Custody Issues
By Dreaming of Everything
Disclaimer: I do not own FF7, or the characters within it.

Author's Notes: This is my first attempt at non-parody humor, plus an all-dialogue fic. More-or-less self-explanatory. Also, total crack.

Please note that I based this off of the US legal system for simplicity's sake.

oOoOoOo

"You're suing Jenova for custody of Sephiroth. What the hell, Vincent. What the hell."

"The DNA tests came back positive; I'm his father. The only one, as far as we know, but the two 'mothers' is an interesting legal issue."

"He is of age, you know. A legal adult."

"Yes, but I got him declared insane and unfit to care for himself."

"That's interesting, seeing as he nearly destroyed the planet completely by himself."

"…"

"…Who the hell is your lawyer?"

"The Turks have a staff lawyer as a matter of course. She's very competent, and dealt with stranger cases. Not to mention harder ones."

"What--? Never mind, I don't want to know. How is that possible…?"

"She's responsible for Reno's legal issues as well."

"Oh. Well then…

"Why? Why do you want responsibility for Sephiroth, why do you want to become his legal guardian, why now, why in this way in particular—just fucking why?"

"Well, Jenova clearly hasn't done a good job."

"The fact that this makes some sort of sick, twisted sense makes me closer to suicide than I have ever been before. You scare the hell out of me, Vin."

"Also, since he technically hasn't committed any crimes under the current laws, and they can't re-try him under the new rules they instated, they have nothing else to do with him. None of the mental health hospitals will have anything to do with him."

"What the hell do you mean, hasn't broken any laws?"

"Well, there's nothing about summoning a meteor to destroy the earth, or messing around with the Lifestream—Shinra probably had a hand in that—or becoming a god or conspiring with an alien being already responsible for the death of at least one race."

"…He killed enough people to give him the death sentence forty, fifty times over, easy."

"Apparently, there's this very, very old clause about gods being exempt from the reaches of the law when it comes to instances of smiting. Very interesting case, clearly the sign of a more superstitious time. A loophole in this instance, of course, at least this time."

"You know, I don't think I've ever seen you this chatty before. Where the hell are you gonna keep him?"

"I have a spare bedroom."

--End--