A/N: No, I don't own them. If I did, ER would not be a Luby right now...Mandi, you know what I'm talking about. :P
A/N: This is the saddest, most tragic, most angsty piece I have ever written. I can't tell you exactly what inspired me to do it, only that I've had this idea for a long time and now seemed like as good a time as any to write it. I want to say a special thank you and dedication to Kate Taylor. Thanks for letting me use your words as inspirations for my own. I do hope that I have done your poem justice.
A note for those who aren't up to date on Carter family history: Bobby died of leukemia when he and Carter were children. He was Carter's brother. You'll see why this matters later in the story.
With that said, let us proceed. Feedback is much appreciated.
Title: I'll Be There
Poet: Kate Taylor
It was cold. That seemed to be the only thing she was aware of: it was cold. The bitter wind bit at her exposed hands and face, bringing its unforgiving pull of sorrow with it as it rolled over her. Snowflakes were falling, and even as she lay there, helpless, she could not help but note how beautiful they were. How could she not? There was nothing else for her to live for, nothing else that she could notice. Perhaps this was how it was. Perhaps when one is waiting to die, the simple things like the beauty of a snowflake see to matter so much more.
The pain had subsided long ago. Or maybe subsided wasn't the right word; she couldn't move for she knew that would hurt, but if she lay there perfectly still, as she was doing, the pain was not…as severe. She was numb to the pain, numb to every feeling except the wondrous lust she felt towards the simple beauty of the snowflakes.
But she wasn't truly numb to the pain: maybe she couldn't feel the physical pain, but the emotional pain was almost unbearable, and nothing – not even the snowflakes that were now falling harder – could take that away.
She knew she was going to die.
When the world is dark and cold
and sorrow takes its hold on you
Dr. John Carter trudged through the deep snow, his feet dragging hopelessly through the winter…wonderland wasn't quite the right word. Snowflakes rained down from the sky, pelting down on the woolen hat he wore on his head. His deep brown eyes were narrowed in worried thought; his moves were frantic, although the snow forced him to move slower than he would have liked, given the circumstances. The wind blew horribly around him, its icy fingers trying to grab at his throat.
"Abby!" he shouted into the billowing wind. The wind carried his frantic voice, throwing it into oblivion. There was no response. Carter looked around him: all he could see was white. "ABBY!"
He was getting desperate. He had been searching for nearly two hours and there had still been no sign of her. He knew that the rest of the staff members were not having any more luck; he couldn't even be sure where they were, as he had lost them long ago. Two hours…the words moaned in Carter's head. "ABBY!"
I'll be there...
Shouting was futile and Abby had learned that long ago: shouting after Maggie, begging her not to leave again had never worked as a child. Here was no different. Abby knew that no one would be able to hear her over the bellowing wind. She had resigned herself to her fate; she was going to die. She had known it from perhaps the first time she felt the agony of the blade piercing her skin. It had pierced her again nearly 20 more times before it had retired; she had collapsed after the first five.
Of course she had screamed during the attack, but her assailant had been smart enough to drag her far away – too far for anyone from County to hear her painful agony. He had finished with her, and then left her there to die. He had been silent through the attack, but Abby had seen enough to recognize him.
It was Paul Sobricki.
Knowing who the assailant was didn't help. By the time she had registered the face with the one she had seen over three years ago, she was only half conscious and barely able to comprehend much more than pain. It wouldn't matter that she knew her attacker: she already knew she wasn't going to live much longer. She gave a shuddering gasp that shook her frail body.
No one was coming for her. This feeling was not unfamiliar to her, but not even Abby could resign herself to the feeling of utter hopelessness that settled in immediately following. Even knowing that she would die did not help to ease the pain. No matter what she told herself – or anyone else, for that matter – she could not take this alone. She built a façade around her. It was supposed to be her fortress: it was supposed to keep the pain from entering. It had been ripped apart by the blade of Paul Sobricki. She knew that she was not as strong as she let others believe and the thought of dying alone…
It was almost too much to bear.
When all hope feels like it's gone
and you think that death has won
He had to find her. He had to help her, protect her, do whatever he could to save her. Carter was so worried about her; his stomach felt clenched in a permanent knot. He could not bear the thought of her, lost somewhere in this desolate place. Carter blinked the snowflakes out of his eyes and pressed onward hurriedly.
Carter squinted through the snowflakes. He could barely make out what could be a body, a huddled mass on the ground. He sped up, forcing his feet to break through the snow at a quicker, more frantic pace. He fought his way through the snow towards a thicket of trees.
Hair. Brown hair.
Abby has brown hair.
The realization sank in with a sickening jolt. Carter pressed forward more urgently, stumbling through the snow to get to her. He gasped at the sight that met his eyes.
The snow around him was white, but beneath her, it was a deep, blood red. Her white doctor's coat – the only thing she had shielding her from the frigid temperature – was soaked with blood…her blood…Carter made a desperate push forward and fell to his knees beside her.
I'll be there...
Abby felt something heavy fall next to her, but she didn't have the strength to see what it was. She was already half delirious from blood loss and the cold. She suddenly felt something on top of her. She struggled to see what it was and found herself looking at…Carter?
Tears filled her eyes as she looked into his. They were so pained, so worried, that she felt the last of her fortress collapse around her as she looked at him. Tears spilled down her cheeks; though she had known she would die, the look on his face was unbearable – more unbearable even than dying alone.
"Abby, we have to get you to the hospital."
What he had said barely registered at first. Abby could think of nothing except the pain lined in his face.
"Abby, please…You're lost so much blood. You're going to die unless I can get you to Country. We're not far, I can carry you…"
Abby shook her head, tears falling faster down her face. "Can't…" she sobbed.
Carter shook his head rigorously, refusing to believe it. "Yes, we can, Abby," he insisted. His voice cracked. "Please, don't do this. I can carry you…please…"
"I won't make it," she whispered. Carter opened his mouth to protest, but Abby cut him off.
"I would rather die here."
Carter closed his eyes; Abby could see the truth of the situation crash down onto him. His shoulders drooped and Abby feared her would break down completely. Tears were still streaming down her face, and she knew the pain she was causing him by refusing to go to the hospital. But she already knew she would die. No miracle in the world could prevent it.
Carter looked up slowly, and then he said the unthinkable.
"I will be here with you when you die."
When there's no tears left to cry
You've wept until your eyes are dry
Carter could barely even look at her. He knew she could see how much pain her words brought him, but she was unrelenting. He could tell she was having just as much trouble accepting her fate as he was, but he knew he had to be strong for her. She needed acceptance, not reprimands. He knew she was right and that she would probably not live to make it to the hospital.
That killed him.
She was dying: she was dying and he couldn't save her. Carter couldn't tell if it would be the blood loss or the hypothermia that would get to her first, but he knew that his thick coat that he had thrown down on top of her might not be enough to save her. She was already so pale…she was trembling beneath the coat…Her face was drawn and her eyes were only half open. The snow was melting into her hair, soaking the brown strands with snowy water.
"Why are you…doing this?"
Her whispers brought his gaze to her eyes. "I can't let you die alone."
I'll be there…
Carter reached out his hand and found hers beneath his coat. He stroked it gently, trying to comfort her - her and himself. Dying had never been something Carter could come to terms with, not since Bobby's death. He was haunted by childhood memories of calling for his brother in the night, wishing that he could save him.
But he couldn't.
He couldn't save Abby either. All he could do was throw down his coat and that was barely enough - it wouldn't be enough to stop her from dying. Carter hated that he couldn't do more for her. He hated himself for letting her die. He knew that she didn't want to leave, but that didn't make it any easier.
He was selfish for wanting to keep her alive, but she meant a lot to him. He could not believe that this was how it would end for her. It wasn't fair.
Life isn't fair.
When the shadows hide the light
and you feel as though you've lost the fight
Abby couldn't figure out why he hadn't left yet. He was stroking her hand, rubbing his thumb over her raw skin. She knew he must have given her his coat: she could see the white sleeve of his white lab coat.
She couldn't let him stay with her; she would kill him too. He would freeze to death waiting for her to die. She could feel him shivering, his gloved hand shaking in hers. As much as she wanted him to, he couldn't stay.
She would not let him die too.
She had to stop him, had to tell him she wasn't worth it. She could not bear the thought of him leaving her, but the thought of him dying was almost more unbearable. She knew she had to stop him.
"Please…" she begged. He slowly brought his gaze to her face. Her voice caught in her throat. "Just please…leave…"
Carter shook his head. "I can't leave you here, Abby." He gave her hand a reassuring squeeze.
"Cold…" she whispered.
Carter pulled the coat up closer to her shoulders. Abby shook her head. "No…You're cold."
Carter shrugged. "I don't care."
It was futile. He was unrelenting, so stubborn, so horribly stubborn. He was going to die for her – not for her, with her.
"You'll die," she moaned.
Carter didn't answer right away, but brought his face closer to hers. He looked at her a long time before leaning down and whispering, "I would gladly die for you, Abby." She let out a weak sob. "I would die for you, and I'm not leaving."
I'll be there…
She was crying; he could see the tears slipping down her pale face. They were freezing onto her cheeks in the cold wind. Carter moved his hand to brush them away, but she only sobbed harder.
"I don't want to die," she sobbed.
Carter felt her words rip at his heart. She was finally shattering, finally allowing herself to realize that she was going to die. Whether or not she had known already – Carter suspected that she had – he knew that still nothing could have prepared her for the horrible feeling that had now sunk in. Her eyes were pleading with him to make the pain go away, to tell her that everything would be all right, even though he knew nothing he said would change anything. Even as she said it, Carter knew she knew he couldn't do anything about it, yet she begged him to anyway. It tore him apart that he couldn't lie to her, couldn't tell her it would be okay.
That wasn't what she wanted anyway, and he knew it. Abby wanted acceptance, acceptance of death – for both of them. She needed to know that he would be okay…that she would be okay…
But Carter could hardly pretend to know the secrets of death. Indeed, death was the mystery that had haunted him since childhood. He would never know the feeling of black abyss – if such a feeling truly existed – until he experienced it himself. He could not explain death to her, not in the scientific sense, as no one alive could do that. He could not prepare her for whatever she would have to face.
He couldn't save her again.
He couldn't protect her against that which he did not know.
The sun will shine again one day
and you'll see the path and find your way
Death was coming; Abby could feel it. She could feel her heart rate fading, her breathing slowing. She was unaware of any pain: she could feel nothing except Carter's hand on hers beneath his jacket. She could feel herself fading, falling into nothingness…into fear…into wonder…
But not yet.
She was terrified of what would happen when she died. She had never experienced death before; it was obvious, she knew, but it was the truth. She was afraid of the unknown. She couldn't fall into the shadows, heading blindly into that which no one knows. She was not that kind of person.
She felt Carter's breath on her cheek again and she opened her eyes slightly to look at him. She saw him shake his head.
"Don't worry, Abby," he whispered. "I will take the fear away: just listen." She closed her eyes again as he began to whisper in her ear above the roaring wind.
"I don't want you to die afraid, so I will tell you what Bobby told me before he died. I remember asking him if he was afraid to die. He said he wasn't afraid." Carter's voice wavered, but did not break.
"He was so young, Abby, and I was so shocked by his answer. I asked him why. He told me he knew that he would be safe there, and that people would always be watching over him. He told me…He told me that I would be there." Carter's voice broke. Abby could hear him sobbing, but she knew that the story wasn't over yet.
Carter continued softly, "I thought about what that meant for a long time. I think I finally figured out what he meant. He meant that no matter what happens, we will never forget the people that we love and that those that die never truly leave behind the people on earth. As long as we remember you, we will be with you in wherever death takes you."
His sobs were almost too much for Abby to bear. She squeezed his hand weakly, knowing she was not the only one that needed comforting. He squeezed her hand tightly as Abby felt herself fading for what she knew to be the last time.
I'll still be there...
Carter cried, letting his grief wash out of him. Bobby's story had forced him to realize what Abby's death would mean to him. She would be only a memory of his life now, instead of a reality. He could never forget her, like he could never forget Bobby, because as long as he remembered her, he knew she would not be alone.
He looked at her again. Her breathing was labored and languished. He brought his fingers to his pulse: her heart was barely beating. He knew this was the time; this was what they had been waiting for.
"Don't be afraid," he whispered. He wasn't sure if he was telling himself or her.
For through the clouds, there hides the sun
Her eyes flickered, but didn't open again. Carter knew he had seen their brown color for the last time long ago. "I'm…not…afraid…" she whispered.
and when it shines again,
In spite of himself, in spite of everything, in spite of the tears, Carter felt her words bring a faint smile to his face. At least they both knew she would die in peace. She would be unafraid and he could finally accept it.
"You'll…be…there…" she murmured to herself. Carter didn't hear her.
you'll know you've won
He felt her pulse fade away beneath his fingertips and her frail hand go limp in his. He knew that death had finally come to her, that she had passed on to wherever it was that people went to. He felt tears come to him again and he slowly leaned over her, kissing her gently for the last time.
Death had come, just as they had known it would.
It was cold.
And I'll be there...
A/N: I do not know when I will be updating A Miracle Happens Here. I can't even guarantee it before 2007.