One For The Road Part 10: Time, It's Always About Time
A falsh of light.
He was back on Moya standing in command staring out at the stars. He looked down at his hands that showed no signs that they had just been covered with Aeryn's blood. He was back. Not just back on Moya. He was back to the day he had returned to find Aeryn and Scorpius aboard the Leviathan. Aeryn wasn't dead here. Any moment she was going to walk in behind him. He felt his skin go cold with the thought. He couldn't do this. God, he had just watched her die and she was about to walk in behind him. How was he going to lie to her? How was he going to tell her she couldn't stay on Moya? He didn't know. He just kept replaying her death in his mind. Seeing Ahkna fire the shot and Aeryn falling limp against the cold floor of the command carrier. Maybe he could do this. If he just kept reminding himself that she would be okay. He may live the rest of his life without her, but she would be okay. He had to remember that was what was important. Even if he had to wake up every morning knowing what he had lost and remembering a cycle no one else knew existed, she would be okay. He had to do this for her. He had to do this for his child.
"Hi."
He heard her say from behind him. Her voice was so sweet. All he wanted to do was turn around and take her into his arms, but no. He looked down at his hands. He would watch her die again if he did. He turned to look at her. She was so beautiful. Despite the fact that she had been fighting heat delirium just arns ago, she had never looked more beautiful to him than this moment.
"Hey." He answered. It was the same greeting he had given her that day, but the truth was that was all he could get out. He felt his voice constrict and turned back to the stars so she couldn't see his hurt expression. He was just making this harder on himself. He couldn't keep her. Not this time.
"What are you looking at?" It was the same question she had asked the first time. Every line and every movement was as it was then. Except this was going to end differently. The last time it hadn't ended well, but this would be far worse. And here he had the chance to change it. He could put aside his anger and confusion and hold her. Tell her how he needed her more than anything and fix so many things over that cycle he now wanted to fix. But that chance would lead to the same thing. She would die.
"Nothing in particular." He turned to face her now as she sat at the table and looked down at the floor.
"I'd like to stay."
"Well, I'm sure Moya…would be happy with that." He wanted to say he would too. He wanted her to stay. He was starting to doubt if he would be able to do this. The more he looked at her, the more she spoke, the more he realized that a life without her, whether she was dead or just away from him, was no life. He needed her.
"I need to recover." She was making excuses and he knew it. They both knew why she was back and why she needed to stay. She of course didn't know he knew.
"Is there any other reason?" He hated saying that. It was his hint to her to talk about the pregnancy. He didn't want to talk about it. It was hard enough to make her leave when she thought he didn't know she was pregnant, but if she told him then she would think he didn't care. When it was the complete opposite. He had to stick as close to original scene as possible. She had to ask the right question and he had to give her a different answer.
"I need to help you keep an eye on Scorpius."
He had to look away from her. He had to look at anything but her. He chose the floor. He was starting to lose it. Her simple presence was pushing him. She had no idea what he had been through today. What he had seen. That he had cradled her body in his arms and covered his hands in her own blood. She would never know. She sat before him in total ignorance of what she was doing to him and of what he was going to have to do to her.
"I'm not gonna hurt him. I gave you my word." He had to stay focused.
"I know."
His eyes move back to look at her. She's looking straight at him. Smiling. Not her usual smile. Not the one that he loved so much. No, this was a soft uncomfortable smile. She thought he was angry. He had been that first day when they had lived through this scene, but not now. Anger was the farthest thing away from his mind. He wanted to tell her that. To let her know it was okay.
"I want to be here."
It's coming. His hands start to fidget as he realizes in one microt he was going to tell her to leave.
She tilts her head slightly. "Is there a problem?"
And there it was. His cue. He was now supposed to save the universe by changing his answer. He closed his eyes for a moment and made himself once again picture her lifeless form. Once again she would be his inspiration. Just in another way. He opened his eyes and looked back at her. "I think it would be better if you didn't stay on Moya."
She looked down at the floor. "I'm sorry John. For everything."
This was new. Everything from here out had no set path.
"I think we are passed apologies." He could see the hurt in her eyes. She had let her guard down and made herself vulnerable in front of him. She didn't expect forgiveness and although she wouldn't say it, she needed him right now. He didn't see that the first time. But he had to play the angry and hurt Crichton and in doing so he was hurting her.
"I know, but I wanted to say it." She looked back up at him, her eyes pleading. She needed to stay. She needed him to say she could stay. She waited for him to say something, but he didn't. "I don't want to leave with Scorpius here."
"I'm a big boy Aeryn. I can take care of him myself."
"So you want me to go?"
"I need you to go."
She nodded and lifted herself up off the table. He had to look back at the floor as her eyes watered. She stood a moment waiting for something to be said. But there was silence. She should have known. They never said goodbye, not really. But this was it. If he wanted her gone, she wouldn't come back. So she waited. If he would just say one word. Let her know that maybe they had a chance. But still there was silence. She turned to go, but stopped herself. The reason she had come back. If she told him, would he change his mind? She turned back toward him. "I want to tell you…" She started trying to keep her voice in check. Her emotions were getting the better of her.
"…why I came back."
He turned toward her. There it was. His breaking point. If she said that, even though he already knew, it would be over. "Doesn't matter Aeryn."
"But I need to say it."
"Whatever it is…it won't change anything between us. Whatever we had died, Aeryn. It died with the other Crichton."
"I know when I came back that it was hard for you, but I didn't know what to do John. I did what I thought was best."
"It was the right choice. You leaving was for the best. For both of us."
"You said that you believed the fates meant for us to be together."
"I don't believe in fate anymore."
"I do. You taught me to."
"It's not that easy. You can't just up and leave and expect me to be waiting for you every time you get back. I have to move on Aeryn." There was another moment of silence. He was not able to say anything. He just wanted her to go. He wanted this moment to end, but she just stood there, letting his words sink in. She was afraid to ask her next question.
"Do you still love me?"
Tears were falling down her face and it was killing him. He couldn't take this anymore. He didn't want to answer her. The answer was yes. With every beat of his heart he loved her, but he couldn't say it. "I did once."
She stared into his eyes with more hurt than he had ever seen before. She needed to go. She needed to go now. He couldn't do this to her anymore. He didn't want her to live the rest of her life thinking he had stopped loving her.
"So that's it then?"
"What more do you want Aeryn?"
"You, John. You are why I came back. I don't want to run anymore. I still love you. I never stopped. I just needed time."
"It's too late. I waited for you for as long as I could. I'm done waiting and I am asking you to leave. Please don't make this any harder."
"If it's really what you want."
"It's for the best."
"No. I want you to say it."
"Yes…it's what I want."
"Then I'll be gone within the arn." She turned to go again, but stopped with her back towards him. "This is it. If I walk away now then I will never return to Moya. I won't come back." It was her last try. If he still turned her away she would walk out of this command for good.
"I know." And there it was. The final blow. She wouldn't try anymore. It was over.
"Goodbye John." She walked away before he could answer.
Not that he could answer. He wouldn't say goodbye. Not after that. He walked toward the door and saw she was stopped right outside the tier. What she was thinking he did not know, but she was crying. He hated to see her cry. He hated to say those things. They were all lies. He would have waited for her forever. She was the love of his life. forever and always that is what she would be. He watched her take a deep breath and start back down the tier, unaware that he was watching her. He would never see her again. Four years and this was it. She would turn a corner soon and she would be gone.
He looked back down at his hands. This was for the best. He had to do this. He had to, but as she turned the corner reality hit him. She was gone for him. He took a step forward. Don't do it John. He took another step. Let her go. He closed his eyes and tried to keep himself still. Think about her death. But that is not where his thoughts went.
"I, uh, I wasn't going to say goodbye." "I don't know what you're talking about, but there's never been anything we couldn't overcome together." "I am...reminded, at this point, of a word that you actually brought to this vessel, hope."
"Neither was I."
"Except each other."
"I would be... lost without you."
"Then you will never be lost."
The words echoed in his head. Hope. They had lost many things over the cycles, but not that. After all they had been through was this the end? Was there no hope? His eyes opened with that last thought. There was always hope.
He started running full speed down the tier. He turned the corner and there she was again. She turned at the sound of him coming towards her. He stopped right in front of her and put his hands on her cheeks, brushing her tears away with his thumbs.
"Don't go." Damn Einstein. He would find another way. He didn't care how, but he was not letting her off this ship. Not now, not ever.
"But I thought…"
"I don't care what I said. I didn't mean it. God, I can't go through one more day with out you."
"I don't want you to."
"Stay." He kissed her forehead.
"Yes." She whispered. Their arms wrapped around each other tightly. He pressed his face into her neck, taking in the pleasing scent of her hair before moving his head to look back at her. She was smiling. Even her eyes were smiling. It was too much for him. He leaned in and brushed his nose against her cheek. She opened her lips slightly waiting for him to kiss her. Finally he pressed his lips to hers. It was soft and slow, but as his lips caressed hers it became a hard passionate exchange. His hands tightened around her. She was his again. That's all that mattered.
"You still love me." She said it more as a reassurance for herself than to him.
"Always."
"Beyond hope?"
"Beyond everything." A flash of light filled the tier.
"That was not what we discussed."
And John was back to the world of Einstein. His arms dropped as what they had been wrapped around was no longer there.
"You're going to have to find another way to fix it. I won't do that again."
"This is your problem to repair. You may have been forced into another reality, but your actions are your own fault. Taking the life of your own possibility is more serious then you will ever know."
"I didn't mean to kill him. I just wanted off the carrier."
"You were apart of the destruction that caused an entire reality to be destroyed. We expected you to repair this. We gave you the way."
"Well, you have to find another way, because I won't do that to Aeryn."
"Your reality will be affected. The trade-off has changed. To keep Aeryn Sun is to cause a negative effect. That is why we sent you back. You were to sacrifice her for the better of your reality."
"I will do whatever you want me to do, but don't ask me to give her up."
"There is no other way."
"Then whatever I changed is going to happen. I will not do that to her again. I don't care what you want me to do, but if the only way for me to have her is to live with whatever I changed then so be it."
"We will uphold you to that. What you have caused will be your responsibility."
"Fine."
"You do not know what you are agreeing to. A war is coming. A war you have caused."
"A war between who?"
"That will not be revealed to you yet. But you will be the deciding factor. We leave the choice to you."
"What choice?"
"You will know when the time comes."
"Can we be a little less with the cryptic dren?"
"The future must remain unseen in your eyes."
"So what, you send me back and I wait for this war?"
"Yes. You will still be sent back to the day you were crystallized."
"But this time I don't let it happen."
"Negative. It must. You have created a never-ending cycle. For you to be here right now, you must be crystallized and Draforn must intercept your pieces."
"Wait hold on. You want me to go through that again?"
"No. As the event that caused you to go back and change an event must occur a cycle is created. You must meet Draforn, you must go through the reality and Aeryn Sun must die. That is elementary for this exact moment."
"I have to watch her die over and over for the rest of my life?"
"Negative. Time must move forward. As time circles with you reliving the same series of events, time must also move forward. This causes realities to spilt and creates another possibility. That possibility will relive everything you witnessed since you were reunited as one being. It to will make it to this point and the reality will split again. It is never-ending. It is how the first realities came to be."
"Time travel?"
"The first being to change an event in the past caused the first split in reality. With every new split another cycle starts and creates countless new realities. You have just created your own."
"But I move on?"
"Yes, the split does not actually occur until you are crystallized. Aeryn Sun and yourself must stay on the same path until that moment."
"We almost lost our child last time she was crystallized. I won't do that again."
"I assure you the way you are brought back this time will not affect the baby in that way."
"What do you mean in that way? In what way will it be affected?"
"That I cannot reveal. Aeryn Sun and the child's life will not be in any danger."
"Why do I feel like I'm not going to like what you aren't telling me?"
"You will not, but this is your choice. You caused this ripple when your refused to let Aeryn Sun leave the Leviathan. You must deal with what comes to past in your reality."
"As long as she lives."
"She will live through the coming war as it is an effect of the ripple you caused. Her death has already been placed and as we see it will not be affected. She will die when her time comes."
"That's all I want."
"I will send you back. Remember you must stay as close to the original path as the first time."
"Yeah, boat, ship, crystals…got it."
"Until we meet again."
Before John could ask what he meant by "meet again" Einstein was gone. Another flash of light and everything was gone.
Once again…and hopefully for the last time John Crichton found himself transported away. This time he was back on Moya once again, but in the bay. He remembered everything. Aeryn would join him soon before he took her down on the water planet where fate would intervene. This time it would be different. He did not know how, but he knew everything he had experienced would not happen again. It was over and would only live in his memories.
"So what exactly do you need this for?" A large smile crossed his face as he turned to see Chiana. She was using her hands to explore the boat he had found on the commerce planet, her eyes unable to see it. He had forgotten they had talked right before he and Aeryn had went down. It seemed like so long ago, after all that had happened. But there she was, the same Chiana as he had left her. No different since for her, the time he had been away did not exist. He could hardly contain himself as he walked over to the Nebari and took her into his arms.
"Crichton are you farhbot?" She asked taken back by the sudden embrace.
She couldn't see his face, or the relief it showed as he held his friend, his family.
"No, I'm just really glad to see you."
"I would say me too except I don't see much of anything." He let her go and looked into her pale eyes.
"We'll get it fixed Pip. I promise." He touched her nose with the tip of his finger and she let out her familiar giggle. He had missed that. He had missed everything so much.
"So are you going to tell me what you plan to do with this?" She asked him again.
"Nope. It's a secret."
"He won't tell me either." Another familiar voice and another smile lit his face as he turned to his radiant Aeryn Sun.
"Hey."
"Hey."
"Think I'll go…go help D'Argo in command." Chiana smiled as she left the two in the bay, feeling her way with her hands.
John watched her go before turning his attention back to Aeryn. It was almost overwhelming. In one second he was back talking to Chiana and now there was Aeryn. He was about to take her down on the boat so they could talk. Back to where it all began, but this time he had been promised she would live. That alone was more than he could ask for at the moment.
"D'Argo is lowering Moya to the water level. You going to tell me what this is about?"
"I just think we need some time to ourselves." He walked over to her and kissed her deeply. It was long and gentle as he let his hands roam around her body. She was real. It was still a shock to be holding her when he still had the memory of her death. She would never know of any of that. That secret would go to his grave.
As whatever happened to her when he lost her in the wormhole went to hers. "It's a long story. Ask me about it later." As he remembered the words she had spoken on the command carrier he couldn't help, but feel her loss. He would never be able to ask. The woman in his arms was Aeryn, but she would have no memory of what she had gone through.
"John? Are you alright." She pulled him out of his thoughts. He realized he had been silent.
"Perfect." He gave her another long kiss.
"What was that for?"
"I keep losing you and it has made me see that I don't do that as often as I should." He was referring to her death, but she didn't know that. He knew she would be thinking of Katratzi.
"Now, if you are ready I want you all to myself."
"You have me all to yourself." They were alone in the bay, but that is not what he meant.
"We'll be interrupted. We are always interrupted."
"And we won't be down there." She referred to the water planet Dee was about to drop them onto. It was almost funny considering he knew the answer to that was yes.
"Maybe, but I'll chance that." He led her over to the wooden vessel and let his hand slide from hers as she walked toward the hanger door. Here they go. He was going to have to play it all like he had. Like he didn't know what she was going to say to him down there. He watched her as the transport door opened and the sunlight spilled into the bay and another smile came over him. It would be different this time. He would have a chance to live the life with her they had been denied just arns ago. It wouldn't be easy. It never was for them and he knew why. A war was coming, but he couldn't help think it was worth it. He didn't know what the future held for him beyond that or how he was going to fix it, but he would. He would because she was his and it was his job to protect her. He hadn't been able to before, but he had the chance to try again. Whatever was coming he would deal with it, but not now. Now was all about her.
He let his hand slip into his pocket and play with his mother's ring. No, the war would have to wait. Right now he had a question to ask.
THE END
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