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2.20am Sunday the 12th, March 2006 – Ray & Neela's Apartment

"Oh god!" Neela pulled the pillow over her head; she wanted to sleep, that's all she wanted to do right now. If that ringing would just stop she was sure she'd go back to sleep. Rolling over, she peeked out from under her pillow to see the thick red numbers on her alarm clock; 2:21. "Great," Neela said as she rolled over, she had to be back at the hospital in three hours.

In her semi dazed state she recognized Ray's ring tone. "Ray!" She called out as the ringing volume increased. "Ray, answer your phone." Neela wearily stumbled out of bed toward the living room, narrowly missing the doorframe as she stumbled into the next room.

She could hear the phone but couldn't see anything. Neela spent a brief moment feeling the wall behind her for the light switch before flicking it on, instantly wishing she hadn't as the glow blinded her. Digging around on the floor, she found Ray's ringing jeans and groped the pockets trying to retrieve the offending phone. She sighed irritably as it stopped ringing just as she dragged it free.

Dropping onto the couch, Neela settled her head on a cushion and thought for a moment about watching some television, wondering if there was any point in trying to go back to sleep. But this was as comfortable as she'd been all night if she just hadn't turned on that bloody light. The light became the least of her concerns as she felt the phone begin to vibrate in her hand.

"Ray," she called again before flipping the now ringing phone open, "Yes ... No, you've got the right number. I'll wake him ..." Taking the cell away from her ear, "Gladly," Not even bothering to knock on his door, Neela walked into Ray's room. His sleeping body was wrapped in a blanket with his arms draped protectively over a pillow. 'Thank god it was only a pillow.' she said to herself. "Ray, wake up." Neela pulled the pillow from his arms and fell onto his bed. "Ray." Neela squeezed his shoulder and then started to shake him in an attempt to wake him.

"I'm not working today," was Ray's muffled reply.

"Ray, wake up. It's some girl." Neela handed him the cell and pulled some of his quilt over her bare legs. "Can you tell them not to call in the middle of the night."

"Yeah," Ray said as he leaned on the cell. "Who?" Ray suddenly sat straight up in bed. "You're where? ... NO ... NO ... Yeah well, this is what it feels like!" With that Ray snapped his cell shut.

Neela watched him grip the cell so tight that his knuckles turned white. She pulled the pillow a little closer to herself as she listened to Ray drew in a few deep breaths. He seemed to be staring at it blankly waiting for something to happen. Than without warning he pulled his arm back and pitched the phone at the wall with enough force that it shattered on impact.

"Ray!" Neela jumped up startled his reaction to the call. "What was that?"

"I'm sorry." Ray pulled his knees up, wrapping his arms around them and burying his head for a moment before raising it again. "I'm sorry," he said quietly as he shook his head a few times.

"Who was that?" It wasn't uncommon for him to get call at all times of the night and day but Neela realized that something was very wrong, "Ray."

"No one." His voice was muffled as he buried his head between his knees again only this time he covered it with both his arms.

"Ray." Neela caught a glimpse of Ray's face. His cheeks were flushed his eyes rimmed red. He was hiding from her; he was also hiding whoever it was on the phone from her as well.

"It was my mother," Ray's voice rose just above a whisper. "If you'd even call her that."

The wobble in his voice confirmed what Neela couldn't see. "But she said her name was Jane Copper."

"That's her, dear old mom."

Sitting back down on the bed, Neela gently placed her hand on the top of his knee, "What did she want?" Neela knew little of Ray's family mostly because he never really spoke about them; she suspected that he used the odd comments he'd make about his mother holidaying in an odd location to deflect attention away from his family; away from him. But when it came to the real story she knew it hurt him. It seemed to Neela that it was better to just pretend that he didn't have any family. She'd taken her lead from him and never asked any questions and she wasn't sure that now was the time to start.

"She wants me to pick her up."

"And you don't want to do that?" Neela didn't know what to say.

"She wants me to get her from the Bridgeport police station. She wants me to bail her out."

"Oh." Neela really didn't know what to say now.

"She was never there for me, not once," he turned his head away from Neela. "I asked her to come to my graduation ... from medical school. I've never asked for anything from them. Never ..."

Neela could see Ray's shoulders shaking. "Ray," Her voice was barely above a whisper as she reached out. She wasn't sure if she should touch him so her hand hovered just over his shoulder.

"I didn't ask for money to pay for school … I didn't want any from her … I just asked if she could come to my graduation. I thought she be proud … only mom couldn't find the time." Ray said as he turned to face Neela the first tear fell. "But don't worry, Mom's got my number as soon as she needs something."

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6:15am Monday the 15th, January 2007 – County General Hospital

Ray had been standing in the ambulance bay for the last 20 minutes, pacing back and forth with no real purpose. The night had really slowed down in the last few hours; he had managed to discharge all his patients except one; he was only waiting on a psych consult and the intern who he needed to sign him over to. At first he could only hear the crunch of the footsteps in the snow, he turned and a shy smile cocked the corner of his mouth as her saw her round the corner of the building. The smile disappeared as quickly as it came.

He dropped his head for a moment drawing in a deep breath of freezing air. It was meant to calm him but all he managed to do was burn his lungs. He pulled his old green coat more tightly around himself before looking up to focus on the couple walking toward him.

"Hey, Ray," Neela said. She couldn't tell from the blank expression on his face if he was even looking at her.

"Hi. Gates, you got a minute?" Ray was hoping that Neela wouldn't stop, just as that thought entered his head, the voice inside him told him he didn't need to worry about that anymore. Neela hadn't stopped to talk to him in months.

"Not really, I'm running late." Gates just smiled at him and continued to follow Neela as she made her way toward the main entrance.

"I know ... I can't leave until you get in," Ray called after him.

"Well I'm here now, so you can go." Tony turned and gave Ray a rye smile and then turned back.

"Gates." Ray's voice was firm as he called after him again.

Turning quickly, Gates walked back to Ray. "What?"

"Meg came in last night … she thought you were working." Ray wasn't sure what he was going to achieve by bring it up. But he wanted Gates to know that he had seen Meg; had spoken to her. Ray had had plenty of time to think about it while he waited. He wasn't going to say anything until he saw Gates round the corner with Neela. He'd been waiting outside because Gates was late and it was his last overnight for the month and all he wanted was to go home. "You'd better be putting your time into the right things." Ray paused. "Y'know one thing."

"I get it and I got it the first three times you warned me." stepping closer to Ray, he said, "She's a big girl … she can look after herself."

"Yeah, which one?" This time Ray pushed closer to Gates.

"Neela doesn't need you ..." Tony smiled and took a step back so he could pat Ray on the back, "not anymore anyway."

"Hey. Ray."

Ray turned to see Luka standing just a few feet from the entrance to the ER. "Yeah."

"I need your help."

"Sorry, I'm off." Ray was trying to keep his depressed expression to himself.

"I need you. Pratt called in sick and we've got four criticals rolling in from a head-on collision." Luka turned after finding the missing doctor he was looking for. "Gates, help Sam set up."

4:45pm

Swinging his backpack over his right shoulder, Ray couldn't believe that it had taken him ten hours to be standing back in the ambulance bay. Only this time, he was leaving, not waiting, not pacing; he was finally going home. He pulled his hood up over his head hoping to protect himself from the freezing wind; it also had the added benefit of blocking his view of another bus pulling in.

Two of the four from the head-on this morning had died; one was the driver of the car that had crossed to the wrong side of the road, the other, a 14 year old boy who never had a chance; he wasn't wearing a seatbelt and he had been thrown through the front windshield.

It was amazing that the boy made it as far as County.

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11:45pm Monday the 15th January – West Garfield Park, Chicago, Illinois

"What the hell were you thinking, Barnett?" Ray wasn't sure how long he'd been walking. It was that voice in his head that had dragged him out of his nice warm apartment and now his feet were frozen and he was lost. The edges of the pavement were covered in dirty brown snow and rubbish.

Walking hadn't changed anything. The boy from this morning was still dead, he'd tried to keep him alive until his parents arrived but the boy just couldn't hold on. His mother fell into Ray's arms and was unable to hold herself up; he didn't even get to finish saying that they did everything he could. This morning her life was perfect and he shattered with two words. 'I'm sorry.'

'You couldn't help that kid or his mother anymore than you can help yourself'. When things troubled him as a child he would walk for hours along the river or to a friend's house. He never understood why bad things happened to good people. That mother loved her son; Ray had stayed with her almost an hour as she told him how good he was at sports and school; that she was planning his surprise birthday party. That she had asked a friend to take him to school so she could pick up the invitations before she went to work.

As Ray listen he thought of his own mother. She didn't even remember his birthday. Why had this mother lost her only child when she would have done anything to keep him safe? And his mother didn't consider Ray anything more than a burden.

No matter how hard he tried he couldn't get her to love him; to really want him. He'd been a good kid; well compared to his friends he was. He had always been good at school. Hell he was a doctor but his mother had never seen that

So Ray walked. He was out in the freezing wind as the snow started to fall because his apartment was full of boxes. Because he lost that kid. Because it wasn't the kids mother he couldn't get out of his head; it was his own mother.

He'd been following the El tracks, he hadn't grown-up in this town and he was hoping by following the tracks he wouldn't get lost. Only he was lost. It must have been half an hour since he turned down a street and lost sight of the tracks. "Good one Ray!" He really had no idea where he was or how to get back to his apartment.

Ray heard voices at first; faint voices. But the street soon fell silent again. The only thing he could hear was that voice in his head and right now he was trying to put as much distance between him and it as possible. 'I'm going nuts, I'm trying to get away from a voice in my head…..'

Maybe it was being so wrapped up in the conversation he was having with himself that caused him not to notice; maybe it was just the 36 hours since he'd last slept. But Ray hadn't realized he'd turned into a street filled with abandoned buildings where the broken street lights far outweighed the working ones.

His thoughts were disrupted by the sound of footsteps crunching over the snow, and too late he realized the danger he was in, spinning just in time to see the faint light glint off the edge of the blade.

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