Maybe Something More

I don't know how to do this. I'm not sure how to go about this revelation. I mean, I always knew I cared, I just never thought it would be that far. He's always been so supportive of me, he's always covered for me and I don't know if I can ever repay the compassion and comfort that he's given me. I don't know how to do this anymore. Even Cragen thinks we're too close; he got Hendrix to psychologically evaluate. The questions she asked, the last one especially, they hit a nerve.

If you had to save a member of the public or your partner, who would you choose?

I couldn't answer. If I said Elliot, we'd be split up, if I said a member of the public, I'd be lying. I couldn't say that, I couldn't be responsible for our separation. I wouldn't be able to bare it. So I walked out, leaving her to obtain the information from my actions rather than my words.

He called us into his office, told us that he didn't know what to do. Told us that we couldn't stay together, but we couldn't be apart. I know I was confused, I think he was too. We were put together with a chaperone – we weren't to work cases alone. A compromise – it didn't feel like that, it felt like an invasion.

Later that evening, Elliot came over – wanted to talk. I had the distinct feeling I knew what about. At a quarter to seven, a loud knock echoed through the apartment, signalling his arrival. I walked slowly over to the door, dreading the conversation we were about to have. Part of me wanted it out of the way, so we could move on and the other part desperately wanted to avoid it, as we had been for the past few years.

I pulled open the door, revealing a casually dressed Elliot holding a few containers of Chinese Take-out. I stepped aside to allow him inside, and as I did so I caught a strong whiff of the pleasant aftershave the he wore daily. I followed him to my kitchen, where he made himself at home, pulling out plates and cutlery like he lived there, not me. After a few minutes, dinner was ready and we headed back to the couch, neither of us having spoken.

A couple of minutes of silence, and I couldn't take it anymore. I broke it.

"What do you think Cragen's going to do?" I asked, not really interested in the answer, "He can't keep giving us a chaperone, he'd run out of men soon."

Elliot shrugged his shoulders and I gave in. We sat in silence once again. Neither of us were used to this, we'd always been able to talk about anything and suddenly it had all changed. Damn Cragen and damn Hendrix. I wished they'd leave us alone, but I knew they couldn't and part of me admired that.

He broke the silence this time, asking a question of his own.

"What'd you tell Hendrix?"

"That we were close. We're best friends."

"Jeez, Liv. They're trying to separate us and you give them ammunition."

"What did you want me to say?" I responded defensively, "That we hate each other. I told the truth and I know that you did too, or you wouldn't be so worked up."

He nodded slightly before responding, "She asked me if I would save you or -"

"a member of the public. I know, she asked me the same question."

"What'd you say?" He asked casually, but underneath I saw an earnest curiosity that could not be masked.

"Nothing," I responded quietly, not wanting to get into the subject too thoroughly.

"What do you mean nothing? It's not like you could have just walked out." He paused, and took in my bowed head and gasped, "That's exactly what you did." I nodded slightly, still looked down, "Why?"

"Elliot, what was I supposed to do? If I say you, we get split, if I say someone, I'm lying."

"Liv, she wouldn't have known if you lied."

"Yes she would," I said, a lone tear making its way down my cheek, "We've been friends for over 10 years. You can tell if I'm lying, so why wouldn't she?" I asked, knowing the answer but wanting him to say it.

"Liv, we're closer than you and she ever were. We're more than just friends, more than best friends. I don't know what we are but we're something that is unrivalled by anything else."

"What about Kathy?" I asked, knowing I was pulling at straws but I didn't care.

"What about her?" He asked rhetorically, "We're stronger than Kathy and I. I can't move back with Kathy because I can't let go of you."

"What do you mean?" I asked, trying not to get my hopes up.

"She can't be competing against someone who already has a secure spot in my heart. I will always love her but she can move on and so can I."

"I don't understand Elliot. You and Kathy are getting back together. Go for it – she loves you and you love her. I think you should give it a try. Don't worry about work, just try."

"I can't try for something that isn't going to work."

"How do you know it's not going to work if you don't try?" I challenged.

"Because I can't give up work."

"Elliot, you may love the job, but it can't love you. You have someone who dearly loves you and wants you back. She can love you but if you sacrifice your family for the job, what's it going to give you? Some money, some satisfaction. It gives nothing, it only means something if you do it for someone." He shook his head and opened his mouth to interrupt but I continued, "El, trust me on this. I have no one and I know that. You have a family, put them first. Please, El."

"My family is the unit, Liv. My kids and Kathy are also family but so it the unit."

"Elliot, your kids and Kathy are your family. The unit are your friends and you can make those anywhere. You can't make a family anywhere."

"Why are you pushing this so hard?"

"Because at least one of us can be happy," I smiled sadly.

"Liv, you deserve happiness. We all do, but you most of all. What -"

"El, if you do this. It will make you happy. If you're happy, so am I. All I want is for you to be happy."

"Why?"

"Because you deserve that. You're my best friend, that's why I want you happy."

"No it isn't," he said smartly, "It's more than that, isn't it?"

"El, you are my best friend and that's why I want you happy." I said firmly before picking up the plates and walking to the kitchen to wash up.

I was filling the sink with water when I felt a hand sneak around my waist, pulling me firmly into an embrace. I buried my head into his shoulder, savouring the moment of being in his arms. The noise of the tap brought my attention back to the present and I quickly turned. Turning the tap off, I noticed that his arm hadn't left my waist and I wasn't about to mention it. We washed the dished and cutlery in comfortable silence before he took a beer out of the fridge and heading back to the couch.

"Why can't you tell me?" he asked, once again breaking the silence.

"El, there is nothing to tell. You are my best friend and I want you to be happy. End of story."

He shook his head and leant back pulling me to his side. "I don't think he knows what to do." He said suddenly.

Looking up from my position buried in his side, I spoke, "You don't think who know what to do about what?"

"Cragen about us."

"Oh," I nodded. "Split us probably. We'd risk the lives of others."

"What would you do if you got another partner?" he asked curiously.

"Leave,"

"What?" he said surprised by my response.

"I'd leave." I answered again.

"Why?"

"I," I paused, trying to gain courage, "I can't do this job without you."

"Why not?"

"Damn it, Elliot. Why can't you just accept a simple answer?" I stated angrily.

"Because I want to know why? Why can't you do this job without me? Why is my happiness so important to you? Why do you care so much? And don't give me that crap about us being friends. Why, Liv, Why?" he shouted just as angrily.

"Leave it alone," I said quiet but firm.

"No! Tell me, damn it!" he yelled.

"I love you Elliot. Are you happy now? I'm in love with you and that's why you mean so much to me. I love you – are you satisfied now?" I screamed at him, before walking to the chair that sat by the window and looking out at the city.

"You love me," he said quietly in disbelief.

"Yes," I responded quietly, suddenly tired and drained.

"You love me," he said once more.

"Elliot. Please, just go. I need to be alone."

"I'm not leaving so you can brood. Uh-huh, not going to happen. Sorry but no."

"Then shut the hell up and leave me alone."

Silence ensued for the next few hours. Olivia thoroughly regretting spilling her heart to him and Elliot pondering on how to break the news to Kathy and Olivia. After almost three hours of silence, Elliot decided to make a move.

"Liv," he began.

"Elliot, leave me alone."

"No!" he said firmly.

"Damnit! Elliot, why can't -" she was cut off by his lips on hers and his tongue probing her for entrance. She was in heaven but this was wrong. It doesn't matter a small voice said, and Olivia wrapped her arms around his neck pulling him closer to deepen the kiss. You can't do this, what about his family? Another voice within her spoke and she pulled away.

"Elliot we can't do this. What about your family? Kathy?"

"I love you, not Kathy. As for my kids I get to see them every alternate week. "

"What about our jobs, Cragen, IAB, Hendrix?" I listed, naming every problem that I could think of.

"Cragen will separate us and we can work with Munch or Fin. Hendrix can tell IAB we were too close and he decided it was for the best. Nothing has to be said about this. And it's not like it started before that anyway. There's nothing to worry about."

"But what about –" I started but was cut off by him.

"Olivia, we can find a way around almost any problem, so stop trying to think of some, alright?"

I nodded and leant closer to give him a gentle kiss.

"I guess this answers Hendrix's question," he said jokingly and I gave him another kiss before resting my head on his shoulder. We might encounter problems, but with Elliot by my side, I knew I could face anything – including my brother.