Title: Messages on a Fridge Door

Author: Sorceress Fantasia

Pairings: Seph/Cloud

Word count: 2664

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: Crack, fluff, humour

Disclaimer: As much as I would love to lay claim to Cloud, I'm kinda scared of Seph's Masamune. So well, I don't own Final Fantasy 7 or any of its characters.

Note: This fic is dedicated to Shiri-Matakami! Happy belated birthday, dearie!

Summary: Sephiroth missed an important date with Cloud, and now he has to suffer the consequences, which includes cold shoulders and bad rumours. And weirdly enough, the only way to apologize seems to be leaving messages on a fridge door.

Yours sincerely,
Sephiroth

Seeing how it's already 9 p.m. and you're practically uncontactable right now, I'm going out for dinner with Zack and Reno. Hope you'll have fun with that pretty brunette Reno said he'd seen hanging off your arm like a leech this morning.

Cloud

Love, I'm sorry I left you alone on your birthday even though I'd already promised weeks ago that we'd spend the day together. If I had my way, I would have abducted you to a nice weekend vacation at Costa Del Sol without Midgar and work looming over us. Please forgive me and allow me to make up to you as soon as possible.
Truth is, the moment I arrived in my office yesterday morning, I got sent off to Junon for what Heidegger called a "top-secret mission" and I had no way of contacting you. And that reminds me: I still haven't directed him to the dictionary for the definition of 'top-secret' and 'general'. Which general in history has this much paper work to do and file? Apart from me, that is. And no secret is a secret when it comes to Heidegger and Scarlet, the way they laugh arrogantly about it in front of everyone.
As for the brunette, she's my new secretary after I scared away my previous one. This new one may or may not return tomorrow. I'm not sure if I scared her enough to get her away from me. Reno probably saw us when I was trying to calm myself down with the technique you taught me. You told me to close my eyes, take deep breaths and count mentally from 0 to 10, remember? I was trying to stop myself from turning violent on her.
Shall we have dinner alone tonight? Call me at my office when you finish training for the day.

Yours sincerely,
Sephiroth

Care to explain to me why Reno is sporting a black eye today? And apparently, the technique I taught you is not useful to you at all, since the so-called secretary is still starry-eyed and obviously mooning you when I passed by your office today.

Cloud

Ah, do you two realize that this is my fridge you're leaving messages on? It's pretty awkward to have to see all of these messages whenever I get hungry and want to get a bite. And it's even weirder to see the two of you entering and leaving my apartment /just/ to leave all these messages.
I know that my apartment is like, a gathering point for us all, since Seph's apartment needs god knows how many levels of security clearance to enter and Spike lives in the barracks. But could you two, you know, leave messages somewhere else? Preferably somewhere that is not my fridge?

Zack
P.S. Seph, you owe me two fridge magnets now. Stop crunching them, no matter how upset you are when you're writing your god damn messages to Cloud.

Keep quiet, Zack. This never would have happened if you hadn't introduced that Turk to Cloud. That Turk is a bad influence.
And Cloud? Will you please talk to me? I'll make up to you, I swear. And the Turk's black eye was an accident. He walked into my fist when I was talking to my damned secretary, whom I'm still trying to chase away.

Yours sincerely,
Sephiroth

Walked into your fist? A likely story, and one that doesn't quite match up to what Reno's been telling me. And don't you dare hit him again. He's my friend, and one that was nice enough to take me out for my birthday when my boyfriend went missing.
Look. I can forgive you for not celebrating my birthday with me. I understand your work is more important, and you get called away quite often so it's nothing I haven't gotten used to. But what I can't stand is how you hit Reno and tell Zack off. Those two are my best friends, if you still haven't noticed.
And no, I won't talk to you until you've apologize to Reno. And Zack.

Cloud
P.S. Zack, I got you new fridge magnets. And don't you dare destroy these, Seph.

Cloud, you know me far too well to get me this type of fridge magnets! You know I love you, right? But uh, remember not to tell Aeris about these new additions to my fridge, alright? She'll get mad not just because of the magnets, but she'll blame me for corrupting you. And you know how she hates that.

Zack

Hate is a fairly mild word you're using to describe how Miss Gainsborough is going to feel when she hears about this. I would believe that 'abhor', 'detest', 'abominate' and 'loathe' are all more accurate descriptors, should word of this reach her. Perhaps it would be better, for you and for me, that you just accept my apology and get that Turk friend of yours to accept it as well. And remember to tell Cloud that you've both accepted, and dispose of this note after you've read it.

Yours sincerely,
Sephiroth
P.S. I'm not even sure I want to know what you did to Cloud to make him actually buy you fridge magnets of bikini-clad females.

Just because you left the message on Zack's secondary fridge in his bedroom and not the kitchen fridge where we normally leave our messages, it doesn't mean I'm not going to see it. And no, Zack didn't show me. I just happened to walked into his bedroom to wake him up, and that note was staring me in my face.
You are not, and I repeat, you are not allowed to blackmail Zack. Or Reno, for that matter. Neither are you allowed to force them to accept your so-called apology. And Aeris will never find out about the fridge magnets, understood?

Cloud

Do you know how surreal it is to get threatened when I'm about to reach into my fridge for some orange juice in the morning? But damn was that an effective wake-up call; totally got rid of my grogginess! It was like, I was still half-awake and walking to my fridge through sheer will (that, and Spike's pancakes in the kitchen), and woah, suddenly, this note threatening my life and limb was staring at me in the face. Woke up instantly, man.
You should consider selling those notes, Seph. Guaranteed to remove all traces of weariness and grogginess in the morning or you'll have your money back! It'll be a hit with the officers! Can you imagine? No more groggy recruits who nearly loop off their own arms? Heaven!
But ah, that doesn't mean I'd like to see more of that. No, stop sticking them on my fridge door. I mean it.

Zack

I will consider your suggestion. It will be good to finally stop seeing those recruits whose sole existence is to prove that not everyone can be cured of stupidity. Just this morning, one officer was complaining during lunch about one recruit who came into class with a broom instead of his issued broadsword. Maybe I'll raise your suggestion at the next board meeting.
And Cloud? I apologize for what I did to Zack and Reno, though I don't think it constitutes blackmailing. I was merely raising the possibility of Miss Gainsborough finding out about those magnets. Not that I would actually tell her, of course, since you don't like the idea.

Yours sincerely,
Sephiroth

Zack, stop encouraging Seph. It's bad enough that the recruits have to go through all that training and psych tests; they don't need another thing intimidating them first thing in the morning.
And Seph, I think by 'raisingthe possibility' of Aeris finding out about those magnets is blackmail enough. I'm still not talking to you, so stop loitering outside my classrooms. You're scaring the other cadets. And probably even my officer, who thinks you're doing a spot-check on him everyday.

Cloud

Aw, spoil my fun why don't you, Cloud? And anyway, isn't your current officer that Matsuda guy? He's always been a jerk, even when I was in his classes. Just let Seph have him. That guy pisses his pants, the cadets are happier and Seph gets to let off a bit of steam. Win-win situation here, man!

Zack

What? Is Matsuda making his classes tough for the cadets? Has he done anything untoward to you, Cloud? Don't worry; I will investigate the matter thoroughly and give him what he deserves if Zack is right about him.

Yours sincerely,
Sephiroth

Seph, do I want to know why I've gotten a new instructor today? And mind explaining why there are rumours of Sergeant Matsuda retiring early due to some 'unforeseeable circumstances'?
And for god's sake, stop giving Seph all those ideas, Zack! We just figured out a way to explain Reno's black eye to Rufus, and I don't really want to deal with this right now.

Cloud
P.S. Yes, I do realize that 'unforeseeable circumstances' in Shinra terms usually mean a missing limb or two.

I merely, like I said earlier, 'investigated' Matsuda's case thoroughly and found out that he's been putting down our officers and cadets. One officer lodged a report against him for his violent tendencies as well, so Shinra decided to let him retire early. As it was, the president was looking for a way to keep that man's pension for himself, so it all works out. You should probably ask your Turk friend for the details.
And Cloud, can we stop leaving messages on the fridge and just sit down and talk? It's already been 2 weeks since this whole thing started, and this argument has been nothing but a nuisance for us both.
And Zack, clear your messages and stop leaving new ones. We don't want to see them. This is between Cloud and me.

Yours sincerely,
Sephiroth

You big meanie! I'm trying to help you two, you know?
And Cloud? Why is Mister-Rufus-ice-prince-and-president's-son-Shinra worried about Reno's black eye? They're not… you know, that, right? Holy… maybe it's better that I don't find out.

Zack

Seph, I hate you. How could you do that to my instructor?
And Zack, since you think it's better than you don't find out, then don't ask me about that again.

Cloud

CLOUD! When I said maybe it's better that I don't find out, it was just a random thought! That's why I said 'maybe'! I don't mean it now! Tell me, tell me! Are Reno and Rufus involved or what?

Zack

You don't mean that, Cloud beloved. And I didn't do a thing to your instructor. I merely passed the message along that he wasn't as good an instructor as we had been led to believe. Whatever happened afterwards, I wasn't involved. And isn't this better? This new instructor of yours has a much better track record and higher passing rates for the SOLDIER exams.
Won't you just talk to me? I can apply for leave for the next weekend, and we can go over to Kalm for a few quiet days together. And we can talk.

Yours sincerely,
Sephiroth
P.S. Zack, get a new notepad. We're finishing this one already.

I hold to my earlier statement that you're a meanie, Seph. You're the one finishing up my stationery! If you want more, go get it yourself. I think the shop downstairs is having a sale. Worse comes to worst (read: you're stingy), just snag one of those standard Shinra notepads from your office.
And Cloud, c'mon! Tell me!

Zack

And you would have me believe you how? And even if the new instructor is better –which you can rest assured that he is so you can stop passing whatever messages you've passed before- it doesn't negate the fact that you've done a horrible thing to Sergeant Matsuda.

Cloud

Seph, stop stalking me whenever I'm going for classes! Contrary to what you may believe, a cadet is not supposed to have the general tailing him!

Cloud

I wouldn't wait outside your classes if you would just stop and talk to me instead of carrying on with this conversation on the fridge! Can't we just sit down and talk things through? If you're still angry, I apologize for what I've done to Matsuda. Despite what you may think, that man is still alive. He's just living out his retirement back in Rocket Town without his pension.
Won't you forgive me? I've already applied for leave.

Yours sincerely,

Sephiroth

In case you've forgotten, a cadet has nothing such as vacation time. And my exams are coming up in three months time, thank you very much.

Cloud

You have vacation time now. A full week of it, as a matter of fact.

Yours sincerely,

Sephiroth

Why does my instructor look like he can't wait for me to graduate from his class? Did you have something to do it? Something regarding my now-existing vacation time?

Cloud

The two of you are so blatantly ignoring me, aren't you?

Zack

Yes, you two are ignoring me.

Zack

Seph, you owe me a notepad. And Cloud, you still haven't told me about the juicy details between Reno and Rufus!

Zack

Shut up, Zack.

Sephiroth

Cloud, your boyfriend is being mean to your best friend!

Zack

Cloud, have you packed up for our vacation yet? It's in a week's time. And don't worry about the exams. I've already arranged for one-on-one make-up lessons for you and your instructor was only too happy to comply. I do get the feeling that he really wants you to graduate as soon as possible too.

Yours sincerely,
Sephiroth

It's your fault.

Cloud

I hope that last comment you left wasn't directed towards me, little buddy. And you still haven't told me the thing about Rufus and Reno!

Zack

Ah, where are you guys? It's not your vacation time yet, is it?

Zack

Guys? Where are you?

Zack

Hey, will one of you just answer me?

Zack

HELLO!

Zack

Seph, I will eat the last of your jelly beans if you don't reply by supper time tonight.

Zack

And I won't buy you a new box.

Zack

Now I know why you're obsessed over those things, man. Oh yeah, I've finished it. Reply to me by lunch tomorrow and I'll consider getting you another box.

Zack

Geez, where are you two?

Zack

Spike, your bunkmates are starting to worry that the pile of clothes you left under your bed has been invaded and inhabited by alien life form. Where the hell are you?

Zack

Zack, before I left, I /told/ you that I was leaving with Seph for our vacation in Gold Saucer. You even said you heard me! Well, that'd better teach you to pretend to hear me when you're watching those silly soaps on television.
And my clothes do not have any alien life forms living in them! That pile of clothes isn't even mine! You left them there the last time you visited my bunk!

Cloud
P.S. Seph wants me to tell you that he's going to kill you for eating all his jelly beans. And then he's going to use a phoenix down on you so he can kill you again for not getting him a new box. He's currently sharpening his Masamune, in case you're wondering.

I'll be at Aeris' if you need me.

Zack
P.S. Don't tell Seph where I've gone if you still want someone who has the guts to crack jokes about your boyfriend.

-owari-

A/N: While this is a Seph/Cloud fic, this is incidentally also my first fic for this delicious pairing. So erm... crack for birthday fics are acceptable? XDD On the other hand, I've taken Beautiful Banana's advice and indicated the progress of my fics on my bio page in percentage points. So if you're curious, you can take a look there.