakes.
Q: Why does my HOUSE unit come with a STEVE MCQUEEN unit?
A: Because HOUSE units seem to be very attached to STEVE units. And who would separate a man from his pet?
TROUBLESHOOTING
PROBLEM: Lately, my HOUSE unit has been taking to hiding away in his room, mumbling over and over about something called Viopril. What's wrong with him?
SOLUTION: Your HOUSE unit has just come in contact with a VOGLER unit. Unfortunately, VOGLER units offer HOUSE units an ultimatum of giving a speech about Viopril or firing the CAMERON or FOREMAN units he knows. This situation, after being exposed to a VOGLER unit, is, sadly, inevitable. You'll just have to let these events run their course.
PROBLEM: Your HOUSE unit keeps clutching his head and curling up in a ball on the floor.
SOLUTION: Your HOUSE unit has been exposed to a PHILIP WEBBER unit. He is attempting to show up his old college foe by proving a migraine drug the WEBBER unit developed doesn't work. Find some LSD and a bottle of anti-depressants for him and he should be fine in a few hours.
PROBLEM: My HOUSE unit came back with a butler named Jeeves and can't stop singing "47 Ginger-Headed Sailors."
SOLUTION: And this is a problem? If you find this undesirable, check the identification label. It's possible that you've accidentally been issued a BERTIE WOOSTER unit from "Jeeves and Wooster." Unfortunately, Fox-Shore, Ltd. does not issue refunds or exchanges on any basis. On the bright side, you've been shipped a BERTIE WOOSTER unit. Quit complaining! If this is truly unacceptable to you, you may put him up for auction on eBay and make some money.
FINAL NOTE
Due to the volatile nature and adventure-seeking behavior of the HOUSE model, he has not been issued with a guarantee. This may disappoint owners of other models made by Fox-Shore, Ltd. However, console yourself with the knowledge that your HOUSE unit will last a very long time.