April, 1995
New York City
My Dearest Mati,
It has been three weeks since I arrived and I am still befuddled by this wonderful city. People are always moving so fast. No one seems to have the time to just sit and talk. Today I took my lunch in a bag and ate in the middle of a park near Zadro's apartment. Nice to sit and breathe under a tree for a change. We are currently sharing his place with three other people. They are all actors and are all have jobs at the moment. Zadro says this is pretty unusual. I find myself tiptoeing around them as they sleep during the day and am alone in the place at night. It is interesting to help them rehearse their scripts. They are convinced that I am an actor in disquise. Zadro tells them about my performance in 'Hamlet' in college and I tell them that my mother thought I was good. They think I should try out for parts. I tell them my accent would make it difficult to find stage work. One guy is doing Shakespeare in the Park. He says they pay people to carry spears on stage and say nothing. Now that's the kind of part I could get!
I am hating this waiting around for my license to be approved. Today I went to the hospital and simply sat in the waiting room of the ER. It is amazing how long people wait for care here. It was also hard to just sit there and not treat people. I don't think I can do that again. I am thinking of taking a job in a nearby restaurant as a waiter instead. It will give me something to do and I can practice my English. Do you think that would be a bad thing...for a doctor to be waiting on tables?
Please give my love to Tata. I know he was disappointed that I decided to come here after all. And also Zoran and Andro. Only you seemed to understand that I needed to leave Croatia to find my life again.
Your loving son,
Luka Kovac
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April 1995
Sibenik, Croatia
Dearest Luka,
You must not worry about your father or what your brothers think. In his mind he has lost a daughter and grandchildren that he loved...and now his eldest son as well. In time he will learn that you will find something that is missing in your life, and bring it back home to us...to him.
Your life with Zadro and his friends sounds very busy but I hope you do think of finding something else to do with your days. We did not raise a son who would choose to be sitting around. Working, even as a waiter, would put you among people to watch and talk to. You have learned that any job is an important job to be done.
Andro is traveling for work once again. Valerija plans to fly to his workplace and spend the week with him soon. They are leaving Javor and Viktor with us, as usual. Zoran is excited as he can spend time working on his nephews' soccer skills without his big brother whining about his sons learning to do something more useful with their time. The boys are only seven and eight years old! I have three sons who are a doctor, an engineer and a teacher and soccer coach. I don't remember being so worried about how they spent their play time. I am just happy that they are all healthy and have become good men. They all have something to give back to this world
You are a good man, Luka. I know that being here had too much for you to remember...to think about. I also know that you will come home again. When the time is right and you are ready. Well, Tata is waiting to drive me to the clinic for another appointment. I mustn't keep him away from his painting for too long!
Much love,
Mati
Amara Lucilija Kovac
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June 1995
New York City
Today was a dark, dark day, Mati. I was looking at a work schedule calendar and suddenly saw that it was Marko's birthday. How could I have forgotten that? Is being so far from home cleansing me of things that I want to remember? He would have been six years old. Old enough to go to school and old enough to be playing soccer for Zadro. I didn't know what to do with myself so I called in sick to the restaurant and went to the park. I just sat in the grass and remembered.
Remember the day that my son was born? You came to the apartment to take care of Jasna for us and I got mad at you for sitting so calming taking tea with Danijela and her mother. You were all so confused that I would be so mad. I can still see Danijela - in active labor - looking at me so innocently with her dark eyes dancing with laughter. She loved to tease me. It was all okay. We got to the hospital on time. And he was so big and so very healthy. You are laughing now because you remember how we told you that he was howling even before he was completely out, aren't you? How different my children were. Jasna was so dainty and feminine (like you) and Marko so robust and strong. Sometimes I remember Jasna best when I think of you holding her in your lap. I think she would have looked exactly like you, Mati, had she grown into a woman. That helps me to think that. It gives me a picture of what my daughter could have been.
I know for Marko's birthday Danijela would have baked him a special plate of his favorite cookies, or maybe a cake. We would have gone to the park together. I would have kicked a soccer ball around with him and swung him high when he scored a goal past me. He would have squealed with laughter and we would have rolled in the grass...all four of us. Even Danijela. We had a good life. I am angry that God would take it from us.
Luka
June 1994
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Sibenik, Croatia
Dearest Luka,
Do not be sad or angry that you had forgotten Marko's birthday. Tata and I went to church and I lit a special candle in rememberance of him as well as candles for Jasna and Danijela. I was glad to hear it. You must find a place to put those dates and those memories so that you can find other paths in your life. Someday the joy you had with your children and Danijela will serve only to whet your appetite for wanting it again. I am glad that you spent your day in the park. It is good to be out among people and the world that God has given us.
Do not blame God for what men have done, my son. There is a reason for everything. Sometimes it is hard for us to find that reason but there will be a time when it becomes clear. War .famine. sickness. God is there for all of it...even if it's just to hold our hands as we go through with it. He was there for you too, Luka, even if men were not. You have to believe that.
I am having surgery in a week's time. There was a small, tiny lump in my breast and they need to remove it. Your Tata is frightened but I am not. I have a wonderful doctor. He has given me a good prognosis. And people are fussing over me like they have never done before. Perhaps that is the good thing. Today your Tata even did the dishes! Have you ever seen him do that? Seeing him with his hands immersed in that hot pan of soapy water, concentrating as hard on getting the spots off as he does in getting the colors right in a painting, made me fall in love with him all over again. Your Tata is a good, good man, Luka. He has given me a wonderful life and three sons to be proud of. You are all like him.
In my heart,
Mati
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June 1995
New York City
Dear Mati,
Should I come home?
Your loving son,
Luka
June, 1995
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Sibenik, Croatia
Dearest Luka,
Absolutely not. I have so many people to help me and do for me. Everything is fine. It's just a little lump. You must stay and find your life. Besides, it pleasures me to read and hear about your adventures in 'the New World'.
Love,
Mati