Say It With Flowers by Henabrey

Part Three: Full Bloom (Scotty)

Once again, thanks to those who reviewed the last two chapters, your comments mean a lot to me. This is the last part - enjoy!

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Oldest story in the world: boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, boy gives girl flower, boy fucks things up royally by kissing girl when he shouldn't have, boy loses girl he never had.

So that's why I am where I am, in this lousy bar, gettin' drunk, and now the whole horrible sordid story is out in the open.

I'm not sure what to do next. Buy another drink, of course, but I mean after that. Tomorrow when I'm going to feel even worse than I do right now. Perhaps I ought to go home and start work on my request for transfer, but the alcohol has finally, blessedly started to go to my head and I'm not sure I could even spell my own name let alone long words like inappropriate and inexcusable, or even actions. I think actions has a 'k' in it.

There's a sudden draft of cold air as someone opens the door behind me. Another drinker, I guess, come to drown their sorrows. Come on in, the more the not-so-merrier. At least they'll give the bartender somethin' to do besides stare at me.

I would like to see Lilly and try and apologise, but she'd probably hit me. That's if she'd even agree to see me, which is doubtful. Actually, no. I don't want to see her, cause if I saw her I'd see the expression I know would be on her face, and that would just about break my heart.

So that's it. In the space of a few seconds, I've lost my friend, my partner, any chance at all I ever had of bein' more than a friend and partner to my friend and partner, and on top of that I have to think of somethin' to tell Stillman when he asks why I've got a sudden burnin' desire to transfer to the fraud squad. All I got left is my old pal Mr. Alcohol.

I'll drink to that.

I'm about to knock back my scotch in one bitter go when a hand descends onto mine, stoppin' me from liftin' the glass to my lips. I do my best to focus on it. It's a thin, delicate white hand. I know that hand. It's Lilly's hand. Why is Lilly's hand here in the bar? Is the rest of her here? I raise my eyes from her hand up her arm to her shoulder and then to her face. Yes, it seems all of her is here. She has that sweet, almost shy half-smile on her features again.

I must have dreamt her up. I've been thinkin' about her too damn much and now I'm imaginin' she's here with me. But no, the drunks and the bartender down the other end of the counter are starin' at her too, like they never saw a woman before. She's really here.

"Hi," she says, soundin' nervous.

"Hi," I say, shortly, turnin' back to face the bar counter. Now it seems she's here, I don't want to see her. There's a conversation and an argument and a cold shoulder comin' my way, and I want to put it off as long as possible. Funny, though; she don't sound angry.

"How much have you had to drink?" she asks, still soundin' nervous. Why is she nervous? Does she think I'm about to jump her again?

"Not enough."

"Can I drive you home?" she asks. The drunks are still starin' at her. They probably can't believe my luck, the only beautiful woman probably ever to enter this bar and she comes to talk to me. Wants to drive me home. Well, fellas, I ain't as lucky as I seem.

"I'm quite happy here, thankyou. I'd miss all the wonderful company," I say, about to raise my glass again. She still has her hand on mine, though, and she forces it back to the counter.

"Scotty, please. I want to talk to you."

Probably what she wants is to give me a black eye. But what the fuck. Be a man, Valens, get it over with. Get on with the rest of your miserable existence.

"Yeah, okay," I hear myself say, and lurch off the bar stool. Lucky she didn't get here two drinks from now, or she'd have had to carry me back to the car. As it is, I can stay upright without too much head-spinnin', although I wouldn't like to have to try anythin' faster than a snail's pace. I even manage to put my coat on, although she has to help me with the tricky right sleeve. She wraps my scarf around my neck, and she still has that half-smile on her face. Why isn't she angry? Why am I not on the floor of the bar with blood comin' out of my nose? And I still get goosebumps when she touches me, despite all the problems I've caused myself.

It's cold outside. Not winter-cold, but it feels like it's not far off. The chill does a lot to clear my head.

"I'm this way," she says, pointin'. "I parked at headquarters."

I find I'm able to walk quite well, considerin'. There are still people on the streets, workers lookin' for home, hookers lookin' for work, junkies lookin' for a quick buck to pay for a quick fix, homeless lookin' for somewhere to call home for the night. Did Lilly walk here by herself lookin' for me?

"You walked here by yourself?" I ask, and instantly want to bite the words back. Lilly doesn't need people tryin' to protect her.

"I'm a big girl, Scotty. They even let me carry a gun these days."

"These people got guns, too, you know. I'm just sayin'."

No, she still doesn't seem angry. She's even smilin' in my direction. Is that the Twilight Zone theme song I hear in the background?

"How'd you find me?" I ask finally, as we round the corner before Headquarters' car park.

"I went to your apartment first, but you weren't there, so I came back to work. You weren't there either, but your car was, so I figured you might be at a bar within walking distance. This was the second one I tried."

"Brilliant," I say. "No wonder they made you a detective."

That gets me a full smile.

We walk in silence a little while until another question occurs to me. "So...why were you lookin' for me?" Honest, I expected to never see her again, at least not see her smilin' at me, and here she is drivin' all over Philly lookin' for me not two hours since I trampled all over the little work/private life line she's got drawn for herself. Not trampled exactly, more like stamped and smudged it right out of existence.

It seems she doesn't want to answer me. She just smiles to herself and keeps walkin'.

Okay, then.

She's parked her car next to mine even though the lot is practically deserted. I'll have to catch a cab back here tomorrow. Should have thought of that and gone to a bar closer to my apartment, although then Lil would never have found me. She leaves me at the passenger door of her car and goes round to the driver's side, but instead of unlockin' it she stands and looks over the car's roof at me. It's partly the searchin' look she gives suspects when she's tryin' to get the truth out of them, part somethin' else I can't name. She seems to be decidin' to say somethin'. I wait for her to speak.

"I'm going to ask you something, and I need you to be honest with me."

"Okay," I say.

She still doesn't seem quite sure of herself. She looks down at the roof as she speaks. "Why did you give me the flower? Did you really just want to make me feel better?" Her eyes come back up to meet mine, and I get that searchin' look again. "Or was it more than that?"

Oh, God, I do not want to answer that question. "Say it with flowers, you mean?" I say, trying to smirk.

"You kissed me today, Scotty. I mean, what was that? Just some spur of the moment thing, something you'd never normally think of doing and you have no idea why you did it?" Her eyes were burnin' with intensity. I felt like she was tryin' to see right through my gaze to my brain to read my thoughts. "Or not? Was it something more?"

I stare back at her, not sure what to say. I'm tempted to lie and say it meant nothin', cause if I did then maybe, just maybe, since she doesn't seem mad, we could get back to normal. Chalk it up to the tough case we'd just solved and a moment of madness and maybe we could still be friends. And if I tell her the truth then I know it's going to get awkward. She maybe, maybe might work with someone who kissed her once, but someone with feelings for her is quite another story. It's temptin' to take the easy way out. But I told her I'd be honest, and I owe her the truth no matter how difficult it is to say.

"It was a spur of the moment thing, and something I'd never normally do," I say, and just like that her eyes get hard. It's like this glass wall just slammed shut. I've disappointed her, either because she thinks I'm lyin' or because...because...she wanted a different answer? Nah. I hasten to finish what I was tryin' to say.

"But I've wanted to kiss you since about two seconds after I met you."

The glass wall shatters. Her eyes just blaze all of a sudden, and I know without a doubt that that was the answer she wanted. I'm startin' to wonder if I'm actually passed out at the bar and all of this is just a hallucination.

There's a little clickin' sound and a couple of electronic beeps as Lil finally unlocks her car, and her remarkable eyes are suddenly gone along with the rest of her into the vehicle's interior. The cold and the walk over here in her company have done more to sober me up than a dozen coffees and a bucket of ice ever could and I have no problems openin' the car door, gettin' in and doin' up my seatbelt.

When I'm all done up I look over at her, try and see what she's thinkin'. Not that I ever have much luck with that, and now's no different. She's playin' with her keys, passin' them from one hand to the next like she ain't sure what to do with them. She still seems nervous to me. When she sees me lookin' she jams the key into the ignition.

"I never thought about it," she says, lookin' straight ahead at the wall of the parkin' lot.

Well, colour me shocked.

"Actually, no," she goes on. "I never let myself think of it. Most of the time. But sometimes I couldn't help but wonder..."

"Wonder what?"

She turns to face me, and if I hadn't already dodged a bullet tonight I'd kiss her, she looks so fuckin' adorable with this shy smile and a faint blush the parkin' lot lightin' is bright enough to let me see.

"What it would feel like to kiss you," she says, and looks back down at the steerin' wheel.

Well, now I am surprised. Okay, I know other women find me attractive - I ain't blind - but Lil ain't other women. She's all business when it comes to work, the last person I would've picked to even idly check out a colleague. And now I find out she's been thinkin' about kissing me.

Can't get carried away. Thinkin' of kissing me don't mean she wants anythin' else. She'd never let herself think of anything else.

"And?" I can't help but ask. Call me a typical man, but I like to know if I measure up. Even if it was a totally unexpected and unasked-for kiss, I'd like to know it was good.

But Lil ain't answerin' that. She just smiles and starts the engine.

We drive back to my place in silence, strangely comfortable given what's gone on between us tonight. Peak hour has come and gone and the streets are mostly uncrowded. There are sirens in the distance - another robbery, another rape, another murder, another statistic - and the hum of the other cars around us as we drive. Lil's a good driver; careful like she is with the rest of her life, and she don't drive too fast like I do. One of the many bad habits I got to break - stop drivin' too fast, stop losin' control of myself, stop tryin' to kiss co-workers in the evidence warehouse...

If I'm really passed out at the bar and dreamin' all this, it's one hell of a vivid hallucination. Everythin' seems real enough, from the familiar landmarks flashin' past to the people divin' in and out of buildings, cars and alleyways. There are stray dogs and stray teenagers and stray pieces of paper litterin' the gutter. It all looks the same as it does every night as I'm drivin' home, but different, because tonight I'm in the passenger seat and the subtle scent of Lilly's perfume permeates the air around me.

I could sit like this all night, but it's not long before Lil is pullin' the car into a parkin' spot right outside my crummy apartment buildin'. I gotta move some place nicer; I'm sure I could afford it if I worked out a budget. Lilly has such a nice house. One day I'll ask her how she manages to pay for it. Maybe cats don't need much spent on them.

The sound of a car door openin' gets my attention. Lil gets out of the car in one graceful movement and then leans back in, lookin' at me. "Coming?" she says. Somehow I hadn't thought she'd be goin' anywhere near my apartment tonight, and the confusion must show on my face cause she keeps talkin'. "I'd rather not talk where we can be seen, okay? Come inside."

Well, who am I to refuse a beautiful woman? I follow her up the stairs and through the building's dark interior to my apartment. I can feel her watching the way I walk, judging my sobriety. I guess she don't want to have a heart-to-heart with a man who won't remember it in the mornin'. I do myself proud; not only do I walk in a straight line but I'm quite sure I could pass any nose-touching, backwards-alphabet test a traffic cop could care to give me. Outside my door, I spare a moment to hope I haven't left any underwear lyin' around. I must be sober by now; I get the right key in the lock first time. Then Lilly is in my apartment.

Thank God, it's tidy; no underwear in sight. Lil don't seem interested in her surroundings, though, so maybe it wouldn't matter if there were. She's turned to face me and has that half-shy look on her face again. I probably look a little unsure of myself as well. Half an hour ago I was assumin' my night would end face down in a puddle of puke, and now here I am with Lilly in my apartment. And she's not even angry at me. There's a moment of somewhat awkward silence before we both start talkin' at once.

"I'm sorry," we say in unison, and laugh. I motion for her to go first.

"I'm sorry I ran away earlier," she says. "I shouldn't have done it. I was confused."

"Understandable. You just got jumped by your partner," I say, and she smiles. "And I'm the one who should be apologisin'."

She shakes her head slightly and looks down at her feet. I'm really not used to this Lilly, who seems so unsure of herself. "It was, uh, unexpected."

"It was sort of unexpected for me, too."

She smiles. "I wasn't angry, Scotty. I want you to know that."

"Just confused."

"Yeah. Confused." She's still lookin' down at her feet, one of them softly scuffin' my carpet. She's quiet for a few seconds, like she's making up her mind about somethin'. "We've been friends and partners for awhile now," she says, "and I thought I knew you quite well. But all of a sudden I realise I don't even know how you feel about me." Her eyes come back up to rest on mine, silently askin' a question.

Okay, okay, I can do this. Time to tell her how I feel. If I were going to be completely honest with her, I'd be droppin' to one knee and professin' my undyin' love for her. Well, there's honesty and there's honesty. Being completely honest right now is just going to make things seriously awkward. And what good would it do? I know she can't let herself be with me in the way I want to be with her, even if she has been thinkin' about me in ways I hadn't expected. And I want to keep workin' with her above almost anythin'. I go for the slightly-less-than-completely-honest approach.

"Look, I'll admit my feelings for you are more than they probably should be," I say. "But I know that even if you returned them you'd never consider actually doing anything about it." There's a flicker of something in her eyes at that, but it's gone before I can interpret it. "You wouldn't, would you? Your private life is private. I get that. I'm part of your public life. You got these walls a mile high keepin' those two parts of you separate." I give my head a small, sad shake. "I just can't see you ever lettin' them merge."

She looks back down at her feet, gives her head a tiny nod. "Yeah," she says, a word that sounds more like a sigh, and she seems almost reluctant. I know this is the part where she tells me that I'm quite right, she'd never even let herself think of bein' with me but hey, lets be friends. It's more than I expected earlier this evening, but damn, it hurts all the same. It's gotta be hurtin' her too, all this gettin' personal. It ain't somethin' she does often. I need to let her know I'm sorry for makin' her do this. If only she hadn't smiled at me when I gave her the flower. If only she weren't so goddamn beautiful...

"Lilly, I'm sorry."

Her eyes meet mine in a question.

"For kissing you," I continue. "It was way outta line. It shouldn't have happened. I'm sorry."

"No, I'm glad you did it."

What? "What?"

She gives this half smile and looks away. "Yeah, well. Like I said, I wondered."

Oh. "And now you know."

She shrugs. There's a faint blush on her face, like she's embarrassed by her admission. Well, I'm happy to have satisfied her curiosity, anyway. I just wish she was glad for other reasons as well. We stand for a minute, silent, avoidin' eye contact. I feel suddenly awkward, and by the look on her face so does Lil.

"Now what?" she finally asks. I look at her, surprised.

"It's up to you."

"No, you're the one who kissed me. You tell me you've got feelings for me. It should be up to you."

Except I thought we'd already established nothin' could come of what happened tonight...hadn't we? Maybe she means it's up to me if we keep workin' together. "If...if we could go back to the way things were before? I want to keep workin' with you."

There's a flicker of annoyance and what - disappointment? - that crosses her face. Hers is a damned hard face to read sometimes. Why couldn't I have fallen for someone simple and transparent?

"So that's it, then, is it?" she asks, and there's no missin' the sudden ice in her voice. "We just go back to being friends like nothing happened?"

"Isn't that what you want?"

"I want to know what you want," she says, after a hesitation. It was almost like she was going to say something else instead. She's starin' at me. There's a mute somethin' in her eyes, like she's askin' me for somethin' I don't know how to name. It's almost, almost, like she was going to say 'no' but wants me to say it first. But surely not...

Suddenly I can't speak above a whisper. "It's hard, being your friend."

There's a flash of somethin' in her eyes, somethin' like hope, there and gone in a second. She doesn't open her mouth, but her eyes speak volumes. Man, I am so confused. If this wasn't Lilly Rush I was talkin' to I could almost imagine...oh, fuck it. You only live once.

"Christ, Lil," I burst out. "I dream of you. Every night I dream of you and I wake up with your name on my lips. When you're not around I feel like part of me's missin'. I've had these feelings for you for so long I can't remember what life was like before you were there in my heart. I would give anythin', anythin', to be with you. I never wanted anythin' more in my life. And you ask if I just want to be friends? I don't. But I don't, I can't, dare hope for anythin' else."

She stares at me for an endless, silent moment, those wonderful eyes a whirlwind of emotion, boring right through me, and then in one fluid movement she brings her hands up to my face, steps into me and brushes her lips against mine. I'm way too shocked to kiss back.

She pulls away, but stays standin' close enough for me to feel her breath on my face. That proves it - I must be dreamin' this. No way that just really happened. Yet it still all seems real; unbelievable but true...

She looks a little stunned, like she can't quite believe what she just did, but then she smiles this shy smile and starts talkin'. I can barely pay attention: there's a sudden roarin' in my ears. "I drove around and around in circles tonight, trying to go home and forget what happened because that's the sort of thing I'd normally do. But then I realised that this time I didn't want to do what I'd normally do. I wanted to do something completely different. Because I have feelings of my own - for you. And I'm tired of being that person who hides behind walls all the time. I'm tired of being alone. I don't want to be alone anymore. And I'd like to be not alone...with you."

It takes a second, but then it gets through to me - everythin' I thought I knew about Lilly Rush was wrong. Really, two hours ago I thought I'd lost her friendship forever. I thought I knew exactly how she'd react to what happened. But I couldn't have been more off track. She has feelings for me. She wants to be with me. If this is an alcohol-induced hallucination, it's a cruel one.

Obviously I'm taking too long to answer; she seems suddenly hesitant. "If that's something you think you might be interested in."

I've never been more interested in anythin' in my life. "It is."

Did I say the smile Lilly gave me when I handed her the flower was great? That was nothin'. A mere smirk compared to the one she's giving me now. Please, God, let this not be a dream. I'm probably grinnin' myself but I can't tell; I'm too wrapped up in her to notice what my own face is doin'.

Obviously it must be doin' something weird because her smile turns into a giggle. I've never heard Lil giggle before. I'm enchanted.

"What?"

"You look like a deer caught in headlights," she says, the giggle turnin' back to a smile.

"Sorry. It's just that I keep getting the feelin' that I'm still back at the bar, passed out, and this is all just a very good dream. A hallucination."

If possible, her smile gets even wider. Then it disappears as she closes the distance between us. I feel rather than hear her speak against my lips before she kisses me. "Does this help?"

This is the third time today I've felt her lips on mine, and I don't think I'll ever be able to get enough of it. You know, I really don't think my imagination could come up with anythin' this good. This really is real. I can't believe my luck. I must have done somethin' really good in a former life to deserve this, but I ain't going to waste time thinkin' about it now. I got more important things to think of, like the feel of Lilly kissing me and her body pressed against me. One of my hands is in her hair and the other on her waist, under her coat. Nothin' separatin' our skin but the thin fabric of her shirt. Either she's really here and I'm really kissing her, or I'm making a fool of myself makin' out with thin air.

"It helps," I say when we finally break apart. I can feel her smile against my lips.

"I really loved the flower," she says, still pressed against me.

"I hoped you would."

Typical male, you'll say, but my thoughts are fast headin' south. In the space of a couple of hours, I go from she never wants to see me again to she wants to be friends to she wants to be more than friends to I want to be more than friends, right here, up against the wall. Sigh if you like. That's the way we men are made. The thought seems to have occurred to Lilly as well. She's blushin' faintly and breathin' quicker than normal, and from where I'm pressed up against her I can feel her heart beatin', hard and fast.

But instead of leanin' back into me, she moves away. Not tonight, Josephine, it seems. I'll try to be gentlemanly and not look disappointed.

"I should go," she says.

I nod.

"What are you doing tomorrow night?"

Tomorrow night's Saturday night, and I'd like to say I had a full social calendar - that I'd cancel to be with her, of course - but my plans involve a lot of television and little else. "No plans."

"Good. Pick me up at 7:30. We'll have dinner."

Okay, dinner. I can do dinner. Wine, candlelight, conversation, promises of more in the air...

"And later on you can hallucinate some more."

Oh.

"And then maybe on Sunday you can make me breakfast," she says.

Oh.

There's a wicked grin spreadin' across her face. Probably looks the same as the one on mine.

"Okay, then," I say.

If she says she's maybe goin' to stay the night, I'd rather it were this night, not tomorrow. I'm a guy, after all, and she's gorgeous. But it occurs to me I should probably take her out at least once before we go any further than kissing. So I'll just have to wait until tomorrow night, a century away by the feel of it. Probably just as well. I ain't a bad cook, at least when it comes to the simple stuff, but after the day and evenin' I've had burnt toast is probably about all I'm good for.

"You won't-"

"Run away again? No. I'm done with running away."

"I was goin' to say 'disappear'. If you're a figment of my imagination, the real Lilly's goin' to be pissed when I disturb her Saturday by turnin' up on her doorstep uninvited."

She giggles again. I love that I can make her laugh. She holds up one finger in a just-a-second gesture and then reaches into her coat pocket for her notebook and pen. She scrawls somethin' down, rips the page out of the book, folds it and hands it to me. "That might help," she says. Then she kisses me again, short, sweet and hot, and opens the door.

"Goodnight, Scotty."

"Yes, it is," I say.

She grins at me. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Hey, Lil." She's half turned away already, but turns back to look at me.

"I ain't runnin' away, either." I'm in this, in other words. The only way I'll leave her is if I'm dead, and even then I'll fight like hell to stick around.

"No," she says softly, and I'm surprised to see she suddenly looks like she wants to cry. But she still has that incredible smile on her face. "I don't believe you will."

The door closes softly behind her, and she's gone. I already feel her absence. It seems like years before tomorrow night - how am I goin' to last until then? I'm still holdin' the note she left me; I unfold it and smile at the words she's written. Pick Lilly up 7:30 for dinner. Yes, all this really happened.

I cross to the window and wait for her to appear, wantin' one last glimpse of her. The street's quiet and dark, peaceful. I watch as her blonde head appears beneath my window and crosses the sidewalk to her car. The car lights flash as she unlocks it, but instead of gettin' in she looks up, searchin' for my window. Her eyes find mine. She was smilin' before, but it fades as she looks at me. If my eyes are givin' off the same heat hers are, I'm surprised my curtains ain't on fire. We stare at each other for what seems an age, and then her car lights flash again. She's locked it. Then she crosses the sidewalk and re-enters my building.

Remember I said earlier that tellin' Lilly I was in love with her would be the actions of a stupid man? I'm thinkin' about that. I'm thinkin' I might just take a chance and tell her someday soon. Maybe I'll say it with flowers, maybe I'll just say it. I get the sudden feelin' that maybe it wouldn't be such a stupid thing to do after all.

And that's the best feelin' in the world.

She only gets to knock on my door twice before I fling it open, catchin' her with her hand still raised. Forget my curtains; I think I'm about to burst into flame from the look in her eyes.

"I remembered I prefer brunch on Sundays," she says. "You can make me breakfast tomorrow morning instead." And then she's in my arms, I've got her up against the door frame and we're kissing like we'll die if we don't. Her coat drops to the floor.

I hope she likes burnt toast.

The End

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