Hi everyone, this chapter is a week late because Murphy likes to cluster bomb me and that's all I'm allowed to say about it (damn confidentiality agreement…).

The Shinobi's Guide to Politricks
By Kaori

Election fever was in the air. Shinobi lined up at the various polling stations to cast their vote for who would be Genin of the Year. Villagers made a festival out of the occasion and were selling snacks and a few had even set up game booths. In a side room at each station, Tsunade's Profiteers were taking last-minute bets as to who was going to win this election. Villagers were saying Sasuke, but the bets among the ninja population varied by the hour although nobody disputed that Kiba is the underdog (pun intended) in this race.

Far from sitting quietly at home and waiting for the results to come in, each candidate had gotten the same reprehensible idea: sneak into the polling stations and stuff the ballot boxes.

As this is a village of ninjas, most of you would say that this is a mission impossible. However, those of us who live in democratic countries know that during an election year you will find there are people willing to ignore the spirit of democracy in order to ensure what they feel is a more acceptable political climate. This is how Sasuke was able to access the ballot box on its way to its designated polling station and stuff it full of votes, how Neji managed to bribe a fangirl with a lock of his hair for access to the ballot box she was supposed to be guarding and stuff it full of votes in his favor, and how Kiba (with the help of the Canine Coalition led by Akamaru who is off the Puppy Craig diet) muscled his way into the room where they store the ballot boxes until the votes were counted and stuffed them full of votes for himself.

Unfortunately for our three hopefuls, Tsunade and her profiteers aren't stupid and knew they'd each try to rig the election, so when it came time to count the votes, the Godaime abruptly had all the ballots burned and asked everyone who voted (which basically meant everyone whose right thumb was now dyed purple) to line up outside the Hokage Tower. Each voter was given a black bead and asked to place it one of the three opaque jars. Each jar had the name of a candidate on it and the area the jars were being kept in was guarded by eight ANBU (four outside and four inside) who were exempt from the electoral process and were not allowed to make any bets during the entire event (as compensation they were also exempt from guarding the Hokage Tower for the rest of the year).

"Dammit…" cursed Kiba as he and the other three candidates were forced to wait in the Tower in the middle of the Forest of Death of all places. "If I had known I'd have to be cooped up with you bastards all day I'd never have run."

"You're not exactly my idea of good company either." Glared Sasuke. Neji was silently plotting to kill both of them and win the election by default. Fortunately for Sasuke and Kiba, Tsunade had seen fit to assign Kakashi, Naruto, and Anko as their guards.

"Quit whining or we'll throw you in the forest!" Anko yelled from the other side of the door.

"Can't you at least bring us a TV?" whined Kiba.

"You'll get nothing and like it!"

"Now Anko-san, we did promise the Hokage we'd at least let them eat." Chided Kakashi.

"What Tsunade-sama doesn't know won't hurt her."

"Watch it; a casual observer might mistake that for treason."

"Feh, from what I hear the Hyuuga could stand to loose a few pounds." Snorted Anko. "I suppose we could feed the other two." There was an indignant squawk from inside the room. "Well, we could if Naruto hadn't eaten their food."

"You told me that was lunch!" protested Naruto.

"Yes but I didn't say whose did I? Ah well, I guess you'll have to go back to the village and get some more."

"WHAT!"

"Well, you did eat it so it's only fair that you go get it."

"Why the hell would I do that when you're the one who said it was okay in the first place? You're almost as bad as Ero-sennin! Besides I didn't eat it all! There's a sandwich left over."

Inside, the "prisoners" had been listening to the argument…and their stomachs growling. At the news that there was only one sandwich left they glared at each other. Suddenly the door opened and Kakashi stuck his head in.

"Well I'm assuming you heard all that seeing as how Anko and Naruto are so loud…"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING LOUD!" two fists walloped him.

"Ouch! That hurt you guys… Anyway, here's the sandwich." He threw it into the room and it landed neatly on the coffee table. "Bon apetit." And he shut the door. Then he turned to his two cohorts. "Want to go watch them fight over the security monitor?" Both Anko and Naruto sported evil grins.

"I'll get the sandwiches!" chirped Anko. (1)

Back in the village, the last person in the line stepped out of the booth at six forty-seven p.m. A gong was rung for dramatic effect.

"The Genin of the Year election is officially closed!" Shiqune announced. "The results will be announced at ten o' clock tonight. Still excited, the crowd dispersed to go drink and party. When the official results were announced, they'd drink and party some more and no one would go to work tomorrow because that's when the parade is and they have to rest up for all the drinking and partying they'll do during that (2).

Meanwhile…

SOCK!

"THAT SANDWICH IS MINE!" (Sasuke)

"IN YOUR DREAMS, UCHIHA!" (Kiba)

THUMP! SMACK!

"VICTORY IS MINE!" (Neji)

"LIKE HELL IT IS!"

"AWK! LET GO OF MY HAIR!"

"LET GO OF THE SANDWICH!"

"NEVER!"

"KATON: GOKAKYU NO JUTSU!" (SASUKE)

FWOOSH!

"AAAAAAAGGHHHHHH!" (Neji and Kiba)

"Whoops…"

"YOU BASTARD! YOU BURNT IT!" (Kiba)

"I'LL KILL YOU!" (Neji)

"Feh, you two couldn't fight your way out of a wet paper bag." (Sasuke)

"OH YEAH? TSUUGA!" (Kiba)

"GAAAAAAAH!" (Sasuke and Neji)

"SUCK ON THAT YA BASTARDS!"

"Damn, this is too funny…" Anko snickered. She, Kakashi, and Naruto had been watching the three genin fight over the sandwich for two hours. "What time is it anyway?"

"Err…seven fifteen." Said Kakashi. "Ooh, that was a low blow…"

"We'll let 'em fight for another fifteen minutes before we give them the rest of the sandwiches."

Ten o' clock finally rolled around and everyone gathered in front of the Hokage Tower to hear the results. Neji, Kiba, and Sasuke stood behind the Hokage on the balcony overlooking the square clothes ripped up and bodies covered in bruises.

"I will now read the results of the votes!" Tsunade announced gleefully. "Inuzuka Kiba…178 votes. Uchiha Sasuke…183 votes. Hyuuga Neji…172 votes. Congratulations Uchiha Sasuke, you are the Genin of the Year!"

A loud cheer went up in the crowd and people immediately commenced partying. Sasuke smirked at Kiba and Neji. "I told you I would win."

"I demand a recount!" glared Kiba.

"Accept your defeat with dignity Kiba." Neji said as Tsunade led Sasuke off to claim his reward. Naruto popped up behind them and draped an arm around Kiba's shoulders.

"Yeah, after all, you really don't want to be Sasuke right now." Both former candidates looked at Naruto in confusion.

"What do you mean?"

"Well…"

In the Hokage's office, Sasuke was feeling incredibly pleased with himself. He had proven that once again, the Uchiha clan is superior to all and he had scored a (small) victory over his hated older brother, as Itachi had never attained the title of Genin of the Year.

"Sasuke," the Hokage interrupted his internal victory party. "as Genin of the Year you are exempt from all D-Rank missions for a week. This is so you can attend to an important solo B-Rank mission."

"Ha! Take that Hyuuga, Inuzuka." Sasuke thought as the Hokage took out a file. She handed it to him and he opened it, and instantly recoiled at the 8 x 10 glossy adorning the first page of the mission profile.

It was either an effeminate boy, an ugly girl, or a human-sized rat wearing the regalia of a noble house. Piggish eyes squinted at the camera and the mouth sported two buck teeth. Stringy, light brown hair was done up in an unattractive bun.

"That," the Hokage explained. "is the Daimyo's niece, Tessara. Your mission is to be her escort while she visits him next week. You are to never leave her side until the week is over."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Ah politics, sometimes even when you win, you lose.

Thank you all for reading this series of doubtfully humorous stories. I will no longer be writing The Shinobi's Guide to… series. However, if you feel you are up to the task you are more than welcome to continue on. I only ask that you give me my props.

I'd also like to especially thank Clark Cradic, ravemastaj, Twilight Goddess Sage, The Violent Tomboy, kittydemon18, Kitsune Kit, Garret pi, and everyone else who stuck with me down the Rabbit Hole of Depravity from the very beginning. You guys rock!

1) In case you were wondering, that whole scene was a setup to alleviate the boredom of the guards. It also serves no other purpose than to distract the reader from the fact that I'm stalling…Dammit I just gave myself away, didn't I?

2) I don't know if this is true for other parts of the Caribbean but most people in my country only go to work for half the day during an election and then decide to take the following day off to sleep off the booze and go party later that day.