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MEANT TO LIVE

Chapter 6-Makes me wonder

James ran as fast as he could, he had to get to the entrance hall before Lily and Ben left for Hogsmeade. It would be impossible for him to talk with Lily once she got into the carriage. Hell he wasn't sure how it was going to play. He was completely aware of how dangerous it was to try, but somehow he couldn't stop himself.

He had been so stupid, and he had plenty of time to say something, anything. She gave him plenty of chances, and every single time he only pushed her further away. He only hoped it was not too late. But on the back of his mind he could not help and wonder if it truly was.

When he finally made it. He started to search frantically looking for the red hair to stand out in the crowd. It was full of couples, some of them kissing, other just talking, and a few nervous looking at their dates.

He finally caught sight of her, at the same time Lily looked at him. Ben had his back to him, but Lily's gaze didn't falter. She was looking straight at James. Now that he was finally facing her, doubt entered his mind. He could see the look on her face, she was too easy to read, at least for him she was.

He took a step forward, and he could see her lip tremble. James smiled brightly, like he hadn't in months, like he did when he was with her, and from the look on her face he just knew it wasn't too late. He took another step this time with more confidence. One deep breath, and he nodded at her.

Lily's eyes watered and something in her stomach fluttered. And she was afraid, no terrified. But she was also hopeful, it seemed forever for him to take the third step in her direction. She wanted to scream at him to tell him to hurry up, she wanted to run into his arms. But for all she knew this could be a figment of her imagination, the walking James could be an illusion. She shook her head opened and closed her eyes. And he was still there.

Two steps and Ben would acknowledge his presence.

One. Lily held her breath.

"James!"a high pitched squeal followed by blond long curls blocked her view

"I've been looking for you. I thought you were waiting for me in the common room….."

"I know, I just" he shoved her aside gently, he needed to talk with Lily. But the odds were not on his side. She was gone. He saw her climbing up the carriage followed by Ben.

He didn't hear a word Audrey was saying he was too numbed to care. He watched her leave, and it broke his heart. Not only because his chance was gone, but because of her face looking back at him.

She wanted him to catch her, and he had ruined it.

Again

"I don't understand what you are still doing here?" Remus sighed when James had finished telling him what had happened on Valentines.

"She and Ben are together. I can't do that" James murmured. "It's selfish, and unfair and ."

"Moronic" Remus cut him off "But you're all of those things.."

"She deserves better" James muttered.

"And we keep running in circles" Remus said exasperated "You have to make up your mind."

"You mean if I love her or not" James got smacked literally for that comment.

"Love her. It's pretty obvious you do. What I mean is do you want to be with her or not. Simple as that."

"Simple as that" Remus snapped "You can't possibly be that thick headed"

"What?!!! Why can't you understand?!" James yelled "Didn't you just hear a word of what I said"

"Yes I did, but I don't see your so called logic" Remus countered. "How breaking Lily's heart is going to be good for her "

"It's not breaking her heart. It's sparing her the suffering. It's literally saving her life" James frantically said " Lily is falling in love with me.."

"And that's usually a good thing."

"No, it's not. It's the beginning of the end. Don't you see. Lily falls in love, I already love her. We leave school, get married and we get killed. My family is a target, the members of my are dropping dead like flies, just this summer my cousin Tom lost his wife Justine. Guess what she was. A half blood,. Lily's a muggleborn….

"Lily is destined to be great, to be happy, to have the best. And I would give her anything in the world, but the one thing that I can't is love her, not when it endangers her life"

"You don't know.."

"I do" James was stubborn. The door opened, and Sirius came in grinning but stopped when he saw both of them.

"Simple as that" James repeated "You're right"

"You are going to talk with her?."Remus inquired thinking he had finally gotten through him

"No, I can't" James said resolved "I love her. I love her too much" Remus only shook his head, but decided to leave like that. Maybe time could knock some sense into his head.

"Are you ever going to stop?"Lily asked seriously.

"I don't know. Are you?"Sirius countered. Lily laughed and took another sip of her firewhiskery "Touché"

"You won't" Sirius answered her "I will"

"And you figure because..."

"She's dead and well last time I checked James was pretty much alive" Sirius explained pouring more firewhiskey into his shot glass.

"Pretty and alive" Lily giggled "My kind of man"

"Sometimes I do forget, for a couple of hours, I just forget. But then when I remember and I realize I forgot I feel worse" Sirius said his voice getting shaky.

"She would want you to be happy"Lily said placing her hand on his. "She really loved you"

"She really did. Didn't she?"Sirius asked smiling wistfully. Lily nodded, and pulled his head into her lap, passing her finger throuhg his hair softly.

"Do you really believe it was an accident"Lily asked after some minutes.

"No" Sirius said and a tear escaped "It was no accident"

Sirius glanced at his watch. He was late. He ran faster, stupid James he had to run quidditch practice late. It wasn't his fault he was a fool and had ended things with Lily. But well they would figure something Liz could talk some sense into him. They could plan something tonight. That was if she wasn't too mad because he was late.

Detention with Slughorn was never fun. And she wasn never in a good mood after it. Hopefully tonight was the exception He defientely was crossing his fingers. Just when he was about to reach the dungeons for Potions, he saw Slughorn coming out of the apothecary.

"Mr. Black" Slughorn greeted "Ms. Stern is almost done." Sirius stopped not sure he should follow or just wait.

"Or maybe she already is" He said loudly "Let's go and find out" Sirius smiled and followed his professor.

Slughorn was too busy talking about the next gathering he was planning he opened, the door and there in the floor,white as the snow, the life in her eyes gone, his Elizabeth was lying. Before he kneeled and touched her skin, he knew she was gone. He knew she was dead.

"I didn't think so either" Lily whispered back. "A heart attack at such a young age"

"I just don't know where to star..."

"I don't either" Lily assured him "But we'll find a way"

"Things are heating up with you and Claire" Sirius patted his back "About time"

Remus blushed slightly "It's not like that"

"Dog" Peter snickered.

"Shut up Peter, don't tell me Melissa and you only hold hands" Peter blushed more profusely than Remus and closed his mouth.

"You're all whipped" Sirius laughed "Even little Jamesy here and her lovely Eve"

"I thought you were with Audrey" Peter said

"Not anymore, she was stupid" James said not looking up from his book.

"Eve is a ravenclaw" Sirius explained "Boooring"

"Shut up" James said throwing him a book "I really like her"

"Yes Padfoot shut up" Remus warned him.

"So what about you and your mistery lady?" James asked closing his book and taking off his glasses "And don't even try to deny it. You've been coming in late all the time, and fridays you stumble here druk as hell"

"There's no girl. You moron" Sirius laughed "I 've been with Lily"

Silence filled the room, and everybody looked at him expectantly.

"We've been talking about Liz"

"Oh" James said relieved.´

"Wow"Peter said

"Yeah..we're mourning I guess" Sirius said carelessly. "Anyways, I'm late for my date with Minnie. I shouldn't keep the old woman waiting or there will be hell to pay" Sirius exited the room, but Remus caught with him when he was in the living room. He ushered him outside into the portrait.

"Moony, what?" Sirius said when they were finally alone

"Be careful" Remus advised "With Lily, with what you're doing.."

"She told yoU? Huh??" Sirius asked. Remus nodded

"I told her it was not wise, but you both are stubborn, just promise you'll be careful"

"I promise"

"If there's anything you need. Im here"

"Thanks man" And with that he left. Remus waited until he was out of sight and sighed. He wasn't sure how to deal with this, he thought of telling James but decided not to. How bad things could go. Surely it was just another phase of their mourning. They wouldn't find a thing. Or could they?

No.

Her death was an accident. Lily and Sirius just needed to accept it.

a/n: it's here, one month, not years. hopefully i'll keep the one month steady rate, and if i can i'll try to rush it, but baby steps for now. don't quit on me now, i can't still believe how many reviews i got, im so happy, elated. this is full of mistakes. but hopefully it can be read. sorry for that, i need a beta but that would only mean more pressure and less updating, so anyways here it me know what you think.