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THE CARDASSIAN MASK
The Cardassian Mask
A Star Trek: Voyager Novel
written and illustrated by
L. R. Bowen
Star Trek: Voyager copyright by Paramount Pictures, Inc. Characters, their distinctive likenesses and the Star Trek universe are the property of Paramount. Story copyright 1996, 1997 by L.R. Bowen. This work is not intended to infringe on any Paramount copyrights, and is not being sold for the author's profit. It may not be reprinted, excerpted, adapted, posted, electronically archived or otherwise used or circulated without the express written consent of the author. Permission is given to circulate the electronic version available from the author's web site without charge and with all identifying information, the author's name and disclaimers intact.
http://members.aol.com/lrbowen/lrbowen.htm
DEDICATION
"THE CARDASSIAN MASK" is dedicated with love to Michelle Green.
She read every word of it as it was produced, read every incremental
revision, urged its completion on innumerable occasions, provided commentary
and criticism and encouragement beyond measure. This work would have
taken a very different route without her input, and without the author's
unwholesome zeal for leaving her over weekends with cliffhanger endings to chapters.
Acknowledgments
A GREAT MANY PEOPLE helped with various elements of this work at all
stages of its composition. Most of them are denizens of the
alt.startrek.creative newsgroup and of Star Trek email lists. It is not an
exaggeration to say that the sheer vitality of the online Star Trek fan
fiction community has given the author much of her energy in creation
for the last year and a half.
This novel would not exist at all without Gene Roddenberry's Star
Trek universe and its latest incarnation in Voyager. Thanks to Rick
Berman, Jeri Taylor, and Michael Piller for the first two seasons. I've
loved Star Trek since childhood, when all we had was reruns of the
original series and the first movie was only a gleam in Paramount's eye.
But Voyager is hands down the version that has inspired the most
reaction from me, in the form of fan fiction. MANUSCRIPT READERS and commenters: Macedon, who raised an
eyebrow at mixed metaphors; Claire Gabriel, who pointed out the larger
flies in the ointment. Mary Eichbauer, Becca O, Diavolessa, Kit
Montana, Joan Testin, Diane Nichols, Jennifer Pelland, Laura Williams,
JoAnne Soper-Cook for substantial feedback and nitpicks. Many others
for general comments. AID WITH DETAILS of fact and fancy: Macedon, for Native American
spirituality; Rachel Wyman for Klingon expressions. Errors and
overenthusiastic extrapolations are mine alone. AID WITH DESIGN: Kit Montana. PICTURE RESOURCE: Meri and her tireless video capture board.
PREFACE
THIS NOVEL was originally intended as a short story. Bet you've heard that
one before. Its composition began approximately one week after the
episode "State of Flux" first aired in March 1995. As more episodes
aired, I incorporated more facts and details until the MS was
substantially complete in early November 1995. At that point, I sent it to
a number of readers who gave excellent feedback and encouragement.
When "Maneuvers" aired later that month, it confirmed many of the
themes already established, but I had to decide how to integrate all the
new information about Seska. Work progressed slowly, with other
projects taking up my attention until February 1996, when the present
novel began to take shape. It reached its final form in May/June 1996,
after all the second season's episodes had aired.
I couldn't take every element of the Voyager timeline into account,
since I had to cut it off somewhere in order to finish writing! I decided
to set the story at the end of the first season, after "Learning Curve" and
before "The 37s", since it is basically a response to that set of shows. The
stardate assigned to it reflects that placement. Details and
foreshadowing from the second season crept in during revision. As a
result, "The Cardassian Mask" will fit into canon up to the events of
"Resolutions", at the end of the second season. Since the
Janeway/Chakotay relationship took a welcome but unexpected turn in
that episode, nearly all J/C fan fiction that had been written up to that
point was made non-canon, and "The Cardassian Mask" is no
exception. This story exists in the universe created by so many fan
authors; that of a possible route these two might have taken towards
connection, given their friendship and attraction so tantalizingly offered
on the show itself. I'd like to make it clear that this is an adult novel, not meant for
minors. This is not primarily an erotic work, but it contains some strong
language and intense situations that may upset sensitive people. If you
don't enjoy reading about sexual matters, be warned. "The Cardassian Mask" is intended for those who enjoy Voyager
and its principal characters. It's an homage to Star Trek and to Trek
fans, an expansion on a shared universe. It is not meant as theft or
infringement, but as an expression of love and dedication and
acknowledgment of potential. It has this in common with countless
other fan works worldwide. If one can judge a work by what it inspires
in others, Voyager has reached an extraordinary standard.
L. R. Bowen
[email protected]
FIRST OFFICER
A smooth white fledgling swan, that spreads her wings like sails;
Her captain said to me, "Put our differences aside."
I walk her deck plates now, run my hands along her rails,
The uniform I tore away I wear again with pride.
I was a captain once; I may never be again:
The flock that I commanded orbits now another sun.
If I could choose once more, throw the gulf between us twain,
What says the star that I would seek would be a different one?
This lady's mine. I'd give my eyes to see her safe from harm;
I'd give my hands to help her but a mile along her way;
Her head I may not be, but I am her strong right arm;
My heart lies in her keeping, though gain home it never may.
Commander to commanded is my highest duty now,
But in commanded to commander lies the substance of my vow.
PART ONE: GARDENS
CHAPTER ONE
THE UNIVERSE of stars.
Kathryn Janeway looked out of the viewport in her quarters and
realized that any part of the galaxy, of many galaxies, might look much
the same to her from the warm haven of her bed. The many colors of the
lights, never so visible from a planet's surface as from airless space, the
delicate tendrils and clouds of the nebulae, the glow of new stars still
obscured by the dust that had given them birth. Janeway had seen
similar vistas far closer to home, and there was nothing in this one to
prove to her that she and her ship were a lifetime's travel from familiar
places. She turned over, and sighed, not sadly, and put her arm out to the
right where the bed was empty. It was not made for two, the bed in the
captain's quarters, but she always slept to one side anyway, leaving a
little room for someone who was not there. It made the bed seem
warmer, somehow. Her loose hair slipped across the pillows as she
slowly sat up, and fell against her back with the softest of sounds, and a
touch like a gentle hand on the fabric of her nightgown. Dreaming about
Mark? Someone who was not there. Her shadowy lover vanished with
the first waking thoughts, always. But she had a smile for the morning,
and for the stars. "Computer, play program Janeway Epsilon Two," she said, and a
happy fiddle tune, her wake-up music, drifted through the room as the
lights came up. The flowers in the vases greeted her, and a medium-
sized heap of data PADDs on her desk in the sitting area, visible
through the open door. It wasn't yet time to get to work, but the
reminders of it were everywhere, even in her most private spot.
Janeway shrugged off her gown and left it in a little pink heap as she
moved to the bathroom to take a shower. Her hair needed washing
today, and she had thirty minutes still before she had planned to eat
breakfast, so she could take her time and make a small luxury out of it.
The tune of the fiddle was a good one to hum with, so she hummed as
she worked out the knots with a brush in front of the mirror and
stepped into the shower. Her favorite shampoo, with a little scent to it,
and several minutes just to stand and let the warmth surround her. The dryer had her hair smooth and shining in an instant after she
finished and stepped out, and she swept it up and pinned it quickly,
letting the wave in front relax over her forehead. Somewhat more
flattering, though still controlled; not bad. Janeway had been
experimenting with her hair lately. She surveyed the effect, hands on
hips, reached for her cosmetics, put on a stroke of lipstick, reentered the
bedroom and dressed. The uniform had just come out of the cleaning
cycle and hung crisp and smooth in her closet next to a spare and a few
outfits for special occasions. A diaphanous scarf hurriedly draped over
a beige dress. Lifted by the air as she opened the door, it floated to the
floor, and she bent automatically to pick it up, but hesitated. She should have put that away, or given it to someone else. The
scarf was lovely, but the memories associated with it still rankled.
Janeway drew it into her hands, feeling the impossibly light gossamer
pass through her fingers, almost not registering as a solid substance, the
veiling a nearly invisible wash of color. Beautiful, but an illusion. The
Sikarians were generous with trivial pleasure, but had denied Voyager
their space-folder, that had been a brief bright hope for the homeward
journey. And the consequence? Near-mutiny, Voyager almost destroyed,
a new friend in disgrace, an old friend sacrificing her absolute trust in
him to do what she could not. Torres had returned to her work,
chastened, and Tuvok stepped carefully now, the rift in what had been
perfect understanding never to fully close again. Janeway folded the
scarf and put it in a drawer. The wall chronometer still gave her five minutes. The captain did
not stand a regular duty shift, as she was on call all the time, but she
liked a predictable schedule on days that were not disrupted by any of
the myriad oddities of the Delta Quadrant. She picked up her
nightgown, folded it on the pillow, straightened the covers, and left for
breakfast. As she passed First Officer Chakotay's quarters, just down
the corridor on the way to the turbolift, she heard him stirring.
HE WOULD have given a month's pay, not that he had much use for
it out here, just to see the sun rise on trees and hills and to feel the
movement of early breezes on his face. Ironic, he thought, that a man
who had chosen to leave the orb of his birth should long for it now, out
among the stars where he had always meant to make his home. But he
had dreamed of forests again, and of a view of lakes from a high place.
The most restless wanderer must sometimes circle back to touch the
earth once more.
Chakotay threw the covers back and rolled naked out of bed,
stretched to his greatest height with a discreet crackle of joints, bent and
touched his toes. He was going to have to do a lot of walking today and
wanted to limber up, his muscles tight from lack of running room.
Voyager's chronic shortages--space, crew, power, food--needed
constant attention, and in a couple of hours he would be leading an
away team to gather food on a planet Neelix had recommended.
Voyager had changed course at Janeway's order, and they were due in
orbit just after breakfast. Though Neelix had burbled on about the
scenery, Chakotay's expectations were not too high, but this was a
precious chance to get out of doors. He sat cross-legged on the floor and closed his eyes for a moment.
Here, in this cabin he was gradually filling with the work of his hands,
he was beginning to find the home he needed. His medicine bundle was
safely hidden where it belonged, and the medicine wheel he had
painted was rolled on a shelf around the guiding stones that gave it
power. He had taken a stone from each planet Voyager had visited, and
put a mark on it that gave it the capacity to hold a piece of the natural
spirit of the place. He had quite a little collection now, but none of them
was very new. Weeks now since he had breathed air that had the scent
of leaves and water, or looked out a window that had a sky beyond. His
gaze lingered on the stars in the viewport as he chanted quietly, pausing
to hear the answering notes from the lives all around him. They were
here with him, and he could take some comfort from that fact alone, and
not miss the ones who were gone quite as much. Those who were dead
still looked over his shoulder and gave advice; but he wished suddenly
he could feel warm living hands in his, and the brush of soft hair under
his chin as he gave comfort and received it. A long time ago now, he
thought, and don't go counting the days. He rose, and went to wash, and put on his uniform that seemed
almost natural again. Black and red for Starfleet command, the life he
had chosen as a boy and abandoned as a man. And then stumbled back
to by a route so unlikely no dream of his had ever predicted it. The solid
insignia pin on the collar was the only thing that identified him as a
former Maquis--that, and the curving blue angles on his left temple.
One day, if he was lucky, his father might look over his shoulder again
and know that his son had returned to the path his ancestors pointed
out, that he had received the ancient mark with no thought of ever
returning to the stars he had loved so well. Chakotay looked out the
viewport at the endless void between the bright points. A twisted path,
the one he walked; doubling back upon itself, contrary: in the traveler's
image. "Hell, that's what you get for gambling with other people's rules,"
he said to himself, and quirked his mouth at his reflection in the mirror.
Another day, another mystery meal or two from the cheerful Talaxian
cook and self-appointed Morale Officer. At least the sight of Neelix
always made him smile. Chakotay smoothed his cropped hair with two
quick strokes of the hand, tugged on the sleeves of his uniform, and
headed for the dining room.
"GOOD MORNING, Captain."
"Good morning, Commander. I see our schedules are coinciding
for once." Janeway glanced at Chakotay as she filled her cup from the
pot on the table. A wisp of steam spiraled out, the air disturbed by his
arrival. "Yes." "Care for some of Neelix's 'coffee'?" "I usually don't indulge this early in the day." Chakotay smiled
slightly, holding a bowl of hot cereal. Janeway returned the smile, more
broadly, and his expression changed. Not a grin, but a different smile,
one that brought his whole face awake. "I don't blame you. I have to have something to get me going in the
morning, though, even if it's not the real thing." Chakotay seemed to be
enjoying a private joke, and Janeway raised a brow, looked at the pot
and put it down. "Are the away teams all ready to go? Have a seat." "Thank you, Captain." He pulled out a chair and straddled it in
one motion, put his bowl on the table. "Yes, everyone has their
assignments. I'm taking as few as possible, because of that Kazon-
Nistrim ship we spotted yesterday, and about as many security guards
as food gatherers." "Tuvok's very concerned about that ship. And he's probably right
to be--if this planet really is as good a gathering spot as Neelix seems to
think, the Kazon must visit here fairly often along with everyone else." "We'll be there as short a time as possible." Chakotay ate in
between phrases while she sipped at her cup. "Frankly, there may not
be much reason to stay if the verdant area is only a few thousand
kilometers square. Other ships may have stripped it clean." "But the gardens are supposed to be beautiful," Neelix called from
the kitchen, where he was serving plates to a long line of crewmen. "I'd
visit there just to look at them, even if I didn't need any food." "Really?" said Janeway with interest. "Gardens? I thought you said
no one lived there and all this was growing wild." "No one lives there any more. But there are a lot of old ruins, and
that so-called Kazon base--" "Kazon base?" They said it almost in unison, spluttering hot food,
and Neelix looked alarmed. "Oh, no, no, it's only a rumor. There aren't any satellites, and only
ruins on the surface. No, it's just a myth." He wrinkled his freckled nose
in deprecation and stirred a sticky mass in one of his pots. "The Nistrim
visit a lot, but so does everyone else who knows about it. It's a neutral
area and this is the only thing worth visiting at all. The Kazon don't
claim this sector, usually. Talaxian convoys go there nearly as often
when the Nistrim are out of the way." "Neelix, you might have mentioned that earlier, rumor or not.
We're nearly there now." Janeway put her cup down and looked at
Chakotay, who was arching his brows with dry humor. She started to
reprove him with her own expression, but he shrugged. "We were going to take security precautions anyway. If we detect
anything unusual, we'll just leave. Voyager can outrun the Kazon." "And you'll just love it down there, Captain," Neelix chimed in.
"I've never been to the surface myself, but I talked to a Talaxian who
had talked to some one who had been, and he went on for hours about
the scenery. I was simply spellbound." Janeway and Chakotay looked at each other with a mutual smile,
but she glanced down at her cup again after a moment. "We'll see.
Tuvok will probably have something to say about that." She shifted her
look back to Chakotay, who was still smiling, his eyes lingering over her
hair. "How is the personnel situation in ship's operations,
Commander?" She was a little surprised at the crispness of her tone. "Well..." Chakotay took another spoonful of cereal. "B'Elanna
asked me to mention the problems in Engineering since we lost...Ensign
Seska." "Ah." A brief pause, the name hanging in the silence between
them. Chakotay's attention focused on his bowl. "And she would like
my authorization for a transfer from another section?" "I almost promised her one. Well, two, actually." He glanced up
from under his brows, his face sobering at Janeway's slight frown, and
tugged on one ear. "I'm afraid there just aren't enough trained people to go around.
B'Elanna's doing wonders with what she has--please tell her so. It's her
own efficiency that makes it possible to run Engineering with a depleted
staff, and take some of the pressure off other areas." Janeway smiled to
soften the sting. "I'm sorry." "Aye, Captain." Chakotay swallowed the last spoonful of cereal
and stood up. "Going to eat and run?" "Well, unless there's something else you'd like--" "No," Janeway replied, and leaned back to look into his face. "Call
me on the bridge if anything comes up. And, Chakotay--" "Yes?" "I think you're doing wonders with what you have as well." Chakotay paused on the verge of turning away, looked back at her
with his dark eyes warm, his smile a little shy. Strange in a man so
formidable, that diffidence of manner defusing his height and power-- He nodded in thanks, his gaze dropping away from hers, then
stepped aside to let some crewmen pass, moved to the door and
disappeared. Janeway was still looking after Chakotay, and thought of him
walking the corridors of Voyager where his duty took him, glad she had
a first officer in whom she could repose such confidence. She would
never have thought it some months ago of a man she had meant to
arrest as an outlaw. The captain smiled into her cup, grimaced and
finished her ersatz coffee, and departed for the bridge.
"NO, ADAMS, I didn't draw straws. I chose people who could cover
a lot of ground and carry big sacks of fruit, and whose absence wouldn't
harm the ship's battle-readiness too much. If one Kazon ship has been
here, there could be more, and at least some of them know how to cloak
themselves from Voyager's sensors. This isn't the place for casual
sightseeing."
"Yessir," replied the disappointed young officer, and stood back
glumly from the transporter pad. Chakotay nodded to the transporter
chief. "Energize." Another group of food gatherers dematerialized.
Tuvok and his security team had already been on the surface for half an
hour, but had reported no sign of Kazon encampments. Chakotay
stepped to the pad with the last five crewmen in the room. "Janeway to Chakotay." "Yes, Captain. Are you coming? All but the last group are down." "No, Tuvok concurred with me--it's too dangerous for anyone to
leave Voyager unless it's absolutely necessary. I'm sorry I won't be going
with you." He heard what sounded like a faint sigh. "I wanted to wish
you luck in the gathering, and please enjoy yourself. Tell me about the
gardens when you get back, if they really are so beautiful." "Certainly I will," Chakotay replied. "I'll describe them as we go, if
you would like." He could imagine Janeway's smile in the tone of her
voice. "Thank you, Commander. All in the spirit of scientific
investigation, of course. Janeway out." Chakotay began to give the order to energize, and had a sudden
thought. "Wait a minute, Ensign," he called after Adams, who was
leaving downcast. I've got a job for you after all. There's another piece
of equipment we're going to need." He sprang off the transporter pad
with an energy that surprised him. "I'll be back in five minutes, Chief.
Adams, I hope you're in practice, because I've probably forgotten
everything I ever knew about holocameras." "Yessir," replied Adams, beaming.
CHAPTER TWO
AH, THE IRONIES of the universe, Janeway thought, and smiled in wonder.
The crew of a starship, the greatest invention of science, that could take
its occupants distances beyond imagination, faster than the light of the
suns they brushed on their way--
Looking for the best spots to gather the fruits from the trees, and
stockpiling the roots they dug by hand from the earth. Below her turned a planet, a vast dry orb, save for a thousand
square kilometers of fertile garden. In all the great desert, only one
small area of verdant life; a mystery, but a welcome one. "I wish you could be down here with me," said Chakotay over the
comlink. Janeway heard a rustle of fallen leaves as he sat down. "This
view is even better than the one from the hills. I ran all the way down
just to get to the lake, though I was missing more sights on the way." "Sounds like a place one could spend a lot of time in." "I'm babbling, I know. But it's like nothing...do you want to hear
what I'm seeing now?" "Go ahead, I'm listening." Chakotay paused, apparently composing his words for her.
"Green water, clear as emerald, and the sun dancing with the ripples,"
he said softly. "The lake's like a jewel set in silvery grass. Tree branches
trailing in the water along the shore and moving in the breeze, and all
across the lake there are rafts of white flowers and huge round lily
pads--each must be two meters across. They're dark green, even
though the leaves on the trees have that strange violet coloration. By the
way, all the lakes turned out to be full of edible fish, and Kes thinks she
could set up an aquaculture tank to raise them on board." "That's an excellent idea. How is the food gathering going, by the
way? I'm not hearing too much about that." "Very well, Captain. Nothing poisonous or too disgusting yet," he
chuckled. He sounded warm and lazy, more informal than usual. "Oh, good. I can't wait to have some of those fruits. You will tell
me if you find any coffee plantations, won't you?" They laughed
together over the comlink. "Certainly. I'm on the lookout for chocolate cake bushes, too," he
replied deadpan. Janeway beamed in amusement and looked at his
empty chair beside her, imagining his faint playful smile. "Well, though
I could spend a week here, I've still got work to do. I'll be coming back
to Voyager in about an hour with the second load. Tuvok is still doing
security sweeps, but there's no sign of any Kazon base, though there are
a lot of ruins in the outlying areas." "All right, Commander. It does sound delightful," she sighed.
"Those waterfalls you described, and the floating islands of lilies on the
lakes--is there any indication of why this small area is so humid?" "The tricorder readings may tell you something, Captain. I'm
afraid I'm not an expert on the weather, except for my home planet." "Well, be careful down there. Janeway out." She cut the link. It's a
wise policy to keep the captain on the ship when there's danger, she thought,
but I've certainly broken it before. Why not now? Because she had broken it
for good reason, to defend her crew and its interests, not for recreation.
No matter how beautiful the spot, or how fresh the breezes, or how
satisfactory the company. The first officer was certainly having a good
time down there. Chakotay sounded better than he had for weeks. She hadn't missed his unconscious turn of phrase--'here with me',
not just 'here'. Apparently he was feeling more social, in the lovely
setting she could only imagine from his words. Chakotay had been
morose and taciturn for a long time after Seska's disappearance, and
still lapsed into dark moods occasionally, in which he kept entirely to
himself off duty. But Janeway's worries had evaporated with his first
report from the surface, soft-voiced with awed delight. And what
would it be like, walking with him under the violet leaves? Tuvok called
with a report on the security scans, and she was distracted.
CHAKOTAY SMILED to himself and jumped up as Ensign Adams
drew near, the young man brandishing a complicated-looking device
bristling with dials and lenses. "How's the recording going?" he called,
brushing aside weeping branches as he approached along the lake
shore.
"I covered the area and the lake pretty well already, Commander,"
said Adams, lowering the holocamera that he had been holding up to
his eye as he walked. "Kind of quick to do a really detailed job,
though." "That's all right," Chakotay said. "Now, would you give that to me
for a while? I've got something special in mind." "Uh, sure, Commander. The guards are right over there." Hiking back to the exact spot Chakotay wanted took some time,
but he made certain to record it from every angle. He didn't want the
computer to have to interpolate elements and generalize the scene too
much; he needed plenty of data to ensure the best possible result. The
two security men with him relaxed visibly in this beautiful place,
although their eyes kept scanning the trees and gentle slopes. He hurried back to the transport site to supervise the beam-up.
TUVOK HAD NEARLY FINISHED his security report on the solar system,
with an appended analysis of possible defensive scenarios in case of
mutiny, when he realized that the temperature of his meal had probably
dropped below the level of palatability. He took a bite of vegetable stew
from his nearly full plate, and was confirmed in that suspicion. It would
be wasteful to discard it, however, and he continued to eat, touching
PADD keys with one hand as he did so. He heard a familiar laugh in the
corridor, a moment of conversation, and Janeway strode into the dining
room, licking her fingers in a manner that suggested delight and guilt
combined. The Human penchant for simultaneous contradictory states
of mind never ceased to puzzle him. She glanced over the room, at the
full tables and eager diners. Few empty chairs, except at the isolated
table where he sat. Tuvok was conscious of her gaze, but dropped his
own. Janeway had not shared a meal with him in weeks, although it had
been her habit to do so nearly every day until the disaster at Sikarius. It
was logical, he knew, to lose some confidence in a person who had
violated a trust. She made her way toward him, and he could smell
sweet fruit on her breath when she stopped at his table. Tuvok laid
down his PADD and looked up at her.
"I'm anticipating dinner tonight, for once. I've been...examining the
new food supplies, and I had my dessert first, I must confess." Janeway
smiled and licked her fingers again. "Very much like a ripe peach, but I
should have saved it for last." "Captain, the nutritional value of any meal is unaffected by the
order of consumption of its components," Tuvok replied, and took
another lukewarm forkful. "Quite right," Janeway said with a suppressed humor she often
employed in his presence. She went to the service counter where Neelix
stood in an aromatic cloud, returning with a plate of fish in a bright red
sauce, and a steaming cup. "This smells wonderful. Fresh food. If I had
just been able to go down to the surface and breathe some fresh air to go
with it, this would have been a perfect day. But it's worked out very
well in spite of that." She sat down and hitched her chair up to the table. "You are satisfied with the results of the day's endeavors?" Tuvok
moved his PADD to make room for her plate, and she picked up the
report and scanned it quickly. "Well, let's see." She smiled and sipped at her cup. "This planet
was like a cornucopia, there wasn't a single problem with the away
teams--I must congratulate Chakotay on that--your security sweeps
turned up nothing untoward, and I've had a very good time listening to
a running commentary on what must be some of the most beautiful
scenes in the quadrant. He does have a pleasant voice...it must have
been very enjoyable to work down there, Tuvok." "The arrangement of individually attractive elements into
aesthetically satisfying vistas implied a carefully thought-out design.
The fact that nearly every species of tree and shrub bore edible fruit
would seem to have been the guiding factor in their selection, however.
The logic of combining two of the important functions of gardens into
one was impeccable, and engendered respect for the ability of the
designer." "In other words, you liked the place," said Janeway, chuckled, and
took a bite of her fish. "I believe I said so." "It sounded like the whole away team did. I'm very glad about
that. People need to run around in the sunshine every so often. It lifts
their spirits." She continued to eat, reading the PADD. "My, this is
spicy. But good. Neelix has obviously made a special effort today. I
hope Chakotay comes to dinner in time to have some of this." "Mr. Neelix spares no effort on his cuisine." Tuvok put down his
fork, as he had consumed sufficient food to maintain his blood sugar
and soluble vitamin levels until breakfast, and he did not care for the
way the rapidly solidifying stew clung to the roof of his mouth. "But I
believe the commander is not in the habit of consuming animal food." "Ah, that's something you two have in common, then. Besides
some experience in the Maquis." Janeway put the PADD down, raising
her eyebrows at him and smiling slightly, but she did not seem to be
making a joke. "Captain, I do not consider that I was ever actually a member of
the Maquis. My mission required--" "You carried out your mission very well. Rather too well for
Chakotay's taste, I suppose." "Gaining Commander Chakotay's good will was not the object of
the exercise." "Of course not." Janeway looked thoughtful, and took another bite.
"But perhaps you wish now that wasn't hanging between you two.
Perhaps you wish there wasn't that rift of trust between you." She
glanced at the PADD, the screen displaying his appendix on mutiny
scenarios. "It would be preferable from Commander Chakotay's point of
view, I have no doubt." He allowed himself an ironic inflection. "And from yours?" "I have no reason to mistrust him--" Tuvok stopped, and
considered the implications of what he had just said. "I'm very glad to hear that, Mr. Tuvok," said Janeway, in a tone
that he knew well. Tuvok decided to recast the appendix. The captain
was not willing to entertain such thoughts just now, obviously, and he
might have to come at the problem from another angle. However
uncomfortable the possible hazards of their situation, he did not feel
able to let them lie unexamined. Janeway gasped suddenly at a
particularly spicy mouthful, tears starting in her eyes, and he gave her
his glass of water, which she accepted with thanks. Janeway returned to
her meal, and Tuvok poured himself another glass. He drank meditatively while Janeway ate for several minutes in
companionable silence. A seed of uneasiness remained within him, and
he examined it carefully, testing its logic. The captain had returned to
her former habit of consulting with him at mealtime, which filled him
with...satisfaction, but the subject of the conversation was not to his
liking. Was he being admonished to move aside, to make room for
another point of view? Tuvok had been Janeway's adviser so long that
he viewed her confidence as his due, though of course she could bestow
it where she wished. Could she not repose her confidence in a new
adviser without disregarding the old? Logically, the captain must use all
the resources at her command, and Chakotay was an essential resource
in managing the unpredictable, untrained, sometimes dangerous
element of the former Maquis crew. Voyager needed their skills, and
Janeway needed their goodwill and loyalty. To ensure security and
harmony, therefore, she had given some of her trust and the position of
first officer to the former Maquis captain. Chakotay was a trained
officer and had discharged his duties efficiently, so the choice had
proved a good one. Tuvok had perfected this train of reasoning from
frequent repetition, and the familiar route of his mind ploughing in old
furrows turned the seed of uneasiness aside, covered it over to wither in
the dark. Then he looked at Janeway again, and felt the seed germinate as if
it had been given water. She looked up whenever someone entered the
dining room, with the beginning of a smile, but each time looked down
again without speaking to the newcomer, her frown growing almost
imperceptibly deeper with each disappointment. And disappointment
was what he read, subtle but clear, and his heart drained hot for a
moment. She glanced up, and he was grateful there was nothing in his
face that she could hold against him. "I wonder where he is," said Janeway, tapping her fork against the
rim of her plate. "To whom do you refer?" She made a face at him. "Chakotay, of course. He had a long day
down on the surface, he brought all this good food back with him--why
isn't he having dinner?" "He informed me that he was working on a personal project, and I
believe he must be engaged with it, possibly having lost track of time." "Possibly. When he gets involved in something, he doesn't do it
halfway. Did you know he's studied enough comparative mythology
and Human psychology for a degree in either? I've had some
fascinating discussions with him--" "Yes," said Tuvok with a faint air of resignation. "On the occasion
of our adventure in Ensign Kim's holodeck program, I was treated to a
lecture on the function of the legendary monster in various literary
traditions. The commander appears to have done a great deal of reading
in his spare time." Janeway smiled. "True, Chakotay can seem a little pontifical when
he gets onto his favorite subjects. But he feels strongly about them, and
that's an excuse for many faults." "I cannot plead such an excuse for my faults, Captain." "Really, Tuvok? I suppose I attribute motives to you that you don't
have. Forgive me, it's a Human failing." "I am quite familiar with it." "Well, I'm going to go check on the bridge, leave you in charge,
and then go to my quarters to catch up on all those reports you keep
nagging me about," Janeway said, and stood. "We'll set a course to
avoid that Kazon vessel. Call me if any come within sensor range.
Before they do, if possible." The quirk of her lips told him she was
making a joke in earnest now, and Tuvok bowed his head in perfect
gravity. "Aye, Captain." He rose with her, and walked close by her side as
they left the dining room.
"ANOTHER UNUSUAL THING about this system--" Janeway mused
aloud to herself, tapping the screen of a PADD as she hunched over the
desk in her quarters. "This garden, all the water--and no sign of any
defenses, or of anyone staking a claim to it." She had ordered Voyager
on its way as soon as the away teams had returned with their loads of
food, not wanting to risk an encounter with the ship they had spotted
on their approach.
Tuvok's report contained an outline of what he knew about the
Kazon-Nistrim, which was considerably less than about the Kazon-
Ogla, the sect they had met on the surface of the Ocampa planet and
had battled around the Caretaker's array. The Ogla had valued water
highly, but perhaps the Nistrim had better access to sources such as this
one. Neelix had said this was neutral space, open to anyone. Apparently
there was an informal agreement among the peoples who passed
through here to conserve the resources of the gardens and not
monopolize them. Like a water hole in a desert, she thought; community
property. If anyone tried to take one over, all others would be in
jeopardy and no one able to travel for lack of supply. A very different
situation from that in the Alpha Quadrant, where replicator technology
was universal. If the Nistrim had been able to make use of the replicator
Seska had stolen for them, the repercussions would have been
enormous. Known for their violence, they would have been able to flout
the social contract with impunity: take any oasis for their exclusive use,
or simply deny its use to others. Janeway shuddered, and picked up the
next PADD. Her desk intercom buzzed before the screen lit. "Sorry to bother you, Captain," said Chakotay over the comlink. "I
need a conference with you." He sounded serious and urgent, but
simultaneously bursting with suppressed excitement. "Certainly, Commander. What's the problem?" "Not exactly a problem, Captain. Please come to the holodeck." "The holodeck--?" A little flutter of suspicion crossed her mind.
"All right, I'll be there in a few minutes," she continued, deciding to see
what he had up his sleeve. The quiver of anticipation that passed
through her was unexpectedly strong. Although she had been speaking
to him all day over the comlink, she had seen him only at breakfast. She
realized she wanted to see him, very much, see his face smile again in
evidence of his good mood. Chakotay was known for his artistic touch
with holodeck programming, but that was not what she looked forward
to just now.
WHEN THE BIG DOOR slid open, sunlight streamed out into the
corridor, accompanied by a sweet fragrance and sounds of laughing
conversation. The planet's surface, just as her first officer had described
it. Small groves of violet-leaved trees embraced soft pale meadows
strewn with blue-green blossoms. A number of crew members lounged
on the lake shore or waded in the water, while others walked about
exclaiming at the unusually colored flora.
"Thank you, Commander," she said, although he was not in sight.
"That was very thoughtful of you." She strode in and looked around
with pleasure. "I'm glad you like it, Captain." Chakotay's voice came from behind
her, and Janeway turned to see him emerging from an open stand of
flowering shrubs. "Besides the food gatherers, who were all working
hard, no one was able to spend time here, and it was too beautiful just
to leave behind without taking some reminder with us." He walked up
to her side and smiled his transforming smile, a once-rare sight that was
growing more common. Janeway beamed in response, genuinely happy. Chakotay's mood
had been so dark the previous day, and on other occasions, and it
pleased her to see the neutral mask left off, to see him openly enjoying
himself. He had such boyish dimples-- She squeezed his right bicep and
surveyed the landscape. "Is it the whole area around the lake?" "Yes, I made sure to get recordings all over, especially of the best
spots. It's like a Japanese garden--too perfect to be natural, even though
no one had lived here for centuries. It's amazing that it's lasted this
long." "Pretty place, huh, Captain?" called out Tom Paris from the lake
shore. He snapped a stone across the water and Janeway watched it
skip four times. "Nuts, I was doing six or eight a minute ago. Watch
this." He scrabbled on the beach, holding up pebbles with a critical eye.
"Hey, Commander, write some more flat rocks into this." "Maybe later, Lieutenant. The captain gets her guided tour first." "Paris!" called Harry Kim, lounging on the grass with B'Elanna
Torres and several other young officers. "Just put in a pool table and a
bar, and it's perfect, right?" A chorus of laughter, which Janeway
joined. "Ahh, it's kinda wholesome for my taste," rejoined Paris, and
snapped another stone across the water. "Nine! Yes!" He bent to hunt
for more. Janeway looked at her first officer with a smile, then beyond him at
the pale hills, a delicate green against the cerulean sky. "Where are
those waterfalls you were telling me about?" "I was hoping you'd ask about that," he replied, and grinned, a
flash of mischief of which she had hardly known him capable. "Here,
come down to the water." What an energetic mood he's in, she thought.
Outdoor work does agree with him. Chakotay led the way to a strip of
sandy beach, where a canoe was drawn up with two paddles laid across
the gunwales. "I know you don't have a lot of time to spare, so I
thought we could go across the lake rather than around it." "Oh, wonderful--I haven't been in a canoe in ages. You'd better
steer." They pushed the canoe into the water and leapt in, Janeway in the
bow. Chakotay took a paddle and shoved powerfully off the shallow
lake bottom, sending them out among the floating leaves. The lake was about one kilometer in apparent diameter; it would
take twenty minutes to reach the other side. They would not actually
move very far, of course, since the holodeck was only a section of Deck
Six, but the sound dampers and visual barriers gave the illusion of
distance. Chakotay did most of the paddling, since Janeway frequently
rested and simply looked at the scenery or trailed her hands in the
water. A light breeze behind them helped propel the little craft. No
hurry, really. She could afford to take a break from reading, clear her
head, and go back to work refreshed. She was still on the ship, so she
was on call in case of any crisis. Nothing to worry about. A sudden thought struck her. "Commander--you never went to
the dining room. Aren't you hungry? You spent all evening on this
program--" "Actually, Captain," he replied with a self-deprecating laugh, "I ate
so much fruit down on the surface--so did everyone else there--that I
really didn't want any dinner. We couldn't resist, so I gave in and just
counted it as a meal ration." Janeway laughed merrily at the image. "I did just about the same
thing in the cargo bay when the loads came in. Oh, I remember going
berry-picking at a farm once when I was about six. My mother said they
should weigh me, not just the baskets, to see how much we had
gathered. My face was purple with the juice." Chakotay chuckled with her, then said softly, "There are a lot of
wild berry patches around where I grew up." She turned, and he was
looking at the lake shore, where laden vines hung from slender boughs
and cast shadows on the water. The stroke of his paddle paused, and
the droplets from the blade made a broken trail of rippling circles as the
canoe glided forward. In a moment, Chakotay faced forward again and
put the paddle in the water, and the practiced strength of his pull
guided them across the lake.
The waterfalls were exquisite, a series of stone terraces each less
than a meter high, cascading down from the river. Dark purple-blue
leaves reflected in the shining pools, and the sound of plunging,
dancing water mingled with soft rustles from the breeze in the tree tops.
Janeway sank down on the grassy bank and looked around with
dreamy satisfaction. "This has to be one of the loveliest holoscenes I've
ever been in," she said. "It's just like you described it. Better." Chakotay fairly shone with pride, squatting down beside her. "Oh,
it was already there--I just recorded it," he said modestly, and smiled.
His expression was warm, almost comradely, she thought. They had
never been this easy, this casual together before. Some kind of real
connection, of friendship and mutual comfort finally developing?
Chakotay's service with Janeway had begun with a wary dance of
testing maneuvers such as the one that had put Torres in her office. She
had yielded many such points to him to ease the transition, knowing
that he wanted harmony as much as she did for the sake of the crew.
They had settled into a careful rhythm, one that had been disrupted
only occasionally, as at Sikarius. She still remembered his brief
vehemence in conference and subsequent near-absence from
negotiations, once she had made it clear she put the Prime Directive
above Voyager's immediate advantage. But he was certainly trying to make peace. Although the
holorecording had been for the benefit of the entire crew, something
about his manner, his half-shy appreciation of her reaction told her that
this part of it was especially for her. A gift. "Thank you, Chakotay," she said, deliberately using his name
instead of his title. To her mild surprise, his smile slowly faded while he
continued to hold her gaze. The camaraderie changed to something less
comfortable; the energy of his mood made a subtle surge in his face. It
reminded her of her first sight of him on his own bridge, captain to
captain. But the energy had gained warmth since the last time she had
seen it, altered its nature in dormancy. Almost a glow. Chakotay's eyes
dipped to the ground just as Janeway began to wonder how the change
had come about. With a hearty slap on his knees, as if to rally himself,
he sprang to his feet and jumped down the bank to the water. "I'm going to check the resolution around the limits of the scene,"
he said, stepping with a dancer's lightness across stones in the stream to
reach the other side. "I might make a couple of adjustments to the
program--" "Oh, don't talk about that," she chided. "I want to believe it's real,
if only for a few minutes." "Believe anything you like," Chakotay replied from the opposite
bank, smiling a little oddly. "I'll be back in a minute." He turned and
walked into the dark trees, uphill, and soon disappeared from her sight. Actually, he was gone nearly a quarter of an hour, but Janeway had
fallen into a reverie by the staircase of shimmering pools and splashing
trickles, and hardly noticed the length of his absence. She could think about him more intently when he was not present. Her accidental first officer. He hadn't come up on a rotation roster;
he hadn't been recommended by another captain for the post; he hadn't
been interviewed or tested or cleared. Would she even have considered
an officer with an outlook so different from hers? When she had invited
him to take up the responsibility, second only to her own in its
importance to the ship, she had really had no choice in the matter. If she
wanted the Maquis's help, she had to make concessions and a true
alliance--she couldn't simply claim their services without giving their
captain a voice in command. Chakotay was qualified, an Academy
graduate and a Starfleet veteran of many years, but he had resigned his
commission to join an outlaw organization. The Cardassians were
abusing their jurisdiction over his home, and that had taken precedence
over all else. For a person of Janeway's bent, such an action was
unimaginable. Chakotay apparently did not hold himself accountable to
external authority, but to his inward directives. What had those directives told him that had allowed him to be the
lover of someone under his command? A Maquis command, to be sure,
but the principle was still the same. Favoritism from the superior,
improper influence going both ways, jealousy from others in the crew,
decisions of command weakened by biases that might injure the ship's
mission. At least he had seen fit to break it off with Seska, probably
realizing he was not immune to all those considerations. That was one
mistake he would surely never make again, considering its aftermath,
but Chakotay was a tester, a risk-taker. If he was certain he was right,
that was all he needed for action. Janeway had reason to be grateful for
that trait of his; first he had sacrificed his own ship to save Voyager, and
then had backed Janeway without reservation. Reckless, from his
perspective as a hunted outlaw, but guided by some deep conviction
that meant more to him than his own immediate advantage. Had he
even welcomed his unofficial return to the rank he had abandoned? He
had many ideas in common with Janeway, although he saw the universe
in very different terms from hers. It was inevitable that they would
argue over procedure and fine legal points, and almost as inevitable that
they would find that their larger goals had always been the same. Janeway knew she looked outwards for answers; brisk, physical,
direct, she dealt with problems of substantial reality much more readily
than with those of abstract principle. She believed in the Prime Directive
and her moral code with all her heart, and could not bear to violate
them or even test the limits of their flexibility, because she feared that
once she stepped off the narrow path, she would plunge down the
slippery slope and be lost. The territory at the fringes of her convictions
was too unfamiliar to navigate. Terrifying. The laws of thermodynamics she could fold in every direction she
pleased; the vastnesses of space were only space and could be crossed;
the guns of sneering enemies could be met with reason, with defiance,
with all the mighty forces of war. Solid problems, with solid answers. But the uncharted questions of ethics in Voyager's unique
situation? No backup, no guidance, no directives except those with
which she had started. How could she face down her own doubts, shore
up her wavering resolution, if she did not follow the only signposts she
knew? Starfleet protocol and principles, applied as rigorously away
from oversight as she had applied them her entire career. Beyond that
lay darkness and chaos and uncertainty. But Chakotay moved in that
realm with assurance if not always unerring direction, planting his own
trail markers as he went. His guides were natural, inborn or summoned;
he could manipulate the unknown with a blackbird's wing and a stone
from the river.
"Penny for them," said a voice, light with sly humor, about a meter
above her head and to the left. Janeway started and turned. Chakotay
stood looking down at her, hands behind his back as was his habit on
the bridge, but his expression spoke nothing of duty.
"Oh, I didn't see you come up, Commander. Woolgathering." She
looked around into the trees. "I shouldn't let myself sink quite so deep
in thought out in the open--" "Holodeck," he finished for her. "I'm flattered; you did forget it
wasn't real. Sorry to remind you." He looked like he wanted to say
something more, and a tiny shadow gathered under his brows, but he
relaxed again with a smile. "How much more time can you spare?" "Oh, I suppose I really should get back. But we'll do it the long
way. I'd like another canoe ride." "Any way you like, Captain." Chakotay led her back to where they
had left the boat. "Let me steer," she said when they had paddled a quarter of the
distance across the lake. "I think I remember how now." "I can't deny the captain the right to take the conn," Chakotay said
with a mock salute. He faced around so that he sat forward, looking
over his shoulder as she turned the canoe around and pointed it back
along their course. She flung a paddleful of drips across his back as she
switched sides, and he straightened up with an exaggerated expression
of shock. "Are you sure you're certified in this class of vessel?" he said
with a joking grumble. "I can paddle circles around you, Mister," she said, and as good as
her word, the canoe caught the breeze broadside, drifted in a wide arc
and into one of the rafts of floating leaves. "Oh, Lord." Janeway nearly
lost her paddle in the thick stems of the huge water lilies. Chakotay
tried to shove off from one of the lily pads, but it gave under the
pressure and filled with water. She jerked impatiently at her paddle,
held fast in the tangle. "Oh, for--" Chakotay scooted to the middle of the canoe and leaned out to
seize the shaft. They heaved on it together until he gave an exuberant
yank and a stem suddenly broke. The canoe rolled sharply, then
capsized altogether when both of them fell against the side. The warm green water closed over her. She could breathe, because
of the safety interlocks, but all she could see were spiraling stems and
the web of sunlight around the edges of the dark circles overhead.
Janeway's head broke the surface between two pads, and she looked for
Chakotay. Nowhere. The canoe floated nearby, upside down, but he
wasn't clinging to it. Intellectually she knew he wasn't drowning, but
the flutter of panic started anyway. "Chakotay!" Janeway trod water and turned around in every
direction. This was something like the emotion she had felt when he and
Seska had materialized together in Sickbay, where the captain had run
on hearing that her first officer had been wounded in an encounter with
the Kazon. The doctor had immediately pronounced the small, ugly
burn on Chakotay's side not life-threatening, but the commander's face
had been creased in pain as Kes slashed his uniform open and
administered a hypo spray. Janeway hadn't really registered then that
Seska was hovering nearby with a concern similar to her own, clutching
a bag of something she had gathered. Finally the doctor had shooed
them out into the corridor, and she had turned to the turbolift, meeting
the intent hazel eyes of the Maquis woman. Something disturbing,
hungry, had flickered in them, vanishing immediately as Seska moved
past her. Where was he? The edge of the huge pad next to her lifted, and a
wet cropped head bobbed up. "What a nuisance these damn things are,"
said Chakotay, blinking water out of his eyes. "They look pretty on the
lake, but I might just delete them anyway, or make them smaller." He
caught her expression and lifted his brows in surprise. "Captain, I don't
write dangerous programs." "Really," she replied, both relieved and annoyed. They swam to
shore, Chakotay towing the canoe. A dripping trail followed them up
the bank, where Chakotay laughed at her while she took her hair down
and tried to squeeze out some of the water that was running down her
face. He bent over and shook like a dog, sending a fine spray in all
directions from his short hair, black and grey like an animal's pelt. "There, I'm dry," he said, although his clothing was soaked and his
boots squelched amusingly. Janeway tucked her hairpins into her sleeve
and pulled wet handfuls of her hair together into a thick rope, twisting
it. Water splashed down to the bare earth under the shade of dark trees.
This part of the scene was a dense grove that came right down to the
lake. Some of her hairpins fell and she muttered a curse, stooping to
retrieve them. Chakotay knelt and helped her pick them out of the dirt.
He handed her the last one, wiped his hands on his jumpsuit, and stood
up so close to her that she could have reached out and laid her hand on
his chest. "Sometimes I think I should just cut it all off as short as yours. It
would certainly save time shampooing," she said jokingly. Again she
was mildly surprised at Chakotay's unsmiling gaze, and at his gesture
as he stroked a stray lock back from her cheek. "Don't do that, ever," he said. "When your hair is silver, you'll
have a braid that you can wear like a crown." The slow fingers lingered
on her temple. He took a step towards her, and she had to look up to
meet his eyes. Janeway felt a slow, roiling, overturning sensation in her
abdomen, simultaneously thrilling and faintly nauseating. It was like
fear--it was fear. The smile tightened on her face. Chakotay's lips
worked as if he wanted to say something, but all that emerged was the
sound of his shallow exhalations. She saw his chest heave. Janeway could not break the look between them, although she
knew she should. Too much coming to the surface in that gaze.
Something rose from the depths, from deep within him where it had
been drowned, held down, barely visible fathoms under. Deference and
protocol flooded away and left him revealed. Losing all concealment,
what she had half-sensed in stray looks, in throwaway quips and turns
of phrase. He was vulnerable now, exposed, but what he exposed was
fire miraculously unquenched. The electricity that she had glimpsed
before he had subjected himself to her; the quiet crackle of energy and
command. He compelled her, he invited her, he held his hands out
empty to ask her to fill them. His asking, her own inclination; unadmitted longing spilled out
and washed over her, transforming her like a baptism. Her lips relaxed,
her face lost its wry joking look, her vision narrowed to concentrate
only on him. Janeway felt something taking shape within her, coalescing
a vague awareness into a certainty, the process transparent to the
viewer. He searched her face, slowly, but with growing confidence and
warmth, the look a caress without touching, and then he touched her. Chakotay laid his hands on her forearms and slid them slowly,
slowly, up to her elbows. His thumbs nestled in the crooks as he
wrapped his fingers around her upper arms and pulled her gently to
him. Janeway stepped forward of her own volition, not needing the urge
of his hands. His face inclined to hers, stopping when their lips were a
few centimeters apart and his nose nearly touched her cheek. Chakotay
inhaled deeply and his eyes half closed. Through the smell of damp
material, the warm scent of his body crept over her senses as if the sun
was burning through the foliage to dry out their clothing. She shivered,
knowing how cold she had been. His physical reality leaped into
sudden focus, so sharp she could not imagine how she had avoided the
edge so long. A big man, broad-shouldered, substantial, dark.
Everything around her, the trees, the water, the earth; illusion, except
for him. Accompanying her awareness of his body was the reaction of her
own. She arched her back with an inaudible sigh, her breasts pressing
against his ribcage, and let his legs intrude between hers, his hip against
her belly. Janeway wondered to find herself like this, laid against him,
her movements guided almost by instinct. He was pausing, his mouth
just short of brushing hers, but had already opened the gates to her own
flood of response. So strong, her conscious thoughts were overwhelmed
in a rippling tumble, washed away. Janeway tilted her face a fraction
upwards, and Chakotay kissed her. Her abdominal muscles tightened almost painfully, but she did not
pull back. The press of his lips was soft and gentle, not tentative, but
almost worshipful. She let him control it for a moment--indeed, she
could hardly think to do anything else--and then she slid her hands
around his waist and molded her body into his embrace. "Ah--" he said into her mouth, the first word in several minutes.
She silenced him with a forward nudge of her parted lips. So
deliberate--but her own desire raced ahead of her mind, flowing
rapidly down the slope to evade the inevitable pursuit. She had a sense
of hurtling breathlessness and instability as she tried to dodge the full
implications of what she was doing, of what she was admitting to him
by doing this-- Chakotay vibrated with a groan and took an unsteady step as their
tongues met briefly. Pulled back for a moment, returned almost
immediately. The kiss was no longer merely gentle. Janeway felt his
arms tighten around her and his lips open. She pressed her hands into
his back, feeling the muscles shift and tense, tilting her head and
opening her mouth to receive his urgent tongue, meet the tremble and
velvet dampness of the curve of his lower lip. He turned slightly and
something firm pressed into her stomach; the ridge of his hardening
penis. Another warm rush, a sinking feeling into her groin. She
welcomed him with a surge forward into his mouth, and they locked
together in frank carnality. Through the wet coolness of their uniforms:
heat seeking heat, joining their breathing and the pulse of their hearts.
They were both gasping for air every time their lips parted. Chakotay planted his feet, shifted his weight and rested his right
thigh into the firm swell of her pubis. His hands stroked down her back
and cupped her buttocks; lifting her slightly, he pulled her pelvis
against him. Janeway gasped out a tiny sigh at the intimate contact. She
hadn't felt anything like this in months; a man's warm body as a
welcome invader to her sphere of personal privacy. A captain had to
remain so distant, even from her first officer. Her first officer, who was
moving his lips over hers, sliding soft and hot with definite intention,
his eyes shut tight. He had forgotten for the moment everything that
had kept him diffident with his captain. Janeway wavered between cold
memory and tempting amnesia. Chakotay's tongue thrust into her mouth in a slow rhythm as he
rolled her hips in a similar cadence against his thigh. Her legs were
apart, straddling him as she leaned back in the cradle of his hands,
reveling in his strength that moved and supported her. He bent her
backwards, her hands clasped around his neck. The kiss had started
almost innocently, but now he was practically making love to her. If she
felt like this while standing and fully clothed, in privacy guarded only
by holograms, what if--? The thought of him inside her, moving as he was moving now, his
solid weight spreading her legs apart, pressing deep and
withdrawing-- Racing heart, pelvic muscles contracting, her thighs clenching
around his to hold the feeling back, somehow imprison it: in vain. Panic
exploded simultaneously with release. Janeway cried out in ecstatic
terror, wrenching against the restraint of Chakotay's arms, her
shuddering legs giving way, sagging and nearly falling. He held her up,
but she broke away from him and collided with a tree, clutching it to
keep her feet. Good God! Disoriented and gasping, her skin tingling, she
crouched against the trunk in horror, abruptly surfacing from her
dreamlike state. Chakotay bent over her, reaching to help her up, but
when he grasped her arms, he did not raise her. He knelt on the ground,
drawing her down with him, passion heating his face, and pulled her
limp body upright against his. Did he know why she had stumbled?
Her cry must have been unmistakable. Her own face went scarlet with
humiliation as Chakotay lowered his head to kiss her again. This had
gone so far already that stopping it was almost as bad as continuing--
and if it continued, she knew that they would strip and copulate in the
dirt like animals. Or like lovers so swept up in each other that nothing
else mattered, that the entire universe seemed illusory by contrast.
Transcendence beckoned to her, and Chakotay held her close and gave
it flesh. He sensed it; triumph mixed with passion in his expression. Her
body was the least of the gifts he wanted. She was about to forget
everything that made this dangerous, irresponsible, impossible, and
never come up for air again. What else would she drag down to drown
with her? So many lives in her hands-- Chakotay's lips brushed hers,
and she heaved back and shoved against his chest. "Stop." "Wha--what?" "We have to stop. Now. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have let it begin."
Janeway extricated herself from his arms and rolled to her feet, shaking. "Kath--" he began, and twisted it into "Captain--?" Still kneeling
in the dirt. "Chako-tay..." Her voice broke and she put her hands over her
quivering lips. He got up slowly, confusion and disbelief washing over
his features. They faced each other, uniforms wet and muddy, hair soaking and
disarranged, faces flushed and lips swollen with shared kisses. A fresh,
hot dampness slicked her inner thighs, and the plain front of his
jumpsuit clung so closely that she could see far more details of--of the
organ against his belly than she cared to at this moment. Chakotay took
a step towards her, reaching out. She snapped her eyes to his, unable to speak for a moment, shaking
her head fiercely, desperately. Chakotay checked himself in mid-
motion, his hands outstretched to her. The gesture looked like pleading.
She held up her own hands to ward him off, palms out, a trembling
barrier. Finally her meaning seemed to register with him. Chakotay
exhaled hard, gritting his teeth, and helpless anger began to mix with
his confusion. "But--but I thought-- Why? Will you at least tell me why?" "I'm...the...captain. I can't cross that line..." He grimaced and jerked his head, his fists clenching. "Are you
telling me I was wrong?" The pain in his voice nearly doubled her over.
What should she tell him? What was the truth, what was kindness, what
was proper? When she did not speak, he raised his eyes to hers. Chakotay's mind was open to her again on his face. How long had
he worked with her, clashed with her, sat quietly beside her holding
that smoldering emotion unspoken within him? Janeway could barely breathe for a few choking heartbeats,
realizing she had half-knowingly matched him, and responded. Her
repeated casual touches, her professional and personal admiration, her
growing awareness of his physical presence and unselfconscious virility,
her odd feelings at learning that Seska had once been his lover; all
moved into context. The scattered points whirled in darkness and
formed a new constellation, a map of stars in a pattern she had never
seen before, a brief vision of awful joy. It was like her fate inscribed in
all the elements. But she could not take it up, not when so many depended on her
and her authority, her credibility, her fairness. She was needed, and she
had responsibilities that no one else could discharge. If she were to
throw herself open to the universe of possibility, she might not emerge
the woman and the captain she had been...and that was a fearful risk,
and one she was not entitled to take. "I was wrong," Chakotay said, dead flat and quiet. "I'm sorry." "No...no..." Janeway whispered. "It was my fault. I led you to
believe I would..." Her words trailed off as she saw that they made no
impression. He was withdrawing, hunching up as if he had a stomach
wound. What could mend the injury, short of casting down all the
barriers? She tried again. "Chakotay, you were not wrong. You mustn't
think that." "I haven't got much choice." An edge of bitter humor. "Frankly,
having made a mistake is the only thing about this that would make any
sense." Even if she took it all back now, if she stepped into his arms
again, he would turn away in self-defense. She could not mend the
wound at this instant with any remedy. And the blow had been double-
edged. They both stood bleeding, and each could offer nothing to
comfort the other. This was what her training had told her to do, and it
was her duty as captain to take and inflict blows without flinching. If
she had needed to order Chakotay to his death for the good of Voyager,
she would have found the will and know that she had been right to do
so, by every measure she knew. And this was far short of ordering him
to his death. Why then did the sense of wrong seem so much larger than the
measure? Chakotay slowly straightened up; his expression closed down. His
eyes left hers and focused in the distance over her shoulder. "I beg your
pardon, Captain," he said formally. Janeway closed her eyes and took a
deep breath. "And I beg your pardon, Commander," she said with a stiff nod. "I
hope that makes us even." "Yes, ma'am." Janeway made to shake hands, but thought better of it. The gesture
looked noticeably awkward as she made a fist and withdrew it to her
chest. How to break the tension? She tried to laugh. "I'm wet, I need to
change," she said. And then blushed pink at the double implication. Chakotay made an indecipherable grimace that might have been an
attempt at a smile. "Just leave the holodeck, Captain. All that will
disappear when you step outside the door." Yes, of course, the mud and water were only holographic matter.
But not all the effects of this program would dissipate so easily... "Computer, show door," Janeway said. It appeared ten meters off
and she almost ran towards it. "I'll be in my quarters, Commander." "Yes, Captain," he replied neutrally. The sunlight in the corridor
vanished when the portal slid shut behind her. Only then did she realize that what she had said could have been
construed as an invitation. Damn, her tongue was playing tricks on her.
No, he hadn't taken it that way--but then neither had she at first. Well,
she could hardly go back and set him straight. Janeway squared her
shoulders and stepped into the nearest turbolift. She was dry now--at
least, her uniform and her hair were--but the pins were all out and she
felt rather wild with the long waves tumbling around her face. In her quarters, Janeway slumped at her desk and stared at piles of
PADDs. She doubted that any more of them would be read tonight. The
door chime chirped, and her groin and stomach twinged as she half-
turned to the sound. If it was him--
"CAPTAIN? I have some more reports that require your attention."
Tuvok rang the door chime for the second time and waited for a
response. "Come--in," he heard, very faintly. The captain's tone suggested
illness, and Tuvok stepped inside when the door slid open, expecting to
find that her spicy dinner had disagreed with her more emphatically
than he had realized. She sat at her desk, her hair down and tangled,
her face pale, but with a flush on the cheekbones. Her eyes met his, and
he saw them briefly flutter shut. She took a deep breath that she let out
with an audible sigh, and glanced away again. A greater contrast from
her businesslike jocularity of an hour earlier he could not imagine. He put the three PADDs that he carried by her elbow. Janeway
nodded distractedly, looked up at him again, and lowered her chin to
her hand. The signs of disturbance were so salient that Tuvok paused
and examined her more closely. Physical illness did not seem to be the
cause of her emotional state. She would have gone to Sickbay for
treatment in that case. Surely none of the reports, though they spoke of
scarcity and potential troubles of all kinds, could have affected Janeway
in this unusual manner. She was Human and emotional, but generally
dealt with her emotions in a frank, open, admirably logical way. The
dishevelment of her hair was puzzling. He nearly asked her what the
matter was, then caught a scent in the air, hers, but strong with
pheromones. It was similar to her scent during battle--no, it had a
different note. Warm, spicy, sexual in a way more powerful than he had
ever noted in her presence. The logical cause? Tuvok decided not to
inquire further. A Human must experience the absence of loved ones
even more acutely than did a Vulcan, and how his captain chose to deal
with that absence was certainly a private matter. He cocked an eyebrow,
bowed slightly, and dismissed himself.
CHAKOTAY STOOD where his captain had left him, staring at the spot
where the door, and she, had faded away.
Every moment he had spent on the actual planet, he had imagined
her walking there with him. Every moment he had spent preparing the
recordings and the program, he had imagined her enjoying it with him. And she had; he knew that. Rather more than he had anticipated,
in point of fact. He knew that she appreciated natural beauty and that
she needed an opportunity to relax; that was really all he had had in
mind when summoning her to the holodeck. But her joy had made her so beautiful that he had spent the entire
time with a burning lightness in his chest, a new sun coalescing out of
the heavy cloud of sadness, longing, hopelessness he had carried
around with him for weeks. What had he felt for her before now? Awe,
anger, respect when she had magically called him by name, claimed a
trusted comrade as her tool, taken himself and all his people for her
own. He had made himself into her officer in the interest of all, but his
own interest had quickly taken a turn that amused him, even helped
him in dedication to the transition. Indulging himself with a little
harmless flirtation brought a bright snap to her eyes to ease her greater
worries, and comebacks both slightly awkward and wittily reproving.
Frankly, it had been fun, and fascinating, to duel with her on every
level, to move a little deeper into the workings of her mind. She had a
exquisite sensibility just below the brisk bright surface. And then, with
the slow growth of fellowship, the knowledge that she valued his
esteem, that his advice was trusted, if not always followed, some critical
mass had been reached. From the first, she had commanded him by right. He hadn't liked
that, much. But he had known it in his heart, and wondered at himself
that he had offered her so little resistance. Oh, he had his own way of
doing things, of dealing with problems out of her sight, but a first
officer was supposed to know what deserved the captain's personal
attention and what did not. Lieutenant's broken noses or a few liters of
milk stolen for soup were well within his purview. He was her
guardian, her filter, her right arm. Not her lover. No. He felt her in his arms again, fragrant; soft skin
over tense frame, her mouth-- She had told him to stop and pushed
him away. There was his answer. Chakotay ground his teeth, so hard that
tears started in his eyes, and he flung his head up and let his lids close.
A few long breaths helped him compose himself, and then he sagged
and dropped his head low. He might even have been a little relieved,
stopped on the verge of overcommitting himself. Another critical
decision taken out of his hands. Chakotay thought the dark dust would rise in his soul again, but
the sun still burned there. Once kindled, its term of life as long as his. "Computer, show door," he said, and went to his own lonely quarters.
CHAPTER THREE
JANEWAY COULD NOT SLEEP, and stayed up, pacing her quarters still
dressed until shortly before she was supposed to rise. At home on
Earth, she might have gone for a walk in circumstances like these. Put
on a coat, snapped the leash to Bear's collar and headed down the hill to
the bay, taking the long way around to pass through the park and let the
dog run free. Dim along the path, the occasional lights glowing in the
mist, leaves blowing and scudding along the pavement, Bear barking
out in front. The dog would run in big loops, forward and back,
scouting out ahead of her, returning to urge her on as she walked
slowly, wanting the time to pass. The constellations would move over
her head, familiar to her from many vantage points. The Dipper that
pointed the way to the Pole, the Hunter with his belt and sword,
Cassiopeia enthroned.
Janeway leaned on the sill of the viewport and studied the
uncharted stars. How often had she taken a walk like that? A fight with
Mark? Rare, and they had never kept her up all night. Trouble with
Headquarters? Also rare, and starship captains could remain somewhat
aloof from Starfleet politics, privileged to keep some distance. When
someone had died, perhaps, and she had needed to remember
everything possible, run over a life in her mind under the stars. After
Tuvok had twice failed to report from his undercover mission. She had
made the call to Vulcan herself, admiring the composed beauty of his
wife's features, detecting the echo of her own concern, very faintly. She
trusted me with her husband's life, Janeway thought, but she...missed him. Faint movements from next door. It made sense to have the captain
and first officer in adjacent quarters in the ordinary run of business.
They might need to have a conference, or a private meal, or just
maintain a good rapport for efficiency's sake. There was even a
communicating door between the sitting areas, though Janeway had
seldom used it even when Cavit had occupied the quarters that
Chakotay used now. He hadn't been the casually socializing type, and
had liked his privacy off duty. She had put a bookshelf against the door
some time ago. How many hours would have to pass before she could face her first
officer again? Would she run into him at breakfast or another meal
before she had decided what to say? Normal conversation. Pretend it
never happened. Dismiss it. How? "You're a Starfleet captain. You know how to deal with personnel
problems," she said aloud. This wasn't a personnel problem. Janeway
could still feel his arms around her, feel the heat of certainty climbing
through every nerve and vein as Chakotay kissed her, and she kissed
him back. The wave of raw emotion nearly sickened her, and she sat
down, dizzy. The manual would call for a transfer as soon as possible.
Impossible. Ignore the damn manual, she told herself. What's your
solution, Captain? Go for a walk, and figure it out. She sprang up again, and
paced her quarters. He was furious with her, and from his point of view, he had the
right to be. For a few minutes, they had been telling each other the
absolute truth, and had both given in to it, mind, spirit, and body. The
ecstasy of discovery, like a new law of the cosmos revealed. And then
she had told him that they could not use that knowledge. It was as if a
way home had lain open before them, and she had deliberately closed it.
Of course he was angry. He wasn't the kind who put the letter of the
law above his convictions or affections, and there wasn't even a
regulation against fraternization between officers--just her own
conviction that this would be too dangerous, too upsetting to their
balance. Captain and first officer, who should be a check on each other,
neither too distant nor too close. She stopped her pacing and held the jamb of her bedroom door,
leaning against it for support, closing her eyes. Dizzy again, she let
Chakotay's hands move over her once more in memory. A memory
only, of how she had responded to nothing more than a look, and a
gentle grasp. And he had kissed her, so softly, the way he spoke, just to tell her
something. Not to overwhelm her, or impress her, or even to seduce
her, but to seal a pledge the look in his eyes had already made. She had
known its meaning, and accepted it the way it was meant, because she
had meant the same. Dear God... Janeway was trembling, her head shaking in slow denial, but her
mind leaped ahead, relentless in pursuit of the truth. Wasn't this a
physical attraction? They had been charged from the spill and the swim,
laughing, and then this had been almost an accident-- No. She was still,
and lectured herself. She couldn't call it only lust, or even say it had
started that way. Chakotay was a handsome man, but he stayed
camouflaged in a quiet mask of thought, mature and grave, a silver-
backed veteran. He had startled her the first time he really smiled.
Intelligent, humorous, unpredictable, subversive, feral. It wasn't lust
that let a woman who knew the difference nearly make love with a man
she couldn't have. If that was all it had been, paradoxically, they'd have
called a halt before it had ever happened. They'd both had some
experience, after all; they weren't adolescents. She was a Starfleet
captain, and he had the same training, no matter how worn down by
Maquis laxness. And he was private and concealed, like Tuvok in a
way, though he could let all his feelings out and be vulnerable. She remembered his stricken face just before Seska had
disappeared. I can't imagine how I ever loved you, the Cardassian had said,
and Janeway knew that was the worst possible thing one could say to a
man like him. Even if she had only seduced him for his secrets, and he
must have been thinking along those lines by then, Seska had cut his
heart out in front of her. He had never recovered, no matter what he
thought of Seska now, and he would revisit that wound over and over;
it might never heal. Perhaps she was dead--who was so dead as one
who denied the pull of another life? Janeway opened her eyes with a silent gasp, the tears welling up,
but she did not let them fall. What right did she have to pity him, who
had just slashed him open again in a way far worse? Seska and he had
parted long before and the emotions on either side were uncertain. But
before Janeway had told him to stop, he had known they were in perfect
synchrony, that the ripples that had refracted between them for months
were about to combine and amplify into a single great wave. He had
laid his dreams under her feet, and thought she had gathered them up
in her arms. This was probably the first time he had reached out to
anyone since Seska had left. Chakotay, however unpredictable he might
be, was guarded enough to keep his thoughts veiled and his hands to
himself, unless something greater than his instincts and training
prompted him. He had taken a risk because he had known he was right,
and he was angry that she could see the same thing as wrong, especially
after she had proven to him that it was mutual. How could she show
him why she thought the way she did? Would he ever understand? The
tightness in her chest, the burning of her eyes, the awful roiling of her
guts--she felt so sick she wanted to pass out, end the pain, if only for a
little while. Janeway squeezed her fingers on the door jamb so tightly
they hurt, and focused on the sensation to pull the ache out of her core,
look at it from the outside. It was like lead wrapped around her heart,
molten and crushing. Tuvok had taught her, by example and
instruction, how to take an emotion and disassociate it from herself,
remove at least some of its influence in order to function normally in
crisis. Not a permanent solution, but a necessary one. Slowly she let
herself relax, and slowly her breathing evened out, and she released her
grip and turned away into the sitting area. Hands on the back of her
lounge, she bowed her head for a moment, then raised it to look out the
viewport, her eyes stinging, but her vision unblurred again. She could not deny the truth, and she had to use that realization to
deflect it from its goal. A scientist needed to see clearly and not
substitute wishful thinking for honest analysis. Her jaw clenched. She
couldn't fall in love with an officer under her command, have a sexual
relationship with him, and expect that all would be smooth sailing.
Especially not in Voyager's unique situation. This crew functioned in a
delicate balance, and would even if it were one hundred percent
Starfleet. The isolation, the relative privation, the constant danger put a
terrible strain on the best officers she had. Janeway stood upright and
put her hands on her hips. Chakotay held the key to the potentially
most disruptive part of her crew. Any perceived tilt or bias could take
the whole ship down. The arrangement had been working as it stood.
She couldn't change it without risk, and the only justification for risk
was the welfare of her ship and crew. Not her personal wishes, not her
deepest longing for a vision of transcendence. She closed her eyes
briefly, seeing too much behind the lids. If there was any way to return
to stability without living a lie, she had to find it. No one knew about
this but themselves, and no one would ever know. She trusted herself to
find a solution, and she trusted Chakotay to know his duty, even in the
face of his anger. Or his love. She paced her quarters.
...THE WIND ALWAYS ROSE in this place just before dawn. The first
light was showing on the edge of the sky when she came and rubbed
her head against his side for him to scratch her ears. Her thick rough fur
bristled up on her neck as he did so, and she growled in mock
aggression and took his hand playfully between her teeth. He allowed
her to tug at it, avoiding any sudden moves, for her fangs were sharp,
and she was not a pet. Her real anger he did not want to know. She
released his hand and sniffed at him, and he knew she could smell
another's scent lingering on his skin.
"Elder sister, it is good to see you." The sun rose, and they sat
together, her presence calming him. Her yellow eyes told him her
thoughts. When he finally began to speak, she already knew what he
was going to say, but listened, patient as the rocks on which they sat. He had been skirting around the edges of realization too long. To
pour all of his emotions out left him drained, but lighter of soul, if not
happy. He was not accustomed to deceiving others, and he could not
tell the truth if he did not admit it to himself. Truth was dangerous, but
comfortable lies even more so. He tore open his spirit like earth, digging
for the source of the eruption: a spring of water, heated by unseen fires,
that had finally burst out on the surface. Of course he had known, had
dismissed the attraction as both inevitable and impossible, had
pretended not to notice his own folly in encouraging himself in it, had
not wanted to part fire and water and cut off the soul-nourishing
warmth. Sunken deeper and deeper into self-indulgence, happily
drowning himself. Gods, the price he would pay for that-- His anger
was not only at rejection, but at himself for ever having laid himself
open to it. Hadn't he been fool enough for one year yet? She nudged his side, and he straightened up to look at the sun. "I
know," he replied to his guide's unspoken words. "I was not a fool to
want to be with her." He could weave an image of her, slender, upright, the sun an
aureole on her hair. The strength of her curving bones, the blue-depth of
her eyes reflecting the sky. He gained a shred of comfort at the same
time he rocked back and forth in sudden misery, covering his face to
shield himself from the light. When he looked up again, she would still
be there. She would never disappear, and her warmth would shine on
him every day, from far away. But he could not touch her warmth, or
offer her any of his own, or accompany her below her horizon. Every
night would be dark and cold and spent alone. "Elder sister, tell your brother what he can do. Tell him what his
path must be, if the way he was meant to take is closed. Where can a
traveler find rest if every dwelling is shut against him?" She yawned toothily and stretched, then paced around him,
circling him four times in blessing. The risen sun warmed him. On the
ground, she scratched a moment with her paw, then looked up at the
sky and the sun, and at him again. She touched him with her nose, and
trotted off. On the ground, she had made two rough circles, one overlapping
the other, with a line indicating movement. He studied the figure a long
time, memorizing it, then drew a finger across it to break the circles
open...
THE IMAGE FADED gradually and he was in his quarters again,
sitting on the floor.
Chakotay rose and gathered the components of his medicine
bundle; the river stone, the blackbird's wing, the akoonah that aided the
concentration; bound them up again in the skin wrapping and replaced
it in its hiding place. He removed a smaller drawstring pouch from the
same cabinet and said a prayer before opening it and taking out its
contents to lay on the floor before him. A dried mushroom. A knotted scrap of multiaxial cable that he had
found in Engineering. Two long hairs, wound up in a circle and tied.
Again he was building his medicine, slowly, to replace what he had lost
in the destruction of his ship, and these items had each offered
themselves when they had been necessary. He smiled at the chestnut
hairs, and remembered how they had shone on the sleeve of his uniform
at the end of a bridge shift. Of course he had known whose they were,
but how he had been blind to their meaning he could not imagine. The smile faded, and he held the little circlet on his thumb. Now
that he knew its meaning, its power was uncomfortably strong. Strong
medicine could accomplish much, but it could destroy as well, and
required discipline on the part of the user. He already denied himself
animal flesh as food, a practice that had strengthened him for years, but
with such a talisman in his possession, something more was required.
He had been too lax with himself where his physical hungers had been
concerned, even though his body had been fasting for months. The
hunger was still there, and he had only starved himself to the point of
famine, when he should have given up the need for sustenance in the
first place. He hadn't missed meat at all, and he shouldn't miss anything
else he could not have. He thought about the sign that his guide had
given him, put all the items back in the pouch, and went to get his
newest stone. It had come from the real waterfall, just at the base where the
stream ran smooth again after the tumble of the terraces. He had
wrapped it up carefully once he had discovered which one to take, had
thanked the river, and tucked the stone into his uniform. The security
guards had watched quietly, not disrupting the process although they
had not understood what he was doing. One thing about Starfleet and
its code of noninterference; it fostered respect even for the inexplicable.
He would have been glad to explain if they had asked, but they had not. The stone was dark and smooth, slightly oval like a bird's egg, and
flat on one side. A fine-grained basalt, said one part of his mind. The
last remnant of a volcanic flow that had cooled a hundred million years
ago. He weighed it on his palm, the curved side down, fitting perfectly
into the hollow of his hand. This was a very good stone. He had had the
feeling that it would be. Chakotay picked up his engraving tool and sat
at the table to work. An area of dust formed slowly around him on the
surface as he scratched and blew, scratched and blew. Two circles, one
overlapping the other, with a line that indicated movement. One around
the other; the fixed center, the orbit of the satellite, bound to its path. Or
a comet, disturbed in its wanderings, drawn in to the mass of a sun,
melting in fiery glory for brief months, then speeding away into the
outer darkness, never to return. He finished the symbol, spat on the
stone and rubbed it to remove all the dust, cupped it in his hand again.
Yes, it belonged in the pouch. Chakotay took all the items out again and
laid them in a square, four directions marked. The scrap of cable, the
mushroom, the circlet of hair. The stone completed the arrangement,
and he stared at it for a long time. He hoped he would dream tonight,
as he needed guidance. The sheets were cool against his skin as he slid between them, his
own body the only warmth that touched them. A thought intruded and
hung before him, of another body, a tense softness, a warmth through
wet clothing. Carefully he isolated the image, froze it, removed it from
his mind as much as he was able. But he still imagined a slim woman
curled with him, her long hair loose over her shoulders. Not her. He
could not let himself think of her. The truth was overwhelming--
Someone else. Wide hazel eyes, not blue, a toothy smile. Seska. It took him a long time to go to sleep, and his dreams were dark to him.
TWO HOURS to breakfast, and no sleep. Janeway opened her door
and turned right instead of left to avoid passing Chakotay's quarters.
She would take another lift to Deck Six and run a holoprogram...no, she
did not want a holoprogram. But at least she could take a walk while
she knew she would not encounter him. If only she had a dog to unleash
and let run with her. The long curving corridors led her in circles to
every part of her ship.
The night shift in Engineering was not too surprised to see her, and
Carey asked her to look at the power efficiency readouts from the
nacelles and warp core. Gradually declining, the change noticeable even
from last week. She nodded and moved on. The dining hall, deserted,
and the cargo bays, Kes's garden with fruiting plants and vines.
Sickbay, quiet and humming, the doctor resting as a collection of bits in
memory crystals. Did he note the passage of time and wait for someone
to speak the words to bring him into the world of light again? He might
be happiest when alone with himself and the library banks, unconscious
and incorporeal. An advantage to be able to turn oneself off completely
and be impervious to all stimuli. The bridge, Rollins dozing slightly on watch, shaking himself
apologetically, sitting down again at her gesture. She went to her ready
room and picked up a photograph of a man and a dog from a table,
studied it for a while, and put it back. The distance behind her grew too
long. And in front of her? An even longer void. Could she cross it
alone? The void grew in her, the emptiness solid and black, drawing her
entirely into itself, a singularity with no escape. But she must resist the
pull of loneliness, of proximity, of inclination. Could she hover between
the two, giving way to neither despair nor an illusion of joy? Would the
tidal forces shatter her? To serve her crew, she must maintain the
balance. Where her ship was concerned, she could never be empty or
powerless. Janeway put her fingertips to the bulkhead next to the
viewport, then laid her palm flat against it and closed her eyes. All the
lives with which she was entrusted, cradled in the thin white shell of
graceful metal. The captain of the Voyager smiled, and returned to her
quarters to start her day.
CHAPTER FOUR
"THIS IS THE LAST thing I wanted to find on my desk this morning, Dalby.
The...very...last...thing."
Kenneth Dalby looked at the PADD under his nose, and then up at
Chakotay's thunderous face. His former captain's eyes were slightly
bloodshot, dark-circled, and his whole posture more openly threatening
than Dalby had seen in a long time, but his voice was soft, quiet and
dead even. Dalby pulled himself the rest of the way out of the cargo
compartment in which he was crouching and stood up, straightening
his uniform and surreptitiously nudging the compartment hatch closed
with the heel of his right boot. "Uhh...what is it, Commander?" |