Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue, I hate you all.

A/N: The dramatic climax! The emotional, riveting, exhilarating ending to this tale of epic proportions! Be warned, you will piss your pants with excitement!

Sasuke awoke in bed to the oh-so-lovely sound of a heart monitor beeping away.

"Ugh, crap. I feel like somebody smacked my brain with a red-hot frying pan. What the hell happened?"

Kabuto looked up from his computer.

"You passed out during training," said Kabuto, "after a particularly bad sneezing attack. 356 straight times! A new record. You actually sneezed out half your brain, which I luckily was able to surgically shove back up your nose."

"Thanks I guess," Sasuke inspected his surroundings to make sure there was a knife handy in case he couldn't bear living anymore when a sudden realization struck him. "Um, why the hell am I naked?"

"Orochimaru. . ."

Sasuke grabbed the nearest paper bag and promptly vomited into it.

"WHAT THE HELL DID HE DO TO ME?!"

"Nothing, nothing, don't worry. Get dressed before he comes back."

Kakashi, Naruto, Sai, and Sakura were walking through the woods searching for Sasuke. They had absolutely no idea where to start, because no one knew where the sound village was, and simply chose a forest to look through. Of course, miraculously, it was the forest that housed the Sound. Funny how it always works out, huh?

Suddenly, Sakura paused and sniffed the air.

"What is it, Sakura?" Slurred Kakashi.

"Sasuke-kun is that way," she responded, pointing off to the left.

"How do you know?"

"The power of love guides me. Besides, I should know. I'm a medic."

After 30 fruitful minutes of wandering aimlessly through the woods under Sakura's guidance, Sai slapped his forehead and laughed.

"Why didn't I just use my man-seeking powers?"

"What?" Naruto asked.

"My man-seeking powers. I can smell hot guys miles away."

"How do you even know what Sasuke smells like?" Naruto yet again questioned.

"Remember that time Konohamaru transformed into an image of me and Sasuke . . ." Both Sai and Sakura (and Naruto too, though he would never admit it) spaced out for a moment, drooling slightly and bleeding through the nose. "Anyway, Sasuke's in the opposite direction."

So, the four sorry creatures headed off again, when another logical question miraculously pushed its way through the tempest of pretty colors, floating ramen bowls, fantasies of hokage, and general garbuldy-goop that is Naruto's mind.

"Wait, I still don't get how you know what he smells like. Konohamaru only transformed into his image. Unless –"

"—he practiced," said Kakashi, "for hours in front of the mirror. That is the only way to perfect a jutsu to such a degree that even the smell of the person is accurate."

"OMG, I'VE CREATED A GAY MONSTER!" shrieked Naruto's high pitched, grating voice.

Sai sighed, and said, "What's wrong with gay people?"

"Well Sai, Naruto and I hate you because we are insecure with our masculinity and feel threatened by you and, for some bizarrely irrational reason, feel as though the presence of a homosexual may make others think that we too are gay," slurred Kakashi, quite matter-of-factly.

"That's ridiculus. Only latent gays are threatened by gays. Oh, burn!" jeered Sakura, who high-fived Sai and continued walking.

Many hours later (for I enjoy torturing my characters with each other's presence), the artist, the drunk, the medic, and the idiot wearing a bright, neon-orange jumpsuit in the middle of a dark green and brown forest arrived at an old tree stump with a whole in it.

"He's in there," said Sai.

"Wow, Orochimaru must have been on crack when he designed this place. Oooo, I hope he still has some!" squealed Kakashi at the prospect of free illegal contraband. That was redundant.

"I'm coming Sasuke my love!" Sakura bellowed into the tree stump. "Don't worry my precious, your sweet angel of passion and romance has come to rescue her knight in shining armor! Your sweet angel is here at last, Sasuke, and finally we can be together!" Sakura was about to jump down the hole when a faint "achoo" echoed through the tree stump, followed moments later be a massive explosion.

Fire and rocks flew through the air, creating an impenetrable cloud of boiling hot dust and toxic chemicals, which, of course, nobody died from.

Sasuke's voice roared through the air, sending fear into the hearts of all.

"WHAT THE HELL? I mean, COME ON!! All I have EVER asked for is for you crazy bastards to LEAVE ME ALONE, but nooooooo! After I severed all my bonds and nearly killed Naruto, you guys come all the way out here expecting me to 'care' about you, to be your 'friend'. Well, you know what? I don't give a flying fuck!"

The dust slowly settled, revealing Sasuke, Kabuto, and Orochimaru standing on the other side of a huge trench. Shock was written on the faces of team seven, and Naruto's eyes welled up with tears. He broke out into choking, hiccupping sobs, snot running down his face. You know, the way annoying little brats cwy when they get only tirty-two pwesents as opposed to the usual tirty-twee for der birfday.

Sai unsheathed his sword, pointed it at Sasuke (for whatever reason), and began the speech he had been preparing for months.

"It is true. My top-secret mission was indeed the assassination of Sasuke. But those orders don't matter anymore. Because of Naruto, I feel like I might be able to remember how I used to feel. There's a reason why Naruto and Sakura chase after you with so much passion: in order to prevent the bonds with you from breaking. Plus, I saw a picture of you in my bingo book and I must have you."

Sasuke's expression hardened into any icy cold expression of death as he stared with pure, unadulterated loathing at the four obnoxious cretans on the opposite side of the pit. Quite delighting in the hatred radiating from his little pupil's delicious body, Orchimaru cackled his sick little cackle.

"Kukuku! (by the way, what kind of a laugh is kukuku?)" said he, "how sweet! I would let you five reminisce about the past in Konoha, but I'm afraid – "

"Oh, shut up Diarrhea-teme!" howled Sasuke. Orchimaru was taken aback; no one had ever raised they're voice to him in such a manner, much less called him such a terrible name as Diarrhea-teme. Sure, Sasuke had said mean things, but until now Orochimaru had always assumed that he was just joking. Fighting back the tears welling in his eyes, Orochimaru opened his mouth to retort. Before a single breath could escape his pale, clammy lips, Sasuke turned his head, oh so slowly, to reveal to fierce, piercing sharingan eyes.

Suddenly, Orochimaru found himself standing alone on a mountain. The sky began to change colors, fading into red. Out of nowhere, a giant mallet smacked him and sent him flying. He flew, and flew, and flew. For hours, he just kept souring through the air, with no end in sight, After exactly 14 hours, 58 minutes, and 46 seconds of this, Orochimaru crashed into the Great Wall of China and fell. His broken body fell, and fell, and fell for like, a kajillion miles or whatever. He finally crunched into the jagged rocks below, his bones shattered, flesh torn and bleeding, and organs hanging out of his body. Tehe!

He blinked and found himself sitting at a café table with a cup of coffee before him. Orochimaru, shaken and trembling quite badly, picked up the cup of coffee and tried not to attract attention. His trembling hand caused the coffee to spill, and the fallen liquid formed words on the table. "Fulfill the Prophecy!" (In case you didn't get that, that was a Serial Experiments Lain reference. Very good anime. Almost as insane as I am).

In his terror Orochimaru ran to the bathroom to hide. Once the door closed behind him, a voice echoed from out in the hall.

"Hello? Is anyone there?" No answer. Orochimaru opened the door just a creak and looked out with one eye.

"Hello?" No answer. Tentatively, he stepped out in the hallway and called again, and, yet again, there was no answer. Satisfied that no one was following him, Orochimaru turned around, only to find a wall where the door had been. Blood started to poor from the ceiling and formed the words "Fulfill the Prophecy!" (Another Lain reference. WATCH OR DIE!)

Orochimaru fled from the café shrieking and crying. After a while, he noticed that he was in Konoha, but not the Konoha of the present, but rather of 50 years ago. Terrified, he ran into the first building he recognized.

To his supreme horror, he remembered that the building was the summer home of the 3rd Hokage. The root of all my evil ways. He walked down the hall and saw a young, child-version of himself. He remembered this day. His mother had sent him to give a basket of freshly baked cookies to the Hokage, for he was supposedly sick. The young snake-boy walked into the Hokage's bedroom, beaming with pride at his successful cookie-delivery mission.

"Come closer, dear boy" croaked the Hokage in a sickly sweet voice. Little Orochimaru stepped closer and he was snatched up by the old man's wrinkly, decrepit hands, and Orochimaru was forced to relive the terrible memories as they happened to his younger self.

The genjutsu ended, and Orochimaru uttered a long, drawn out cry. Tears were pouring down his face. The Snake Freak sat down, wrapped his arms around his legs, and rocked back and forth.

"Tsukiyomi?" Asked a bewildered Kabuto.

"No, Tsukiyomi is Itachi's jutsu. Besides, It requires the mangekyou." Replied Sasuke. "I call this Mindrape-no-jutsu!"

"His sharingan is too powerful!" Shouted Sai, "Kakashi, you are the only able to handle it! You have the sharingan!"

Kakashi, wide-eyed, was staring inordinately intently at Sai's sleeve.

"Kakashi?"

Kakashi reached out his hand and touched the fascinating sleeve ever-so-lightly with his fingertips.

"Wow, the fabric of your sleeve is so . . . so . . . sleevy!"

"Kakashi, did you get into Orochimaru's secret drug stash?"

"No."

"Does that mean yes?"

"YES! OMG, you're a genius! How did you read your mind like that?" Kakashi fell over backwards and contented himself with contemplating the sky.

Unable to bare the waiting, Sakura suddenly leapt across the trench, pinning Sasuke to the ground.

"I LOVE YOU SEXY-KUN!" She bellowed through the cascade of blood pouring down her nose.

"Get off me, you're messing up my hair and my clothes!"

"Dog pile on Sasuke!" screamed Sai, and soon he, Karin who appeared out of nowhere, the very high Kakashi, and, though he would never admit it, Naruto leapt upon the poor boy, crushing the living daylights out of him. Understandably angered (and unable to breath), Sasuke electrocuted the lot of them, killing them all, as the laws of physics dictate should happen to electrocuted life-forms.

So they were all dead except for Sasuke, Kabuto, and Orochimaru, whose mind was broken anyway. Sasuke turned around to return back to his lair to brood about the death of his beloved family, when suddenly he heard a noise.

This noise was uttered from Naruto's throat. Slowly, red, bubbly chakra poured out of his body, healing him and surrounding him. By the way, has anyone ever been terrified by bubbly suds? Have you ever looked at soapy water and said "Wow, how utterly terrifying"? No! What's more, why would anyone make a freaking demon look like Gaara's demon? Seriously, he's not terrifying! He just looks like an obese puppy whose been constipated for the last three weeks. Gosh!

Gradually, the red chakra enveloping Naruto's body took form, becoming opaque and fox-like. A bone shattering roar erupted from the demon's throat, shaking the very ground below their feet. Sasuke unsheathed his katana and assumed battle stance.

"So, kyuubi, we meet again!"

"Yea, whatevs"

Slightly confused by the demon's nonchalant response, Sasuke lowered his guard a little.

"Dude," continued the afore mentioned fox demon, "You just, gotta be like cool, you know? Just be cool. Let the coolness get into our vertebrae!"

The kyuubi then lay down on the grass, babbling more nonsense about "coolness" and other supposedly philosophical topics. Without warning, the Kyuubi stood up and embraced Kabuto in ferocious bear-hug, his fur reeking of marijuana. He then feel asleep.

Kabuto couldn't take it anymore. Kakashi a drunk? Naruto with ADHD? Sakura a raving lunatic? Orochimaru and Sai child rapists? Sasuke's obsessive compulsion? The Kyuubi a pot-head? It was all too much for him. Who knew what other crazies lived in Konoha? Kabuto could feel the insanity pressing down on his mind, crushing him, killing him. He couldn't stand against the pressure. Suddenly, something snapped. Kabuto sat down. All the thoughts left his mind, replaced by one single thought: grass is amazing! He poked a blade of grass, and he poked it and poked it and poked it some more. Kabuto would die three days later of thirst still poking the grass.

Whilst Kabuto was poking the innocent blade of grass, Sasuke had left in search of Itachi. Unlike Team 7, he had some idea of where he was going. He knew Akatsuki could always be found in massive cave dug into mountains, and that Itachi would be somewhere near by. He made his way towards the closest such cave.

Eight days of walking, Sasuke finally reached the entrance of the cave to find his most hated brother standing alone.

"Hello Sasuke"

"Hello most hated brother"

Sasuke leapt towards him, slashing at Itachi with his electric katana. Itachi dodged just enough to avoid being decapitated, but received a gash on his shoulder. Itachi then lounged forward with a kunai, but Sasuke managed to block it with his armguard. Seeing an opening, Sasuke plunged his katana into Itachi's right thigh. Itachi fell backwards, and Sasuke raised his weapon to deal the final blow.

"Wait Sasuke!" Sasuke conveniently paused a second to hear what the murderer of family had to say. Don't ask why.

"Little brother, there is something I have to tell you. I want your eyes."

"What?"

"Excuse me, did I say eyes? I meant I want your body. Will you make love to me?"

Sasuke paused for a minute pondering his options then made his decision.

"Sure, whatever."

He grabbed his older brother by the collar and slammed him against a tree. They then kissed ferociously, tearing at each other's clothes . . .

In the real world, a certain demonicbunnymaster sat typing at her computer. She reached the part in her story when two characters commit gay incest. Gradually, it came to her attention that it was becoming more difficult to breath. She touched her nose and looked at the liquid on her hand,

"Huh," she commented, vaguely interested in her finding, "nose bleed."

A/N: comment or I'lll go on a murderous rampage!