It's another chapter! I done good on my really super incredibly long hiatus.
Anime Questions Answered (!!)
QUESTION: Why are fangirls so…odd and what causes their attacks?
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InuYasha was in Kagome's time waiting for Kagome to get out of school. That's right; for once, she actually went to school for an education! Isn't that funny? Just to think of woman getting an education. Ah…classic…
He sat there, innocently, licking a lollipop with little birds, butterflies, and bunnies hopping, fluttering, and flying around him. The sun shone down on him and smiled because, obviously, the sun has a face; it also has sunglasses, even though it shouldn't see its own light. Everything was pure and innocent.
They moved quickly and silently to catch their unsuspecting prey (hint: their prey is InuYasha, just in case you don't know) off guard. InuYasha should have been suspicious the moment the scary music played, but he ignored it. Then, he ignored all the birds, butterflies, and bunnies dying, running away, or going insane. He brushed off the sudden ominous dark clouds and took the thunder as mere weather: the fool.
When he finally decided it might be a good idea to check behind him, it was too late; he was surrounded and trapped like an animal. In this case, he was trapped like a HALF animal. Get it? He's half dog-demon, so he's half dog. It's funny: laugh.
"No! It can't be!! Nooooo." The fangirls attacked and sucked him downwards into their creepy arms. "No," InuYasha shouted as he disappeared into the swarm of evil.
Miroku was waiting by the well. Sango and Shippo had left because they were bored. Miroku, however, was very interested in spying on InuYasha and Kagome. Yes, that was the ye old version of pornography. Sadly, he never got that particular form of entertainment because…they attacked.
He looked up shocked and alert as THEY surrounded him. "What? Oh-oh my god. It's the face of evil! SANGO HELP!"
"Tehehehhe Miroku-Kun."
"Sweet Jesus," he gasped, "poor use of Japanese! I'm going to die here."
"Miiirrooookkkuuu-Kuunnn." They pulled him down into their evil glomps of evil, evilness.
Walking slowly, Sesshomaru continued down the road alone. He had left Rin, Jaken, and Ah-Un in the forest. This would prove to be his downfall.
"Sesshomaru…" He turned around at the whisper. The way it sounded was familiar: very familiar. His eyes widened.
"Fangirls," he whispered simply.
They all jumped out. Sesshomaru, hoping to destroy enough of them to escape, used his Poison Claws and Whip of Light all the while humming an intense, action-scene music track. Every day he put up with this! At least he got to kill innocent, unattractive females.
But they weren't destroyed by the poison. "What is the meaning of this?!" Sesshomaru asked, exasperated and a bit freaked out.
A fangirl named Sesshy's Stalker FoEvA smiled and explained.
"My love, for only 1,206390x807530 easy payments of .95, we all get Feeble-Attempts-At-Escape B-Gone! Your attacks only help to double our fangirl strength, Fluffy!" Sesshomaru began to cry.
"Nooo!!" he cried desperately. The fangirls attacked.
Naraku sat anxiously underneath a tree. He had heard rumors of a fangirl outbreak and was awaiting them. Soon, soon there would be millions! He imagined all of them, screaming his name, attacking him, trying to rape him, and/or chain him to their beds… Yes! Then he saw one.
"The first of many," he noted with a dark chuckle.He braced himself for overwhelming love and felt an incredible amount of…nothing.
"OMG! WTF? BBQ!?" he yelled as she ran past him. "I'm right here!"
The fangirl (Jakie's Baby) screamed and waved her arms. "Oh muh gawd It's Jaken! I Heart U!" She glomped him.
Naraku began to sniffle. "N-nobody l-lov-loves me." The fangirl shot a look saying, "duh" but mostly, ignored the living hell out of him.
Bankotsu was hunting for dinner. Jakotsu, who was away from him for once, was probably weaving flowers into deadly poisonous necklaces again. What an adventure THAT was. To take advantage of the shemale-free quiet, he had gone off alone.
As he ignored the peace, he heard a twig snap uncharacteristically too close to him. His eyes narrowed. "Show yourself."
Naraku popped his head out. "Shhh." He stepped out from the trees into the clearing, wearing tight leather chaps and a spiked collar. "Run. They are coming."
Bankotsu understood and began to run from them: fangirls.
The fangirls appeared. Naraku smirked and took a step closer to them. "Yeah I know you ladies totally want me and my sexy bod', but please control yourselv-" They ran over him without a thought.
"BANNY-KUN!!"
"LET'S GET MARRRRIIIEEDDD!!"
"Have sex with me, my snuggle bear!"
Bankotsu was carried off, screaming.
Naraku's eyes were large and watery. "B-but what about me? Hot Topic won't let me return this now that I've worn it!" The fangirls had attacked and trampled.
Kouga was running along, surveying his territory, and getting ready to visit HIS Kagome. You know, she's totally property, he owns her, and such. Then (gasp!), he saw Naraku.
"Naraku, what the HELL are you wearing?!" Naraku rolled his eyes. It was sooo obvious.
"A man thong underneath black, tight, leather ass-less chaps. Duh."
"Oh, oh my god. I'm gonna be sssicckk." Kouga ran off, fighting his gag reflex. The fangirls began to sprint after him. Their powers of obsession gave them speed; in fact, they were so fast that they were catching up to Kouga.
Naraku licked a finger, touched it to his "bare" buttock, and made a hissing noise. "I'm HOT, and you know you want it!" he proceeded to purring and smacking his own ass.
The fangirls stoped and stared, their mouths open wide.
"Run girls, run! It's that Monkey Guy!"
"AHhh KOUGA PROTECT US!"
"Come back," Naraku called to their retreating backs as they ran from him, "Please call me stupid names (besides Monkey Guy). Love me!!"
Kouga ran from Naraku's chaotic outfit and unknowingly, the fangirls, while the fangirls ran from Monkey Guy and chased Kouga.
"W-why!?" Naraku cried as it began to rain, only on him obviously. The fangirls had come, attacked, and ran.
Suikotsu was out gathering herbs to clean and heal wounds. Why Jakotsu liked to run through the woods until the tree branches' whippings made him bleed, Suikotsu would never know. He turned a corner to look for more lavender (It made Bankotsu smell so calming and fresh!), when GASP! He saw flashing lights, a runway, a pole, and…Naraku.
Naraku dressed in six-inch (15.2 centimeter) stilettos and boot-ay shorts was attempting to slide down a pole.
"Trying to be loved again?"
Turning to Suikotsu, Naraku nodded with tears in his eyes. Suikotsy gavea kind smile. "Naraku you seem to crave love and attention…Did your parents abuse you?"
Naraku sighed and looked away. "It all began when I was five…"
FLASHBACK FLASHBACK FLASHBACK FLASHBACK FLASHBACK FLASHBACK TIIIMMMMEEEEE
Little Narry-kun was skipping along licking his over-sized lollipop, when…crash!
"Oh no! Sparky broke mommy's favorite vase!" Sparky the Rabid Demon ran off, leaving Nary-Kun with the mess.
"Naraku! That's it!" his mother prepared for the worst punishment of all punishments ever to punish in the history of punishing.
"No mommy! No not a wet willy! Noooo…"
BACK TO THE PRESENT BACK TO THE PRESENT BACK TO THE PRESENT WE GOOO
Naraku began to sob. "I-it was like that until I was sixteen and left home. I lived on the streets, gave up my body for money to strangers…I shopped at discount stores for clothes." Suikotsu's face took on a pained expression at the thought of Naraku wearing something worse than stilettos. "I never got over it," Naraku admitted.
Suikotsu replied, "This doesn't mean they don't love you, but it seems the situation has made you desperate for love and attention. But fangirls? That's despicable." Suikotsu spit in his face and walked off, ignoring Naraku, leaving him alone. Then, he heard them again.
"OMG! Suikotsu set up a stripper pole! Let's make him use it!" Not caring how desperate he seemed, Naraku pole-danced, making intense eye contact for seductive purposes.
"Purrr," he purred.
"Oh he got a cross dresser to make us laugh," one of the fangirls called out.
"How sweet of him!" They began to laugh, except for some of them because it's rude to laugh at someone's life choice, and it's cool to be a cross dresser…as long as people can tell if you're dressing as a man or woman.
One of the girls began to s cream. "It's not just a cross dresser! It's the Monkey Guy!"
"RUN, TO ESCAPE HIM, AND CATCH SUIKOTSU!" They all ran after the fleeting Suikotsu. Naraku began to chase them.
Then, suddenly, InuYasha, Sesshomaru, Miroku, Kouga, Bankotsu, and Jaken came into view. Millions upon millions of fangirls traveling in separate packs merged, forming the most evil alliance ever.
Their common goals were 1) escape Monkey Guy and 2) Get their BABY BOYS!!11#Q!!1two.
The sexy men ran seductively into Kaede's village, screaming loudly with their stalkers and Monkey Guy following. As they ran slow mo for dramatic effect, beads of smelly sweat dripped down their hard, defined muscles and through their body hair. Their faces were all split with screams of agony and terror. If anyone were a sadist, it was hot stuff and quite the show.
"INU HONEY!"
"No not the ears, not the ears.Noooo!"
"This Sesshomaru is displeased."
"Ohhh Talk more third person to me baby!"
"AAaagahhhhh!!"
"Ohhh my Banny is a man of few words…sexay!"
Suikotsu merely continued to run, and Miroku sucked his thumb. (Was that a rhyme? Run and thumb? It sounds kinda like it if you say it really fast.)
They quickly reached the village, and InuYasha launched himself into Kagome's arms.
"Scary!" he said. She made calming, hushing noises, and gave him his blankie.
"I know, I know. Shhh it's alright now."
Sango began to bandage Miroku. He was too weak and exhausted to grope her, so she did a strip tease while nursing him. It was the best day ever for her. The control and power was exhilarating.
Rin was picking flowers for Sesshomaru to burn and destroy. It was like his own little secret stress reliever.
"Red tulips? How did you know, Rin?!"
Then Naraku saw the fangirls glomping Bankotsu, Suikotsu, and Kouga. There was still a single fangirl in Jaken's case.
"TAKE OFF KOUGA'S SEXY SKIRT!"
"This is a loincloth thank you, and it's worn by all powerful leaders of my clan!" Surrreee.
"Tehehe You're soooo –continues for five minutes- funny Kougy! Trying to hide your love of female clothing by mentioning your tribe is hysterical. Hehehe."
Naraku looked over at Sango lovingly touching Miroku's ass. "Oh Sango you knew what I really wanted, all along!"
He whipped his head around (Like Ace Ventura in "When Nature Calls") to see Kagome kissing InuYasha's boo-boos all better.
"My ears kind of hurt."
"All better?'
"My finger does."
"Now?"
"My cheek hurts."
"Ok?"
"My inner thigh aches a little."
"Don't go there."
Naraku began to sniffle. "EVEN JAKEN HAS A FANGIRL!!" He threw himself to the ground, banging his fists and kicking his feet. The fangirls stopped their Unrequited PDA to stare.
"Monkey Guy, you're scary."
"Please force feed me a banana! Make me act like a circus monkey with symbols! Strip me of my dignity…and clothes! LOVE ME!" he continued to cry. Then, unfortunately, he began to sing. "One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do/Two can be as bad as one/It's the loneliest number since the number one." He forgot the rest so he added on, "But I'm still only at one because my number of fangirls is NONE!" Nice rhyme, poor English.
The fangirls sighed. "We don't go for men that sing horribly and are confused about their gender."
Naraku stopped singing. "Oh no you didn't!"
Everyone minus Naraku and the fangirls snapped their fingasz. "Oh we went there, took some pictures, and posted them on myspace!"
"BURN! BUURRNN!" Everyone "raised da r00f yo." Naraku stood up glaring.
"Never ever make fun of my karaoke!" Then Naraku used his secret weapon. "Go Michael Jackson-mon! Use Moon Walk! …No. Bad Michael Jacksonmon!"
Michael Jacksonmon was chasing Shippo.
"Wow that was pathetic, so we're going to continue our glomping now." The other girls agreed and turned to the despairing men. Naraku began to scream.
"That's it! Now it is time for my ultimate secret weapon! Let's go Catsinheat-ialozilamona! MWAHHAHHAHAHA….haha…ha…ha…ha…" the cats were busy hissing, looking for legs to spray on, and other cats. It got really messy when they found the legs and other cats.
Naraku sighed. "Ultimate evil secret weapon, go Country Music," he said in a monotone voice.
The music began slowly, but built up to fulfill its stereotypical expectations. "Lost my wife. Can't get laid. My dog ran away. My daughter likkkkess women! Truck broke down, too broke to get it fixed. God, beer, fast banjo, and fiddle playin!"
Naraku was the only one not on the ground in agony, begging for mercy; he had build up an immunity from his visits to his redneck relatives. The giant earplugs helped.
Suddenly, Michael Jacksonmon stopped chasing Shippo. This gave Shippo long enough to climb into a tree and begin crying. "HOOWWLLLL," Michael Jacksonmon howled. Naraku gasped.
"I forgot! Country music attack and young boys are his only weaknesses! I have to stop the music…but I must cause pain…" He began to ponder.
"Hiiissss," hissed Michael Jacksonmon. Then he did that weird crane position that is either funny yoga or weird eighties karate.
"Ahhh No! …what is he doing? ….Noo I don't want to hear about what hurts the most!"
"Oh no peekatcho, it's his ultimate attack! Change Colors Spin!" cried Naraku to his random over-sized mouse.
"Peekatchoo!" cried Peekatcho as he looked up Kagome's skirt.
"No, Peekatcho! No humping! Bad Peekatcho!" Naraku sprayed Peekatcho with a water bottle.
"Blacktoalbinowhite!" Everything began to move slow-mo. Naraku tapped his foot impatiently.
"I have a two o'clock hair appointment, and I will NOT be late again! It is soooo rude." Time sped up very quickly all of a sudden, and everyone turned black. That excludes Shippo because Michael Jacksonmon likes him some white chocolate!
And yes, Naraku was never loved.
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ANSWER: It's simple really; the characters are sexy, and they're sooo easy to kidnap. I mean who wouldn't want Sesshomaru calling them muffin? Or perhaps, Kouga rubbing their back? All that and more could be yours, when you become a stalker fangirl who tends to attack!
But if you're not a fangirl, don't try to get any fangirls. They prefer to carry you off screaming, not moaning.
Well, tell me what you thought, and I'll improve or continue what I'm doing.
Love love love,
TMA