I'd like to thank everyone for all the wonderful reviews I've gotten, I don't think I deserve all the kindness I've been given, and the flame was quite funny and good, -0xxo-YAOI-oxx0-, thank you! I sincerely hope I haven't offended anyone, but if I have, eh, can't say I wasn't expecting it. Then again, the last one will make this one look as pure as Sunday School . . . (no irony intended.) Even if it's hard to believe, I don't mean to offend anyone homosexual or who enjoys homosexual pairings. Hell, I'm a yaoi fangirl and proud of it! That's not the point!
This chapter isn't as intellectual as the last, but I hope it's somehow entertaining. Whereas the first chapter was stupid-funny/intellectual and could be taken seriously, this one's just stupid-funny. Sorry.
I do not own the rights to Kingdom Hearts, Heinz Ketchup, Albert Einstein, Jane Eyre, or Equiuus.
Enjoy
The Kumquatous Discovery Happy-Joy Lecture Series Presents:
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The Astronomical and Social Inveigles of Obscurities Within the Infamous Video-Game Industry
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Lecturer Akuroku presiding over the 58th course in this lecture series:
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The Video Game Gay-o-Meter
Is there a definite correlation between Spikiness of Hair and Homosexuality?
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Lecturer Faine Gierell Akuroku grew up in the middle of deep space, among a peace-loving, all-accepting wiser alien race, all in favor of helping the species of the multiverse sort out their problems. She was sent down to planet earth in order to end all wars, global hunger, and solve many of life's mysteries, such as why, when you tap the picture of the pickle on the Heinz-ketchup bottle, the condiment inside comes out fluidly, even if attempts in other places, with machete, power drill or band-saw could not get the ketchup to move. She may have even explained why there is a picture of a pickle on the Heinz ketchup bottle, and then sought out the smaller problems of life, such as string-theory.
However, her ship crashed. Rather than landing delicately in the lobby of the united nations, it came spiraling down into the middle of an Anime Con. Covered in soot, her black jumpsuit torn and dirtied, her third eye and gravity-defying hair clearly visible, she was not deemed out of place by the humans there. In fact, her bizarre look was simply unremarkable and deemed 'boring,' because no one could figure out what anime she was supposed to be from. In awe of these humans, who seemed serenely unaware of her diplomatic intentions, she took a vow that instead of pursuing her dreams of peace, prosperity, and savior of the human race, she would take up a higher form of life - that of an otaku. She would spend her days happily worshipping the deities of Rumiko Takahashi and Hiromu Arakawa and performing The Holy Glomp, once every five hours, in quest of the nirvana known as 'chibi.'
Critically acclaimed for her wonderful work in the field of male character homosexuality, she was the first to propose that the key blade was merely a giant gay-dar, and greatly applauded for her eighteen page-long Squee. She has worked with the KDHJLSP on projects ranging from "Maui Wowie - Yaoi: Hawaiian Drugs, Shonen Ai and Rhyming slang gone horribly, horribly awry!" to "The Heart of The Pain: Mapping the Angst system in the human body, noting it's interactions with the circulatory and lymph systems, and performing an open-emo surgery for live audiences!".
Lecturer Akuroku: Hello, hello, I am so very glad to be back here at KHJLS, my it's been years, I see the old place is completely redecorated . . . Though I can't say the neon pink walls go completely with the red paint splotches. Oh, is this - is this blood? . . . Oh. Well then. Shall we begin?
Konichiwa, I am Lecturer Akuroku, here all the way from Japan!
Audience: Applauds
Lecturer Akuroku: But of course you all know that from the pamphlet. stamps papers on desk In the field of male homosexuality, nothing is certain. Much of our studies on shonen ai have been long hampered by an age old and seemingly impossible to answer question: just when is a character gay? For a long time great Yaoi studying organizations such as Friends And New Gamers Indeed Really Love Slash - FANGIRLS for short - had pondered this conundrum to no avail.
However, in a series of recent tests - which of course will appear later in the lecture - a fantastic breakthrough has been made. Through teams of expert men and women - okay, mostly women - okay, mostly adolescent girls - a foolproof test has been developed to determine the sexuality of a anime, book, or game male character. This very test I hold now in my hands and you shall soon see before you with your very own eyes. If you would pass these out please - yes thank you. Hands out a stack of papers. If you would all kindly take a look at this, it should be very informative.
Sheet Of Paper:
THE CORRELLATION BETWEEN SPIKINESS OF HAIR AND HOMOSEXUALITY
No Spikes: You are boringly heterosexual
Spikes the length of Nose: Some inherent homosexuality
Spikes the length of Finger: Gay.
Spikes the length of Head: You are flamboyantly homosexual.
Spikes bigger than Head: You are Yugioh.
Lecturer Akuroku: As you see, the test is a ratio, between the height of a spike of hair and the length of a certain body part - thus H1(height of longest spike):(Nose1) + (Finger1) + (Head 1) - x. X N1 and/or F1 and/or He1. In general terms, this means that it is not the length of the spiky hair its self that determines homosexuality, it is the spikiness of hair relative to other parts of the body. Because this test is not yet completely accepted by the scientific community, we are forced to merely call it a theory. Therefore, we will refer to the concept of the test as the General Theory of Relativity.
This simply means that if a character has vertical hair spikes no longer than any other but a head the size of a light bulb he would be indeed more prone to yaoi-filled situations. However, if a character has a cranium the size of Texas, he will be more likely to be strait.
This is not to be confused with the General Theory of Relatives, which states, if two relatives of yours are in a train going a hundred miles an hour, and walking to the front of the train at five miles and hour, you, watching them on the platform, will see them walking at 105 miles an hour, as they will see you passing on the station at 95 miles an hour.
In the likely event that the train will crash, because, well, it's going 100 miles an hour, it's bound to derail some time, you will be sorrowful about one of these relatives deaths, but secretly uncaring about the other, because she was 95 years old, had a poor bladder, spoke with a horrible Boston accent, dyed her hair blond, wore excessive makeup, loved nothing more than to gossip about other members of the family and gave you nothing more satisfactory for Christmas than a pair of too-large socks.
Of course, this theory was disproved and reworked by Albert Einstein, who, it appeared, loved all of his relatives and never once got a pair of socks for Christmas.
The Hair-Spike correlation with homosexuality was first proposed by OMGSHONANAIROX999, who accredited her success to the fact that she'd finally gotten a good review for her Romeo and Juliet based hate/love cutter Donald Duck/Leon fic. Quoth she, "I was feeling pretty confident, and well, I found a board where the debate was going on, and it just . . . Hit me. Of course, I was also reading some fic about Cloud's spiky hair, and the two just, like, clicked in my brain. It was like . . . Devine inspiration. I wonder who my muse is, I hope it's Roxas, he is soooooo hot." Unquoth.
OMG's theory was new and unusual, and gained popularity almost immediately. But it was not proven until less than a week ago, with a set of experiments, the videos of which we have here in the lecture hall! Let me just turn the projector on . .
Projecter: Wrrrrrrrrrrr
(Two generic male anime characters are sitting in a icy white room. Both have hair pressed flat to their heads.)
First Generic Male Anime Character: (Continuing some long speech) . . . So then the cantaloupe says 'THAT'S THE JOKE!"
Second Generic Male Anime Character: AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
First Generic Male Anime Character: Ahahahaha!
Second Generic Male Anime Character: . . . I don't get it.
First Generic Male Anime Character: You're so insensitive, that was a good joke!
Akuroku: Pauses Projector There we have it. Two completely ordinary generic male anime characters telling bad jokes about fruit. Nothing Yaoi-tastic about that at all! Now, if the same two generic male anime characters have hair spiked as long as their heads . . . Turns Projector On
(Same two men, same room, now both have outrageously spiky hair.)
First Generic Male Anime Character: . . . So than the cantaloupe says "THAT'S THE JOKE!"
Second Generic Male Anime Character: Kiss me you devilishly handsome fiend!
Akuroku: Pauses Projector The results are clear. But this is not the only test. Here, see more proof.
(Two Monkeys are sitting in an icy white room.)
First Monkey: Ooook oook ook. Snort scratches behind
Second Monkey: Shrieks wildly
First Monkey: Shrieks wildly
Second Monkey: . . Ook. Grumble Eats Banana
First Monkey: Thwacks Second Monkey over the head Oook!
Fade out
Fade in
(Same two monkeys, now both are wearing bright purple spiky wigs)
First Monkey: Ooook oook ook. Snort scratches behind
Second Monkey: OOOK! oook! oook!
Akuroku: Pauses Projector
(Wiping Away a Tear) Sniff Isn't it so terribly romantic?
Audience: . . .
Akuroku: There's one more thing I think you should see, and then you'll be completely convinced.
(In an icy white room sit two muffins.)
First Muffin: . . .
Second Muffin: . . .
First Muffin: . . .
Second Muffin: . . .
First Muffin: . . .
Fade out
Fade in
(Same two muffins, now both are wearing spiky red wigs)
First Muffin: . . .
Second Muffin: Kiss me you devilishly handsome fiend!
First Muffin: OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!
-badump chink-
Audience Member: What the hell was that supposed to prove?
Akuroku: Just because you aren't otaku enough to understand the genius of my work does not mean it's worthless! . . . Okay, that last one was worthless. But you see, everything else proves, scientifically and accurately, that -
Door: Bursts open. Light spills through. Angelic music heard. Three figures enter the room. Closes again.
Mysterious Figure 1: Kingdom Hearts isn't darkness, it's - where the heck are we!?
Mysterious Figure 2: What, Sora, you forgot already?
Sora: Oh - oh yeah! I have to stop this!
Mysterious Figure 2: Finally, realization dawns!
Sora: You've got to stop this wedding right now!
Mysterious Figure 2: WHAT???
Sora: He's got another wife! In the attic!
Rochester: standing up in the audience Don't listen to him, Jane! How did you know about Bertha?
Mysterious Figure 2: What. The. Hell.
Sora: Aha! Riku, I was right!
Jane Eyre: There's another woman?
Rochester: Fine, yes, there is!
Jane Eyre:How dare you!
Riku: Excuse me, I think you're in the wrong fandom.
Jane Eyre and Rochester: Pull out map Oh yes, sorry.
Kumquat21: This may be the crackiest thing I've ever written. Excuse me while I go bang my head on a wall for a while.
Mysterious Figure 3: Anyway, this nonsense has to stop!
Akuroku: What does?
Mysterious Figure 3: You're cruel, sick mind! You're basing a character's sexuality entirely on the length of their HAIR??
Akuroku: So?
Mysterious Figure 3: We're not going to stand for it!
Akuroku: You don't respect my beliefs?
Mysterious Figure 3: No!
Akuroku: So you're some kind of Yaoi hater?
Mysterious Figure 3: No, not at all, that's not what I mean!
Riku: Kairi? Hah! She reads any Yaoi Manga she can get her hands on! There was this one time she kicked a guy in the you-know-where because he was making fun of Boy Princess . . .
Kairi: Shutupshutupshutupshutup-!
Sora: What we mean is that matters of the heart have nothing to do with the hair! It's completely ridiculous! Hearts are powerful things, they're good, and love is the most potent force in the world, light not darkness benign not malignant wonderful not -!
Audience: SNORE
Riku: Ignore him, he can go on for cut scenes on end.
Akuroku: Can't I please at least thwack him?
Kairi: NO! But he's right. You can't ship a pairing just because they've both got pretty, spiky hair. It's got to be because the two characters put faith in each other, understand each other, respect each other - in short, love! Homosexual or Het! That's the only way life goes!
Akuroku: God, you're almost as boring as he is! Riku's the only one without the snore-worthy monologue now!
Riku: Sora, I've always been . . . Been jealous of you, somehow. I . . .
Akuroku: MY EARS! THEY BURN!
Sora: Anyway, we've come to put an end to this nonsense, once and for all! We're proving this theory is completely ridiculous!
Akuroku: How? How would you prove it? It's impossible. Name any spiky-haired character - they're all gay!
Kairi: That's easy! Sora isn't!
Akuroku: Puh-lease! He was in a musical, for Koge Donbo's sake!
Kairi: You were, Sora? But I mean, lots of actors aren't gay! That doesn't prove anything!
Akuroku: Like there's any other reason a healthy teenage boy would swim around naked with an equally naked attractive mermaid! And sing and . . . Dance.
Sora: Hey, she had shells on!
Kairi: . . . Naked dancing? WITH A WOMAN! WHAT THE -?!
Sora: No, it wasn't anything like that! She was in trouble! I - err - we were putting on Equiuus with Daniel Radcliff!
Riku: Oh, I have one. Cloud, he's got girls all over him!
Akuroku: He's hiding it.
Riku: No he's not! Umm . . . Roxas!
Akuroku: He's hiding it.
Riku: Demyx?
Akuroku: He's hiding it.
Riku: Axel!
Akuroku: He's not even hiding it.
Riku: I -well, actually, yeah. But for the rest of them - I don't believe you!
Akuroku: You'll never prove it! That's the brilliance of this theory. We fangirls can insinuate that anyone is gay!
Kairi: Well then, what about the opposite?
Everyone Else: Huh?
Kairi: What about Riku?
Akuroku: What about Riku?
Riku: What about me?
Kairi: He's the gayest character in the series!
Sora: WHAT?
Riku: WHAAAAAT???
Akuroku: Whaa- I mean, of course he is!
Riku: Whispering Kairi, what are you - ?
Kairi: Whispering Shush. I have an idea!
Akuroku: And what is this supposed to prove exactly? So what?
Kairi: Triumphantly Well, he doesn't have spiky hair!
Akuroku: What?
Sora: Aha!
Kairi: According to your theory, Riku should be 'boringly heterosexual'!
Riku: But I am . . .
Akuroku: I - err - well - let me get my notes, does it really say that?
Sora: So, because Riku's homosexual, her theory doesn't work out!
Riku: But I'm not - !
Akuroku: But isn't it sort of spiky? Kind of . . . ?
Sora: We could shave it and it would still be the same. We would, but in less than ten seconds the author of this messed up fic would be mauled in a dark alleyway for touching the Almighty Riku's Venerable 'Do.
Riku: HEY! I'M NOT GAY! I'VE NEVER KISSED A BOY IN MY LIFE! Oh, except that one time when I was going to confess my feelings to Kairi from behind her and then sort of nibble her on the neck and . . .
Akuroku: Fine! It was a scam! And I would have got away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids and your - your - your giant key! Ohh, but I'll be back! This is far from over! In fact, I challenge you to a LECTURE-OFF!
Thunder: rolls
Cue Dramatic Music
Sora: We accept!
Riku: . . . but it was a mistake, honestly! I mean, they both have red hair! But god, Wakka sure can pack a punch . . . Hey, is anyone listening to me?
Fade Out
The Kumquatous Discovery Happy-Joy Lecture Series would like to thank you for listening to lecture 58 in the course, The Astronomical and Social Inveigles of Obscurities Within the Infamous Video-Game Industry, The Video Game Gay-o-Meter. Because of recent events, it was revealed that this particular lecture was a giant scam, and a complete waste of your time to listen to. On the plus side, this lecture was the fastest selling one ever, and we earned lots of dough from it! I, the random announcer voice, am personally taking a long vacation in Shanghai! We at the KDHJLS would also like to apologize to any homosexuals or shonen ai lovers that were offended in this.
Next time: It's Time To D-D-Debate! Topic: Unknown. Lecturers Akuroku, Sora, Kairi, and Riku presiding.
On hindsight, I would also like to include a disclaimer for the muffin joke. It's not mine. In fact, it's told every year at our school talent show, as we wait for whatever broke this time to be fixed.
So, I hope it's obvious what I implore you to do! Submit a topic, any topic! I've got some ideas, and I'll probably know how to end it, no matter the topic (or it could be several) I choose, but the rest of my mind is blissfully free.
Oh, for anyone who cares to continue the biblical symbolism, I've created a forum. Originally I was going to write Roxas as the antichrist, and tie everything up, but then I started into a debate with my friend and realized it would be much more fun to fight it out and hear different theories. Thank you for reading!