The Perils of Mary-Sues

Declaimer: If I owned PotC, Jack would not have died in the second movie...

"Help! Help!"

The cry came from the drowning craft. Jack wheeled around and pulled out his spyglass, looking through it toward the ship. There, at the very top of the mast, right under the flag of the Jolly Roger, was a figure in white with golden hair. The cry came from her.

"Get me a boat!" Jack cried.

"The boat got a hole knocked into the side, Cap'n!" Gibbs yelled. "And the other one was left on the Isla de Muerta."

Jack swore, and dived into the water, going for the ship. He managed to climb on deck and up the mast in minutes. Now he could see that the girl had her wrists tied to the mast, so that she couldn't escape. She was exceptionally pretty. Jack stopped, almost reaching her. Hard though it was for him to resist a pretty girl, he knew that Mary-Sues were dangerous. Very dangerous. They try to make Jack fall in love with them, and flirt worse than Jack does himself. He didn't want anymore eyelashes batted in his direction, or anymore empty gorgeous faces leaning into him for a kiss. He started climbing down again.

"No!" the Mary-Sue shrieked. "Please! Help me!"

Jack hesitated. "What's your name?" he asked. You can always tell a Mary-Sue by her name. The longer her name, the more dangerous she is.

"I'm Diana Lilith Mae Daphne Geraldine June Guenivere Cordelia Gladys Cassandra Roxane July Hermione Rose Amber August Persephone-"

Jack was horrified. That was one long name. And she was still going.

"-Pearl Serena Delphine Romola Igraine Calypso Iris Narcissa Morgana Elaine Vivian Cassiopeia Iphigenia Rowena Belinda Arethusa-"

Jack was frozen in terror. This one must be vicious.

"-Philomela Cynthia Rosalind Galatea Celia Cleopatra Gertrude Alcmena Demeter Clementina Helena Cybel-"

"Enough!" Jack cried, and started scrambling down the mast. "Stay away from me! Just-just die! Don't ever bother me!"

And he jumped into the water, and started swimming back to the Pearl for his life. He told Gibbs to make sure the ship was going as fast as it possibly could and spent the rest of the day hiding in his cabin. By next morning, he judged that it was safe enough to come out. He hoped that Diana Lilith Mae Daphne Geraldine- well, the Mary-Sue was safely dead. Jack leaned against the rigging with a bottle of rum, savoring his life with no Mary-Sues. Just then, someone climbed over the the side of the ship. Jack nearly passed out. It was the Mary-Sue! She strode directly up to him and slapped his across the face.

"Jack!" she screamed. "How could you abandon me? How could you leave me to drown?"

"Very easily," Jack told her, rubbing his stinging cheek. The Mary-Sue looked horrified.

"Aren't you going to ask me to forgive me, then kiss me, then take me to your cabin so that we can-"

"No!" Jack cried. "By the way, you should cut your name down."

"Oh, you can call me Donna."

"Donna? Why?"

"Because Belladonna is in the middle of my name. You see, my whole name is Diana Lilith Mae Daphne Geraldine June Guenivere Cordelia Gladys Cassandra Roxane July Hermione Rose Amber August Persephone Pearl Serena Delphine Romola Calypso-"

Jack groaned and then jumped up. She didn't notice, she was too busy reciting her name. The only way to render a Mary-Sue harmless was to make her say her name, because while she says it, she doesn't notice anything that goes on around her. She was still reciting her name and still hadn't gotten to Belladonna. Jack hurriedly shoved her overboard. And that, he hoped, would finish her off.

Please review! Tell me if I should keep going with this one!