This story is pretty much a "just because I can" sort. The idea came upon me in the midst of a KibaSaku mood and I said "Why not?".

Re-edited for the last time, I SWEAR.

Disclaimer: I only own the story idea, which is why I'm poor.

The Mating Game

Man, I feel sorry for all those people who don't have huge dogs to nap on…

Kiba blinked lazily, staring up through the waving branches above him. He also felt sorry for all the people who were currently on missions away from Konoha. This was the prettiest time of the year- early spring. The mornings still held a bit of winter's chill, but the sun washed everything with warmth once it was up. The whole world was blooming.

The dog ninja sniffed at the air, taking in every scent he could before rolling over and burying his nose in his companion's fur. Akamaru gave a contented grunt.

"KIBA!"

The boy looked up to see his mother's canine partner Kuromaru running up. He looked kind of pissed. Kiba rubbed at his eyes. "What's up? Something wrong?"

Kuromaro snapped his teeth impatiently, a stern look in his eye. "Did you happen to forget that your mother called a clan meeting for, oh, about twenty minutes ago?"

Kiba's eyes widened marginally. "Oh yeah. I totally forgot." He put his head back down. "Oh well."

"Don't give me that! Up, boy, up! This meeting is especially important for you and your sister, and she is already there. You, however, are very much not! Get moving before I begin to bite."

Kiba groaned and sat up. "Fine, fine. But you could be a little nicer about it. It's not like anyone's going to die if I'm a bit late to a family meeting."

Kuromaro snorted. "You just might, if you make your mother wait long enough."

Kiba made a face.

…He has a point.

"And I've seen the light… Come on, Akamaru!"

All I'm saying is that it better not be a damn train…

Tsume smiled tightly at Kiba as he rushed into the small circle of Inuzuka clan members. Kiba only felt slightly guilty at the fact that most of them had already left; it was apparent that the meeting was long since concluded.

Mom didn't make that big of a deal about it when she told me, but the looks I'm getting… Yeesh.

He snapped to attention, however, when his mother began to speak. "Since the prodigal son was late in his arrival, he has missed out on the discussion. Hana, do me a favor and please bring your idiot brother up to speed so that when he is on time to the next clan meeting, he will have intelligent things to say."

…It's a train, all right.

His sister smiled brightly at him and waited until his mother was buried in conversation elsewhere before whispering, "She isn't really mad, so don't worry. In fact, I think she's kind of glad you weren't here." Kiba's eyebrows rose slightly. Regardless, his sister continued speaking. "We talked about the inheritance issue, for the most part. I know that Mother has already agreed to pass Alpha status to you, but most of the clan seemed to be under the impression that I would be taking over."

Kiba grinned. "That option is still available, if you want. You are the oldest, after all, and your kids would be so proud."

"They already are, but that's beside the point. Clan leader is the last thing I want to be." Hana lifted an eyebrow at him. "My happiness lies with my children, my work, and my love. Unless you've forgotten, Sho proposed to me and I accepted."

Kiba frowned. "I don't see what that has to do with leading the clan. It's not like mates have to be Inuzuka or something."

"Yes, well, considering that I'm pregnant with Sho's baby at the present, I'm a little more inclined to follow his opinions on the matter. He does not want to join with the clan, and I am content with his decision. I'll be pure Inuzuka as long as I'm alive regardless as will the twins, not that it matters. They've already taken to calling Sho 'Papa', and he considers them his own children as much as he does the one in my belly right now. That's all I could ever ask for."

Kiba nodded slowly. "I'm happy for you, sis. But…"

Hana rested her hands on her little brother's shoulders. "Besides, I'm just not cut out to lead. Maybe when I only had myself to look out for, I could have chanced it. But now I have my children and a loving man at my side. Nothing else could add to my happiness. And I would definitely rather spend off-mission time with my kids than bother with all the formalities of being the clan leader."

"But…"

Kiba was abruptly spun around to face his mother. She looked… moderately irritated.

"What's the problem here, Kiba?"

"Uh, nothing, Ma. Just talkin' with Hana about the meeting."

Tsume's eyes narrowed a fraction more. "Ah, yes. The meeting. The meeting that you missed. Again."

Kiba scowled. "I don't see what the big deal is. It's not like I'm the leader yet or anything, and I've seen you doing it for long enough that I get how it works. Besides, I'm not really sure how I would have responded had someone questioned your choice in heirs."

Tsume's hard stare lasted only a second longer than Kiba had been expecting. So he'd interpreted Hana's hint correctly… His clan didn't want him to be the leader.

His mother rubbed her eyes. "It's not that anyone questions your leadership abilities per se, just that they're concerned what this means for the clan in the long run." At Kiba's blank look, she sighed and continued. "As you well know, leadership in the Inuzuka is generally passed down family lines."

"Yeah, to keep our pedigree pure, right?" He got a cuff on the ear for that.

"And anyone not satisfied with the current leader can challenge them and, upon winning, take control of the clan themselves."

Kiba groaned. "Ma, I know all this. What's your point? What, does someone wanna throw down with you because they're afraid I'll drive the clan into a ditch?"

Tsume was watching him carefully. "I already said that's not the problem. It's more that… well, they worry about the transmission of leadership."

"…They think I'm sterile?"

Tsume chuckled quietly. "No. What they worry about is your ability to actually settle down enough to find a mate."

Kiba was so confused. "So they think I'm too ugly to attract anyone? Because seriously, that is not a problem. You can ask around, I've got girls ogling me nonstop."

"It's not a matter of attraction, son. It's the fact that while our clan is not generally very concerned about monogamy, clan leaders have been the exception to that rule for ages. Though they may take lovers on the side, the heads of our clan have always had a single official mate in order to bear official heirs. Frankly, everyone is just worried about you being able to devote yourself to someone on anything close to that level."

Kiba blinked. "So apparently I have commitment issues. Good to know, glad everyone else figured that out for me." He hoped his mother was close to finishing their talk. He had an urge to go punch something now.

"If it makes you feel any better, part of their concern is that if you can't find a mate, someone will be forced to challenge, and none of them feel strong enough to take you on. If you happen to notice the Inuzuka youth training harder than usual, that's probably why."

"What, in preparation to fight me in a few years when I'm alone and heirless?"

Tsume smiled. "Exactly! I'm glad you understand. So, what are you going to do now?" She looked at him expectantly. Kiba stared at her.

"Uh… start coming to clan meetings?"

"In addition to that."

Kiba thought back over their conversation. "Train… harder?"

His mother's expectant look had devolved into exasperation. She smacked him upside the head. "Stop being an immature little bitch and find yourself a woman!"

"But Ma, I'm not a bitch. You changed my diapers, you know I've got a di-" Cue ear cuff number two.

"I meant it in the colloquial sense, idiot son. Now man up and do your duty. You are going to be the next clan leader. It's high time you start thinking like one." The mother stared her son down for a moment. "And let's face it, you don't exactly have a lot of experience with getting girls." She held up a hand at Kiba's protest. "By getting, I mean keeping. Make no mistake, I knew exactly when you lost your virginity, and have been aware of the countless encounters since." Kiba rolled his eyes. As if he didn't know how great Inuzuka noses were… His mother continued to talk, ignoring him. "You may be excellent at the one-night stand game, but if you're going to bag a girl ever, you might as well start working towards that now. Grow up a little, huh?"

With that said, Tsume grinned toothily, clapping her son on the back. "I understand that you might think it's a lot to ask of a young male in his prime, to try and find a girl for more than just a tumble in the sack. But I'm sure you're more than capable of handling it."

And she walked away. Kiba stood there dumbly.

He wished someone would have told him that everyone thought he was such a man-slut.

Kiba was not one to run from responsibility; he was keener on hiding from it.

Unfortunately, his mother could scent him out from a range of three miles. This limited his options. He was currently ensconced in his room. Yes, just about everyone knew where it was, but at least most had the decency to leave him alone in it when the door was shut, which is more than he could say for most other places, the bathroom included.

Of course, that convenient sort of peace could never be expected to last. No sooner had he shut his eyes for another well-deserved nap when…

"Brother dear! I've got something for you!"

See, that's exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about.

Said dear brother sat up, grumbling, "Come in if you must."

And she had to.

"Since it seems you're going to be entering the dating scene soon, I put together a care package of sorts!" Hana hefted a basket in the air, grinning. "It's got a couple of magazines with helpful tips, some nice cologne, a few of my girlfriends' numbers if you get really desperate, a-"

Kiba groaned and flopped back onto his bed. "Oh, come on… I'm not even clan leader yet. I'm trying to find a spouse for the sake of that position, but I don't see why I have to find one right now."

His sister rolled her eyes. "I think it's important to remember that, given your relationship retardation, you'd be more statistically likely to find a wife by the time you're clan leader if you get all your failures out of the way now."

Kiba rolled onto his stomach, biting at his covers. "This sucks. And not because of what you all seem to think, that I'm incapable of being a one-woman man." His sister's silence gave him leave to continue. "I just… I dunno, I just feel like I'm not going to be able to find anyone because I feel guilty about why I'm even looking."

Hana sat down at the foot of the bed. "What is there to feel guilty about? Isn't that why humans have relationships, why dating even exists? What other purpose does it serve if not to help us find that special someone we need in our lives?"

"Because that's not what I'm looking for." He could feel the weird look his sister was giving him, but sat up to get visual confirmation anyway. "I mean, it'd be great to find true love and all that, but at this point in my life, I'm not personally dedicated to that cause, you know? I'm only 21. That's hardly a serious age."

He ran his hands through his hair, snarling it up in various directions. "And even if that weren't the case, it doesn't change the fact that I would be looking for my one and only for the sake of being a proper clan leader. And that's just a bullshit reason, as far as I'm concerned. What woman would want to be a part of that kind of situation?"

His sister was silent a moment longer before reaching out and brushing his hair out of his face. "But it's not as if everyone has relationships simply for love's sake. There are plenty of folks who get together because they want a family in the future, and find their partner satisfactory to have a family with. It's impossible to factor things like that out of the equation. That's just the way the world is." She sat back and looked at him calmly. "I'm surprised you can't see that. I never took you for such a romantic."

"Well, maybe I just don't see the point in a business marriage. That's what this is starting to sound like it'll turn into. And the business is children."

Hana rolled her eyes again. "Stop being so melodramatic. Your coupling will be based on your choice as opposed to some outside arrangement, so I don't see why you keep trying to equate it with business. And what's wrong with kids? You like mine well enough."

"Yeah, but I didn't have to raise 'em. And you had your kids because you actually wanted some at the time. I do not currently share that desire."

"It's not like your theoretical wife is just going to pop out a baby and be done with it. You'll both do your part to raise your child. Of course, if you died, your wife would be more than capable of rearing the kid on her own…" Hana mused, pursing her lips. She knew from personal experience, after all. Her adorable (and annoying) five-year-old twins had been fathered by one of their own clansmen, who (in typical Inuzuka fashion) didn't bother sticking around for very long.

"But… Well, you know… I just…"

"What?"

Kiba mussed up his hair again, growling indignantly in an attempt to distract his sister from the light blush covering his cheeks. "I just don't think I'll want to be a father until I find the exact right girl. I mean, I don't just want a womb, I want… oh, I don't know. Shit." He shook his head, turning away again. "Maybe I've still got hormones left over from adolescence that are messing with my brain. Maybe I am a romantic. I just don't want to have find the exact right girl right this very second, but I'm gonna have to if I need to get some heirs on the assembly line."

"…How poetically you phrase things, little brother. I see no possible way for you to have trouble finding a lady."

"Hey, I'm being serious here!"

Hana laughed at Kiba's expression, one akin to a puppy that realizes it has gotten tricked into willingly going to the vet. "Well, stop it! This is not the end of the world, baby brother. It's just a part of life." She smiled at him fondly. "Don't let all the details get to you, okay? Keep your wits, if you can. Why don't you go for a walk, hm? Take a breather from the compound. It'll do you good, I promise."

"Oh? You guarantee it?"

"Stop being such a pill. You're not the only person who's had to come to terms with reality faster than they might have wanted."

Kiba realized this, but couldn't bring himself to care. "Bully for them."

Hana gave a quiet laugh. "Bully for me, you mean. This is exactly what I went through when I first found out I was pregnant, which is indefinitely more stressful than your situation."

"…I fail to see how you rationalize that." Call him a pill, and a pill he would be.

Hana stood and made her way to the door, but not before smiling wryly at her little brother. "Understandably. After all, you aren't going to be the one having the baby, are you?"

Okay. With his sister's help, he had come to the conclusion that he was severely overreacting. Still, could you really blame a guy?

He tried to take her advice, leaving his room moments after she had, intent on getting out into the forest and having a relaxing think.

The world, however, rejected this idea as fully as possible. He encountered far more people than usual after leaving his safe haven, and every one of them tried to give him advice, having all heard about his little problem. It seemed that he had indeed been wrong; his clan was all for him being the leader so long as he fixed his whoredom.

Assholes. They have some nerve trying to hold me to this bullshit double standard. Let's see them go steady for a while...

After the fifth unbearably chatty clan member, he decided he might as well just go out a window. He was barely ten steps from his room at this point, and thus concluded that the front door was likely at the end of a treacherous path he'd really rather not traverse. Once he was out, however, he made it to the main road without issue and followed it to the old training grounds.

He was lucky enough to find them empty, and so rested himself against a tree trunk, trying to enjoy the balmy twilight. Pulling off his forehead protector, he decided to practice tying various knots with the ends; it wasn't a particularly useful task, but if he kept his head down in mock concentration, he had the potential to look very busy should anyone else walk by. Maybe they would hesitate to bother him if he looked occupied enough.

To his credit, his mind was more on his dilemma than the knots; for once he was thinking something through. Currently, he was formatting a list of places that were a) familiar, b) abundant with ladies, and c) abundant with ladies that actually had potential. He was coming up quite short.

Damn…

Kiba peered around cautiously for passersby. He didn't see or sense anyone and so, for tension release if nothing else, he pulled a Shikamaru.

"TROUBLESOOOOOOOOOOOOME!"

"God, everyone is so loud today… What's your excuse?"

Like a duck to a duck call, the lazy nin was drawn to the scene. Kiba might have flinched in shock on any other occasion, but the presence of another male was a blessing, this male in particular. A notorious genius, Shikamaru was also a surprisingly good listener; and he was alone, thank the blessed heavens. The oddness of his arrival could be overlooked for the time being. Kiba slid a bit further down his tree.

"My life got sucked into a black hole earlier today, that's all."

"And that means what to me?"

"It means that I now have a duty to my clan that I can't avoid, this duty being t-"

"To find a mate and have pups, I know…" Shikamaru yawned widely, sinking to the ground. The dog nin glared slightly, irritated by Shikamaru's usage of terms (just because he used them didn't mean other people should), but nodded anyway.

"Well, I see no real problem, unless you're absolutely incompetent with girls."

Kiba looked off into the distance. "I'm not usually, but now I'll always have this… mission in the back of my mind. It'll complicate things."

"Why?" The relaxed form at Kiba's feet slung both relaxed arms behind its head and settled further into the turf. "Other guys think the exact same things when chatting women up. Maybe not all the time, and maybe not all guys, but mostly when a male is becoming friendly with a female in a way that is strictly not friendly, he has designs such as yours in mind. I see no reason why you should let that scare you."

He has a point.

Kiba frowned slightly. "Then I guess all my fussing is for nothing, huh?"

"Guess so." Shikamaru's face was illuminated as the moon escaped its cloud covering. His eyes were open and gleaming oddly. "How's that sister of yours these days, anyway?"

"Fine. Why?"

"Just curious. She's been pretty busy lately. Getting married soon, right?"

Kiba nodded. "Yeah. She's pretty infatuated by this Sho guy. She seems really happy. I just wish she'd bring him around more often, though. I don't know much about him. It makes me worry a little."

A pony-tailed head turned his direction. "Don't trust her happiness much, do you?"

"Well, guys are dogs."

A chuckle in the dimness. "Yeah. You'd know best of all, right?"

Kiba grinned roguishly. "I can only hope."