Dissimulation

Chapter 1: Quietus

The culprit, you act before thinking
Caught in your ignorant sin
And lying to your own reflection
You thought you could hide
-Quietus by Epica

qui·e·tus
1.a finishing stroke; anything that effectually ends or settles: Having given a quietus to the argument, she left.
2.discharge or release from life.
3.a period of retirement or inactivity.

Summary: Tidus's existance may have disappeared, but his mark in the world of Spira has not. He disappeared without knowing a secret that Yuna had been hiding from him. Yuna must cope with his disappearance and the beginning of a new life. It might have been easy at first, but that was before Tidus's dark past was unveiled. Rated M for later chapters.

His glowing body became one with the clouds. It was painful to watch and she felt as if she was going to just die right there. He never knew. He never knew the secret that she had been hiding from him. She wanted to tell him and she would have after the defeat of Sin, but she never imagined that he would be gone. He was gone, because of her. She finally let go and let the tears pour out. Her guardians rushed to her side, trying to give her as much need support.

She appreciated their worry and comforting suggestions, but nothing could change the fact that she was alone. She just watched the man that she loved and cherished jump off the edge of an airship. He was gone and it was her fault. How could she go on like this? In her eyes she was a murderer. This was all too much to handle.

No matter how strong she was, she had carried a lot of emotional baggage throughout her own pilgrimage. Leaving the people she loved back in Besaid. The horror of Operation Mi'ihen. The wedding and death of her husband. Everything had caused her complete distress, but she remained strong. The only time she had ever cried was in front of him.

She had asked him to join her back in Kilika, because of his nature. He was one of the only ones that truly made her laugh. During this time, he was innocent and unaware of what her pilgrimage would bring. Lulu warned for these reasons, but she still wanted him nearby. This was the start of a love that would grow each day. Although the journey was difficult, he never failed to make her smile.

Now that aspect was gone. Instead of absolute bliss and happiness because peace has finally enveloped the land, the world seemed gloomly. Once they landed, she would be surrounded by smiling faces. There would always be one missing from the crowd. The one smile and the one laugh that had the greatest impact of all.

She rubbed her eyes and felt hot bile begin to rise in her throat. She was able to swallow it down and turned to face her guardians. Everybody stared at her with worried looks. The pilgrimage was finally over and she looked like a completely new person. The journey definitely took a toll on her. Her eyes were red and puffy and crying, but nothing covered the large bags underneath her eyes. She looked much older now.

She ignored their glares and began her way to the safety inside. The guardians followed her, silence enveloping all of them. They didn't know what else to say. The events that just had taken place were confusing to all, but Rikku and Kimahri. These two were the only ones who knew their secret relationship. Rikku, however, was the only one who knew about their sinful act.

Yuna's heavy feet guided her to the bridge, where she was greeted by her uncles arms. Yuna fell into them silently, enjoying the little warmth they gave. "You did it! You got rid of Sin!" his muffled voice said excitedly. He finally let go and inspected the crew. He immediately noticed that two were missing. "What happened to the antisocial guy and captain puberty?" The group remained silent, all their eyes pointing to the ground. They couldn't get themselves to say it. It was still a shock to all, especially to Yuna.

They all knew that he was going to disappear, but Yuna refused to accept it. Even when he began to fade away, she refused to believe that he was going to leave her. The event immediately began to replay in her mind. Tears began to fall again and she cursed herself for displaying emotion. All her life she had been taught to never show your emotions. Never let somebody see you cry. This was a sign of weakness and struggle. Yuna could not help herself, however.

Cid glanced at Yuna, noticing the tears running down her face. In horror, he tip toed over to Rikku. Rikku too, was crying. "What's going on with you and her?" Cid whispered. He knew this probably wasn't the time to be asking such questions, but he always had a strong sense of curiosity. It always got the best of him.

Rikku rolled her eyes, but kept her mouth shut. Her throat was dry and she was unable to talk. All she could think of was about her cousin. She was extremely worried about the little sanity Yuna had left. She had been through a lot and Rikku was afraid Yuna was finally on the verge of cracking. She didn't want to see that.

An eery silence fell between the group as everybody became lost in thought. There were no plans on the next action, instead, everybody was reflecting the events that just happened.

Yuna was finally the first to break the silence. "Take me home," she said shakily.

Cid nodded and began to bark orders to Brother. Lulu gathered enough courage to speak to her adoptive daughter. "Yuna, are you okay?" she asked worriedly. "I know this a shock to you and I was unaware of your hidden relationship, but I know what it is like to lose the man you love."

Yuna silently stared out the window, watching the yellow couds speed by her. She was in no mood to talk. All she wanted was to finally lay in a soft bed and just cry. She needed to let all her hidden sorrow out. Most importantly, she needed to think.

In a matter of months, weeks even, the world will soon find out about her hidden, sinful act. She didn't see it as sinful, but the world would. Even if the religion of Yevon has crumbled to ashes, people were still going to follow Yevon's strict code for years to come. Yuna didn't care though. She had thrown all her ties to Yevon away after uncovering the corruption inside of Bevelle. The thought that Yevon was still based on death sickened her.

"Yuna, we're nearing Besaid. We should be there in ten minutes," Cid said suddenly, tearing Yuna away from her troubled thoughts.

"Thank you," Yuna replied numbly. She folded her hands against her chest and stared down at the carpeted floor, mezmorized by the intricate patterns.

Time passed slowly, but finally, she began to feel the long descent towards the island. Pretty soon she will be surrounded by happy, excited faces. In normal occasions, she would be delighted, but right now, she was dreading it. "When we land in Besaid, I don't want to talk to anybody. I just want to go to bed and be alone. I have a lot on my mind and I need time to think. If people approach me, Kimahri, will you lead them away?" Yuna announced.

"Kimahri knows Yuna is sad. Kimahri will protect Yuna," Kimahri's booming, accented voice told her.

"Thank you. Now that we have that settled, lets get going," Yuna sighed. She took a few deep breaths to calm her nerves, before heading towards the exit. Yuna and her guardians began their long descent to find the shores of Besaid crowded with onlookers. They all looked scared at the sight of the airship, but they all wore smiles. Yuna shielded her eyes. She couldn't see them smile. Lulu and Wakka took the front, Yuna and Rikku took the middle, and Kimahri took the back. They were all ready to push the onlookers away.

As soon as they reached the shore, the crowds began to push towards their hero, but her faithful guardians kept them away. "Yuna has had a long, hard journey. She needs rest," Lulu kept repeating.

Yuna kept her weary, watery eyes to the ground. She didn't want them to see her like this. This was a time that was supposed to be of complete bliss and happiness. However, for Yuna, it was a time for mourning.

The crowds did notice that there were two of her guardians were missing. They did notice that Yuna was not in all of the best of moods, so they understood. Once they were pushed away, they did not try and fight back. Instead, they accepted and just stood back and watched. For this, Yuna was grateful.

The trip back to Besaid was long and silent. The only sounds were the birds in the jungles and the whispered excited voices of the following crowd behind them. They encountered many fiends, but the fiends were no longer a problem to the guardians. They didn't even need Yuna's help at all. Instead, she numbly followed their footsteps.

When they finally reached the village, Yuna departed from the group and went to the old crusader tent. She was finally alone, with Kimahri silently guarding the entrance of the tent. If anybody dared try to enter, Kimahri simply pushed them away. Yuna sighed and took the bed farthest away and fell onto it. The tears that have been begging to escape for the past year were finally drained. She buried her face into pillow and just cried.

She cried for the deaths from Sin in Kilika. She cried for the deaths from Operation Mi'ihen. She cried for her broken marriage to Seymour. But most of all, she cried for Tidus. Her body ached for his warmth. She wanted to laugh and smile again, but now it seemed impossible. Without him, the world seemed dark and gloomy. Spira has had a lot of emotional baggage the last few years and there was still a lot of work to be done. The scent of death was still thick in the air.

Outside of Yuna's world, Lulu, Wakka, and Rikku all gathered in Wakka's tent. They were sitting around a table, contemplating on their next step. Things were going to be rough for Yuna. The loss of Tidus deeply pained her and the rest of the group as well. There was never a dull moment when Tidus around. He kept their spirits high and their wills strong. Now, the world seemed so empty.

"I'm going to miss him," Rikku sighed. Her fingers were tenderly tracing the grain on the wood table, her eyes lowered to her lap.

"I know, but I'm worried about Yuna. She's never been like this. Even when her father died, she was able to keep her spirits high," Lulu whispered. Her eyes began to water as she allowed her tears to fall.

Wakka reached for Lulu's hand and squeezed it lightly, "Yuna will get through with this, ya! She may seem fragile and frail, but her will is strong. All she need is time alone. She'll be able to sort out her problems and she'll back to her old self before we know it. She's that kind of person." Lulu nodded, but she still wasn't convinced. Losing a loved one was the hardest thing to go through. It nearly destroyed Lulu and at times, may destroy even the strongest person. There was obviously a deep connection between Yuna and Tidus. She hoped, though, that they didn't go too deep into that relationship.

"They loved each other very much. I don't think it's going to be that easy," Rikku whispered. Her mind was on the time that Yuna had told her what Tidus and her had done...

It was the night before Yuna would acquire the final summoning. Tidus had left the group, but before he did, he had left a reasurring hand on Yuna's shoulder. Rikku always suspected that there was some sort of thing going on between the two. This action had only strengthened her curiosity. She watched Tidus stand at the cliffs edge, staring at the ruined city. Yuna got up and announced that she needed some time alone, before heading away. The others were deep in conversation. They were talking about their plans after the final step was taken. They were in the conversation so deep, that they didn't even notice Rikku slip away and follow Yuna's path. She found Yuna resting on a boulder. She was busy tracing something in the gritty sand that enveloped the rock. "So, what's going on between you and him?" Rikku approached her.

Yuna shot up, scared by the sudden intrusion. She didn't even notice Rikku sneak up beside her. "What, what do you mean?" Yuna asked, dumbfounded.

"Oh, c'mon Yuna! I'm not stupid, you know! There is obviously something going on between you two," Rikku teased. Yuna's eyes dropped to her lap and she bit her lip. Was it that obvious? It was strange that nobody else had noticed it.

"Is it really that obvious?" Yuna shuttered.

"The others haven't noticed, but I have," Rikku said, while puffing out her chest. Yuna laughed at her actions. Rikku was another one that never failed to get her to smile, but her affect wasn't as great as Tidus's.

"Well, I guess I shouldn't lie. We're in love," Yuna sighed.

"Have you two been smooching?" Rikku asked. Her interests sparked to high levels. She felt a little pain of jealousy, though. Rikku would admit, she also had a slight crush on the blonde blitz player. Rikku did save him from freezing and starving to death, but she always knew his heart was towards her cousin. Tidus would always complain to her about how much he liked Yuna.

"We've done a little more that," Yuna thought, out loud.

"What?" Rikku asked, bewildered.

"Huh? Did I say that out loud?" Yuna asked with absolute horror. She was embarassed about that sinful act she had done with Tidus, but her body needed it so bad. She wanted to know what love felt like and most of all, she didn't want to die not ever experiencing it.

"Did you two, do it?" Rikku chuckled.

"We didn't do it, we made love. There's a difference you know!" Yuna said defensively. Doing it seemed impersonal and sinful to Yuna. Making love had a different vibe, though. It made the act seem less sinful and more beautiful.

"Wow! How did it feel? Lucky!" Rikku started to ramble incoherant words. At times, she would slip into Al Bhed, before slipping back into Spiran. Yuna, only half listening, began to trace designs into the dirt again, a smile at her lips. Her mind was obviously on that special moment she had shared with Tidus. "When? Where?" Rikku finally asked, breathlessly.

"Remember when the two of us disappeared in the Calm Lands? We found a little cave and shared our moment there," Yuna explained. Rikku squealed and hugged her cousin. "You're not ashamed of me, are you?" Yuna continued, worried.

"Ashamed? Why should I be ashamed! I'm surprised, but it's a good surprise!" Rikku squealed.

"Well, promise me you won't tell anyone," Yuna whispered.

"I promised," Rikku assured her.

"Rikku? are you even listening?" Lulu scolded.

"Uh, what?" Rikku asked stupidly. Lulu sighed with frustration and rubbed her pounding headache. She hated it when people daydreamed at times like this. It was no time to daydream. They needed to make some important decisions and daydreaming was not helping.

Instead of blowing up, though, Lulu took a few deep breaths before replying, "Nothing. I think I'll go check up on Yuna." She stood up and left the tent and made the short walk to the tent. Kimahri let her pass with ease and she headed to where Yuna was. To her relief, Yuna was sleeping peacefully. Lulu took a seat at the edge of the bed and ran her fingers through her soft hair. "Things will get better, I promise." She stood up, pulled a blanket over Yuna's sleeping form, and softly placed a kiss on Yuna's salty cheek. She softly wiped away the evidence of tears.

A/N: A new story that I have thought up. I have had this idea for a long time and I finally decided to sit down and write it. This chapter is boring, I know, but it will get better. Beware, there will be some sexual content, violence, and cursing in later chapters. That's why I decided to mark this story as Mature. I'm very excited about this and I feel this has to be the best chapter I ever wrote. The italics will signify dreams and flashbacks, by the way. Anyway, please review and tell me what you think!