Ghosts

Chapter One

Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters.

Note: This story is set after Exodus, season 3. Watch out for spoilers up to that point, and expect that this will become AU as time goes by…and as the 'real' BSG universe continues on its own path.

Synopsis…Kara tries to readjust to live on the ship, but is haunted by dreams that shake her sense of self. She realizes these dreams must be confronted, but the steps she must take will jeopardize the life she is trying to reclaim.

Starbuck allowed herself a moment to enjoy the silence. Switching off her coms, she floated in the nothingness, seeing only the vast expanse of stars in front of her. In the weeks since the exodus from New Caprica, she'd done what she could to readjust to life with the fleet. But it was hard. She could feel herself becoming more and more isolated, craving solitude while at the same time cursing herself for once again destroying everything that had been good in her life. Most notably Sam. She'd needed space. Now she had it.

In the overcrowded atmosphere that had descended on Galactica, Kara Thrace was doing everything she could to avoid people. Every moment she could claim as her own she cherished. In these moments her thoughts more often than not drifted to Kasey. She knew the child was fine, had been keeping tabs on her from afar. She'd accepted as best she could that she was not Kasey's mother, and never had been, and rationally there was some relief in that knowledge. But there was a part deep down that mourned that relationship. Kasey had been in her life for such a brief time, but she had changed everything.

Starbuck could see the console flashing wildly, a sign that they'd realized her coms were off, and they were signalling her to turn them back on. This was a routine CAP. There'd been no cylon activity since the exodus, and she was bored of the nonsense chatter from the pilots. Where once she had found comfort and a sense of belonging, now she felt as though she was on the outside looking in.

Kat was the CAG. Kat had stayed while Starbuck had deserted the fleet in favour of married life on New Caprica. She'd re-upped once they'd fled the planet, but was content for the moment to take a place in the ranks of viper pilots, and leave the leadership in the hands of the rescuers. She could take no credit for their escape, she could not share in the stories of the occupation told again and again in the mess hall. She'd lived a different life during that time, one she had not fully disclosed to anyone. Not even Sam. Instead she'd pushed him away rather than let him in.

She flipped the switch, and immediately the bird was flooded with Kat's voice.

"Gods damn it Starbuck, respond!!"

"Sir, I must have had a malfunction with the coms…all I was getting was fuzz, but I seem to be reading you loud and clear now." Starbuck's voice was calm but the secret thrill she got from hearing the frustration in the CAG's voice was very satisfying.

"Just magically fixed itself, I'm sure!"

"Can't explain it, Sir, I'll be sure that have the Chief check it out." Starbuck couldn't stop the grin from spreading across her face, anymore than she could hide the way the CAG's voice set her teeth on edge.

"You're done for today, Starbuck, head back in. We'll handle it without you, we've done a fine enough job of it so far."

That one stung a little, but she refused to take the bait. Not today.

"Yes Sir! Good hunting." Starbuck somersaulted the viper in a 180 degree turn, and bee lined it back to Galactica.

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"See those cylons in the air …See those cylons in the air….Watch their metal burn and tear … Watch their metal burn and tear…"

Starbuck's head was under the viper, again. She listened to the forced cheer in the voices of the pilots as they chanted the song. It was somebody's thousandth landing. She didn't even know whose, that was how disconnected she was from the group. She hadn't heard that song since the accident had claimed 13 of their number during Flattop's thousandth landing. She wondered how many of them singing now even remembered Flattop.

Everything was different. She pushed herself out from under the viper, wiping her brow. She looked over at the celebration, at the young man being pushed around on the cart. She heard the laughter and saw the smiles and wondered at people's capacity to compartmentalize their emotions. Once, in what seemed like a different lifetime, she'd known how to do that. She'd smiled through pain more times than she could count. Now she seemed to have misplaced that particular skill.

Of course there had been a lifetime, not too long ago, in which this type of celebration would have been instigated by her, when some of those very same pilots had looked to her for leadership, for an example to follow. She'd taken that for granted then. She appreciated it now, and missed it a little. Not that she wanted to have that responsibility right now, but she missed being that person. She missed knowing that strength.

She hadn't even known they were planning this particular event. Nobody had thought to tell her.

Looking over, she realized Kat was staring back at her. The CAG's face was hard, and she was doing nothing to hide the disdain. Kara was not interested in a discussion about the coms right now. She could be reprimanded just as well later. It was time to make herself scarce. That was a skill that she had in spades lately.

As she stood, preparing to make a break for it, she felt a hand on her shoulder. Turning, she found herself staring into the face of her husband.

"Kara, I want to talk to you. You can't keep avoiding me like this!" Sam's face was tense and sad. It had been three weeks since she'd ended things between them, three weeks of making she didn't walk into a room until he'd already left. She'd been doing a fairly good job of it.

"We've said all we need to, Sam." With a sad sigh, she shrugged off his hand. She couldn't meet his eyes.

"We haven't said anything at all. Look, you needed a break, time to readjust, I get that. But its been weeks, Kara. I've tried to give you space, but you are still my wife!"

"Yeah, well, I might still look like your wife, but trust me when I tell you that person doesn't live here anymore!" A little heavy on the dramatic perhaps, but she was speaking the truth. It was as close as she'd come to explaining her feelings to anyone since the exodus. "I meant what I said, Sam. Leave me alone."

"I don't understand this, Kara. We were all on that frakking planet, and we all have demons to face with what the cylons did to us. Your experiences may have been different, but we were all prisoners in one way or another. You need to talk about it, let me help you get through this! I love you, baby…let me love you."

She knew she was shaking, mostly out of anger.

"You don't know anything about what I went through on that planet, Sam."

"I know I don't, because you won't talk to me about it! Help me understand, Kara. Even if you still want me to stay away afterward, help me understand why it is worth throwing away our marriage? Don't you realize that it doesn't matter to me what he did to you? Nothing that happened down there would make me change how I feel about you."

It was almost pathetic. She was looking him square in the face now, and small bubbles of hate were rising up inside of her. Why did she feel this need to hurt him? To lash out. She tried to push the waves of anger back down. She turned and started to walk away from him, trying to make it off the flight deck before she exploded in front of everyone.

He followed her. She knew that he would.

"I'm not going to give this up, Kara. Not this time. Talk to me!"

As they turned the corner into the corridor, she slowed to a stop. Controlling her voices as best she could, and without turning back to him, she took a deep but shaky breath.

"You think he raped me, is that it?" Her voices was quiet but hard. "You think that I'm worried you won't want me if I confess it?"

"Kara, nothing will make me stop wanting you." He was touching her again, trying to turn her face to his, with his hand on her chin. She wanted to gag.

A slow, terrible smile spread across her face. She gave in and turned to him.

"Sorry to disappoint you Sam. He never forced me. Said he wanted me to love him, and that he only wanted me if I came to him willingly." She watched his face, watched him turn that over and over again in his mind. Part of her wanted to leave him wondering, wanted the doubt to grow and grow until he couldn't take it anymore.

"Kara…" His voice was barely a whisper.

"Ask me Sam. Go ahead, I'll tell you…but you have to say the frakking words."

"Did…did you?" He was avoiding her eyes now. She had taken him further than he'd been prepared to go. In his worst nightmare she doubted he'd let himself think of that scenario.

She saw something in his face then that genuinely took her by surprise. He might not have allowed himself to imagine she could willingly give herself to a cylon, but now that she'd planted the seed of doubt, it had more than taken hold. He didn't look scared of her answer, he looked sad, as if her answer was a foregone conclusion. He believed she'd done it. It answered all his questions about her behaviour, it explained why she was avoiding him.

She'd meant to torture him with the suspense, but now she just wanted to hurt him. He actually believed that she would do something like that.

"He'd given me Kasey, Sam. He'd created a family for me. I had to make a choice, and I'd finally given up hoping the whole frakking nightmare was going to come to an end. So yes. Yes Sam, I did." It was a lie, from beginning to end. But it solved a lot of her problems at this point.

He didn't say a word. He dropped his eyes to the floor, as his shoulders slumped. Defeated, he turned and walked away in silence.

Aloud, to nobody but herself, Kara said, "Frak you all!"

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The wind is strong, almost strong enough to hold her up on its own as she leans into it. Looking around, she realizes she is in a clearing, a small grove, surrounded by trees. There is no opening, no way out of the clearing. Part of her wonders how she got there in the first place.

From beyond the forest she hears voices. A soft chanting, melodic and familiar, but just far away enough that she can't hear the words being sung. The sound fills her with a mixture of dread and hope. She is not alone.

The sound of branches breaking behind her makes her jump. Twisting around quickly, she tries to focus her eyes, but the clearing has suddenly become grey and cloudy. She no longer sees trees, now she sees darkness, empty space. She is inside the cockpit of her viper. Still the voices chant.

She punches at the control panel in front of her, trying to silence the sounds. Looking out at the blackness in front of her again, she realizes that she is in a flat spin, out of control. She knows that she should be doing something about this, but she can only concentrate on the chanting. The spin will have to wait.

Then she is not in the viper anymore. She is back in the grove, this time standing next to a raptor. The clearing has grown, but it remains oddly the same. And now she knows she has been there before. This is Kobol. The trees have an old, knowing feeling. This is the dead planet full of life again. Home but no longer home. She has always been here, and now she knows she can never really leave. The planet is not done with her.

The voices are getting louder, but she still can't make out what they are singing. It is haunting, and she realizes she is crying.

"Kara"

She turns, and sees Kasey.

"Hon..?" The child is the same, but not the same. She is still a baby, but her eyes hold a century of wisdom.

"You have to come, Kara."

"I'm not your mother, Kasey. He lied to us." The small blond head tilts to one side, and the child continues as though she has not heard her.

"You have to help us, Kara."

"I could have loved you, baby. I wanted you to be mine. I never realized how much I wanted you to be mine until you weren't"

The child looks at her, and Kara's heart breaks again. It is not sadness on Kasey's face, it is frustration. She understands that she is letting this child down, but she cannot remember what it was she was supposed to do for her.

"Starbuck."

And it is his voice she hears now. Kasey's face disappears, the child's body becomes clouded in mist, and then is gone. She feels him behind her, feels his breath on her neck.

"It isn't the end, Starbuck. We have a lot left to talk about."

She will not turn around. She knows his face will be more terrible here, in this place, than her memories have allowed it to be. Here, he will be more real than the groves, than Kasey, than the Raptor.

"We have been wasting time, Kara. We are meant for more than what we have been so far. I'm waiting here, I'll wait for as long as it takes. I know you are coming. I have the light, Kara. You will come back for the light."

She opens her mouth to speak, but finds that no words will come. The air is being sucked out of her, as she struggles against it.

With a gasp, Kara is awake. Her chest pounds and she struggles to breath, and even as she swings her legs out over the side of the bunk, she can still feel his breath on her neck. It wasn't the first dream she'd had about Leoben. Since leaving Caprica, she'd often woke in a sweat, bits and pieces of the nightmares left in her head, usually of that dungeon she'd been kept in. She was plagued with the fear that she was still there.

This one, though, had been different. It was not fragments that stayed with her, she remembered every second, every sound, every breath. And it had not been New Caprica. It had been Kobol.

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