The summer isn't progressing as much as I hoped. I thought that I'd be able to write more often now that I'm on summer break, and then I'd be able to update these stories faster. But for some reason, I seem to be writing less than I was during the school year. Isn't that weird?

To date, this was the hardest chapter I've written. I know I've said that about one other chapter, but this one...ugh. It was just really hard. I'm surprised I got it done.

Once again, thanks to Super Kat for beta-reading it! On with the story!

Three young and curious eyes watched Donatello on his hands and knees, looking under the couch and checking under the rug before slowly crawling across the floor. After a minute, the purple-masked turtle crawled back to the couch, looking under it again. After exchanging confused glances with his other brothers, Raphael couldn't take it any longer.

"Donnie," he said, "what the heck are ya doin'?"

"Just…nothing…" Donnie replied, crawling back to the couch for the hundredth time that evening.

The three glanced at each other once again. "Whatcha lookin' for?" Michelangelo asked.

"Nothing…" the intelligent turtle repeated, looking under the rug.

They watched as he crawled over to the bunk beds. "Need some help?" Leonardo offered.

"No…I'm okay…" Don sighed, slowly crawling as he kept his eyes on the floor.

The three looked at each other, but before they could ask their brother any more questions, Master Splinter returned from meditating in the dojo. "Time for bed, my sons," he stated.

"Yes, Master Splinter," the three boys replied. But Donatello was still too busy to answer.

As the others scrambled to their beds, the rat walked to his son on the floor. "Donatello," he said.

The purple-masked turtle sighed, looking under the rug again. "I know, Master Splinter," he finally said. "Just…I just need a minute."

"What are you doing, my son?"

"That's what we were wond'rin'," Mikey said, climbing onto his bunk. As he pulled himself up, his messed blanket tumbled down onto Raph.

"Hey, watch what yer doin' up there, nitwit!" the red-masked turtle said, pulling the sheet off his head and throwing it back onto the top bunk.

"Raphael," Splinter admonished.

Raph glared up as Mikey snickered softly. "Sorry, Master," he muttered. When their sensei turned back to the brother looking under the couch again, he stuck his tongue out at Mikey before pulling back the covers.

"Hey Raph?" Leo said just as the other was about to crawl into bed. "What's that?"

Raphael turned towards the other curiously. "What's what?"

Leo pointed. "There's something on the back of your head."

Michelangelo peered down from his bunk. "It looks kinda like a spider," he said.

From the corner of his eye, Raph saw Donnie and Splinter look in his direction. But he could only think of the faint touch of tiny legs crawling down his neck. His heart pounded against his plastron when he realized the spider was going to crawl inside his shell. He tried to hide the panic in his voice as he said, "Someone get it off me…!"

"Be careful, Raph!" Leo warned, jumping to his feet. "It could be poisonous!"

"I didn' need ta hear that!" Raph snapped. "Just get it offa me!"

The blue-masked turtle reached for his pillow. "Okay…" he said, slowly approaching the other. "Lemme just…"

"I got it!" Mikey exclaimed, grabbing his own pillow.

"No, Mikey don't!" But Leo could only watch as his youngest brother jumped off his bunk bed, smacking Raph with the pillow as he tackled him to the ground.

"That's enough," Splinter said, pulling the orange banded turtle off Raphael and taking the pillow.

"Oops," Mikey said with a sheepish smile. "I think I missed it."

Rubbing his head, Raph jumped to his feet and glared at his younger brother. "Yeah, I bet you did…" His voice trailed off as he looked around frantically. "Where is it?! Where'd it go?!"

"Calm down, Raph," Leonardo said, placing a hand on his brother's shoulder. "Don't worry about it. It's gone now."

"No!" Raph retorted, pulling away from the other's touch as he continued to look around. "It's still around here somewhere! Like you said, it could be poisonous!"

Leo raised a curious eyebrow. "Since when do you listen to me?"

Raph ignored the comment. "We need ta kill it!" he insisted, stepping towards the bunk beds. As he reached for his pillow, he jumped into Leo when a dark brown spot with eight legs crawled across his bed. "There it is! Someone kill it!"

"No!" Donatello said suddenly. He was kneeling by the couch, reaching under it. "Don't kill it! I'll get it!" Pulling out a jar and a lid, he then ran over to the bunk beds. The spider rested at the foot of the bed, and the purple-masked turtle carefully moved the sheets back before placing the jar on top of the arachnid. Easing the lid underneath the jar, he then lifted it off the bed and closed the container with the spider inside.

Taking a step back from the bunk bed, Donnie looked at the spider in the jar and avoided the curious gazes of his family. "It's, uh…not poisonous," he said softly, waiting as the spider crawled against the sides of the glass jar before slowly turning it right side-up. "It's a vibrating spider, and it's pretty harmless."

"Is that what you were looking for earlier, Donatello?" Splinter asked.

"Uh…Yes, Sensei," Donnie answered. "I found it in the dojo after practice this morning."

"But why would ya wanna keep somethin' like that anyway?" Raph demanded. He curled his fingers to stop his hand from shaking. "Bugs are so gross!"

"It's not really a bug," Donnie corrected. "It's an arachnid."

Mikey laughed suddenly. "Y'know Raph, I bet Donnie was waitin' to put the spider in your bed, so you'd freak out."

"You mean like the way he was freaking out before?" Leo asked, a touch of amusement hidden in his voice.

"Yeah, kinda like that!"

Donnie shook his head. "Nu-uh!" he replied. "I just wanted to study the way it moves on its web, that's all! But I guess I didn't close the jar properly, so it got out. I didn't mean for it to scare you, Raph."

The red-masked turtle glared at the younger one. "I wasn't scared!" he snapped. "It just…surprised me, s'all."

"You were so scared!" Mikey taunted. "When you saw that spider, you jumped so much higher than you did during training!"

Splinter sighed. "That is enough," he said before Raphael had a chance to answer back. "It is getting late, and all of you should go to sleep."

Raphael bit his tongue as he looked at his bed. While Leo and Mikey climbed into their bunks, the red-masked turtle carefully lifted his blanket and looked at the mattress underneath.

"Is anything wrong, Raphael?" Splinter asked.

"Uh…no Master Splinter," Raph replied, trying not to cringe as he climbed into bed. Sitting on his knees, he lifted his pillow and looked under it.

Watching Raphael with an uncertain expression, Splinter then turned to the purple-masked turtle and held out his paw. Donnie hesitated, looking at the jar in his hands. "You're not gonna kill it, are you?" he asked.

"No," Splinter assured. "It will stay in the living room for tonight, and we will decide what to do with it in the morning."

Satisfied, Donatello nodded and held the jar up to the master. As Splinter went to place the jar on the table, Donnie tried to ignore Raph's angry look as he climbed up to his bunk bed.

Hanging over the edge of his bed, Mikey looked at Raph. "Don't worry," the orange-banded turtle said with a mischievous grin. "I'm sure the spider didn't lay eggs in your bed."

Raph smacked the other with his pillow. "Shut up, Mikey!" he snapped.

Donnie frowned. "But Mikey…it's a male spider…"

"Yeah," Mikey continued on, "and you shouldn't think about what would happen if the eggs hatched and crawled into your brain."

With a growl, Raph punched the mattress above him as hard as he could, hoping to topple the younger turtle over. He never considered that idea before. A shudder coursed through his body, but he hid it by punching the mattress again.

"Raphael," Splinter reprimanded as he returned to his sons' beds. He turned to Leonardo. "Leonardo, please exchange beds with Raphael for tonight."

The blue-masked turtle nodded. "Yes Sensei," he answered.

Raphael frowned a little. Sleeping in Leo's bed would have been a lot better if it wasn't right under Donatello's. After all, it was all Donnie's fault for keeping that stupid spider to begin with.

After tucking each of the boys in, Splinter shut off the light and retreated to his own room.

No matter how tired Raph was, he couldn't sleep. How could he, knowing that thing was just in the other room? If it got out of the jar once, why couldn't it get out again? And how would Donnie know it's a boy, anyway? What if the spider got out and laid eggs while they were all asleep? Then the lair would be swarming with spiders! Raph clenched his fists and pulled the blanket tighter around him.

'Stupid Donnie,' he thought. 'Why'd he hafta keep that stupid spider in the lair, anyway?'

The mattress above him moved, shaking the entire wooden frame of the bunk with a low creak. Raph glared up at the bed when it moved again. He didn't know that Don moved around so much when he slept. How did Leo put up with it?

Raphael rolled onto his side with a yawn, ignoring the bunk bed shaking and groaning as his younger brother tossed and turned. He closed his eyes and tried once more to go to sleep. He tried not to think about the spider, even when its image burned underneath his eyelids; it inched closer and closer to his head, spinning a web over his mouth before slowly crawling into his ear and…

His body jerked him awake even though he hadn't been fully asleep. Rubbing his eyes, he sighed and wondered how long he had laid there. The bed above him shifted and creaked again, and it was really starting to annoy him. But just as Raphael was about to kick the mattress, he saw two small feet hang over the edge of the top bed. He lay as still as he could, watching through the darkness as Donatello slowly climbed down the steps of the bunk. When he reached the bottom, the other quietly made his way to the living room.

Raph rolled his eyes. Donnie was probably going to study his bug even though they were supposed to be sleeping. How could Don get near that thing? Bugs were so weird and nasty, and Raph couldn't stand them.

All of his thoughts came to a halt when Donnie came back into view. At first he thought that his brother was heading back to bed. But then he watched with wide eyes as Donnie left the lair.

Raph sat up quickly. It was one thing to be up when they were supposed to be sleeping. But to leave the lair? Alone? They were never supposed to go out of the lair by themselves! What if Donnie got hurt?

Without another thought, he threw his blanket off and jumped out of bed. Then as quietly as he could, he ran out of the lair after his younger brother.

The tunnel that led out of the lair went only one way for a while, but Raph had no idea which direction to take when he got to the fork. He didn't know why Donnie left the lair to begin with, and without a clue what Donnie was up to he couldn't guess where the other was heading. Still, he knew had to try and find Donnie in case something happened to him.

As he passed one of the ladders that led to the surface, he heard a metallic scraping sound echo against the sewer walls. He slowed to a stop, listening to the noise for a moment before backing up to the ladder. Looking up the steps, Raph could just make out the small shelled silhouette at the top of the ladder pushing against the manhole cover.

Raph knew exactly who it was up there, so he didn't worry as he called up, "Donnie!"

"Whoa!" he heard the other cry out, and his eyes widened beneath his bandana when he saw Donnie slip and fall down the ladder.

"I gotcha Donnie!" Raph said, positioning himself under the other and holding his arms out. Unfortunately his aim was slightly off, and instead of landing in Raph's waiting arms, Donnie crashed onto Raph's shell and sent both of them tumbling to the ground.

The purple-masked turtle groaned softly and rubbed his head. Looking down and realizing that he was on top of his brother, he gasped and scrambled to get up. "Raph, are you okay?" he asked, kneeling in front of the other.

Raph groaned, looking up at the younger turtle. "Just dandy…" he muttered, pushing himself up.

"I'm sorry, Raph! I didn't mean to land on you…" Donnie paused, looking at Raph with a curious frown. "What're you doing out here, anyway?"

"I was just about to ask you the same thin'," Raph replied.

Donnie looked away, fiddling with something in his hands. "I just…had to do something, that's all."

"Why would ya –?" Raphael stopped when he realized what his brother was holding. "Isn't that the jar…you were keepin' the spider in?"

"Oh…well…yeah…"

"What the shell are ya doin' with that thing?!" Raph demanded, jumping to his feet. "I followed ya out here because you wanted ta play with your pet spider?!"

"No Raph!" Donnie replied. "That's not why –!"

"So what then?" Raph retorted, his fists clenching at his sides. "Were you out here gettin' more spiders? Gettin' more bugs ta fill the lair and –"

"I let it go, Raph! The spider's gone!"

Raph froze, his eyes widening. "You let it go?" he repeated.

Donnie nodded, pointing up at the manhole. "Up there. So you don't have to worry about it here or anything."

"But…I thought you wanted ta study it or whatever."

"Well, yeah…" Donnie continued to play with the jar in his hands. "I read a little about vibrating spiders, and I wanted to see how they rotate on their webs…but I couldn't keep it now that you know about it."

"Me?" Raph asked, pointing to himself.

Donnie nodded again. "That's why I was trying to find it by myself before. I couldn't ask you to help, and Mikey couldn't keep a secret to save his life. Leo would have helped me look for it, but he wouldn't have kept it a secret unless I gave him a good enough reason, and I couldn't tell him it was because of you."

Raphael held up his hands. "Okay, wait…What do I gotta do with it?"

"Well, I didn't want you to know that I had the spider since you're afraid of bugs and everything…"

"I'm not afraid of bugs!"

Donnie paused, looking at the jar he held before looking at Raph. "That's why I was trying to hide the spider before…so you wouldn't know I had it. I didn't mean for it to get out and scare you. Please don't be mad at me, Raphie…"

Raph was about to repeat that he was not afraid of the spider, but quickly closed his mouth. Even in the dim sewer lights, he could see the small tears forming behind the purple bandana. He shook his head and sighed. "C'mon, don't be a baby, Donnie. I ain't mad at ya."

Donnie sniffled softly. "Really?"

"No…well, not anymore anyway. But you gotta stop sayin' I'm afraid of bugs."

The younger turtle looked at him skeptically, but nodded anyway. "Okay."

Raphael frowned a little, unsure of what else to say. "Well, um…" he attempted, "we…uh…better get back to the lair."

"Okay," Donnie replied, following Raph home.

Raphael opened his eyes, blinking through the darkness to stare at the ceiling of his room. He frowned, unsure how late it was or when he had dozed off. He remembered coming into his room after they returned from being topside, and the last thing he recalled was thinking about Donnie. Thinking about how little time his brother had left…worrying about what Donnie was possibly going through right now…and wondering why he never told anyone what was happening.

Sitting up in his bed, Raph found himself chuckling. At least his dream made some sense now. After all, Donnie never did like causing trouble for others if he could help it, whether it was about a spider…or himself. Don probably never said anything about his condition because he didn't want anyone to be bothered by it.

But even though Donnie meant well and never intended to cause trouble, trouble seemed to happen anyway.

Raph sighed, driving away the remaining sleep from his eyes. It didn't matter what time it was, he didn't feel like going back to sleep. Because, though he didn't like to think too much, so many thoughts wouldn't leave him alone.

That was probably the reason behind Donnie's troubles…thinking too much. Personally, Raph preferred to react quickly with reflexive actions. If he spent a lot of time thinking, it would only give him a chance to wonder, to question…to doubt. That was just something he couldn't afford to do.

He couldn't imagine what it was like for someone like Donnie. Always having to consider every little detail…always having to look over everything that might go wrong. After taking into account every possible thing that could happen, how could someone decide anything?

Plus even someone as smart as Don could overlook something, no matter how long he thought the matter over. In Raph's memory for example, for all Don's thinking, he didn't think about what would happen if the spider got out. And for all Don's thinking, he didn't think about what would happen if the rest of his family learned of his weakening condition, no matter how hard he tried to keep it a secret.

Don never meant to cause trouble. But sometimes he just spent so much time thinking, trouble happened before he could do anything about it.

Even so, Raph had to admit that he really respected his brother's ability to think. Not only because Donnie took the time to consider what might go wrong, but also because he risked doing something despite it. He couldn't imagine how hard it must be to try something even when you know how bad it could turn out. To come up with the very worst possibility, and then taking the chance to do it anyway took a lot of guts.

Raph really admired that about his younger brother. That was probably why he found himself thinking a lot more since Donnie's disappearance.

Even after Raph spent a month trying to convince his brother, Leo was still being a pain in the shell and refusing to check out Foot Central. In normal circumstances, Raph would have just gone ahead and checked the place out anyway. He actually tried to do so a while ago. But just when he had managed to sneak out of the lair, he found that Mikey had followed him. He had a feeling that Mikey would follow him even if he went to Foot headquarters, and as much as it annoyed him he found himself thinking.

If he went ahead into Foot headquarters, Mikey and Leo would follow him in no matter what. And while they were all capable of taking care of themselves, it was still dangerous. He was sure he could handle himself, but he didn't like the idea of Leo and Mikey having to look for him and Donnie while avoiding all the potential dangers in the building.

After all, he already sentenced one brother to death. He wasn't going to do the same to his other two.

It had taken Raph a lot of time to realize that information. There was too much to worry about when Donnie was first infected with the mutagen virus to really think about anything other than finding a way to cure Don. But after hearing about Don's current predicament, he could finally see how it was all his fault.

Leatherhead told them that Donnie's health was failing because of previous damage from the virus. Afterwards, the scene of how Donnie acquired the virus constantly replayed in Raph's mind, reminding him of how it happened. He was only trying to help after Donnie had taken a fall. But there was no time to think when the mutated monster attacked them with a wave of claws. As always, his reflexes reacted first, and he pushed Don out of the way.

And right into the path of the claw that cut him.

It was an accident, of course. But it didn't change the fact that it was his fault that Don had been infected with the virus. It was his fault that Donnie was still dying now. He didn't think about his actions that day…and it had ultimately killed his brother.

Did Donnie know it was his fault? With all the time the intelligent turtle spent thinking, did he come to that same conclusion and blame him…the way he blamed himself?

Raphael growled softly, clenching his fists as he lay back in his bed. Then he sighed and pulled off his mask, throwing it against the opposite wall. They had to find Donnie soon, or he'd never get the chance to apologize. He needed to tell Don how sorry he was, and say everything else he never said before. Maybe it wouldn't help save his brother, but it could certainly show Don just how much he was really cared for….Because he deserved to know.

"I should just go look for 'im myself," he muttered, his own voice pounding in his ears against the dark stillness. "I shoulda done it a long time ago!"

But what about Leo and Mikey? You don't know what will happen when they go after you. You can't just endanger them like that.

Raph shook his head, trying to rid his thoughts of the Donnie-like voice. This was the kind of hesitation he tried to avoid – the kind that came with deep thinking. He hated waiting for the go-ahead. And he couldn't understand why Leo was taking so long to do something else – anything else – to find their missing brother, besides looking around the city for the zillionth time. Donnie only had three months left! They needed to do something soon.

But the guilt eating away at him prevented him from doing what he should have. Because even though Leo was annoying as hell recently, he couldn't bring himself to do anything that could put Leo and Mikey in trouble.

He'd already done enough of that.

So Raph would wait, no matter how much it irritated him. And just because he had to wait didn't mean he couldn't keep convincing Leo to check out his idea. He would just have to try harder.

But he couldn't just sit around waiting forever. He had to do something.

With a frustrated sigh, Raphael sat up again and got out of bed. After retrieving his mask, he walked out of his room and into the open darkness of the lair. He figured that a late-night snack might help him get back to sleep.

He never made it to the kitchen, however, and instead found himself standing at Donatello's workstation. Though the computer was shut down, Leatherhead had left the monitor on after he finished looking for some of Donnie's notes about Bishop's mutagen. Even after so many months of searching, the croc still had no way to help Don's condition. He continued to try, but he still couldn't find any cure.

Raph scowled, fingering one of Donnie's unfinished gadgets. At least Leatherhead was doing something useful. Ever since he realized Don's weakening state was his fault, Raph thought about finding a way to fix it. Part of him hoped he could find some way to heal his brother, to repair the damage he caused.

He snorted. "Yeah right," he muttered. "Donnie couldn't find a cure, even with Leatherhead's help. How th' shell am I supposed ta?"

But as he continued to toy with the gizmo in his hand, Raph once again found himself thinking. Back when Donnie transformed, Leatherhead told them he wouldn't be able cure Don. Yet Stockman had a way to change Donnie back. So why was Stockman able to do it when Leatherhead couldn't?

Was it because Stockman…had access to better technology?

Raph frowned and scratched the top of his head. Donnie and Leatherhead were smart…but no matter how awesome their stuff was, most of their gear was limited to what they could find and make changes to. Stockman, on the other hand, had access to the best equipment available. There was little he couldn't do with that kind of stuff.

So…if Leatherhead could get better technology…would he be able to find a cure for Donnie?

The red-banded ninja glanced at the dim computer screen and switched it off. He'd run it by Leatherhead in the morning. He wasn't particularly close to the crocodile, especially after the incident with Mikey…but he would do anything if it would save Donnie.

Obviously, though, it wouldn't be easy to get that kind of stuff. But depending on what the croc needed, April might be able to get a hold of something. Maybe Raph could even convince Leo that they could get things from places nearby. It was to help Donnie, after all; surely Fearless Leader would approve of that.

It was worth a shot, at least. But even if it worked, there would be no point…if they couldn't find Don in time to help him.

Raph sighed. "Just hold on, Donnie. You gotta hold on…"

TBC