4

Being Me: 101

'No!' Cuddy exclaims, throwing House's hands into the air, 'it's heal and toe, heal and toe. Just walk normally – stop dragging my feet!'

'I can't work normally,' he says, 'not when wearing these torture implements you women call stilettos!'

'You have to get this right – I wear stilettos everyday. People will be asking questions if I turn up in ballet flats.'

'Alright,' he sighs, stamping one of Cuddy's feet, 'I'll try really hard to walk normally and make your ass sway in that hypnotising way. You sit on said ass for most of the day anyway – shouldn't be a major drama. Can we move on to me now?'

'Alright,' Cuddy says, eyeing the clock.

Twenty minutes.

'Good,' House says, displaying a wide smile on Cuddy's face, 'Greg House, 101 – aka: lessons in being cool.'

Cuddy rolls House's eyes.

'Under no circumstances should you iron my clothing, shave my face more than once a week, eat with my mouth closed or say please or thankyou.'

'Great – pearls of wisdom,' she says in House's trademark tone of sarcasm, 'have any more deep insights?'

'Right so you think you know me well enough to carry this off, huh?'

She rolls his eyes again. 'Breast jokes – usually targeted at me, wise cracks about Chase's hair, Forman's racial heritage, Cameron's moral certitude and Wilson's failed marriages. Insult and assault patients, damage hospital equipment, skip clinic duty, blow the hospital budget and stir some litigious activity to threaten mine and the hospital's reputation.'

'Ah, nice summary, but you've forgotten one important thing…'

'Which is…?'

'My job.'

'Which is….?' she repeats, a playful grin appearing on House's face.

'Ha, very funny. But how are you going to handle it when you've got a whiteboard full of mysterious, mismatching symptoms, a patient circling the drain, and three wide eyed young docs staring at you for answers?'

'Consultation,' she says simply, 'we're still going to be doing our own jobs, only there will be certain…restrictions on us, so we will meet in my office regularly to discuss our next moves, step by step.'

House displays an unattractive, sceptical expression on Cuddy's face.

'What, you thought I was going to trust you to run the hospital?' she asks.

House stands straight in Cuddy's body and confidently places her hands on her hips.

'Yeah, and you thought I was going to trust you to be a real doctor?'

'Ouch,' she says mildly, 'you got me in a soft spot.'

'So,' House says, raising Cuddy's perfectly plucked brows, 'we're going to be spending hours and hours together in your office. People will talk, you know a great majority of the staff already think we're boning each other?'

'People will talk…' she responds, 'if you suddenly lose the ability to solve mysterious cases, and I suddenly let the hospital fall apart. We have to be very careful, this is serious House.'

'I know. But I'm finding it difficult to take this seriously since we've swapped jiggly bits,' he says, cupping Cuddy's breasts and kneading them in a circular motion.

She cringes in disgust and glances away.

'You know, I've always wondered if these were real,' House says, 'I thought they had to be implants – too perky and firm. Now I know for sure, you're one hundred percent woman!'

She releases an unimpressed sigh and gestures to the stairs.

'Come on, we need to get you dressed.'

'Oh can I pick the outfit?!' he says, widening Cuddy's eyes.

'No, I'm not going to work dressed like a transvestite, or a hooker.'

'Well in that case, we'd better go out and buy you a whole new wardrobe!'

………

Cuddy hooks House's cane over the handle of the door and limps forward slowly to open her closet.

House, who in a matter of hours, has taken to his new, able bodied status, bounces frenetically across the room, and pushes past his own body to access the contents of the bureau.

'Where do you keep your delicates?' he says, quickly rolling out draw after draw.

'Its true,' she says, 'men never mature beyond the age of fifteen.'

'Come on Cuddles,' he says, 'every girl knows that the right outfit starts with the right underwear.'

'Basic black should do for what I have in mind,' she says.

'Bingo!' House exclaims, finding the draw.

'I don't think you have basic anything,' House replies, snatching handfuls of satin and lace in vibrant colours – cerise, aqua, indigo, and tossing the tiny undergarments over Cuddy's shoulder onto the bed.

'Here,' Cuddy says, shuddering with arousal at the sight of House's large hands and nimble fingers lifting a simple black thong and underwire bra.

House ignores this offer and continues to rifle through the draw.

'Leopard print!' he exclaims, 'I knew it, you naughty girl. Got anything crotchless?'

'No!' Cuddy exclaims loudly, startling herself with the volume of House's deep voice.

'Oh this is delicious!' House says, 'I'm going to want to touch myself – you, rather, all day long.'

'Keep my hands off of me!' Cuddy says, snatching a red lace camisole from her own hands.

'That's a little hard to do,' House replies, running Cuddy's hands over her hips before caressing her breasts again.

'Here,' she says, holding out the black underwear set, 'just go into the bathroom and put these on.'

Cuddy regards the wicked smile dancing across her own face.

'Oh god,' she says, 'you're going to have to…'

'Relax,' he replies, 'I'm a doctor, there's nothing I haven't seen before.'

He turns and skips towards the bathroom. With a thought, Cuddy propels House's body forth to grip the arm of her own body.

'Wait,' she says, 'just get changed here. It's certainly nothing I haven't seen before.'

'Yeah,' he says, 'but not through those eyes!'

With this comment, House swiftly pulls Cuddy's white cotton nightgown over her head and discards it on the floor – leaving her body standing in nothing but a pair of white cotton and lace panties.

'Wow!' he exclaims, looking down, 'ah…gah….'

Cuddy watches herself staring at her own breasts – hyperventilating.

'My god this is weird!' she exclaims.

'I'll say – but it's great, I get to experience what it feels like for a girl.'

He laughs, 'Your body is arouses, you're all we….'

'Alright!' she exclaims, striding towards her nearly naked body as quickly as House's leg will allow her to, 'hurry up and put this on,' she holds the bra out to him again.

He stares blankly before furrowing Cuddy's brow.

'I've only ever taken them off,' he says.

With an exasperated sigh, she unhooks the bra, inserts one of her arms through each strap, turns her body and hooks the clasp shut between her shoulder blades. She turns her body again, and adjusts each breast to sit neatly in the cups.

'I've just had a thought…' she says.

House lifts Cuddy's head, momentarily tearing her eyes away from her breasts.

'I don't trust you,' she continues, 'we're going to have to nominate a house, and live together.'

'Mine's closer to the hospital,' he says.

'Mine's larger,' she contends, 'more space – I have a guest bedroom.'

'Mine has tivo,' he says.

'So does mine.'

'Mine is in close proximity to the Happy Panda.'

'Pfft,' she says, 'you want Chinese? The Luck Dragon is one block over – best wontons in town. And anyway, you certainly won't be filling my body with deep fried duck on a regular basis.'

'You're no fun Cuddy. You know, you'd be less bitchy if you splashed out once in a while.'

'I have more friends,' she says, ignoring this comment, 'more people to see, so we have to stay here.'

'Ah – but that might be a problem,' he argues, 'more explaining to do – what if I misbehave?'

'Shit, you're right.'

'Wilson's the only one who ever comes to my place – and he's a push over.'

'Then what will I tell people?'

'Tell people you have termites – you're having the place fumigated and you're staying in a hotel room that isn't conducive to entertaining guests.'

'Alright,' she says hesitantly, 'we'll pick up my stuff – well your stuff really, this afternoon, but right now, we have to get to work.'