Author's Notes/Disclaimer: So, this is a parody of the book Eragon by Christopher Paolini! I don't own anything you recognize at all! I just own the way that they are put together and I certainly don't own the MAIN plot - that would be Paolini's plot. The characters aren't mine... well maybe a couple, but they usually aren't living and breathing characters... So I hope you enjoy! Please review! That would be awesomeness!

BRISINGR: ERAGON AFLAME!

Prologue: Shade of Fear

(If You Go Into the Woods Today)

Narrator: Our story begins in the boondocks, where a Shade, by the name of Carsai –erm -Durza, jumped off his steed and tiptoed through with his army of Urgals. The bright pink of their 'uniform required' ballet slippers shined in the full moon as they snuck, for Urgals had a hard time with tiptoeing. They were in thick boondocks of Alagaesia on a quest for the unknown bundle of joy, Galbatorix had sent them after.

Durza: (glares at the Urgal next to him and gags) Bloody hell, when is the last time you bathed? (clears throat) All of you, spread out, far far away from me…. or die. Kill anyone you see… or die. (mutters to self as Urgals move) I wish I could kill anyone I could smell….

Narrator: The Urgals tiptoe flamboyantly behind trees, nocking arrows, unsheathing swords, readying the can-openers, harpoons, and flyswatters for attack.

Durza: (glares at Urgal army muttering to self) It had to be Urgals… we couldn't use the army of pixies, could we? No, that would wreck the evil mood… so Galbatorix wanted Urgals. Bloody things will make me smell rancid for days… (puts multiple sets of 'new car scented' pine trees around neck) Ahhh – much better. Love that new car smell!

Narrator: Three shadows approach in the distance… a faint conversation is heard.

Owner of Shadow 1: I suppose you could say I look at life like this… (cocks head to the side and narrows eyes)

Owner of Shadow 2: That's a laugh.

Owner of Shadow 1: What's a laugh?

Owner of Shadow 2: That noise you make in the back of your throat.

Owner of Shadow 3: Would you two shut up?

Owner of Shadow 1: Are you feeling left out, my dear, Arya?

Owner 3/Arya: I sense danger up ahead… you two-

Owners of Shadows: (simultaneously - rolling eyes) Protect and serve… (they gallop their white steeds in front of Arya and continue on their merry way)

Narrator: Meanwhile, back with Durza…

Durza: (sees unknown bundle of joy in Arya's lap as they pass the first set of readied Urgals and sings to self) If you go into the woods today, you're sure of a big surprise… (hums it underneath breath with evil smile on his crazed face)

Dude on steed 1: Did you just cut the cheese?

Dude on steed 2: I had cheddar for lunch, Faolin. Cheese was sliced.

Dude 1/Faolin: I meant pass gas.

Dude 2: (looks around, sniffing air) Is it just me or does that smell like-

Arya: Urgals! Scatter!

Narrator: Aaand they're off! Faolin closing in on Dude 2, Arya brining up the rear, Faolin passed Dude 2 but - ohh! Taken down by an Urgal – that's got to sting! Arya closing in on Dude 2, neck and neck. horse whinnies Who would have thought a flyswatter could stop a horse dead in it's tracks?

Dude 2: (Flies out of saddle, and Arya rides past, sticking out tongue, giggling)

Durza: (jumps out from behind a bush) Garjzla! (red light jets from hand at the steed)

Arya: (jumps off horse, who falls to the ground dead and glares at Durza, clutching the bundle of joy)

Durza: (grins) I win. (he walks toward the elf)

Arya: (runs down the narrow path, muttering) Bloody Shades, they always ruin all the fun…

Durza: (starts running after her and stumbles on stick, however, he regains balance and keeps running as he glares at the Urgals) Bloody Urgals, must I do everything myself!? (raises hand) Istalri boetk! (a large area of the boondocks catches fire in front of Arya)

Arya: (skids to halt upon seeing the fire and turns around accusingly) You cheater!

Durza: (stalks toward her menacingly, the leaves crunching beneath his feet and the multiple air fresheners about his neck swaying) Give me the bundle of joy!

Narrator: But just as Durza was about to take the bundle of joy from Arya, she muttered her own gibberish, and poof – no more bundle of joy!

Durza: (screams like a girl, and raises hand) Not the bundle of joy! Garjzla! (glares at Ugals again and kills them, then mutters to self) I told Galbatorix he should have gotten the pixies, just as dangerous… but no, pixies aren't menacing enough – yeah, and what about that pink moat around your castle? (picks up flyswatter from dead Urgal I believe I'm going to need this in Gil'ead. drags unconscious elf to his own steed)

Narrator: So this chapter closes as Durza rides from the boondocks, bundle of joyless, and adurna-ing a path through the flames.

Durza: (sings) If you go into the woods today, you're sure of a big surprise…