Disclaimer: Final Fantasy XIII, Final Fantasy Versus XIII, and the Fabula Nova Crystallis saga is copyright Square Enix. GameFAQs is copyright uh...itself? I guess.

Introduction: Anytime after 12AM seems to be when I get my inspiration for these type of stories. After being surrounded by the same dreck on the GameFAQs/Spot FFXIII boards, I decided to write this parody to vent. This is the first (and last) time I write a story for a game that isn't out yet. The only reason the fic is in this section is because there is no XIII section as of yet (not that I expected one).

And now, I present to you, the first and last entry of the Fabula Nova Claudius saga...

Final Fantasy Claudus XIII

Chapter 1: Making the World a Better Place

The Final Fantasy XIII trailer has just completed across several hundred thousand computer monitors across the globe. A collection of screaming and groaning can be heard from the outer reaches of space.

"I'm not sexist or anything, but girls in video games like, totally suck. Unconnectable!" Complained GameFAQs Fanboy #1.

"i agreee," concurred GameFAQs Fanboy #2, "ffx2 had gurls 2 and it suked, so a gurl in ffxiii means it sux 2!!" He declared in an impressive display of simultaneously raping the English language and all numerical systems. Despite the fact that what he said resembled no intelligible language on Earth, his colleagues had no problem deciphering his message.

"FFX2 sux!" Another fanboy cried. The bandwagon quickly filled up as several hundred fanboys gathered together chanting "FFX2 sux! Gurlz suck! FFX2 SUX! GURLZ SUK!!1"

The moronic, repetitive chanting of the e-sheep spread far and wide, dripping through the barrier between fiction and reality before finally reaching the fictional world of Final Fantasy XIII Land, where a familiar, nameless heroine performed her duties for the 150th hundredth time aboard a highly advanced transit system.

"I really wish they'd finish the game, or at least release a new trailer so I wouldn't have to repeat this every day," she muttered, defying gravity by twisting her body in midair and delivering a few shots into the face of one of her many opponents. "And perhaps giving me a name would be nice too."

"At least they don't call you 'emo,'" Final Fantasy Versus XIII's protagonist whispered from his lonely throne.

"Shut up emo. I wasn't talking to you, so stay in your own game's world," she snapped, knocking one of her opponents into the lighting system above her head with a powerful sword uppercut after the scene had changed.

Her routine of kicking ass was interrupted by the abrupt blaring of "GURLZ SUK!!1/"

"...the hell?" She stopped, as did her opponents, including the rabid dog things with the neon claws.

"FFXIII IS GOING TO SUCK!!"

Nameless Heroine scowled. She had heard about the angry fanboys, but this was the first time she was subjected to the stupidity herself. "No sir, I didn't like it," she said to herself. Discontent with being stuck listening to their nonsense, she concluded that there was only one thing to do, which was the thing she did best: kick ass. Using her powers to manipulate time and space, she did not continue whipping her opponents around, but instead created a wormhole to another world. Leaping through it, she slid through the barriers of fact and fiction, landing into the one place where suck and fail coexisted on a daily basis: the internet, or more specifically, GameFAQs.

She brandished her new age gunblade towards her 3 opponents, expecting them to do the same. But they didn't. They stared at her in awe.

They were hot for her polygonal body.

"NO WAI! gurlz dont exist...!1" GameFAQs Fanboy #2 squeaked in disbelief in Nameless Heroine's powerful presence.

"What the!? COOTIES! Girls suck! FFX-2 sucked and it had girls! That means girls suck, so you're making your own game suck! Not that I'm sexist or anything," GameFAQs Fanboy #1 added in his own defense.

"Why couldn't you just be another damn effeminate white male?" GameFAQs Fanboy #3 whined unpleasantly. "I mean, I know they look like girls, but Square Enix had no right to replace them with a REAL girl!"

Nameless Heroine rolled her eyes, realizing just what kind of idiots she was dealing with. She flicked her wrist as the gunblade switched from sword to gun mode, then jumped upside down through midair in slow motion, mowing down each fanboy with rapid gunfire. Because her attacks had to be flashy.

When she landed, she tossed a charged fireball from her extended hand, charring the bodies that had already been riddled with bullets with a variation of the Fire spell (Firaga, perhaps, but the burning bodies were writhing too much to contemplate this). She posed with the gunblade in sword form again near her head, and blinked as the camera panned in on her face with lights. Her job was done...or so she had thought, for the evil Electronic Arts bot was her next opponent.

"Your body may be hawt but your motions are NOT. I rhymed, lol," The EA bot guffawed at its own joke.

Nameless Heroine chuckled at the irony and smirked. She leapt into the air, determined to make the first attack. But then the PS3 playing FFXIII froze and the Sony rep pretended nothing was wrong.

To be continued...?