Hello everyone! Another one-shot from me to you. I just wrote it down during one pensive evening, and I really hope you enjoy it. Feedback is love; please, I need it! Thanks a lot, you are all cute angels!
Summary: Missing scene from "In My Time Of Dying." While Sam helplessly watches Dean, he realizes a few things about his brother: He's a constant reassurance. Sam wants to be that for him now.
Spoilers/Warnings: Season 2, episode 1. Takes place when Dean wakes up from his coma. They should have had a scene like this, honestly. There are flashbacks from season 1 too.
So, enjoy:)
On my life I'll try today
There's so much I've felt I should say
But even if your heart would listen
I doubt I could explain
- Jimmy Eat World - If You Don't, Don't
Reassurance
Sam stares at his lifeless brother, thinking that this isn't Dean, because Dean is strong. Dean's not supposed to look this broken, weak and pale, all at the same time. This is just a shell. Maybe Sam is dreaming. He'll wake up and be in the roaring Impala with his brother by his side, who is smiling crookedly at him, reassuring him, his sharp green eyes open and...
So alive...
But it's not a dream. It's all too real. Dean is dying, and Sam can't do anything to help him. Sam's eyes are full of tears as he shouts inside of himself that Dean can't leave him. He's lost his mother, his girlfriend, and his father will probably disappear as soon as this is over, only able to argue with Sam. He can't lose Dean too. He won't. And then reality hits him too hard again.
He suddenly realizes that he can't live without Dean. He is so much more than a brother.
Dean is his guardian. He's his best friend. He's a part of him.
If Dean dies, then so will Sam. He lays his hand next to Dean's; feeling more scared in his life than he has ever been before, he takes a deep breath. Wake up, he begs, but his brother remains still. Dean has to open his eyes again, because he can't think of a time that Dean has never been there for him. And he can't imagine a life without him being there.
"Sorry, man."
Sam looks at him, surprised.
"About what...?"
"I really wish things could be different, you know? I wish you could just be Joe College."
And Sam knows he does, because no matter how much it hurts Dean, he is so damn unselfish.
"It's okay. You know the truth is even at Stanford, deep down, I never really fit in."
"Well, that's because you're a freak."
"Yeah, thanks."
"Well, I'm a freak too. And I'm right there with you all the way."
"Yeah, I know you are." Sam knows that too. And there is nothing else that he appreciates more.
"You've got one advantage that Max didn't have."
"Dad...? Because Dad's not here, Dean."
Dean doesn't even stop to think.
"No... Me. As long as I am around, nothing bad is going to happen to you."
Sam, overwhelmed, doesn't say anything. He
believes him as he sinks into his brother's comforting words.
Michael stands in front of Dean. He looks scared but Sam can tell that he is trying to be brave. He finds that admirable.
"You said you're a big brother."
"Yeah..."
"You take care of your little brother? You'd do anything for him?"
"Yeah, I would." Dean says, barely above a whisper, but Sam can hear him clearly.
Dean turns around, meeting Sam's gaze. Dean's
eyes are filled with a rare benevolent emotion. Sam only nods,
gratitude streaming through him. He nods because he knows.
"Yeah, I know. That's not what bothers me."
"Then what does?"
"Killing that guy, killing Meg... I didn't hesitate, I didn't even flinch. For you or Dad, the things I'm willing to do or kill, it just... It scares me sometimes."
Sam could never picture Dean being scared, but he's opening up to him now to this extent, so he tries to understand. He tries to say something, but no words come out. Sam doesn't want Dean to be scared, but he wants him, needs him, to continue to look out for him, always. He needs that reassurance...
Deep down, Sam
knows he is going to get that, because Dean will brush away his fear
without blinking an eye, for him. That's just the way he is.
Those were some, a few, of the most significant times during their journey when Dean was being a big brother, being a best friend, a guardian and a part of him. He still needs those times. He's had them all his life.
Sam had sensed his essence in the hospital room. Dean was fighting, even at the border of death. He was still fighting for Sam. Sam wants to do the same thing for him, but he can't. He feels useless...
Dean...
Suddenly, Dean is coughing, gasping for air, eyes wide open with fear. Sam is snapped out of his pensiveness. He's choking now, and Sam can't believe his eyes for a moment. But Dean is bringing him back up from his abyss of thoughts, and he needs to be the big brother now.
"Dean!"
"Help, I need help!" Sam shouts, as loud as he can. He holds Dean's hand now, fingers entwining.
"It's okay Dean. It's okay." Sam whispers. Doctors hurriedly come in, pushing Sam away from Dean. Leave this to us, they say, but Sam needs to do something too. He stands close. They take away the tube from his mouth, and Dean isn't choking anymore. He's breathing.
He's alive.
"S-Sam... Sam..." Dean whispers between staggering breaths. He's searching, looking lost and confused.
"I'm here, Dean. I'm here." He pushes his way through the doctors, and they let him. Sam disregards them completely. It's only him and Dean. Sam bends over his brother, gently holding the back of his head, making him see him. It's his turn to reassure him. His turn to be everything Dean is to him.
"Dean?" He asks, and Dean finally meets his eyes, and his gaze is firm, no longer searching.
"Sam..."
"Welcome back, man. Hey, I got you..." But he doesn't. Dean has him.
"You okay?" Dean asks, hoarsely, being selfless, even when almost nearly dying. Relief is all Sam is feeling...
"Yeah, I am now..." Sam answers. Because Dean is awake, and that is all that matters.
"You really scared me..." Sam can't hide the fear in his voice.
"Sam..."
"I thought you were..." Sam is suddenly overwhelmed, again. He feels everything falling apart inside of him. Then, he feels Dean grasp his arm, never hard, always considerate.
"Hey, I'm not going anywhere, okay...?" Dean says. His voice is low, but still so strong and clear. And it isn't unfamiliar. It is all too recognizable. That's what Sam needs.
He's reassuring him. Sam nods, allowing the tears to fall freely now.
And once again, Sam believes him.
The End.