AN: This is just based on a piece of writing from Soul Calibur. I thought, how come nobody does this for Tekken?
All similarities with actual people are coincidental. Caligula II is not similar at all to Dr. Caligula.
Disclaimer: I do not own Tekken.
Session With Dr. Caligula
Starring:
Jin Kazama: Depresive and suicidal
Kazuya Mishima: Sociopath
Heihachi Mishima: Perverted old fart
Jun Kazama: Disfunctional mother
Hwoarang: Drug addict
Ling Xiaoyu: Retarded
Lee Chaolan: Closeted gay
Asuka Kazama: Openly lesbian
Julia: Asuka's girlfriend, paranoid
Yoshimitsu: Homesick alien
Nina Williams: Homicidal maniac
Anna Williams: Sex addict
Steve Fox: Braindamaged boxer
Bryan Fury: Psychopath
Lei Wulong: Moron
Bruce Irwin: Drunkard
Ganryu: Rapist
and...
Caligula II as Dr. Caligula: Psychoanalyst and asshole.
It was a regular day at Dr. Caligula's office. Crying, tantrums, murder and so on when a tall African-American walked in.
"Hi." he said to the receptionist. "Is Dr. Caligula here?"
"He is here, yes." she said while polishing her nails. "But he is busy with a patient. Please wait." and she continued her nail-polishing as the guy, whose name was Bruce Irwin, sat down in the waiting room.
In the office, the Doc was overseeing Bryan Fury's trip to the assylum.
"You know that I'm not crazy! Grooradaurdeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" screamed Bryan as two orderlies zapped him with stun-guns.
"You attempted to devour my desk." stated Dr. Caligula with a germanic accent. "You are clearly psychotic and must be put on medication if you ever hope to recover."
"I swear, I'm gonna get out, and when I do, I'm gonna fuck you up! GRRRRRRRRROOOOOAAAAAAAAANN!!!" roared Bryan and the orderlies immediately zapped him unconconous. He fell to the ground and was carted off to the assylum.
"Next!" called Dr. Caligula and Bruce stepped into his office.
"Hey doc." started Bruce a little nervously. "I came here cuz some guy recomended ya."
"Yes, yes. What is your name, patient?" asked Dr. Caligula.
"I'm... uhm... Bruce."
"Hello Bruce. I am Dr. Caligula. Why have you come here?"
"Well..." Bruce started shivering. "The wife says that I got to come back home, but I'm never sober enough to remember where my home is."
"Good, good." the doc scribbled something on his clipboard. "It is obvious that you suffer from alcoholic intracranial megalomanic fobial substance abuse."
"What does it mean doctor?" asked Bruce.
"No idea, just trying hard to look schmart." said the doc. "So, tell me about your childhood."
"Well... My old man never cared for me, he would sit in the armchair and drink beer." said Bruce.
"Hm, hm. Interesting." hummed Dr. Caligula. "Tell me about your mother."
"My mom? Well she never had time for me. Sometimes I even wonder if she loved me." said Bruce, tears forming in his eyes.
"Hm. It seems that the deficiency of love coming from your parents has left you insecure and pained, giving you much trouble in your adult life. Ja!" finished the doc.
"It's true! It's all true. Buaaaaaaaa!" Bruce started crying and weeping.
"Ja. Und you also hate yourself, resulting in your enjoyemnet in self-harm via alcoholic beverages.
"Yes." Bruce wiped his face and rejoiced in enlightedness. "I do hate myself! Die motherfucker!" and without further ado, he jumped through the office window and landed in a barrel full of crabs which was randomly lying there simply because the author of this fanfic couldn't think of anything else.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! They are hurting me!" he screamed.
"Next." called Dr. Caligula.
AN: Yello. Just for the record, Dr. Caligula is in no way similar to me.
Love, peoples.