Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And know I'll be ok
Though my skies are turning gray
She was empty. A swirling dark void was filling her being as she lay in the tangled blue sheets with only the moon covering her body. Sweat glistened her pale, milky skin, sending a shiver down her spine. It was the only sign that she was still alive inside. Her pink hair was matted against her scalp, knots forming from being tossed and turned on the flat pillow under her head. A throbbing pain lulled between her legs as she slowly rose out of the sheets and stared at the space in front of her. This wasn't supposed to feel like it did. It wasn't supposed to feel like her heart had been torn, leaving only a human lookalike shell on the outside that seemed to be still breathing. Her mouth felt dry, her tongue was swollen from no saliva intake. She could feel her lips crusted together and imagined the blood that would ooze out if she dared to pry them open. She didn't worry though. She had nothing to say.
The pale yellow wall in front of her seemed so far away. The window off to the right displayed the billions of stars sparkling under the moon's watchful eye. The stars seemed closer than the wall somehow. She blinked slowly, watching how everything was swallowed by black, only to reappear as if nothing happened. It must have been a coincidence of how it seemed so much like her. She wanted to draw up knees, but the ache coming from her groin prevented further movement for the time being. It had to be some kind of punishment for the last few nights. She wholeheartedly accepted nature's scolding.
She pretended not to hear the rustling beside her. Closing her eyes, she watched the world be enveloped in darkness and when she would open them again, it would be like nothing ever happened.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
He watched with woeful cerulean eyes as she rose from the bed like a vampire from a coffin. Her skin was too pale as her vibrant hair gently sat upon her shoulders, offsetting the distinct drain of color. He could see her skin shimmer in the moonlight from the sweat. He rolled over lightly to get a better view of her still figure. She was watching the wall, seeing something that made her frown slightly, obscuring her near perfect features. He didn't like that frown and he couldn't help but to think that he caused it. Clenching the blue sheets tightly in his fists, he witnessed the closing of her eyes, hiding the pools of broken emeralds beneath her lids that were smeared from her forgotten mascara. They were always smeared like that these passed few nights.
He could feel himself still perspiring and shuddered at the chill the open window sent towards his naked body. Something inside of him was breaking, he was sure of it. He could hear the faint cracks tracing his insides slowly, waiting to finally take control and shatter him. It was only a matter of time. But as he looked to his roseate-haired accomplice sitting upright a few inches away from him, he knew that he had to hold out a little longer. She ... needed him. It was the only way to describe the feelings that he sensed radiating from her cowering figure a few nights back. He wanted to hold her in his arms and love her with all his slowly dissipating heart. He thought that she wanted it too.
Her eyes were still closed and he couldn't figure out what was running through her mind. There were no tears tonight, but a small part of him wished that there were. Then he'd know that she was still alive inside.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
She willed herself to stand. An explosion of pain from her groin almost sent her into convulsions, but she didn't have any more tears to leak out. She could faintly hear her slow, staggering steps echo softly against the wood floors as she made her way to the bathroom.
"Please, just please, Naruto, come home with me tonight. I don't want to be alone."
"Sakura-chan...you-you don't know what you're saying. I'll visit you in the morning."
"I do know what I'm saying! Won't you grant me this one request? I need you, Naruto!"
The cold water felt warm on her dry hands. She desperately tried to refrain from looking at the mirror in front of her bare form. She knew what she'd see. It was the same every night; each time, a new part of her insides would wither away. She knew the hole in her chest would be her demise one day for she could feel it drip crimson droplets of blood. Or was that her tears? Her left hand gripped at her sticky skin by her chest, trying to mend what she couldn't see. How did it get this bad without her realizing? Surely she would've noticed this gaping void that was the size of her hand. Was she that oblivious? That selfish?
She didn't answer herself. She never did.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
He didn't know why he let this happen. Wasn't he supposed to protect her? Golden hair fell into his eyes and he wiped the stray locks away, absently noting how wet they were. He heard the bathroom door shut with a defined 'click'. A part of him wanted to scramble over to it and beg her to let him in, to let him explain, to let him apologize. Some bigger part, the part that somehow enjoyed this, stayed put on the bed. This wasn't what he wanted. This wasn't love.
He had somehow convinced himself that he was helping her, mending her broken spirit. But as he heard the bathroom door open and she strode in with limped steps, he couldn't see what possessed him to stay that night.
"I want this Naruto. I want it!"
"Sakura-chan... You're not thinking straight. Please don't do this to me."
"Don't you love me?"
He felt the tears roll down his whiskered scars, following the unmarked path to his chin and took the deadly plunge to the azure sheets below one by one. Yes, he did love her. As he looked to see her staring at the pale yellow wall again with unfocused light green eyes, he loved her. Even when she bellowed out his name as she reached her climax, her face contorted into a sensual moan, he still loved her.
Her head turned a fraction as if hearing his thoughts aloud. Her eyes lost their ominous cloud to an unreadable glint as she stared at the tears' trails that etched across his face. But if he loved her, why would he let this continue?
He forced himself to answer. He didn't like what he came up with.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o
He was crying. He wasn't supposed to be crying..it was always her that was vulnerable and weak. If he was crying, did that mean her heart had finally stopped beating? She kept staring at the droplets that fell upon the sheets, glistening in the hushed moonlight. Had she done this? Was this heartbreaking scene her handiwork? No matter how much she tried, no tears would leak from her own eyes.
She couldn't weep with him.
She could only watch.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o
He'd do anything to make her happy. He'd accept anything that she would hand to him that smelled even faintly of compassion. Even if it killed him. The tears wouldn't stop streaking his face, but he didn't feel sad. He felt angry with himself and his undying need to feel loved and his selfish desire to hold onto that feeling if only for a few hours every night. Didn't he care what would happen to her? Didn't he want her to be happy?
Yes, he told himself.
It would stop tonight.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
A pipe was leaking somewhere, breaking the silence that had enveloped the quaint room. With each drop, daybreak drew closer, its faint pink hues lining the navy sky languidly. Tomorrow had come. There were papers to be filed, patients to heal, missions to be completed, ramen to eat, meetings with old sensei's to endure and hanging with some buddies to be done. The world yawned with blissful ignorance.
Her shoulders shook as the dawn wind blew through the open window. This couldn't keep happening, she knew, but no words were uttered through her cracked lips. With a slight turn of her roseate-head, she looked at her chewed-off nails and calloused hands. Wasn't everything one big callous? The world rubs you the wrong way constantly, so you build a barrier to protect yourself? She could hear the pipe plop out wasted water. Was this her barrier?
He didn't bother to rub off the salty residue from his face. It'd dry from the open window anyway. His sapphire eyes traced her profile carefully, memorizing every freckle made from the sun and the distinct yet soft set of her jaw. He didn't memorize her eyes. He didn't want to remember her broken, defeated look. He overstayed his welcome. He took too much. He wouldn't come tonight.
"I promise, Naruto. This is what I want."
Her eyes met his.
"Are-are you sure? No regrets?"
She lowered herself slowly back onto her flattened pillow and wrapped the soaked sheets around her small frame. She rubbed up against him. He was warm. He buried his nose into her greasy hair and tried to remember what it felt like to be whole. He couldn't have her remind him anymore. When he was whole, she fell apart. There were a million words he could spill from his gut, a billion things he could explain, and a trillion he could apologize for, but his lips were crusted together and he didn't want to get blood in her hair. He heard her sigh. She heard him swallow.
"No regrets."
They closed their eyes and watched the world become swallowed by darkness.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
A/N: Okay, so I couldn't resist writing a oneshot. Actually, this doesn't even qualify as a oneshot. More like a drabble of sorts. It came to me suddenly as I was sleeping and I woke up and snatched a pen from my end table and scribbled it down on my arm. My teachers have been commenting lately on how ink poisoning is a serious issue...
If any of you don't know who "he" was, then I must bang my head against the keyboard. It should be obvious, but hey, I was the one who wrote it so it's obviously obvious to me. Sorry if Sakura seems a bit...selfish, greedy, whatever you want to call it. But I think you guys get the jist of why she's doing what she's doing and why Naruto's allowing it. You'll have to excuse me, it's past my bedtime and I get a little cranky.
A cookie for anyone who can point out symbolism!
P.S. I don't own Naruto. If I did, the Kakashi Gaiden would've been the fillers...
Good night,
- - H. 92