This is a three or four part story that has been in the back of my mind for a really long time. Actually before anything else I've written.

It takes place in season two during the holiday season. I'm a Merek shipper so this is mainly about Meredith with everyone else secondary to her. It starts with a lot of angst and ends in triumph. The first chapter is the intro and sets the scene.

For those of you who read Acts of Love this is in the same AU, but prior to Acts, which takes place mainly in season three.

Please review any chapter. Even if the story is finished, I'd still love to hear from you. sam

The Intern

Chapter 1: Survivor

Dr. Meredith Grey was a survivor. She'd survived the loss of every single caregiver she'd ever had, including her parents. She'd survived a Swiss boarding school and numerous private schools all over the US. She'd survived Mt. Kilimanjaro. She'd survived her mother's degenerative brain disease. She'd survived giving up her own dream in favor of her mother's dream of medical school. She'd survived graduation alone. She'd survived.

She would survive this. So her boyfriend dumped her. So the man she thought was her "soul mate" was really her "black hole fate". Girls got confused between those two things all the time. So he was reunited with his perfect Isabella Rossellini look-alike wife, add-a-sin. So what if they were everywhere, the perfect happy couple, like his and her surgical bookends. The Shepherd and the She-Shepherd. Yeah. No one said survival wasn't bitter.

Meredith Grey would endure. She would stand her ground. What did it matter if she was the laughing stock of the entire hospital? Who cared if the second year surgical residents were betting on Grey's drop-out date, and the third years were giving odds on when the She-Shepherd would destroy Grey? So what if the nurses had lost all respect for her, whispering and pointing? She was a miserable, diseased, dirty ex-mistress, after all.

Dr. Grey wasn't going to give in. Too bad, so sad if she'd lost her looks, growing homely with depression, exhaustion and sadness. No one needed to know that she could hardly swallow past the lump of sorrow in her throat. No need to call the CDC because she was still sick in love with him – it wasn't catching.

Meredith Grey knew how to work. Work would save her. Yeah.

I can count on work ... work, tequila and boys, she thought, well, I could until Steve. Remember Steve? Priapism Steve ... maybe it's just work now.

She used to have something else to count on until her mother took it away from her. But, that doesn't matter now, work! Work would work. If she just worked hard enough, long enough, intensely enough, nothing else would matter. Work had saved her from Thanksgiving, even though she'd had to deal with Shepherd most of the day. Work would save her from Christmas and New Year's. Work was saving her now from her roommates and Cristina. Work, yeah.

Please. Meredith didn't know who she was pleading with or what she was pleading for. The word popped up on the computer screen of her consciousness every now and then. She ignored it.

Meredith lay on an old discarded gurney in the cold tunnels under the oldest part of Grace. She kept warm with a tatty old blanket from peds. She liked the Ariel the Mermaid pattern. She checked her watch. It was 3:59 AM Christmas Eve. This was her forty-seventh hour on duty. She set her watch for forty one minutes and closed her gritty eyes in instant sleep.

In one hour Meredith would rack up one hundred sixty hours on duty in eight days. First, she had worked a straight forty eight hour shift, her regular long haul. She had eight hours off, then covered O'Malley's on-call shift for sixteen hours, because he had the flu. That backed up to her regular shift of sixteen hours making a total of thirty two straight. She had eight hours off. Meredith's next shift was sixteen hours, then she covered Steven's on-call for sixteen hours, because Izzie got the flu from George – another thirty two straight. Meredith took an eight hour nap in an on-call bed and was back for her regular forty eight. Take a breath.

Rounds started at 5:00 AM. The next shift of sixteen was about to begin. Meredith had already grabbed a shower, fresh scrubs and her lab coat so she was prepared. She'd been up most of the night charting and reporting, medicating and monitoring. She'd taken care of eight surgical emergencies brought into the Pit. Two had died. She'd dealt with the morgue and the families. She didn't need pre-rounds. She already knew every case on surgical in depth because she'd put in the hours. Labs would be ready on the dot for her, guaranteed by Mickey, her reliable dweeb friend in testing.

Meredith's alarm beeped shrilly and she stood before she even realized she was supposed to be awake. She automatically loaded her intern gear onto her waistband, and pockets, grabbed the completed reports and started up the stairs. Meredith speed dialed Bernice, the coffee hut lady in the lobby.

"Bernice, it's Dr. Grey, I'm on my way. Yes, thank you."

She speed dialed the lab.

"Mickey , it's Dr. Grey, yeah, be right there. Thank you." Meredith swung through the lobby, picking up four prepaid, preordered hot drinks. She left a generous tip and Bernice smiled and nodded. Then she swiftly made her way to the lab. She ignored everything and everyone around her, with practiced ease, seeing only Bernice and Mickey.

"Hey Mickey, merry Christmas. Vente White Chocolate Mocha for you and a tall Caramel Macchiato with a shot of hazelnut for Tommy. You are the man, always on time, thank you." Meredith waved to the tall, slightly stooped lab tech.

He grinned and waved back as he sipped. Meredith scooped up the myriad of priority lab reports and continued at top speed to Bailey's rounds. She swept by an old man just finishing his shift for the night, storing his mops and cleaning supplies away in an broom closet.

"Mr. Sandage, merry Christmas to you. Please say hello to your wife for me." Mrs. Sandage was a patient at the same home as Ellis Grey. Meredith had helped the old man get the job at the hospital after he told her he was having difficulty meeting all the bills from his wife's illness, even with good retirement benefits from Boeing. "Herbal tea with a twist of lemon. Have a great day." Meredith paused and gave the old man a small, rare smile.

"You too, Dr. Grey. Did you get any sleep at all? You're working too hard, dear," he said in concern.

"Yeah, I got a little sleep, I've got to go. I'm starting a new shift. Bye." Meredith sped away.

She got to the nurses' station just as Nurse Debbie buttoned her coat and picked up her purse.

"Thank you for all the help last night, Caffé Soy Latte, right? Merry Christmas." Meredith swiped a tired hand over her face and dumped all the paperwork on the counter top. She quickly sorted everything into appropriate piles for Dr. Bailey.

Debbie looked at the tired girl in front of her with concern, "Yes, thank you Dr. Grey. You're welcome, it was a tough night. You did well."

Meredith looked up in surprise. That was the first overtly kind remark Head Nurse Debbie had ever made to her. She nodded and went back to sorting.

Debbie had reserved judgment on this intern at first. Her mother was a big name and there was no telling how much the girl had traded on it. But now, after the fallout from the Shepherd debacle, Debbie could see Grey's true mettle. The girl was hurt and down, no question. She never smiled any more, but then neither did Debbie. Even though they had gossiped and pointed, she had not said one harsh word to any of the nursing staff. If anything, she became more polite, more considerate, more soft-spoken.

Debbie was aware, as no one else in authority, of the hours the girl was racking. She said nothing because Grey seemed to need the work as much as the work needed her. Grey made no complaints when every other intern whined continuously. Debbie made a decision. Dr. Grey was a good one and she would help her out as much as possible. She sipped her coffee. The girl was hauling enough baggage. The nurses under Debbie's command would cease gossip about Grey today. Period.

Dr. Bailey and the rest of her interns arrived at the nurses' station. Meredith felt a mild amusement at the annoyance in Cristina's eyes. Mer wasn't late as the others had thought. She was actually at the station first. She gave Cristina a mocking half-smile and allowed herself a point on her internal scoreboard. She'd started keeping the board sometime in the last week as a silly game with herself. She pictured her point as a tiny yellow smiley face with one eye winking. Good for her.

"Dr. Bailey, we had two mortalities and six new admissions from the Pit last night. The reports are here. I've requested consults and MRI or CT times for the new admissions. I believe four will need to be placed on the surgical schedule for today." Meredith indicated the four in question.

"Blood work from last night is here. Overnight labs are here, priority labs are on the top. All pre-op patient charts are current. No incidents to report. All post-operative reports are complete with x-rays, EKGs, MRIs, CTs, lab reports, and physicians' and nurses' notes." Meredith continued efficiently.

"Mr. Keller in 2404 has had spiking fever and increasing pain through the night. I administered additional IV antibiotics and increased his pain meds. I paged Dr. Monahan several times. He has not responded. I now have a page out for the senior attending on that service to consult. I requested a psych consult for Ms. Gonds in 2205 and social services consults for Ms. Howser in 2412 and Ms. Sanchez in 2436 for this morning." Dr. Grey finished and stood very still, calmly not wasting any energy.

Dr. Bailey had a pleased, impressed look on her face. Cristina's expression was sour and George's mouth was hanging slightly open. Izzie's brows were arched high as she studied Meredith in surprise. Alex spoke for them all, "Whoa, dude, did you get any sleep at all last night?"

"Yes, a little." Meredith replied truthfully.

"Excellent work, Dr. Grey," Bailey was looking through the mountain of records and charts and reports. Meredith's scoreboard picked up a fat pink smiley face with eyes wide and a toothy grin. She gave a tiny snicker inside.

"What are you trying to do? Make the rest of us look bad?" Cristina hissed.

"I'm just doing my job, Cristina." The tiny burst of amusement over, Meredith tiredly gathered her clean, but unbrushed hair into a ragged pony tail and then doubled it into a loose loop. She looked up and caught her breath.

Dr. Shepherd, clad in dark blue scrubs and a crisp white lab coat, bounded down the stairs full of energy. Meredith shrank back and stepped behind Karev. Her heart hurt at the sight of him – McDreamy gorgeous with beautiful blue eyes and black curls in charming disarray around his handsome face. Darn, she was supposed to be too tired to feel anything. Instead she was too tired to block the burst of fangirl love in her heart, followed by feelings of self-loathing and stupid inadequacy. She pictured two tiny devil faces and a sad crybaby face posted on her scoreboard for her crimes. Bad Meredith.

He doesn't love you, remember? He didn't pick you; he didn't choose you. You are a loser. Get it. See? He is happy. Dumping me hasn't affected him at all, not really. Look, Meredith, he never loved you. People don't. You know that. Nothing's changed. No cowering. Stand up straight. You can do this. Everything's going to be okay.

"Good morning, Dr. Bailey, doctors. Could you please round on my patients and consults first? I have surgery scheduled early this morning and won't have time later to join you," Dr. Shepherd caught sight of the edge of Meredith's shoulder behind Karev.

He frowned. She always did that now – disappeared when he was around. He knew it would be hard for her, for both of them in the beginning. He hadn't expected it to get steadily worse, as weeks of separation stretched into months, for both himself and Meredith. The holidays, especially, made it rough. He'd thought they'd both adjust and move on with time. He was married, for God's sake. Addison was beautiful and talented, some said, he was a lucky man, right? (She's not my faerie girl, his secret inner voice whispered). What was he doing still pining to see Meredith's briefest smile? And where were her smiles? They seemed gone forever. He grieved for her.

"Of course, Dr. Shepherd. Dr. Grey take the trauma pager. You're on call to the Pit. After rounds, I expect you to catch up on some sleep today, if the Pit is not busy. The last thing we need is for you to be the next one to get the flu. Follow me people, we don't have all day," snapped the diminutive Nazi, snatching up the appropriate charts and labs and quickly rearranging rounds in her mind.

Meredith followed Bailey, making sure she was tucked safely between Izzie and Cristina in line. Derek reeled inwardly when he caught sight of her pale, thin face. Purplish circles ringed her eyes, her lips were bloodless, and stress lines were forming around her mouth. Her hair was dull and lifeless. She looked dull and lifeless. Derek would bet Meredith had lost weight – weight she could ill afford to lose.

What was going on? When was the last time she slept? Wasn't she eating? I know we work the interns to death, but I didn't think it was supposed to be literally. Meredith. Meredith. He couldn't help willing her to look at him. He wanted to see the expression in her eyes.

Meredith avoided Shepherd at all costs. She stayed in the background of the patients' rooms letting the other interns shine for Shepherd. She had no intention of being tortured by the Shepherd or the She-Shepherd today. Not today. She was too tired. She decided the universe owed her a boon.

Yeah, that's it, I can see it. Me with a boon. She pictured a doggy happy face with a bone in its mouth on the inner scoreboard. A tiny smile wafted over her insides and eased her pain.

Derek did his job automatically. He listened to the interns, Bailey, and the patients. He answered questions. He dealt with family members. He examined, evaluated, and prescribed. The whole time he thought he'd go mad.

Meredith was in her own world. It was a world that certainly didn't include him. She wouldn't acknowledge his existence in any way. His heart grew leaden with the pain of her rejection. Wait, he'd rejected her first. He should be glad she'd given up on him. He was with Addison, he reminded himself again.

Derek didn't care. He missed her. He wanted to be near Meredith, spend time with her, find out if she was eating. That couldn't hurt. All he had to do was tell Bailey he wanted her on a case. No, he'd heard Bailey give her the Pit in the hopes she'd get some sleep. He wouldn't interfere with that. He let all the interns walk out of his last patient's room ahead of him. He managed to catch Meredith's eye for a few seconds. He was shocked by the blank eternity in her icy green gaze. It was suddenly hard to breathe.

Meredith followed Dr. Bailey on rounds, focusing on work, glad to be away from Shepherd. She started shining, filling in all the details the other interns didn't know. Patients greeted her with relief, glad to see a familiar face. Family members recognized Dr. Grey as the only doctor available in the panicked wee hours of the night. One old lady patted Dr. Grey on the knee, telling Dr. Bailey what a good girl she was. The others on rounds gulped in surprise when Meredith gave an all out smile at that and said thank you. A new point occupied her scoreboard. It was a chubby happy face with a halo and wings. Her smile lasted two more seconds over that.

"Dr. Grey, good work. Get some sleep." The Nazi continued to give the others orders.

"Did you see that?" Izzie asked George behind a chart.

"Meredith smiled." George still looked stunned.

"I didn't realize how bad she looked until she smiled." Izzie started.

"Dr. Stevens, did you have something to share?" asked Bailey.

"No, Dr. Bailey." said Izzie hastily.

Meredith left quickly while Bailey was chewing them out, avoiding Cristina. She was well aware that Izzie and George had been whispering about her – again – and she decided their scoreboards should have their points gagged curtesy of Dr. Bailey. That image gave her just enough energy to make it to an on call room. It was mercifully empty. She couldn't bear sharing so she locked the door. She stripped her lab coat, unloaded all her intern gear, kicked off her shoes and laid her tired body down. Every motion was precise. This she'd learned over the last week – don't waste energy in unnecessary movement. She wished she had the mermaid blanket, she thought, as she closed bloodshot eyes and slept.

One hundred and sixty two happy face points on Meredith's scoreboard, one for each hour she'd worked, put on nightcaps and snoozed, with little Z's floating above their heads.

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