Story of my life
Searching for the right
But it keeps avoiding me

I thought I had it. I really did. Ron was mine, forever it seemed, he loved me, I loved him. But then, there was Harry. I'd always felt something for the raven-haired man, but Ron…Ron was safe. Ron had boundaries, love, strength. Harry…wasn't safe. Harry was limitless, raw passion, adventure. He scared me. And enthralled me. And one day, it just seemed too much.

Sorrow in my soul
Cause it seems that wrong
Really loves my company

We saw it. Or, I saw it. He already knew it was there. His green eyes burned into mine one evening over the campfire, during our hunts for Voldemort. I knew the passion that burned in him, that blazed in me. Ron was oblivious. Or keeping himself from the truth. We gave in. Harry was my first. We each found our respective excuses to go into the woods. And there, we made love. He filled me more then I'd ever thought possible. And then Ron was the next day. It didn't feel the same. It felt…tame.

He's more than a man
And this is more than love
The reason that the sky is blue

Harry wasn't more man then Ron. He was just a different kind of lover. And I wanted both. So throughout the battle, we met, talked, kissed, and made love. Guilt followed every step I took, but I ignored it. I loved the danger of getting caught, and at the same time, I hated it. I hated and loved Harry, whereas I just loved Ron.

The clouds are rolling in
Because I'm gone again
And to him I just can't be true

Depression stalked me. I'd cry for no reason, though my friends attributed that to the stress. I couldn't look at Harry without my heart screaming at me. You idiot! it was saying. You have Ron! But Ron wasn't enough. Not for the addiction that had taken hold. I was addicted to Harry, even though it became apparent he was not as dependant on me. He was dating Ginny. That, alone, threw me into more guilt. Not only was I unfaithful to my own man, but I was causing my lover to be unfaithful to a great friend of mine. I felt dirty.

And I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying

And then I noticed it. The look in Ron's eyes whenever I left to "scout" or to "explore." The hurt, anger, and the love that he couldn't rid himself of. I knew that he knew of us. I knew that he couldn't, wouldn't leave me, that he loved me too much. I would cry after making love with Harry, I would wash myself, as though the water washed away every sinful guilt on my body. But I was stained, dirty, unclean. It hurt to touch Harry, hurt worse to touch Ron. But I couldn't rid myself of the addiction.

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
A murderer

I didn't want to do this anymore. I didn't want to need Harry. I didn't love him as anything more then a friend. We didn't make love, we had sex. Ron and I made love. I knew I was hurting Ron more and more, I could see his want to leave me, but he need for me. I couldn't keep doing this to him , but the addiction…it was too strong. To overwhelming. I hated Harry. I hated myself.

I feel it in the air
As I'm doing my hair
Preparing for another date
A kiss upon my cheek
As he reluctantly
Asks if I'm gonna be out late

Ron kissed me gently, and I felt the wetness of his cheeks. He'd been crying. I felt my heart breaking, once again. Another already tiny piece shattered. If I didn't stop this, all of me would be dust, scattered into the wind. He asked if I'd be scouting long. Robotically, I said no. I asked if Harry was staying. He said no. Damnit, but I wish he was. I wish, for once, Harry would say no to me. I'd scream, I'd cry, but I'd thank him for it later.

I say I won't be long
Just hanging with the girls
A lie I didn't have to tell
Because we both know
Where I'm about to go
And we know it very well

As I disappeared into the shadows of the woods, I paused and turned to watch Ron. He thought I'd kept walking, and I watched him pull up his sleeve. Oh my god… There, on his arms and wrists, were little cuts, some red and swollen, others old, scabbed, some even reduced to scars. I counted. Thirty six.…Thirty six scars. I thought for a moment. He'd known for thirty-six days about Harry and I. We'd been at it for longer, maybe about forty, but he'd known that long. I saw him take out a blade, and forced myself to watch as he drew it across his skin, forced myself to watch the blood ooze out. Every time we went, he did this to himself. It was only a matter of time before he drew it across his main vein. Ten minutes and he'd be dead. No, I whispered. No.

Cause I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying

I felt tears flow down my cheeks freely. Ron loved me that much. He'd rather die then live without me. I thought for a little while. Did I feel the same? Suddenly, I felt the answer in my heart, head, and soul. Yes. I did love him that much. I needed him. I needed my safe place to hide, the warm chest to bury my head in, the sweet kiss, the gentle touch. I needed him. I needed to free myself, to free Harry. I knew Harry felt just as guilty as I did. I knew he wished that I would, for once, not show up. I felt myself begin to shake. Did I have the strength to do this?

Our love, his trust
I might as well take a gun and put it to his head
Get it over with
I don't wanna do this
Anymore

I didn't want him to do this. I didn't want Ron to cut himself, didn't want Harry to be imprisoned by me, didn't want to be imprisoned by Harry. I might as well just kill Ron now. Kill him and save him his pain. Of course, I wouldn't. I felt my body's needs fight with my heart. I felt my mind justify my actions with my soul. I was torn to shreds. I knew what I needed to do, but I was afraid. So afraid to loose control over the one thing I had control over, Harry. I needed this power, during the so many times I felt my life spin out of control, out of my grip. But love…love was free, blissful, happy. Was I willing to sacrifice that for lust? Power? Greed?

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
And everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
And I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
A murderer.

No, I whispered. I can't do this to him… I watched him put the knife on the log next to him. He was prepared to let this bleed until we came back. Every moral in me rose up and flashed in words of fire behind my eyes. I needed him. I wanted him. I loved him. And so, I stepped out of the shadows into our campsite. Ron jumped, and then turned sad, deep brown eyes onto me. I knew that by standing her, between Harry and Ron, I could choose. I could go back to Harry, and thus loose myself, all for a small bit of power. Or, I could run into Ron's arms, hold him close, and free Harry and myself from the shackles we'd put ourselves in. I trembled, feeling every impulse fight what I needed to do.

Ron saw this. Ron saw how insecure I was, how weak I was. He stood and went to me. I grabbed his arm and looked down at the bleeding mark. I said softly, You're bleeding. He smiled sadly and said, I know. I looked at him and murmured, Let me heal it. He tilted my chin up to look at him. Only if you'll promise one thing, he whispered. My eyes shone with tears as I answered, What? What is it?

What he said next changed my life forever. Ron took the arm that wasn't bleeding and wrapped it around my waist, pulling me to him. Let me heal you.

And I did.