Let's face it – everyone's life sucks to some degree. Even all the ninja in Konoha (plus a few "special exceptions" from other villages) have at least semi-sucky lives. Now we are going to walk a mile in the shoes (or, more accurately, sandals) of our favorite characters to discover just why their lives suck so badly.
Warning: This fic makes fun of EVERYONE. Don't flame me for poking fun at your favorite character. Naruto is my favorite anime/manga, and we all have to make fun of the things we love, so...yeah.
Side note: Gildergn (the writer (and that's pronounced "gil-dur-nyeh")) does not intend to offend anyone with what is written here. If you ARE offended, please note that Gildergn says, "Too bad, that's your problem" (see above note in bold).
Another side note: Occasionally, Ms. Sammons (AKA Sammons-sensei) will "poof" into the story. Her words are ACTUAL quotes, taken from the ACTUAL Sammons-sensei, in ACTUAL lectures she has given. By the way, she can read minds. So she knows what the characters are thinking. Wewt.
And the last note: I do not own the characters of Naruto (they're Kishi's bishis), nor do I own Sammons-sensei or Uvinkyu. I just, erm...borrowed/stole their personas for my fic. Muahaha.
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Naruto's POV:
I am NOT pregnant with Sasuke's child, DAMMIT! My life sucks because of FANFICTION! Someone just make it DIE!
-POOF, MOFOS-
Whoa, some creepy lady just poofed into the room! And I have a feeling she's late! Just like Kakashi... Hmm...
"Oh, dear God, kill it." Sammons-sensei points to a randomly placed computer, on a randomly opened webpage, viewing a randomly written fanfic...IN WHICH I AM PREGNANT!
Well, that's pretty much why I hate my life, besides the whole "demon" thing... Oh, and just a reminder... MEN CANNOT GIVE BIRTH, DAMMIT!
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Sakura's POV:
WHY!? Why does everyone call me a pink-haired whorebitch!? WHY!? For some reason, I'm going to rant out loud now, incase some creepy drama teacher decides to poof in later.
"NOBODY LOVES ME!"
-POOF, FOOLS-
"Sammons-sensei!" What is she doing here in the middle of my rant session? "Why are you here?" I feel a weight lifting from my shoulders, because she could only be here for one reason... Could it be that she is the one person who cares about me? The one person who can save me from wallowing in the depths of my pink-haired whorebitchy misery?
"If you cry, I will laugh," she says nonchalantly, before disappearing in a puff of smoke.
"NOOOOO!" Nobody cares about me!
Maybe I should go emo. Because life just sucks.
-POOF AGAIN, YA'FOOLS-
Who's this? It's someone I've never met before, and for some strange reason I think her name is "Uvinkyu." Maybe she's the one person in the world who cares about my depression!
"Fuggin' whore," Uvinkyu comments before disappearing.
"NOOOOO!"
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Sasuke's POV:
Man, my life totally sucks. I mean, super sucky. Super duper mega ultra uber sucky. Whinewhinecomplainemoslitwrists.
My family is dead, my life sucks, my brother needs to die, my life sucks...
And then Sakura stole my knives so she could commit suicide, which means now I can't slit my wrists anymore!
And...the worst part is...Itachi won't give me that new limited-edition Akatsuki nail polish!
And...the worsest (yes, I know that's not a friggin' word) part is...ITACHI'S BIGASS NECKBAND IS BIGGER THAN MINE! Angstangstangst.
I would go slit my wrists...but SOMEBODY stole my freaking knives! Whinewhinesulkangst.
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Kakashi's POV:
I know everyone always wonders what exactly is hidden under my mask. Well, my face, duh. Morons. But...the fact is...
Well...
I...
My mask... It's...
-FREAKIN' POOF-
It's my arch-rival, Sammons-sensei! (My other arch-rival... Not the one who prances around in a hideous green bodysuit and ugly orange legwarmers.)
But, yeah... About the whole 'mask' thing... It's...
It's...
My mask is...
"IT'S STUCK TO MY FACE!"
"...with a frightening, frightening mustache," Sammons-sensei comments before disappearing.
Author's Note: Yeah. Sammons-sensei really did say all of this stuff, word-for-word.
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Iruka's POV:
Have you wasted your life teaching shit to snobby little kids? Well, it sucks. I've always wanted to be the star of the show, but no... THEY CREATE ME AS A FREAKING SIDE CHARACTER! And even worse – I have to teach! Stupid! Little! Kids! GYAH!
I'll go steal Sasuke's knives and slit my wrists.
Several hours later...
Damn. The pink-haired whorebitch stole his knives.
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Kankuro's POV:
Well, life's okay, I guess. I mean, besides Gaara's whole maniacal, "Heheh... I'll kill you..." thing. I'm the older brother! He shouldn't be able to threaten me! I should show him who's boss! I'll go tell him right now, "Killing people is wrong! You are no longer allowed to make peoples' bodies implode by crushing them with sand!"
Author's Note: Kankuro died that day for reasons unknown in an incident involving body implosion. And sand.
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Temari's POV:
First of all, carrying around a giant fan is a serious pain in the ass. I mean, it's HUGE! And I have to carry it! Jeez! Also, I can't seem to lose this ugly hairstyle. It happened many years ago... Gaara was pissed at me, and then he...he... He did my hair! And it never came undone, ever!
ANGST! AAANNNGGGSSSTTT...
By the way, for all you super-pervs: he didn't do my hair in the sense of like, raping it. Mmkay?
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Gaara's POV:
I...do not...look like...a goddamn...panda...
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Orochimaru's POV:
So, like, I'm an uber-sexy bitch, but I don't understand... How come I can only get sex by raping little boys!? Why!? It's so unfair! I mean, I have uber-sexy hair, a disgustingly long uber-sexy tongue... I SEE NO FLAWS! I mean, sure, I'm a bit, erm, creepy...but... I'm just so damn sexy!
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Itachi's POV:
So. Bigass neckbands and nail polish. If you lack the stylish new Akatsuki nail polish, then you lack hatred. If you lack hatred, then you obviously lack a bigass neckband. Like, duh, fool. You see, the more hatred you have, the more you must cover your face and your bigass eyebags, because you must hide from the world which you so despise. Therefore, you need a bigass neckband. Do not defy my divine logic. Fool.
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Neji's POV:
You suck. Your life sucks. You suck because you and your life are destined to suck. I, however, am destined to lead a life of unsuckishness. It is my destiny. My life can kick your life's ass. Because you suck.
- - -
Lee's and Gai's POVs:
Spandex! Sparklies! Eyebrows! Legwrmers! Springtime of YOUTH!
Author's Note: Their lives really do suck. Seriously. They just don't realize it.
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Tenten's POV:
Minding my own business, playing around with my knives, and whatnot.
-POOF, WEWT!-
It's that Uvinkyu girl! Why is she glaring at me with that "Fuggin' whore" look on her face?
After a long, awkward pause, she shouts, "KUNAI WHORE!" before vanishing.
Dammit... Thanks for stating the obvious...
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Kiba's POV:
People tell me I'm species-confused, but I disagree. I mean, seriously – I'm not confused. I know I'm a doggie. Duh. I'mma go get some doggy treats! RAWR.
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Hinata's POV:
No one ever sees the 'true me'! Deep down, I know I'm secretly badass! But nobody believes me! I mean, I may seem all shy because I can't help it! That twiddling-my-fingers thing is a habit! And the annoying stammering and perpetual blush are habits, too! I can't help it! But, I swear – I really am badass! Like, for example... You know those doggie treats Kiba's eating? I dropped them on the floor! Bad. Ass.
-UBER-POOF-
It's the legendary Sammons-sensei!
"It's a special thing," she comments, poofing away.
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Shino's POV:
I KNOW you stepped on a bug today. You stepped on it and KILLED it. You killed it DEAD. I shall hunt you down and kill YOU dead once I'm done sulking in the emo corner. The bugs that live in my pants shall DESTROY you.
Oh, and by the way. They're female bugs. Uber-sexy female bugs, mofos.
Pimpin', bitchesss.
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Chouji's POV:
My life sucks because I suffer from Shameless Perpetual Eating Disorder (SPED) and everyone makes fun of me for it. It's not my fault I come from a clan of fatasses!
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Ino's POV:
Okay. Just because Tenten and Sakura are whores doesn't mean I'm a whore too! And besides, even if I was a whore, I'm sexier than both of them, dammit! I don't have a screwed-up hairstyle or a giant forehead!
- - -
Shikamaru's POV:
So. I'm on a squad with a fatass and a whore. Yeah... And, why the hell am I even here? I could be sleeping right now. Screw you guys, I'm taking a nap.
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Randomly Assorted Ninjas' POVs:
Ninja One: We, the random ninja who get killed off all the time, are considered 'unimportant,' but you should know that we are the most important characters in the entire freaking series! I mean, without us dying all the time, they'd have to kill off the main characters! It's so unfair! So we've decided to start a rebellion and kill Sasuke in his sleep. Feheheh.
Ninja Two: We were originally going to kill that pink-haired whorebitch Sakura, but since she's going to commit suicide, we decided to target Sasuke instead.
Ninja Three: Yeah, and earn ourselves lots of rabid Sasuke fangirl attacks.
Ninja Two: Hell yes.
(End)
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Author's Note: I know I didn't include a bunch of characters. Please don't be all, "ZOMG U 4GOT MI FAVE NINJA U WHORE! GO DIE!!11111ONE11!1!!!!SHIFT11!!" Calm yourselves. Maybe I'll do a sequel.