Another one of my stupid humor fics. I just can't, can't, can't seem to do a serious ML fic. I'm just not capable of it. Dammit… just read the damned thing. I dun own any of Mistys stuff. Dun sue me.
Ladies First
"Van…"
"Stef…"
"Vanessa…"
"Steffanie…"
WHAT?!? Whoa here, slow down. Just tell me what's with the script? It seems Herald-Mage Vanessa and her lifebonded Bard Steffanie are busy right now, so let's fast-forward.
"I'm coming with you." Stef said firmly. "If I don't, who will perm your hair?"
Van sighed. "No, I couldn't do without that! I mean, I'd look just awful."
"Good. 'Cause I need a manicure."
~*~
A few days later, Vanessa and Steffanie were on their way north…
:Yfreds?:
Van said silently to her Companion.:What?:
came the distinctly masculine voice.:'Fred, do you have that feeling of… foreboding? Like something really bad is going to happen?:
:Something bad already has happened. There are no friggin' mares around here, dammit!:
:I mean worse that! Like the night when Tylendelle died…:
:You know 'Lendelle's death wasn't your fault.:
:But she-:
:Chosen, sometimes you can be particularly pigheaded.:
~*~
"I have to go, Stef." Van squeaked. "I'll hold them off."
"Oh, Vanessa-" Stef threw her arms around Van and burst into tears. "You go, girl."
~*~
Van could see the army coming forward, dressed in string bikinis and thin scarves, wiggling their hips and they went. A well-endowed woman came forward, all dressed in black.
"So, Herald-Mage Vanessa, We meet." She said.
"Learette," Van breathed.
"Don't you… want me?" Learette threw her hair back and pulled the strings on her leather jacket, opening it to reveal a skimpy bikini-top.
Vanessa's eyes glazed over as Learette stripped down to next to nothing. "I think I do." She said, and ripped off her shirt.
~*~
"Van." Stef panted, and slid off her horse. "Have to get… there… in time."
The alarm was sounded.
~*~
The men came to the canyon to see an army of seductresses and Learette and Vanessa sprawled on the ground, butt-naked.
"Dammit!" Van said, annoyed. "Can't you see we're busy?!?"
Learette got up slowly, and looked at her hand in horror. "I broke a nail!" she wailed piteously.
Steffanie came forward from the crowds. "Cheatin' on me, girl!" she yelled. "You- you- you whore!"
"Bitch!"
"Ho!"
"Slut!"
"You wanna fight, girl?" Stef said. "Your ass is so fat I don't think you could get up off the ground!"
"Oh yeah!" Van yelled, getting up. "When you step on the scale you see your favorite TV show- Beverly Hills, 90210!"
"And you're so fat, when you took your dress to the cleaners they said, 'sorry, we don't do curtains!'"
"You look like you're on a seafood diet, girl. Whenever your see food- you eat it."
"You're so fat your bellybutton's got an echo!"
"You smell like a hot ass on a cold day!"
"You so stank, you made Right Guard go left, Speed Stick slow down, and Ban come off strike."
Van stamped her foot. "Skank!"
Learette rubbed her eyes. "Uh," she said. "Aren't you supposed to die on your last strike?"
Vanessa turned around. "Oh. Yeah. 'Freds!" Yfreds trotted up. "'Freds, I gotta kill this Learette. On three- one, two, three!"
The End
My thanks to www.deeplake.com/jokes for providing me with ammo. (That's Yo Momma jokes). Pleez review!