Prologue. The Christmas Invasion. (Company/Phantom of the Opera/Sunset Boulevard)
As the Overture1 plays, THE TARDIS spins onto stage as a bewildered MICKEY and JACKIE look on. It lands and out comes THE DOCTOR.
THE DOCTOR. Jackie! Mickey! Blimey! There was something important I was going to tell you! What was it? Oh, yes: Merry Christmas! (collapses)
JACKIE. Ooo was that?
MICKEY. Dunno. Looked like David Tennant to me.
ROSE steps out of THE TARDIS and looks at THE DOCTOR. JACKIE grabs ROSE and tries to drag her off.
Song. YOU COULD DRIVE A PERSON CRAZY (Sondheim)
JACKIE. (to ROSE) YOU COULD DRIVE A PERSON CRAZY—
ROSE. (to THE DOCTOR) YOU COULD DRIVE A PERSON MAD—
MICKEY. DOO DOO DOO DOO DO!
Everyone looks at MICKEY strangely. ROSE tries to pick up THE DOCTOR and drag him with her as JACKIE drags her along.
JACKIE. (to ROSE, indicating her phone) DID YOU HAVE TO BE SO LAZY—
ROSE. (to THE DOCTOR) DID YOU HAVE TO MAKE ME SAD?
MICKEY. DOO DOO DOO DOO DO!
JACKIE. (to ROSE) THEN YOU LEAVE A PERSON DANGLING SADLY
INSIDE YOUR FLAT—
ROSE. (to THE DOCTOR) WHICH IT ONLY MAKES A PERSON PUZZLED, NOW YOU'VE TURNED TO THAT!
MICKEY. BOO BOO BOO BOO!
JACKIE/ ROSE. BUT WORSE 'N THAT—
A PERSON THAT—
INFURIATES/TITILLATES A PERSON
AND THEN LEAVES HER FLAT
IS CRAZY,
S/HE'S A TROUBLED PERSON,
S/HE'S A TRULY CRAZY PERSON HER/HIMSELF!
In the Tyler flat. ROSE has managed to drag THE DOCTOR inside.
JACKIE. So that's the Doctor? (a beat) Clothes are a little big, aren't they?
ROSE. Well, you got any men's clothes lying around?
JACKIE. In fact I do.
MICKEY. CoughcoughahemHowardcoughcough.
ROSE. What was that?
MICKEY. Nuttin.' I said, pajamas?
ROSE. Good idea! I'll put them on!
She grabs them from JACKIE and drags THE DOCTOR into the bedroom. She slams the doors shut and we hear a lot noise, like stuff being thrown around, things clanging, etc. She comes out, looking exhausted.
ROSE. (changing the subject) So, Mum, that's a dead-ugly lookin' Christmas tree you got.
JACKIE. Oh, thanks. Just appeared, innit.
MICKEY. If by appeared you mean you got it from Tesco.
At some super special location, HARRIET JONES thrusts her credentials at DAI JONES ELI JENKINS EVANS LLEWELLYN.
HARRIET. Harriet Jones, Prime Minister!
LLEWELLYN. I know who you are.
HARRIET. Harriet Jones, Prime Minister!
LLEWELLYN. I said I know who you are.
HARRIET. But the viewers might not remember me! (shouts at every passerby) Harriet Jones, Prime Minister! Harriet Jones, Prime Minister!
LLEWELLYN. All right already! Even they know who you are!
HARRIET. Who they?
MICKEY and ROSE hold hands as they walk around Cardiff in the summer made to look like London at Christmastime. There is a brass band of Santas playing.
ROSE. Loan me a hundred quid. I wanna do some Crimbo shoppin'.
MICKEY. I don't have a hundred quid.
ROSE. Make it two hundred. I have something special in mind for the Doctor.
MICKEY. The Doctor this, the Doctor that. Can't we talk about somefink else for awhile?
ROSE. Like the two hundred quid you're gonna loan me?
MICKEY. WHEN A PERSON'S PERSONALITY IS PERSONABLE
SHE SHOULDN'T KEEP ON ACTIN' LIKE THIS--
ROSE. LOOK OUT, MICKEY, THAT SANTA'S SHOOTIN' UP A FIREBALL—
DUCK, I DON'T THINK HE WILL MISS!
MICKEY and ROSE duck as Santas start shooting flames at them. Shoppers scream in panic.
MICKEY. ROSE, I THINK WE SHOULD SCRAM BEFORE THE ELVES ATTACK US!
ROSE. GOOD IDEA—WE SHOULD TRY TO GET HOME.
MICKEY. I WONDER WHO THEY'LL GET TO PAY FOR ALL THIS . . .
ROSE. WHERE'S MY MOBILE? MUM, PICK UP THE PHONE!
MICKEY and ROSE pile into a taxi. They get home. JACKIE is on the phone.
JACKIE. (to the phone) Oh yeah, it's just me worthless daughter and her worthless boyfriend and her worthless alien paedophile mate . . . (notices them) Hiya, home for tea? (in response to ROSE's look)
I COULD UNDERSTAND A PERSON
IF HE WASN'T GOOD IN BED (indicates MICKEY)
ROSE. DOO DOO DOO DOO—
MICKEY. DO.
JACKIE. I COULD UNDERSTAND A PERSON
IF HE ACTUALLY WAS DEAD! (indicatesTHE DOCTOR)
PERSON ON THE PHONE. DOO DOO DOO DOO DO!
ROSE flings herself onto the bed next to THE DOCTOR.
ROSE. KNOCK KNOCK!
IS ANYBODY THERE?
KNOCK KNOCK!
MICKEY. IT REALLY ISN'T FAIR . . . (indicates ROSE)
ROSE. KNOCK KNOCK!
MICKEY. I'M WORKIN' ALL MY CHARMS . . .
ROSE. KNOCK KNOCK! (throws herself onto THE DOCTOR)
A ZOMBIE'S IN MY ARMS!
JACKIE screams and runs into the room. The ugly Christmas tree is following her, cutting things to bits. MICKEY starts throwing precious family heirlooms at it. JACKIE screams louder.
MICKEY. I told ya not to accept dodgy Tesco Christmas trees!
JACKIE. Aw, but they were on sale with the insurance! We have to get out of here!
ROSE. I can't leave the Doctor! Maybe if I stick my tongue in his ear . . .
THE DOCTOR sits up and blasts the Christmas tree to smithereens with his sonic screwdriver, which will get several of its own jokes later.
ROSE. Wow! (sticks her tongue in MICKEY's ear. He squeals like a girl. They follow THE DOCTOR out of the room. He goes outside to look at the waiting Santas who beam away. He feels around in his pockets.)
THE DOCTOR. LOTSA FRUIT,
POCKETS'A FRUIT—
ANYONE THINK IT'S JUST A LITTLE CONVOLUTE?
EVERYONE. YOU'RE CRAZY,
IT'S A VITAL PLOT POINT!
ROSE. YOU'RE A DEEPLY MALADJUSTED—
THE DOCTOR. I need—
JACKIE. NEVER TO BE TRUSTED—
THE DOCTOR. I need—
EVERYONE. CRAZY PERSON YOURSELF!
THE DOCTOR. Shut up!!! Aagh! (Burps. Collapses.)
MICKEY (to ROSE). Do that again?
She looks at him. Flings herself into his arms.
Back at the undisclosed government super secret base, HARRIET stares up at a giant screen.
HARRIET. I said, who they?
SYCORAX appear on the screen. Begin singing, but their language is gobbledy-gook. Supertitles appear translating their song.
Song. SYCORAX (MASQUERADE) (Lloyd Webber/Stilgoe/Hart)
SYCORAX. SYCORAX!
WE ARE THE SCARY SYCORAX!
SYCORAX!
WE WILL BEND YOU TO OUR WILL—THEN—
SYCORAX!
WE ARE BADDIES TO THE MAX!
SYCORAX!
GIVE UP OR WE WILL KILL THEM!
HARRIET. Who them?
POSSESSED PEOPLE with blue halos begin leaving the room. TV monitors show them leaving every room in the entire world.
POSSESSED PEOPLE. TO THE ROOF! TO THE ROOF!
LET US END THIS SILLY SPOOF!
WE'VE GONE BARMY, YOU CAN SEE
WITH THIS SONG'S MONOTONY!
POSSESSED PEOPLE'S RELATIVES. BUT WHAT ARE THEY DOING?
(variously) EMILY! DEAR OLD GRAN!
SIMON, PLEASE! UNCLE DAN!
STOP! WHAT IS GOING ON?
PLEASE PUT SOME TROUSERS ON!
LLEWELLYN. OH MY GOD I KNOW WHAT'S WRONG!
SYCORAX!
THEY'VE STOPPED US IN OUR TRACKS!
SYCORAX!
I SENT DATA INTO SPACE—
SYCORAX—
I'M AFRAID WE'RE OVERTAXED . . .
(SYCORAX)
FOR YOU SEE, THEY HAVE GOT THE ACE.
Everyone gathers around him, waiting for him to explain.
LLEWELLYN. WHAT A PLOT! WHAT A CHEEK!
WHY, I CAN HARDLY SPEAK!
THEY'VE GOT POWER OVER BLOOD (shows them a photo of the blood he sent into space)
AND IF NOT STOPPED, THEN THEY SHOULD—
HARRIET. (AND HERE WE STAND AGHAST!)
LLEWELLYN. THEY'LL KILL
ABOUT A THIRD OF US
AND THE ROYALS TOO
HARRIET. (WELL, THIS'LL BE A BLAST!)
LLEWELLYN. THERE'S NOTHING WE CAN DO,
SAVE GET A FILMING CREW
AND PUT IT ON TV,
FOR EVERYONE TO SEE—
HARRIET. (marches up to him)WELL, NOW YOU'VE GOT THE AXE,
BEFORE THE SYCORAX!
LLEWELLYN. Well, I'm the expendable Welshman. I expected that.
HARRIET (on TV in the Tylers' flat). I'M CALLING YOU,
I'M CALLING YOU, DOCTOR—
YOU CAN DO THE TRICK!
GREAT BRITAIN,
GREAT BRITAIN NEEDS YOU—
HURRY UP, YOU PRICK!
I'M DESPERATE HERE,
YOU SEE, IT'S MY WORST FEAR—
I NEVER DID THIS IN FLYDALE NORTH—
ROSE. MICKEY, WE'VE GOT TO HELP THEM!
MICKEY. OKAY, ROSE, BUT—
ROSE (to JACKIE). SEE YOU LATER!
ROSE TYLER'S GOING FORTH!
ROSE, dragging THE DOCTOR, and MICKEY get into THE TARDIS. They step out on the SYCORAX planet. They see HARRIET there as well as two charred corpses, one in the shape of a red dragon. The SYCORAX LEADER growls at them.
SYCORAX LEADER. SYCORAX!
I'M THE NASTY SYCORAX!
SYCORAX!
I'M THE LEADER AND I'M SCARY!
ROSE. SYCORAX!
I'M ROSE TYLER, WATCH YOUR BACKS—
SYCORAX!
I'M A BLONDE BOMBSHELL; BE WARY!
SYCORAX!
YOU'D BETTER STOP WITH THESE ATTACKS,
SYCORAX—
I'M RUNNING OUT OF—
THE TARDIS doors open, and THE DOCTOR appears. Everyone gasps.
THE DOCTOR. WHY SO SILENT, EVERYONE?
HAD YOU GIVEN ME UP FOR DEAD?
LIKE MY PJS, EVERYONE?
HEY, DOES SOMEONE HAVE A MIRROR?
HARRIET hands him a mirror. He looks at himself for awhile.
THE DOCTOR. HMM, THE EARS ARE IMPROVED,
THOUGH I WAS HOPING FOR GINGER.
I'M JUST STARTING MY HEROICS,
AND DEMONSTRATING FINESSE.
THOUGH IT SEEMS I'M LOOKING YOUNGER,
I SHOULD PROBABLY CONFESS—
SYCORAX LEADER. Who are you?!
THE DOCTOR. Haven't you watched this show before? I DON'T KNOW!!!! Hence the fact I haven't got a name.
ROSE. He has a point there.
THE DOCTOR. Hey, Rose, do you think I'm sexy?
ROSE. What?!
THE DOCTOR. Thought I'd see if you were still awake.
--I'M STILL BAD-ASS—(to the SYCORAX LEADER) DO YOU WANT TO FIGHT??!
ROSE. (hands him a sword) Doctor . . . what are you going to do?
THE DOCTOR. I'll explain later.
They fight.
ROSE. For what it's worth—Doctor—I do—think . . . you're sexy. He turns around.
THE DOCTOR. Eh, what?
ROSE. Doctor, look out!
The SYCORAX LEADER chops off THE DOCTOR's hand. Everyone gasps.
THE DOCTOR. Nah, don't worry about it. It'll give my favourite buccaneer something to be morbidly fixated about.
They fight some more. THE DOCTOR defeats THE SYCORAX LEADER, hits him a couple times over the head with oranges, apples, grapefruits, etc., 'til he falls into a chasm.
HARRIET. Thank you for saving my life, Doctor, and the Earth, all that.
THE DOCTOR. Well, we go way back. (hugs her)
HARRIET. But I liked you a lot better when you were Northern. You were brooding, you were tortured, and you wore leather.
THE DOCTOR. (stung) Sorry.
HARRIET. In light of these . . . irreconcilable differences, I'm going to blow up the Sycorax.
THE DOCTOR. HUH?!
Explosion.
At the Tylers' flat, JACKIE steals MR BEAN's turkey and prepares it while THE DOCTOR rummages through his closet. MICKEY begs ROSE to stick her tongue in his ear. They settle for opening crackers at the table. THE DOCTOR arrives and opens a cracker.
Song. THE PERFECT YEAR (Lloyd Webber/Black)
ROSE. IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE
AND HOPES ARE HIGH:
RING ONE GUY IN,
KISS ONE GOODBYE. Quite literally.
THOUGH HARRIET
IS NOW A SLUG
AT LEAST SHE GAVE
TORCHWOOD A PLUG!
WE DON'T NEED A MILLION DOLLARS—
EVERYTHING WE WANT IS HERE.
(to THE DOCTORWHEN YOU'RE WITH ME
THIS YEAR WILL BE
THE PERFECT YEAR!
THE DOCTOR. IT MAY BE WEIRD
AT FIRST TO SEE
A DOCTOR WHO'S
AS CUTE AS ME.
IF YOU WILL LOOK
AT SEASONS PAST
IT'S NOT THE YOUTH
THAT MADE THEM LAST!
NOW THAT THE SHOW IS FORTY,
WE'RE DUE FOR A CHANGE, IT'S CLEAR:
LET'S WAIT AND SEE,
THIS YEAR MAY BE,
THE PERFECT YEAR.
MICKEY jealousy turns up the TV. HARRIET appears on it, looking very flustered. THE DOCTOR puts on his glasses. Several people faint.
THE DOCTOR. I told her I could break her with six words.
MICKEY. What were they?
THE DOCTOR. Isn't Russell T Davies a clever git?
RING OUT THE OLD,
RING IN THE NEW.
UP THERE ABOVE,
ALIENS ARE THROUGH!
JACKIE. OH LOOK OUTSIDE!
(to THE DOCTOR) BEFORE YOU BASH,
LOOK AT THE SNOW!
THE DOCTOR. NO, THAT'S JUST ASH.
BUT ISN'T THIS A BIT ROMANTIC?
MICKEY. YEAH, A BIT TOO MUCH, I FEAR.
THE DOCTOR. LET'S WAIT AND SEE,
THIS YEAR MAY BE . . .
ROSE. The perfect year?
THE DOCTOR. The most lucrative, certainly.
Curtain comes down on the four of them outside in the ash.
Next time: Act One. Scene One. New Earth. (Beauty and the Beast)
1 Ooh we ooh, oooh we oooh, doo doo doo, doo doo doo . . .